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EndGame
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 4,677
Originally Posted by jaynie04 
End Game thank you, I was reminded of a Victor Frankl quote…
"For the meaning of life differs from man to man, from day to day, hour to hour. What matters, therefore, is not the meaning of life in general but rather the specific meaning of a person's life at a given moment".
I used alcohol to get out of the present. Getting sober while brutally uncomfortable at times, reminded me, even when I didn't want to be reminded, that I was living.
"For the meaning of life differs from man to man, from day to day, hour to hour. What matters, therefore, is not the meaning of life in general but rather the specific meaning of a person's life at a given moment".
I used alcohol to get out of the present. Getting sober while brutally uncomfortable at times, reminded me, even when I didn't want to be reminded, that I was living.
One of the reasons I drank was to fill the emptiness that, with my consent, had become myself. When I stopped, the emptiness was still empty, even of emptiness. It later dawned on me that only I could fill the void.
To the OP: AA isn't a place where we surrender our lives to a group of people who then, in turn, dictate how we are to live our lives. Anyone who leads you to believe this is not worth your time.
We learn how others have gotten sober, and we teach others how we got sober. What we do with this knowledge is entirely up to us.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: St. Louis, MO
Posts: 848
Agreed
Originally Posted by EndGameNYC
One of the reasons I drank was to fill the emptiness that, with my consent, had become myself. When I stopped, the emptiness was still empty, even of emptiness. It later dawned on me that only I could fill the void.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Seattle, Washington
Posts: 51
Originally Posted by Becky13
Sounds like you've been working very hard for very long. Maybe getting out of the work environment could help you reconnect with things.
I am a neurotic and a perfectionist. I cannot handle it if my work is not complete and as well executed as possible. I cannot handle it if my home, my child , my family , my aesthetic appearance have any hint of disorder. My strong resolve and proper demeanor have been my greatest strengths. 30 days ago no one would have treated me like a child or spoken down to me. I regret not being more secretive about my drinking problem but at the moment all I can think of is what work I can do to regain my good standing among the people I care about. At the same time glee in seems like a good option. Bizarre I know but in the end it will be the work that keeps me going.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Canada
Posts: 608
Originally Posted by LegallyBrunette
I am new to recovery and I guess I am becoming very depressed about this. I am feeling very isolated and just not present, no I am not having dissociative feelings, I just feel like I can't live my life. It is not that I am overwhelmed it is just I do not feel able to participate in anything. This past week I have left my house only to work and go running alone. The only person I feel comfortable around is my 19 month old son, I feel strange around other friends, family, work colleagues. I don't know what to do with myself. Physically I feel okay. Mentally I feel pretty okay for the most part I just feel awkward in all interpersonal situations. I can tell that even though it hasn't been that long that even my fiancé is becoming frustrated with my inability to do anything or even really talk to him. Anyone experience anything similar?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 286
Originally Posted by LegallyBrunette
Thank you for the observations. I do not really know what I am experiencing or at least not in the way you are likely thinking. I am an alcoholic. I know this. I accept that as fact. However, I feel like getting sober is actually what has stripped me of all my efficacy as a person. Now that the cat is out of the bag so to speak I have lost the respect of all my peers, my family and even my employees whose paychecks I write. Every single person I know from my fiancé to my legal assistant is treating me with kid gloves. I am viewed as an invalid child. I have actually sat in my car and considered just driving away and leaving my entire life. I am ashamed to admit it but I have since Friday been considering just sort of walking out on my toddler whom I adore as any mother would, the man who has never done me a single wrong and has given me unqualified love for 8 years, the law practice I spent the last 10 years building, etc. I don't even know why. I just despise being viewed as tortured, defective, etc. It is like admitting I had an alcohol problem erased every achievement I have ever had, all the life I have lived and I am just a little kid everyone needs to lord over, spy on, talk about, etc.
I also cannot handle being at recovery group meetings. Which is what people always suggest to combat the increasing isolation. I honestly view the 30 days I spent in an AA group as the most traumatizing experience of my entire adult life and I once again do not want to hand all my personal power over to a group and be told what to do like a child.
I know I am not going to drink. I just do not know what I am going to do in order to feel like a real adult human being again. I am trying hobbies as suggested. Hell, I ran 14 miles today. Nothing is helping me want to be connected to other people. That is what I need is the desire to be connected to other people. Work in progress I guess.
I also cannot handle being at recovery group meetings. Which is what people always suggest to combat the increasing isolation. I honestly view the 30 days I spent in an AA group as the most traumatizing experience of my entire adult life and I once again do not want to hand all my personal power over to a group and be told what to do like a child.
I know I am not going to drink. I just do not know what I am going to do in order to feel like a real adult human being again. I am trying hobbies as suggested. Hell, I ran 14 miles today. Nothing is helping me want to be connected to other people. That is what I need is the desire to be connected to other people. Work in progress I guess.
I understand your instinct to drive away from your life. In a way, all of us here are starting new lives and the desire to have a fresh beginning somewhere else is strong. I often think if not for my kids, I'd be gone in a heartbeat.
Lastly, I have similar thoughts about my social life that you do about your work. I'm divorced so people are often trying to set me up. Now that I've quit drinking, I keep being consumed by this thought: Who in the WORLD would want to set someone up with someone with such a huge defect as alcoholism?? And who would want to date that person? I feel like I now come with a HUGE red flag and considering how challenging it already was to find men to date as a 40-something divorcee with kids -- now it seems damn near impossible. The little credibility I had before as an "eligible" woman is just gone and I feel like I'm looking down the barrel of a life spent alone.
I guess a large part of all this is a leap of faith. And a belief in what others who have gone before us say: That is will get better. That it will be worth it.
Hang in there,
Jackie
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