Louise82

I have 7 months sober and have been struggling lately. As well as being an alcoholic I also have depression. And since getting sober, some issues from my childhood have come to the fore. I've referred myself to two places for specialist counselling but the wait is killing me. I was really depressed yesterday and in so much emotional pain and mental anguish. There were some moments when I was suicidal. What got me is that the pain felt exactly the same as before I started drinking alcoholically as a teenager. All those years of drinking and 7 months of sobriety and I'm still in exactly the same place emotionally as I was when I was ******* 13 years old.

Anyway, I worked my program hard yesterday - meeting up with my sponsor, going to a meeting with her, applying the steps to what I was feeling. And by God's grace I somehow managed to get to the end of the day without taking a drink or killing myself.

So this morning I got up feeling better. I found a liquid multivitamin (Ferrol) that my uncle had left behind when he emigrated back to where my family's from. Without reading the ingredients, because I don't expect a multivitamin to have ******* alcohol in it, I took it as instructed (3 teaspoons). I immediately felt the hit, as if I'd just swallowed very strong mouthwash with alcohol in it. I knew immediately it was ethanol and finally looked at the ingredients. Yes, 16% ethanol. Stronger than a ******* bottle of house wine.

I haven't exactly gotten a buzz off of 3 teaspoons and I don't count it as a slip as I genuinely didn't expect it to have ******* ethanol in it, but the taste is in my mouth and in my head now. I've been reminded of what catching a buzz actually feels like. And now I'm tempted to start doing shots of ******* Ferrol, which most certainly would be a relapse. The only reason I haven't started doing so already is because a) I immediately thought of SR when those thoughts came creeping in and b) An AA friend is picking me up soon to go out and I'm scared she'd be able to tell even if I were a little tipsy.

But I haven't poured the bottle out because I want to keep the option of drinking it open. I haven't even phoned my sponsor yet because I know she'd just yell at me to pour it out but I'm not ready to yet. I just want to keep the option open because it's almost as if I'd be justified in relapsing on it because it's already gotten into my system. My AV is trying to convince me that because it's a damn multivitamin it wouldn't really be a relapse and I'd be able to hide it from everybody and I wouldn't have to tell anyone.

So I'm posting in SR so that you can talk me into pouring the Ferrol away. I might have to get my mum to come round and pour it out for me because I really can't bring myself to do it yet.

*Sigh* So the moral of this story is to always read the ingredients, even on stuff that you would not expect to have alco-hell in it. And also Ferrol has a ****load of alcohol in it.

Dee74

Just tip it out Louise. The longer you argue internally the harder it's going to be to get the chattering out of your head.

You made a genuine mistake. It happens. No need to compound it with a deliberate one.

Tip it out, brush your teeth, take a few deep breaths and relax.
call your sponsor or someone else in the programme.

This only needs to be as big as you make it

D

Dee74

By the way
This is not true. You're an amazing mature warm and considerate person.
It might seem like you've made no progress but you have.

You're not 13 yo Louise - you're not even the Louise who joined us early last year - you're a strong capable woman in recovery.

You're capable of strong capable healthy choices....make one now and tip that stuff out.

oh...and buy multivit capsules next time...you're on safe ground there

D

PurpleKnight

I wouldn't worry about it too much, you thought it was a multivitamin and only had practically a sip from the 3 teaspoons.

Pour it out, but it in the past, and continue to add to your 7 months!!

least

I agree. Pour it out and rinse your mouth out. You don't want to mess up seven months sober, do you?

ReadyAtLast

just pour it out Louise. I agree wholeheartedly with Dee too about you not being 13. so many times I read that we are stuck emotionally at the age when we started drinking but this is not true.You have years of experiences since you were 13,some good and bad. Yes,there may be issues that need working on but you have matured and grown into a young woman since you were 13 and especially more so since you got sober.

Randummy

These things happen! This will sound trivial but when I first went vegan years ago, I went to a relatives house and they decided to wait until I'd eaten dinner to laugh and tell me that they'd cooked the potatoes in goose fat. I felt awful for days, as though I'd done something wrong for eating it and gone against my own standards for how I wanted to live my life.

It wasn't until sometime later that I spoke to a friend and realised that actually, any kind of change isn't about aiming for perfection, it's about doing the best we can do and being the best we can be. I've slipped up a lot on this path and yeah, you consumed some alcohol accidentally. It doesn't matter now, it's about what you do from this second onwards. Best thing to do is chuck it away, then it's gone.

bluncain

I now you're suffering at the moment, and your AV is on high alert. Try to follow through the thought process, what will happen if you drink the Ferrol?
Will it be enough? or will it be the beginning of something, something painful.

I think you should take the cap off the Ferrol and throw it towards the sink or yard.

Be kind to yourself, destroy it and the Beast.