Aellyce

Hi everyone,

I've been lurking on this forum on and off for quite a long time. Also posted briefly in the past in some desperate moments, and got helpful responses, but never really followed up... I think because I've never really had a true determination to quit drinking even though I have known for several years, without doubt, that I am an alcoholic.

The past holiday season has seen quite a few "Day 2's" from me... but I always give in sometime during that day and drink again. I give in to one of my many triggers (that I'm starting to identify and understand more and more now). I really would like to learn somehow to resist these...

I've always had extremely hard time asking for help and support in my whole life. I am sure many people on this site relate to this. I mostly don't ask for help with anything... so writing this (once again) is also very hard for me, but I do it now because I absolutely believe in the power of it, intellectually speaking. It's just that somehow my personality has these fears... I've never really had any kind of support system.

I drank tonight and am feeling quite crappy due to it (both mentally and physically), but would like to try yet another Day 1 tomorrow, and hopefully more... I would like to start this time with small and simple goals. What would be a good way to get past Day 2? I know about Rational Recovery, SMART, did some online AA meetings (that I did not like but never tried in real life). Would also be open to do counseling but would be scared of rehab. My problem, I think, is that I have studies and know of many different recovery programs in detail... just never seem to act on them for my own sake.

Thanks a lot in advance. I think this forum is fantastic and I would like to overcome my fears of posting and interacting here!

Dee74

Hi Haennie

why not join our Class of January support thread - and post every day, or multiple times a day. Learn to share your story, help others, and finally start to reach out for help yourself?

I really believe that we get out of our recovery what we put into it

D

PurpleKnight

Hey haennie,

Definitely focusing on the small goal of getting through one day at a time is the way to go, though we do all need support to get us through!! . . . my first few days of sobriety were even broken down into 1 hour or 30min slots throughout the day, I knew if I managed to get through 15 1 hour slots during the day, upon waking up, I'd be tucked up in bed with another Sober Day over me, and looking forward to another hangover fresh morning.

You can do it!!

Frugal14

Hi Haennie, It's definitely possible to get past Day2 -- Is there a pattern to when you give in? Maybe completely change your routine for a few days, just to get over that first 3-day hump. I think the key is to keep yourself so busy that you don't have time to listen to that voice telling you you can start again on Monday or the first of February or whatever. I find taking a shower is also a great way to distract myself, or reading in bed, or going to sleep. Exercise is a great replacement for drinking and has way more benefits!! Good luck!!

Aellyce

Thanks, D!

You are right and I absolutely agree. I need to learn how to do all this in practice, beyond theory. I've done similar things in other areas of my life already, but of course this is most difficult as this is my biggest problem. Thanks again!

Thepatman

I am similar about not wanting to ask for help. However I realized Alcohol required that I drop my guards and trust people on SR.

So far none have let me down. But I still need to practice asking for help, I always feel scared of annoying people. When you find support like SR, for me a lifeline, you hang on to it.

newhope01

Well reaching out here is a good first step although I think going to an open AA meeting and just observing would also be a good goal. Remember you never have to share anything you don't want too or even at all.

When I was drinking everyday the way I pushed through day 2 was by considering the consequences by playing it through and then I would promise myself that I could drink after 30 minutes of surfing on these forums. I would post that I was having intense cravings and through the support of other members I was always able to resist.

The hardest part for me was making myself come to SR when I got the urge to drink because I knew it would stop me from drinking and that's all I wanted to do. I think having a support system, anyone that you can call or go to, when you are experiencing cravings will help you the most in the first few days. SR is a good start and I hope you keep posting.

safe2breathe

you get past day two the same way you get passed day one --- you dont drink ... and it will suck more than day one ... day 3 will probably be worse ... i suggest - trying an Actual AA meeting (only bc that is what i am familiar with_) if not AA - get to SOME kind of meeting or group if possible... you dont have to not drink an entire day - you just have to not drink for one hour (10 min) at a time. If there is alcohol in the house get rid of it ... NOT BY DRINKING IT. Say a nice goodbye and dump it in the toilet - if nothing else - and you feel like drinking - get on here instead read stories - post I DONT WANT TO DRINK - or something ... someone will be around to answer and talk....

Aellyce

Yes there is definitely a pattern to when and how I tend to give in. I am an alone at home drinker... An introvert, but at the same time I really crave quality interaction with very select few others. So I've developed this really unhealthy habit over many years that I sit in my room in front of the computer emailing or chatting with someone I like a lot 1:1, and many of these interactions have become addictive almost like alcohol... in fact the two are often paired: I would spend hours and hours "talking" with these people whole sipping booze... fooling myself this is what I enjoy best. So very often my triggers are these people online... one reason why I was so reluctant to post here much, afraid that I would get hooked on this in similarly unhealthy ways. But I don't want to, am very aware of all this now.

Yes definitely changing my routines should be a key element, I've already tried many things but not enough of perhaps not the right key factors. Exercise... oh yeah, I know that I should start and then stick with it!

I do like the idea of breaking down days to small bits. That's how I actually also tend to be most productive at work, so I probably have a natural tendency for that already. I've been trying to think about ways to maybe reward myself with something simple and healthy after these small intervals have been accomplished. Maybe checking in here could be one!

KateL

You have made a good start in coming here and I wish you luck in finding your sobriety xx

newhope01

Are these people you chat with people that you know in the 3D world or just the internet world? I may be overstepping a boundary here, so I apologize, but to me it sounds like you're a shy person that may have difficulty making friends and use alcohol to numb the loneliness you may be feeling. If any of that is at all correct, you really should push your boundaries and reach out to an AA group.

I have to admit that I have heard horror stories about some AA meetings but in my personal experiences, I have been met with nothing but warmth and kindness. Also, I think its a great way to relearn social skills and become comfortable interacting with others.

Aellyce

Yeah for me Day 1 is usually bad because of the acute physical malaise... then I tend to feel pretty good on Day 2 and this is when I give in, stupidly believing the addict in myself that I'm fine... I did not go further than this more than ~3 times in the past 5-6 years, but when I did, yes Day 3 felt worst out of the first three days, and the mental symptoms dominate then (brain fog, intense mood swings, agitation, etc). I'm quite familiar with the science of the course of these things and withdrawal, so it's not a mystery to me at all that I'm experiencing them. I usually stand the physical symptoms and even the moods quite well, but am weak when the cravings become so strong, and that's where I always slip.

Aellyce

newhope - that observation is 100% correct about me being a shy person (who actually learned to put on fake self-confidence when necessary, pretty well).

Actually most of these people that I chat with tend to be people I know from the 3D world also, but we do most of the interactions online rather than face2face. I think because they tend to be similar to myself in some basic personality traits, including being shy, but having a lot of things to say. So yes probably the best would be to push myself to join a group of initially strangers and then let it all happen without thinking too much initially.

newhope01

Have you told these folks who you like to chat with about your alcoholism yet? Perhaps they can become the beginnings of a support system.

Aellyce

I mentioned it to some people as a "drinking problem" but never described the extent of it in detail to anyone. They did not tend to take it seriously because of this, and also because either they have never had an addiction and I think cannot imagine how bad it can be, or one of them actually have a drinking problem himself but is in denial about it, he also used to be my occasional drinking buddy, and by now at least I've managed to reduce communication with him to nearly zero, which I feel helps as he was my biggest trigger.

I actually would prefer to start anew and find new friends for this also because the communication with the old ones tended to get really twisted and crazy at times. I have been doing that for years and years and would like a change now. Also, as a start, I think it would be more meaningful and helpful to share this part of myself with people that have been in a similar boat and understand it from experience. This is why I finally decided to start posting here more.

So I am trying a new Day 1 today Will try to make some more changes in my routines and as suggested, will keep me very busy. That is indeed one of the best things that can keep me from drinking, or thinking about the drink. I have a very nice job that I love but have been neglecting quite badly due to alcohol and hangovers and constantly feel guilty and ashamed about this. This is something I desperately want to change, and the booze has to go otherwise it's impossible.

Thank you guys for all the responses and suggestions, it helped me even last night when I started drinking, then decided to post here... and I did not feel like drinking more!

FreeOwl

I got beyond day 2 with AA....

today, I got to day 11 with AA

I don't always make it every day, but I get there a few times a week and it makes all the difference.

May you find your own successful path to Day 2.... and beyond.

newhope01

I am happy to hear you are willing to try and reach out to others for help. I hope you try AA today to keep you sober through day 2. I find that whenever I start to feel good, that is when I am most likely to drink and it seems like you drink on day 2 because that's when the hangover gets better. I think that AA will help you through these first few days.

Imabuleva

haennie,

Do you have fun when you drink any more? What do you even gain out of it?

I suppose for me, I think higher of myself when I get enough alcohol in me, but that only lasts until I wake up depressed, miserable, frustrated, and self-loathing. I don't even have fun when I drink.

Aellyce

Very similar for me, Imabuleva or better expression yet, identical. I used to feel it was fun during the first few years of course, like most people do. Not anymore or it's very superficial. It's more making me crazy with convoluted thinking that sometimes registers as "fun" for a few minutes or an hour, but not really, these days my awareness of the consequences tends to be so strong that it tends to penetrate any buzz unless I'm in a blackout... So, no.

But I've had quite a good Day 1 so far, pretty excited about the interactions on SR! Thanks for the note, you've brought up an important point about drinking not being fun while we want to enjoy life... and it prevents it!

butterfly33

Hi haennie,

Welcome to SR! I'm glad you're making positive connections here with others who understand how you feel and what you are going through.

Wasn't that great what Imabuleva said? He hit the nail on the head for me too!

Good luck on your journey