Day 1
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 23
Day 1
I woke up this morning with the realization that if I don't quit drinking, it's probably going to kill me. At the rate I am going, that will be sooner than later. So I made it through Day 1 by myself, and I'm lying in bed trying to fight off the unending thoughts of guilt, shame, depression, and worthlessness. I'm a real mess.
I am a binge-drinking, blackout alcoholic. I put myself into stupid, dangerous situations when I drink. I think I may have been the victim of date rape last week, but I dont really know because I blacked out half the night. I wish I could say this was the first time, but it's not.
I did not drink for a year and a half until a month ago. I am on a 2 month backpacking trip in Thailand, and I had my first drink before I even left the airport at home. This is a once in a lifetime trip for me and I have wasted the first 4 weeks of it by being wasted. I hate myself for this.
I send embarrassing messages and emails to people back home when I have been drinking, but I don't remember in the morning. Every day I have to go through the shameiful process of seeing what I have sent, and trying to fix it if I can.
This morning, the manager of my hotel refused to let me stay another night, I didn't even want to know why.
When I drink I hate myself which leads me to hurting myself. I am supposed to spend the next week at the beach, but I'll have to wear long skirts or pants because I have bruises and small cuts over one leg. Like I said, I'm a real mess.
I am very shy and suffer from severe social anxiety, which is why I began drinking in the first place, many years ago.
I know so many of the problems would go away if I stopped drinking. I used to have a drug addiction and I woke up one day in a bad situation and I quit cold turkey on my own. That was 10 years ago. Although, it recently occurred to me that I wasn't a drug addict but an alcoholic with a drug problem. I only did coke so I could drink more.
I know I have this strength to do this, but I feel so weak. I always think, I'll only have one. Yeah, right. 1 sip equals a pending blackout. Why do I lie to myself? Why do I believe it?
When I go home, I will be okay because I live with my family, and I never drink at home. Never. I need to make it through the next 4 weeks by myself. I'm feeling really low. Maybe this is my rock bottom for drinking?
I am a binge-drinking, blackout alcoholic. I put myself into stupid, dangerous situations when I drink. I think I may have been the victim of date rape last week, but I dont really know because I blacked out half the night. I wish I could say this was the first time, but it's not.
I did not drink for a year and a half until a month ago. I am on a 2 month backpacking trip in Thailand, and I had my first drink before I even left the airport at home. This is a once in a lifetime trip for me and I have wasted the first 4 weeks of it by being wasted. I hate myself for this.
I send embarrassing messages and emails to people back home when I have been drinking, but I don't remember in the morning. Every day I have to go through the shameiful process of seeing what I have sent, and trying to fix it if I can.
This morning, the manager of my hotel refused to let me stay another night, I didn't even want to know why.
When I drink I hate myself which leads me to hurting myself. I am supposed to spend the next week at the beach, but I'll have to wear long skirts or pants because I have bruises and small cuts over one leg. Like I said, I'm a real mess.
I am very shy and suffer from severe social anxiety, which is why I began drinking in the first place, many years ago.
I know so many of the problems would go away if I stopped drinking. I used to have a drug addiction and I woke up one day in a bad situation and I quit cold turkey on my own. That was 10 years ago. Although, it recently occurred to me that I wasn't a drug addict but an alcoholic with a drug problem. I only did coke so I could drink more.
I know I have this strength to do this, but I feel so weak. I always think, I'll only have one. Yeah, right. 1 sip equals a pending blackout. Why do I lie to myself? Why do I believe it?
When I go home, I will be okay because I live with my family, and I never drink at home. Never. I need to make it through the next 4 weeks by myself. I'm feeling really low. Maybe this is my rock bottom for drinking?
Better when never is never
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Wisconsin near Twin Cities
Posts: 1,745
Thailand has a very active AA membership. You can find meetings here. The meetings in Thailand are very casual.
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Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 261
Reading your post reminded me of my trip to Europe for three and half months. Before going on my trip, I had about 8 months sober, including a trip to a treatment center. I thought that it was a great chance to reward myself, explore the world, and of course, be sober. It didn't quite turn out that way. In fact, I relapsed the first day I got into Spain. After relapsing, I thought screw it, I might as well enjoy the trip. I drank almost every day. I put myself in a lot of dangerous situations. I came back home 20lbs heavier and was severely depressed. I thought that once I came home, I could just get back on sobriety, but it proved much much much more difficult. Once home, I kept relapsing and the weight just kept me more depressed. It took almost a year to get back on track.
Be careful out there in Thailand. Thailand is a wonderful country, but it can also be really dangerous, especially for a single female. Don't be like me and wait until you come home to quit. Use your time in Thailand and treat it like a treatment center. You'll feel so much better when you get back. I have to get to work, but I just wanted to chime in on this since it brought back memories. Best wishes.
Be careful out there in Thailand. Thailand is a wonderful country, but it can also be really dangerous, especially for a single female. Don't be like me and wait until you come home to quit. Use your time in Thailand and treat it like a treatment center. You'll feel so much better when you get back. I have to get to work, but I just wanted to chime in on this since it brought back memories. Best wishes.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 23
Thanks recovery. I really am determined not to drink again. I'll just have to take it one day at a time. I hate myself so much when I drink and the day after. I don't know why I always think it will make me feel better.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 23
When I was sober for a year and half, all I did was leave my abusive, alcoholic ex-husband, and move back home to be with my family. I told myself I would never drink again because of them. Seeing my sister, mom, or nieces and nephews every day keeps me sober.
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Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,570
It's so good to meet you Ducky. You sound ready to do this & we know you can.
I started drinking many years ago to combat shyness. Ironically using alcohol to 'cope' only made my anxiety worse. In the end, I was drinking all day and isolating. The nice relaxed feeling I once got from a drink was long gone. I was so glad to get free of it. I've grown so much since the old days of numbing myself. We are here for you.
I started drinking many years ago to combat shyness. Ironically using alcohol to 'cope' only made my anxiety worse. In the end, I was drinking all day and isolating. The nice relaxed feeling I once got from a drink was long gone. I was so glad to get free of it. I've grown so much since the old days of numbing myself. We are here for you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 23
Thanks to everyone for the support. I just woke up for day 2 and I am feeling better. I still have all the bad thoughts of pain, shame, sadness, loneliness running through my head too, but I'm trying to let them go.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 1,997
Welcome DuckyDarling! What a life changer this trip can be!
I would so look at this as a soul searching journey. I would go to AA meetings. I'd be looking into a buddhist retreat. I would look for every opportunity to get to know the real me without booze. I could think of a million things to do and not one would involve drinking. In fact, I'm not so sure that I wouldn't say I will do anything or endure anything but I will not drink. And then I'd go find whatever I had to find to make it so.
Let that self loathing go. I'm way to familiar with that one. You are not worthless and you are not a bad person. If you feel the need to be angry about anything point that anger at what really did this. The alcohol. It's a stupid liquid that if any living thing drinks too much of it just plain messes you up. I too am one who most times..not all...but most times never stopped at 1 or 2. Me and alcohol don't get along. I won't drink it.
Have a wonderful time on your trip. I so hope you find yourself in Thailand. Why not? No matter where you go..there you are. Might as well meet the new sober you in beauty.
I would so look at this as a soul searching journey. I would go to AA meetings. I'd be looking into a buddhist retreat. I would look for every opportunity to get to know the real me without booze. I could think of a million things to do and not one would involve drinking. In fact, I'm not so sure that I wouldn't say I will do anything or endure anything but I will not drink. And then I'd go find whatever I had to find to make it so.
Let that self loathing go. I'm way to familiar with that one. You are not worthless and you are not a bad person. If you feel the need to be angry about anything point that anger at what really did this. The alcohol. It's a stupid liquid that if any living thing drinks too much of it just plain messes you up. I too am one who most times..not all...but most times never stopped at 1 or 2. Me and alcohol don't get along. I won't drink it.
Have a wonderful time on your trip. I so hope you find yourself in Thailand. Why not? No matter where you go..there you are. Might as well meet the new sober you in beauty.
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