Serotonin

I spent the last few days drunk. Today I haven't drank, but I'm broke so I can't afford alcohol anyways. I get about 4 or 5 days sober and relapse. I can't stand the person I see in the mirror. I haven't had a job since September and my business has ground to a screeching halt. I envision myself happy and sober and staying motivsted towards my goals, but it all feels like a far fetched dream. I feel that even if I were to quit drinking I still hate myself for being such a loser that, I just keep drinking. I'm a f****** coward.

Kayla50

I am so sorry. I know exactly how you feel. I am at home with horrible physical symptoms from alcohol because I have not stopped drinking. I just want to cry but have no energy to do so.

FreeOwl

listen... it's not YOU that you hate. It's not.

It's the feelings and the cycle and the sense of helplessness and the addiction... it is the illness that you have developed.

The illness IS. NOT. YOU.

You are the beautiful and spiritual soul and the knowing voice inside that sees what is happening because of the illness and you can be free of it.

Don't give up.

2bhappier

You are not alone. I just want you to know that.

MemphisBlues

Self loathing was at the root of my alcoholism, and it is a circle of despair that can be hard to beat. At three years sober I still haven't really shaken mine.

When I got sober I was at a bottom than many others face. I had avoided jail, but checked off the broke and institutionalized boxes (10 days in the hospital).

My self loathing peaked when getting out of the hospital. The only way to dig out was one day at a time, just not drinking that day no matter what. And I reached out to others who had shared the bottom pit with me. I went to AA. I went to AA a lot, like meetings in morning and evening, liked 120 meetings in the first few months.

It kept me grounded, committed to recovery, and I had daily support from others who knew exactly what it was like to swear off booze in the morning and end up drinking in the afternoon or evening.

It's a slow climb, but even if it's one finger pull up at a time, your still going up.

ScottFromWI

What happened to this Serotonin of merely a week ago? He's still there inside you.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...long-time.html

The self pity and "even if I quit I would hate myself" is purely the addiction talking. And It's total BS to boot. Join the January thread here - go to an AA meeting - read some literature on recovery - do something to get in gear and get the Serotonin back from last week.

newhope01

I don't know how many times I have come on here calling myself a drunk loser. Putting myself down never did any good for sobriety. Reaching out to others and AA has been much more helpful.

All those bad feelings you are having is your disease talking. Dont listen to it and instead reach out others who understand what you are going through.

Kayla50

How do people manage to go to so many meetings with work and what not?

ScottFromWI

Most places have meetings at all hours of the day so you can go before work, over the lunch hour, or just after work ( or all if you choose ).

Anna

You're stuck in the cycle of the disease and that's where it wants to keep you. You need to break out of the cycle and take the first step to taking care of yourself. You can do it. What happens after 4 or 5 days of sobriety? What can you do to take action and change that? Empower yourself and get back the life you want.

Lifewillgetbet

Really? Were might this be? The City I live in has a population of over a Million and there is not meetings all hours of the day.

DoPerdition

Think of it this way: you might still hate yourself sober but getting drunk will never solve anything about you. It will only make things worse. It's still better to be unhappy and sober than unhappy and addicted. So take it one issue at a time. Work on the drinking first and accept that neither drinking nor sobriety will actually solve anything. Sobriety will just make it easier to work on yourself down the road.

What are you going to do differently this time to try and make it stick? You deserve sobriety and you deserve happiness. Even though I do not know you, I and I'm sure many others love you enough and respect you enough to believe that you deserve health and happiness too. Don't give up! One time you will win the battle with your AV and then you can opus on winning the rest of the war!

MemphisBlues

Well, if that city is Toronto, there appears to be meetings virtually every hour:

Meeting List

I took early retirement.

But I know many people that hit a 7 a.m. meeting in the morning and often and then I see them at an evening meeting.

Most metropolitan areas in North America have hundreds of meetings a day.

Serotonin

I need to find some affordable therapy for myself. I am extremely overwhelmed with all the issues I have suppressed that surface when I have a sober mind. I have extreme abandonment issues regarding my father and I dont know how to trust anyone again, especially women... more abandonment and trust issues. Certainly I will never get any better if I continue to drink. I know that for sure.

Blackhawkfan

Finding time to hit meetings is always a challenge but I always think about how easy it was to find time to drink every day, eh? Make a commitment to attend x # of meetings each week and find a way to make it work whether it before work, during lunch, after work, etc. The AV wants to play tricks on us and not go to meetings cuz it is too hard, not enough time, etc.....but we always found time to booze it up.

Best of luck. Think positive thoughts and work on the consecutive days of sobriety to break the cycle. Good things will happen as time goes on. Guaranteed!

MemphisBlues

Therapy is great. I'm seeing a shrink today. But there is instant fellowship by just walking into the door of an AA meeting. Bad coffee, good folks, flip a buck in the basket if you can. Pretty affordable.

doggonecarl

Indeed. But first things first. Abandon the alcohol first, then work on your other abandonment issues.

Rickh54

Serotonin, not being a Dr. I make these comments only because I care and I have been around for 60 years. You are a drunk, I am a drunk, we are all drunks. It is what it is. If you wake up every morning and take a look in the mirror and every morning you say " I don't like what I see", what is the plan to change the image. I can tell you that if you have no plan, then any road will take you where you dont know you are going. And that road will not be a six lane paved expressway, It will be a rutted, pot holed goat track.
Self pity is a cop out. You think you are a drunken loser. Well we all did. I did for the first 2 days of sobriety and then I looked in the mirror. I didnt look for what I saw, I looked for what I could be. Two different images.
Focus on the positive in you, the positives in your life. Want to hang on to those, Well then, you have to quit drinking. Simple, No its not. So what. Good things are hard, not impossible, to achieve.
What is it you want more than anything within your power to have? New job, new partner, new xyz, sobriety.
Its one step at a time, one thought at a time. You have to take the first step. SR is one step, not the only one. We cant do this for you. Your desire and faith and support are the only things that can help you stay sober.
Self pity and self loathing will get you farther behind than you are now. Negativity breeds negative results, Positivity breeds positive results. See how that works.
You can do this, I know you can, We all can do it if we want it bad enough. Make changes to your mind, your activities, your old friends if need be, and you will see the days rolling by with clear eyes, no headaches, and less and less cravings for the liquor. Takes time, but you have lots of it.
Will be watching out on SR for a newly created Seratonin. Post often, we care about you.