Is there a right answer?
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: NY
Posts: 2
Is there a right answer?
Hello,
I am new to the site but I am dealing with a situation that I could use some advice on. I dated an alcoholic for 2 years and left him because I could no longer take the wrath of his drinking. I realized that by staying with him, I was enabling him and had to be strong enough to walk away so that he could fall. Well, 6 months after we broke up, he entered and completed in-patient rehab. This weekend, he will be sober for 90 days. I recently have been talking to him again and he sounds great. Him being sober is all I ever wanted for him and for us. Well, I am thinking about getting back together with him because he is actively getting the help that he needs by working the program and getting counseling. I know that they say alcoholics shouldn't get involved with anyone during the 1st year of recovery, but I am not sure if that pertains to us because we were in a relationship before and the only real issues that we had were due to his drinking. I am taking things slow for now and getting to know him sober. Is this bad or his recovery? Should I not get involved with him until he is sober for 1 year? Thank you in advance for your advice.
I am new to the site but I am dealing with a situation that I could use some advice on. I dated an alcoholic for 2 years and left him because I could no longer take the wrath of his drinking. I realized that by staying with him, I was enabling him and had to be strong enough to walk away so that he could fall. Well, 6 months after we broke up, he entered and completed in-patient rehab. This weekend, he will be sober for 90 days. I recently have been talking to him again and he sounds great. Him being sober is all I ever wanted for him and for us. Well, I am thinking about getting back together with him because he is actively getting the help that he needs by working the program and getting counseling. I know that they say alcoholics shouldn't get involved with anyone during the 1st year of recovery, but I am not sure if that pertains to us because we were in a relationship before and the only real issues that we had were due to his drinking. I am taking things slow for now and getting to know him sober. Is this bad or his recovery? Should I not get involved with him until he is sober for 1 year? Thank you in advance for your advice.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 25,826
The 2 main priorities for this to work are, him remaining Sober, and you leading your own happy life rather than feeling trapped by his alcoholism, if both of those can be achieved then all is good.
The 1 year milestone is something that is mentioned quite a lot, and may put his Sobriety at risk if it's too much for him to handle being in a relationship as well as being Sober. The best way to explain it is remaining Sober can sometimes feel like a full time job in itself, add in a relationship and some, not all, may find it's far too much to deal with.
So be careful, ask him to be very very honest with you on how he would cope, but I wish you both all the very best!!
The 1 year milestone is something that is mentioned quite a lot, and may put his Sobriety at risk if it's too much for him to handle being in a relationship as well as being Sober. The best way to explain it is remaining Sober can sometimes feel like a full time job in itself, add in a relationship and some, not all, may find it's far too much to deal with.
So be careful, ask him to be very very honest with you on how he would cope, but I wish you both all the very best!!
Closing the gates of Oblivion
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: OK, USA
Posts: 273
Originally Posted by blueyes6 
the only real issues that we had were due to his drinking
He may be an all new person sober, like it or not. And well, sometimes it takes us a few goes at it to get it right, just part of our journey.
He needs to do what is best for him and you should take care of yourself as well. Keep an open mind and be mentally prepared for anything that might be thrown at you. Best wishes on your decision.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 9,029
Ninety days is very new to recovery. The first year is still new to recovery. Over the course of that year many things could happen. Your boyfriend could "stick and stay" with sobriety or he could relapse.
If he sticks with it, he may and probably will change as a person. Alcoholism is typically a symptom of underlying issues that need time and dedicated work to address. I have ninety days now. I had ten and a half months before. None of that time matters in the least if I don't change the behaviors and thought patterns that I self medicated with alcohol. I will be the same person I have always been, just without alcohol. Prickley, insecure, angry a lot of the time. And likely to drink again if I don't grow.
If he doesn't change, if he relapses, you are almost back at square one. Relapses are a common occurrence. More often in early recovery than later. They are not guaranteed but..... My own experience is that I didn't get it the first time around. I do not know many people, very, very few in fact, who stayed sober on their first go around at seriously trying to stop. A lot of starts and stops before they got a lot of time under their belts. So it is always a risk.
Recovery is a life long process. I would give this time and some space to sink in, to take hold, and for both of you to grow and heal because I can be almost certain that you have healing of your own to do. Things to process. My husband is an alcoholic too so I've had to learn to heal from his alcoholic behavior as well. You can be supportive of your friends recovery. i wouldnt push anything. i would also be wary of HIM pushing anything at this point. Peace.
If he sticks with it, he may and probably will change as a person. Alcoholism is typically a symptom of underlying issues that need time and dedicated work to address. I have ninety days now. I had ten and a half months before. None of that time matters in the least if I don't change the behaviors and thought patterns that I self medicated with alcohol. I will be the same person I have always been, just without alcohol. Prickley, insecure, angry a lot of the time. And likely to drink again if I don't grow.
If he doesn't change, if he relapses, you are almost back at square one. Relapses are a common occurrence. More often in early recovery than later. They are not guaranteed but..... My own experience is that I didn't get it the first time around. I do not know many people, very, very few in fact, who stayed sober on their first go around at seriously trying to stop. A lot of starts and stops before they got a lot of time under their belts. So it is always a risk.
Recovery is a life long process. I would give this time and some space to sink in, to take hold, and for both of you to grow and heal because I can be almost certain that you have healing of your own to do. Things to process. My husband is an alcoholic too so I've had to learn to heal from his alcoholic behavior as well. You can be supportive of your friends recovery. i wouldnt push anything. i would also be wary of HIM pushing anything at this point. Peace.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: North salt lake
Posts: 3,325
Ouch.....ummmmmmmmm.....well............lemme think.................yup............hmmmmmm...... ..
I'm with Gakx, drinking is a major issue in your relationship. I want to tell you to run as far away as you can get, but you probably won't do that. So, maybe you can read other posts about how others had to deal with this minor issue of their spouses drinking. Now don't forget to read the parts about their spouses lying, cheating, stealing, missing in action, hiding, sneaking..... Give the man a chance to work his program without your influence. And protect yourself. Good luck.
I'm with Gakx, drinking is a major issue in your relationship. I want to tell you to run as far away as you can get, but you probably won't do that. So, maybe you can read other posts about how others had to deal with this minor issue of their spouses drinking. Now don't forget to read the parts about their spouses lying, cheating, stealing, missing in action, hiding, sneaking..... Give the man a chance to work his program without your influence. And protect yourself. Good luck.
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