dirk626

Well, I think I'm back on the forum to give sobriety another shot. I feel ridiculous about the whole situation. I joined in November and had the longest stretch of sobriety in over 20 years (45 days). Then it (I) fell apart and have been back at the bottle since. I came back a couple of times and tried to restart the process but failed within just a couple of days each time. Now I'm back here saying the same thing.

I've been thinking about it a lot and haven't figured anything out. I would write that I can't keep doing this, but I know that I can. I can keep drinking every day and go on until my health fails. I guess most drunks do... Is there anything in life I want more than to be drunk? I can say I do. History would say I was lying to myself.

Years ago I had told my son that when I came home from work we would have a boys evening. We would pop some popcorn, watch a movie and drink orange pop. I stopped off at a friend’s on the way home. Just for a beer. When I rolled in at 10:30 that night drunk my wife was there to confront me. She told me that our 8-year-old son had waited up for me to watch our movie. When he went to bed he told her that, "Dad must of found something better to do." I protested that I hadn't, and she said, "You obviously did."

I obviously did. That will haunt me for the rest of my life. It's the little things that are sending me to hell.

Here I go again...

Dee74

Thats a heck of an anecdote Dirk.
Stuff like that never needs to happen again, man.

Welcome back

What do you think keeps drawing you back to the booze?
D

dirk626

[What do you think keeps drawing you back to the booze?
D[/QUOTE]

I don't know Dee. I guess for the same reasons as other alcoholics. I'll let you know if I figure it out. I appreciate your encouragement...thanks!

FlygirlJ

That would absolutely kill me, Dirk. I'm sorry you had to go through that, but maybe you did actually have to. As an adult child of an addicted parent, I know how badly the things parents can do without knowing it can hurt. I think your blessing was your child saying how he felt instead of holding it in. I think he did the healthy thing, both for himself and you. Now you have the opportunity make the change and not necessarily make it up to him, but do better from here on out for both of you.

Dee74

Yeah I know. But if you can identify what it is for you you might be able to work out how to deal with it

Is it fear? recovery is a big change.

Is it pride? do you want to beat alcohol and a master it?
do you want to be normal?

Is it despair because you think you're doomed anyway?

just some ideas

D

PurpleKnight

Hey dirk, welcome back!!

We all wanted to drink more than anything else in our lives, that's how we got to where we are now, admitting that something needs to change.

Your son is a great reason to get back on track and give it another go!! others have done it and you can do it!!

KateL

Hi Dirk, you have done it before and can do it again. It is hard but gets much easier the longer you are sober. Good luck xxxxx

oak

Welcome back! Keep trying. Sobriety is worth it.

For me, I tried all the various recovery programs that I could find (AA, NA, LifeRing, SMART Recovery, Women for Sobriety, Rational Recovery, individual therapy). And I focused on reminding myself of things that I enjoy that I can only do sober (or that are easier to do sober).

I agree with Dee that it is helpful to know why you are pulled to alcohol. Part of it might be purely physical (addiction process in your brain). But I tend to think there are other reasons too. For me, I believed that alcohol would be fun, suppress emotional pain and anxiety, and I did not think I deserved better. Now- when I get cravings- I talk myself out of whichever belief is pulling me toward alcohol.

dirk626

I agree Oak and Dee. I've been thinking on it and I think my reasons for drinking over the years changed and evolved. I think it started as a right of passage and turned into a way to escape stress. Then it became a way to deal with boredom, regret and pain. Now it's about addiction, habit, brain chemistry and forgetting. It's about escaping into that numbing place. The place where the drunken mind can still fantasize about what is going to be someday... oblivion and self deceit. I'll think on it some more; I think it is helpful.

Today we had an off site meeting at an upscale restaurant. Dinner and drinks followed of course. I felt a craving on the drive from the office to the meeting but it only lasted a few minutes. The AV was trying to rationalize drinking today and starting fresh again tomorrow. I resisted. Then once drinks were ordered I felt a mild urge until the drinks arrived. I could smell them very strongly. I focused on that smell and realized that it isn't a pleasant smell if you dissociate the smell from the drinks effects. Once I focused on that fermentation smell the craving went away.

I know that tonight I will go to bed sober. I also know that tomorrow morning I will wake up feeling better. I will not regret this evening, and I will not have to beat myself up again for not living up to my own expectations. Well worth the sacrifice of self indulgence I would say.

dirk626

Thanks PK. I was happy to read your post the other day about your success! I must admit I was a little envious, but that doesn't take away how happy I am for you. I'm watching for some of the others in that November club, and hoping to see some of them making it as well.

Keep it up! I guess I should think about getting on the March thread soon.

UTVOLFAN

Ouch.

UTVOLFAN

Years ago I had told my son that when I came home from work we would have a boys evening. We would pop some popcorn, watch a movie and drink orange pop. I stopped off at a friend’s on the way home. Just for a beer. When I rolled in at 10:30 that night drunk my wife was there to confront me. She told me that our 8-year-old son had waited up for me to watch our movie. When he went to bed he told her that, "Dad must of found something better to do." I protested that I hadn't, and she said, "You obviously did."

Ouch... That hurts my heart. Years ago, but it still stings you I can tell. I read your latest post too... You turned down drinks at a work party, which probably means free drinks. I don't know you but I am proud for that. I don't know if I could turn down free drinks. I hope so... My best friend since college is getting married in May and I'll be in the wedding party. Talking Heads cover band, and open bar. <<< Free drinks... I've only been sober 5 days, and looking ahead to May, I just realized I might be doomed.
But you on the other hand, sober only a few days and already turning down free drinks... I think you just might have a fighting chance!

HANG IN THERE....

Hevyn

You came back Dirk - that's what really counts. Please be kind and patient with yourself. This time it can be different. We believe in you.

gvrecovery

I've never been able to figure out why I keep going back to the bottle! but I'm trying not to dwell on it so much but to follow a plan to stay sober on a daily basis.

dirk626

Thanks UTVOLFAN! One of the things I do in that situation is focus on the social experiment. I make a game out of observing peoples behaviors and how those behaviors change as the night progresses. I focus on the people and it helps me not think about the drinking. Obviously if I was a credible source for advice I would have been sober the last 20 years or so...but that's one of the things that I do.

UTVOLFAN

Brilliant Dirk! That advice just might save me in a few months... I love to people watch, just like at the park or the mall or whatever. Normally not in bars because I am too drunk to be concerned with anyone else. But since I will be sober at the wedding (God willing), that sounds like a really fun activity. Plus also, getting to watch my besty enjoy her wedding day, take a couple spins around the dance floor with my hubby, and make a toast without humiliating myself. Sounds less dreadful when I think of it that way. THANK YOU!

dirk626

Well, I caught a break so to speak. I woke up this morning feeling horrible. I went to the doctor and was told that I had caught some kind of crud going around the community. I feel like crap and as such have no interest in drinking. I think that might help get me through a few more days. Every cloud has a silver lining...

Rar

Just today I was thinking of the days when I didn't mind not drinking. It seemed most of those days were when I was sick. So, yes, you could have that cloud with the silver lining. I hope you feel better soon, Dirk. Congrats on your new sobriety.