Threshold

When we stop drinking, it IS like taking off a pair of lenses, and we do start seeing things we didn't see before.

A little time and we can figure out what reality actually is...whether it was a mood, or it's the standing situation.

I was married 25 yrs to the love of my life, we met when I was 17, married when I was 19, raised three awesome kids together. Then he divorced me. I was crushed. We didn't have the perfect marriage and we both have our issues. He said I had my issues...and that THEY were the problem and his poop apparently smelled like roses.

In early sobriety and recovery I was all over the board from blaming myself, to him, to his friends, to wanting to fix it, to wanting to die....etc etc. Now the dust has settled, divorce is over, I'm feeling more stable...he and I have no contact but I occasionally hear things from my kids and we did have a little bit of interaction last year at our son's weddign and when I came to collect a few personal items from the house.

I don't really like him. He's sort of a jerk. I never bad mouth him to the kids or got them involved in the divorce. But he, all on his own, due to interactions between him and the kids that have nothing to do with me...proves himself to be that. it's on him, not me. I'm not the cause of it, we haven't lived together for 4 years, and in that time he's only seen me five times.

sometimes it happens. And I've learned that not every problem or situation in my life was caused by my drinking or was fixed by me stopping drinking.

When I look back over the marriage...the issues were there...the personality traits and trends. I needed the fog to clear before I could tell what was real and what was me either starry eyed in love, or cross eyed drunk...and what was him.

KateL

Same ... it happened to me twice. They've both continued to cause havoc in their lives, without me. x

m1k3

Hi, someone from the other side of house. I usually post in the Friends & Family section and my wife was the alcoholic. I can tell you that I was dealing with plenty of issues on my own, lack of trust, rage, depression and a host of other negative feelings.

I went through hell living with my wife. She stopped drinking a couple of times and just because she stopped didn't mean the feelings and hurt went away. We have now been separated for almost 3 years.

I'm not saying this justifies his behavior because it doesn't, but I do understand it. Like you, without a recovery program (or therapy) he won't get better. I am in a much better place now but I will still admit I find it hard to be around her. Progress not perfection.

A little reading over in Friends and Family might just clear things up for you.

Your friend,

DG0409

Some good advice here.

One thing that stuck out from your post was mentioning that he "uses this tone with my daughter and I like we are crap. " That doesn't sound like it could be good for your daughter.

Perhaps it would be good for you to look at it from a perspective of what you could do that would be best for your her? Have you talked to your daughter about it at all?

Also, calling you a b**** because you didn't want to argue is inappropriate behavior. Do you want you daughter to learn that is how guys should talk to women?

KateL

You probably made the right decison, especially if she kept going back to the drink. I think it is probably much easier to forgive and forget after a respectable period of sobriety. If people can't do that then they should leave the relationship. I'm sure you didn't call her names however. x

KateL

Exactly, that's why I picked up on that. My children learned abuse from their father. It continued for years into my sobriety. My relationship can sometimes be strained with them because they think name calling is normal. My daugter's boyfriend has even called her out on the way she sometimes speaks to me. The law in th UK now states that emtional abuse is as inapporpriate as physical.

Scott6433

Hey bird, I'm assuming you guys met when you were drinking?
I too have fallen for that one. Apparently I used to do a great deal of settling myself.
I'm very sorry for what your going through. Good things will be coming.

ReadyAtLast

Whislt I agree with not rushing into things a couple of things in your post send alarm bells ringing,

It's unacceptable to call you a bitch.Just no need for it. It's verbal abuse and you don't have to put up with it.

you say he uses a tone with you and your daughter like you're crap. That's also just not on. Your daughter will grow up believng she is crap and thinking that it's acceptable for men to treat women like that and probably get involved with a man when she's an adult who treats her like crap as that's what she'll think she deserves. Food for thought?

Maybe he's just a controller/manipulator and used your drinking as an excuse to make everything your fault.Now you're sober he'll still blame you for everything, Nothing you can do about that ,But you can decide how long you're going to put up with it?

BeachLiving

By the way, just because he won't go to Couples Therapy doesn't mean you can't. It helped me a lot. Just don't be afraid to try a new Therapist of you don't like one. I went through 3 and the last one really helped a lot.

Branches

Amen to going to counseling by yourself, even if hubby won't go. It's very helpful.

anchorbird

WOW, thank you all SO much for your replies.

My husband drinks occasionally, but is by no means an alcoholic. If anything he is addicted to work.

I guess it is time to sit down to another chat with him.