ckoures

I was raised Mormon. I didn't drink until 7 years ago. I still don't like the taste of it, but many can I slam an entire bottle in one night.

I drink to not think. To not cope with the incredible sense of disgust I have at me. I can go for months, but then the little snigglets sneak in. You're worthless. Stupid. A laundry list. And then I drink, binge, lay in bed for days, throw up. And that just gives me more ammunition to beat myself up the next time. Actually, beat is a misnomer. Crucify.

I almost lost my job today. Inches from it. Who would have thunk.

I desperately need to not hate myself any more. Desperately. And I don't have any idea how to do that. Because I think no matter how well I can control the alcohol, I will return to it time and time again because the bottom line that I abuse it is it is the perfect way to punish myself. That's sick. Can that ever go away?

least

Yes, that self hatred can go away. I used to treat myself like dirt cause I didn't think I was worth anything. I see a counselor and she's been very helpful in getting me to rethink my way of living and treating myself.

Is that an option for you? A good counselor is worth their weight in gold.

As to your drinking, I hope the support here can help you stop drinking for good.


And yes, you can make it.

Nonsensical

I'm only average smart on a good day, but I think I see step one. Stop loading the gun.

My addiction tells me all kinds of bullsh!t. It's all lies. All of it. In 25 years that sunnuvabword has not told me one single true thing. Not one. It tells me anything it can to get me to drink.

I stopped listening to the lies and my life got better. I'll bet it could work for you, too.

Best of Luck on Your Journey.

Thepatman

Sorry to hear you feel this say about yourself.

Try to remember you are gods greatest creation. Like Least nicely stated a counselor can help you work out your self esteem issues.

Don't give up, we are here for support ;-)

silentrun

Yes it will go away. Did you leave your religious upbringing? Is that were some of this is coming from? I totally get that. The alcohol only intensifies it kind of finds that hole in you and rips it wide open. When you stop using alcohol you start healing...from ALL of it.

Dee74

I spent years hating myself too.

It may sound counterintuitive right now but the solution is not to drink.

The 'solution' is only making that self hatred worse.

If you need help with self hatred and racing negative self talk, counselling really helped me...but the thing that helped me the most was not drinking...and building a life, and a 'me', I wasn't ashamed of.

It's not an overnight process - for a while, you may not feel very happy some days...but you don't seem very happy now either ckoures?

There's plenty of support here and in the real world. No need to do this alone

D

Aellyce

Ckoures - I am also very prone to self-hatred (the psychological underpinnings of which go back far into my childhood, if you want to discuss feel free to PM). For me the only way out of this, either back in childhood and my youth *before* addictions or now, has been trying to transform it, I mean find some sort of productive medium for my pains where I can hopefully turn it positive/beneficial. So far for me this type of approach has been the only real effective one to handle my psychological/emotional struggles. So in this sense, your being here on SR is a great start

MariahGayle

((hugs)) Ckoures....sorry you are hurting.

lisatrying

I have always had self esteem issues too. when I was 20 I did an 8 week course on how to raise your self esteem. But it didn't cure me for whatever reason . Anyway at 44 I stopped drinking and go to weekly group sessions at a drug and alcohol group program. We regularly talk about self esteem.

You can learn to like and accept yourself more, all of you, the good the bad and the ugly. Its not easy, it doesn't happen overnight, but you can do it.

I think you need guidance though, wether a group or one on one as other s have suggested. You are a very worthwhile human being. You deserve to have your own love and your own self respect

KateL

My recovery was 99% built on finding some self-esteem. If I can, than anyone can. I wish you well. xxxx Have you ever met Donny Osmond? Love him! xxxx