SoberLife2014

Hello everyone! I hope everyone is enjoying the New Year! So, I've been sober for 7 months and while things are getting better, I find that I'm still haunted by my past. Constantly. Everything I do, and everywhere I go reminds me of drinking. Even if it doesn't have a negative event associated with it like a fight or a meltdown I still feel... haunted. For example, every room in my house has a memory of drinking in it whether it be drinking in my closet, hiding alcohol and drinking in the guest room, and even the bathroom where I used to drink while taking a bath. I'll even find myself driving down the road when a memory will pop up of all the times I was driving down that road with a stash of alcohol that I had just bought at the store. It really makes me feel bad to be constantly bombarded with these memories of self abuse and sneaking around. Has anyone else had a similar experience? Will this go away over time? Anyone have any advice on how to deal with it?

least

Yes, it should go away with more sober time. In the meantime, might counseling be a good idea? It might be helpful to have a third party to talk to about your unhappy memories.

SoberLife2014

I wish I could get some counseling but I can't really afford it right now. Plus, I have a newborn and I don't have anyone to watch him.

SeaScape

Congratulations on your 7 months - you are awesome- just wanted to say that!

SoberLife2014

Thank you seascape! It feels good!

Dee74

Hi Zelda

hmmm...I never had that - and I continued living in the place where I used to drink for around 7 months or so after I got sober.

Has your life stayed the same other than not drinking? that could be a factor?

D

soberclover

I think you should get a smudge stick and create a smudging ceremony I've done this when moving in to a new house/new place. I've never thought about doing this where I'm living now but this would be really neat to do considering this is a new SOBER HOUSE!

SoberLife2014

Lots of things have changed since I drank. I'm not working anymore and I have a baby. I still can't shake my guilt and shame completely. Maybe that has something to do with it.

SoberLife2014

Damn it I am so sick of lugging this guilt around! It's eating me alive! I've done everything to get rid of it. I've prayed, I've done selfless things, I've done my 4th step thoroughly, etc. Fine, screw it, I'll just live with it for the rest of my life. I can't ever get any damn peace anymore because I can't drink, but the drinking is what put me there in the first place! Sorry, I'm just having a pity party.

MsJax

It's tough sometimes, Zelda. I have over 2.5 years & over time the guilt & gross feelings do get better. Soberclover has a really good idea with the smudging, I have successfully smudged bad energy out before. I like sage. Congratulations on your baby and your sobriety. I hope you feel better very soon.

MsJax

It's ok to have a pity party too!!!! But with No Booze!!!

Dee74

That might be key.
Why do you think you can't seem to forgive yourself?

D

SoberLife2014

I'm just tired. Tired of drinking, tired of recovering, tired of constantly thinking about alcohol. The stigma of being referred to as an alcoholic really bothers me sometimes. Even though I'm through and through an alcoholic in the worst way. At one point in my life I felt great about myself. I was fit, I loved my job, and I just graduated from nursing school. I was headed toward success. Then, I got a DUI on my last day of nursing school. I feel like it ruined my career. And furthermore, who would want to be with an alcoholic? I don't know why my husband stayed. I'm a loser. I'm a criminal. I drank while I was pregnant. Who can say I'm a good person after all that? Now it all just haunts me. It'll just follow me around to remind me everyday how stupid and selfish and weak I was.

SoberLife2014

I feel broken and I don't know what to do.

Dee74

Thats some pretty strong self hate there.

I hated myself too - I have a strong perfectionist streak and I despised myself for being so weak for a long time.

But I was not weak - I've proved that time and again in other areas of my life..

What I was was addicted. They're not the same.

I faced my addiction - I got sober, and I stayed sober.
That's a big achievement.

I also had to accept the past was done. I couldn't change a second of it....but I could do a lot with my today and tomorrow tho.

I've done more in the last 7 years than I did in the 20 before that. That goes a long way to settling my karmic slate.

I can't forget what happened in the past, but I can try and make amends for it. and come to forgive myself.

I was sick - I got well

D

bemyself

Zelda, I really do reckon Dee's got to the nub of the 'way out', in his very personal description.

I very much relate to your stuff about so tired of the whole drinking / not drinking / recovery thing. But to give you some hope - in a reverse story: I'm coming to the end (I feel) of yet another drinking period. Active addiction. What Dee's trying to say is he reached a point of being able to separate WHO we are from our addiction.

Actively reminding myself of just that is often the only way that I ever feel that I can go on - to get sober (again) and stay sober (again).

Re the memories: sometimes I find it useful to say, 'yeah, I DID do some good even great things in my life!'. Self-forgiveness is an organic process - pity there's not a pill / magic fix for it, eh? :-)

This is solely my opinion, but I've found - just for me - that to focus too much on the sort of 'moral' / character 'defects' aspect of much recovery literature and culture keeps me in a place where I do NOT want to be. It clouds all the positives of ourselves, and especially the positives of being sober. I can still remember those positives of sobriety - however short lived they seem to have been this past year. But they keep me wanting to get to that place again - minus the self-flagellation.

Personally, I applaud you for getting so much sober time up, and for being simply who you really are!

xx
Vic

Dee74

thats the end result, but the getting there was a little more convoluted.

I had to accept that I was an alcoholic, and I had to accept I did the things I did.
You can't forgive yourself by denying stuff happened.

Then you can forge a new sober identity (or rediscover your old pre-drinking one)

D

bemyself

Exactly, Dee. All of the above. And no, it doesn't happen in a trice...dammit :-)

Anna

Zelda, I had a terrible time with guilt and shame when I stopped drinking. I had upset my family and alienated them for close to 3 years. I had compromised my health. I had become someone I hated. Like you, memories would pop up for me at odd times. I would hear a song playing while I was shopping, and tears would flow. So...as time went by I kept working on forgiving myself and it was a slow process. A wonderful lady from SR recommended journaling and I began to do that. Whenever I felt overcome with negativity I began to write, scribble my feelings and it really helped. The guilt began to lessen. It took a long time, most of a year, but in the end I burned the journal and my shame.

In recovery, I have found that I am not unique in my failings. We are all human and we are all struggling. Right now, you have a chance to live a sober life and be a great mother.

SteveJr

Congrats on the 7 months!
I lived for 4 years sober in the same place where I was doing the same things prior...driving the same roads, past the same liquor stores, hiding the liquor all over the house, etc.
Ive found with sobriety, it's a constant learning process. Some of the hardest parts for me was forgiving those who hurt me in the past. Even harder was forgiving myself. It's never too early in recovery to let go of the person you were and embrace the person you're becoming as you change your life for the better, becoming the parent your child needs, and letting go of the past.