Twelve years of hell- my story. [warning- extremely long post]
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Twelve years of hell- my story. [warning- extremely long post]
I want to share my story with anyone who cares to read and might relate to it; for those who know all too well the reality of being an addict/alcoholic, and for those who are still in the early phases of addiction. Just because it happened to me while I was young does not mean it won't happen to you, and I know many on here have had it 10x worse than I had it.
[warning- some dark content- in no way am I attempting to glorify drug use. I am sharing my experience to attempt show the truth of addiction, the horrors and deceptive nature of drug and alcohol abuse, and also to get a lot of it off of my chest. this disease is not all sunshine and butterflies of recovery, but take all I say with a grain of salt.]
My story: I am new to sobriety but definitely not new to the concept of twelve steps and living a sober lifestyle. In fact I have been "getting sober" since I was a young teen; I have been in and out of court appointed rehabs and AA/NA meetings since I was 14 (25 now) and have had literature drilled into my brain. But I didn't want it then, the drug lifestyle was still new and exciting; the older kids I saw smoking blunts and drinking bottles I looked up to, and they weren't square and boring like the kids who didn't use.. That's who I aspired to, the kids who didn't have curfews and skateboarded through town selling weed and breaking and stealing **** out of cars. Those were my role models..
I got my first marijuana charge in 8th grade, followed by another shortly. I stopped caring about school and did absolutely no school work, it was all so superficial to me and a waste of time. I only went to prevent me from getting charged with truancy and sent to Juvi, which I eventually did anyway. My days at school consisted of sleeping, tagging my tests and state exams with graffiti and marking "A" all the way down the line, and spending time in the ISS hall where I would cut lines of Ritalin and do graffiti. I was barely fourteen.
Fast forward past 8th grade is when the addiction took off. I was smoking crystal meth by fifteen and drinking whatever I could steal or get my hands on. I cleared out every pharmacy in the vicinity of dextromethorphan containing cough syrups, and had already been in three rehab facilities (kicked out of two for using in the bathroom and off premises). I spent five months in a locked juvenile correctional facility and was introduced to the inner city culture. I made friends with African American and Hmong troubled youth, they were tattooed and had been shot at, spoke with a cool slang had cool handshakes.. Here I was a suburban white kid and knew nothing of gang culture so it fascinated me. After I was released I tried emulating that and selling marijuana but never could make much of a profit because I kept smoking it all. I did a few more stints in rehabs and Juvi, and violated my probation so many times (due to drinking in school) that they eventually sent me back for another five months.
Fast forward to age seventeen- I was kicked out of my high school and sent to the Area Learning Center, where there was no homework and they gave us smoke breaks between classes. I didn't last long there either, and went to jail again for a drug related PV. My step mother had enough of me and did not want me back, at all. The only other option was to send me to New Mexico, with my mom. She declined and would not take me. So my own family didn't want me because of my actions and behavior, but I had to go somewhere. My dad called a good friend of his and got me a job working in a warehouse, put a first month and a security payment on an apartment and said there you go.. He also contacted an Army recruiter, they were more than willing to accept me I just needed to keep my nose clean until I was off probation. A new lease on life and all was set in my favor, i just needed to stay clean and out of trouble.. I was waiting to ship to boot camp while living in my own place, driving my own car and working a job while my peers were completing their junior year in high school. I was stoked on it, but looking back it's almost as if I was being rewarded for my bad behavior, I didn't earn any of it and I had to learn the hard way..
Seven months later, instead of doing what was right and cleaning up my act, I had become fairly big mushroom and coke dealer in my area of the Twin Cities, trashed the apartment to the point where it was unrecognizable and got my first DUI after almost killing myself and three people. By the grace of God I survived but my dreams of joining the Army and getting out of that life by enlisting were shattered and set back for at least another few years. I also impregnated my girlfriend, at age seventeen, who continued to use drugs and alcohol while holding my son. The result, my son Travis is mildly autistic but is one of the most beautiful and smart kids I have ever seen considering the circumstances- he also does not come off as autistic and fits in and plays well with other kids.. this was a huge event in my life and one of the main reasons I am here today wanting sobriety more than ever- to re unite with my son.
Toward the end of my stint in the apartment, I began using the drugs in my supply and to make up the difference, I would set up deals and rob the would be buyers. This was not getting me any reputation or credibility as a dealer and I was only making more and more enemies. Looking back, my friends who were initially in on the "operation" we had going were slipping away, and more shady and low vibe people were joining my circle.
I would get visits from the police and investigators, and was constantly paranoid that I was being watched or set up. After being monitored by the police for a period of time they finally got me on of four felony counts- two of my runners had kidnapped a kid with a gun who owed us approximately 600 dollars and he was quick to tell police I was the source dealer. A call I made to the kid demanding money was traced back to my phone and even though I was not present at the incident I was implicated in all the offenses. They raided the house as I was getting out of the shower and just like that my house of cards crashed down on me. this time it was serious- a gun was involved and with my record I was going to be certified as an adult. I was facing prison.
I remember having some kind of sense of calm in the jail cell awaiting my court date, praying a lot and accepting that I was going to St Cloud prison for four years at age seventeen. I would not last a day in that place but I couldn't think about that! the certification hearing gave the PA the green light to charge me as an adult- so all I could do was pray, pray, and pray. Keeping me in the bull pen waiting for my hearing was a bit more nerve racking. I for once got scared and wanted to break down and felt the walls closing in on me, and asked God for one more chance to make things right.. Well, it wouldn't be the last time I cried to God but he sure did listen.
Going out before the Judge I was notified 3 of the felony counts were dropped due to lack of evidence and that I was no longer being charged as an adult- because they couldn't tie me to the other charges the most they could give me was 8 months in a 18-21 serious offender facility, a kind of last resort for juvenile offenders. I was so happy and overjoyed I could cry and the kids in the bull pen could not understand why I was happy about 8 months locked up.. It was the best words I had ever heard and cracked a huge smile when the judge gave me the punishment..
I did the time, came to understand a lot about myself and read a lot. They had us working out vigorously for 3 hours a day so I got fit, read encyclopedias and got stoked to be a father.. Travis was born December 13th 2006, and I was released four months later. Unfortunately my girlfriend had cheated on me and broke up with me during my time in jail, and got pregnant by another dude. So it goes, but I was pretty broken up about it at the time and when I got out it was only a matter of time before I began using again. I started up the crystal meth once more, and heavy drinking.. God had answered my prayers and help me avert prison, but once I was in the clear I turned my back on Him again.. I was back in the **** harder and and heavier than I was before, only this time I wasn't under surveillance or probation.
That changed quickly, when I was strung out on blow one night and turned on my partner who demanded money I fronted him to get my drugs. I had not slept for two days and responded by nearly beating the life out of my own friend and, according to his report to the police, was grabbing a knife from the kitchen and walking toward him when he ran out the door to find help. I ransacked the house for money and drugs, took what I could and was just leaving as the sirens were getting close. I showed up at my ex girlfriends apartment drunk and high on coke, no shirt, and severely bleeding legs from running from the police through thorn bushes in the woods. Her boyfriend gave me a ride to Minneapolis where I would link up with a cell mate from my previous stint in lock up, I was now on the run and had nothing to lose. so I came up on some money and started selling crack and cocaine with my new room mate and drug partner. This partnership was short lived and little did I know my arrogance and disregard for others was catching up with me. I was moments away from hitting bottom.
Being on run and selling drugs lasted for a few months and life was good. Girls, parties and drug runs between the cities was thrilling to me and being on run made me feel untouchable like I was giving the system the finger. I got a new SUV under the table and for a moment thought I was on top of the world.. That was very short lived though. soon I was robbing people again, stealing from the supply, stealing money and causing resentment in my partner. He was hustling and I was partying and womanizing, always drunk or on some kind of stimulant. I thought I was invincible when in reality I was addicted and delusional.
It all ended one night in St. Paul when I was drunk and hyped up and punched the wrong guy, who was not in a gang himself but was affiliated with them. I arrogantly thought I was going to be okay and didn't leave the scene, and eight of them came through the door and beat me close to a coma. It felt like time stopped. I knew all I could do was try to protect my face. I was bleeding, bloody and broken as they were leaving, but through my delusional and drug induced psychosis and arrogance I went outside to chase after them. Dumbest mistake. I was beaten more and my jaw was stomped to pieces. My partner came too late wielding an axe scaring the hell out of already frightened and crying girls. In my half conscious stupor and rage, I pointed at a random kid, a black guy who was not a part of the incident at all and was there with two of his female friends. but somehow, in that state of insanity I felt deserved to be axed in retaliation to me getting jumped by unrelated people. This is the darkness and the insanity of drugs and alcohol.
He got away, but his two female companions were hiding behind a dumpster. For a brief moment I felt the horror and the shame of what we were doing, how ****** up and wrong it was holding an axe to a crying woman's neck as we robbed them. Sirens were coming and we left the scene. Waking up hungover the next day with a broken face and these scenes of pure evil running through my mind was, let's just say I would not wish it on anyone.
42 days I went without medical attention, knowing that if I turned myself in I would go to prison. 42 days of the worst agony and physical pain I have ever felt, and my wound soon became infected and face grew twice as large and disfigured. I still continued to drink, use amphetamines and MDMA. As the days went by, I knew that if I didn't get it treated I would die, so I left state for New Mexico and had My jaw wired shut and the infection scraped out. I was given a bottle of codeine for pain to last me a month which I consumed in one night. I went back asking for more and was given Vicodin which I consumed in a few days and overdosed, and almost died from suffocation throwing up in a greyhound bathroom with a wired shut jaw. It was miserable and pathetic.
But I kept using.
This was five years ago, and by that time I was only twenty years old. I discovered snowboarding and downhill longboarding which may have saved my life, but still struggled with active addiction over the next years and was going through an 8 ball of cocaine a night, drinking cheap tequila and trying to find a serenity and escape that simply wasn't there. I was knocking on satans doorstep and would be up for days, hearing voices and re living haunting memories of the past. If only I went to a meeting and surrendered to my addiction sooner...
There are many more ups and downs that have occurred since that time, but due to the extreme length of this post and the dark nature of my experiences I feel that I have said enough. I am here now, living, breathing and alive. Many of my friends and acquaintances have died from suicide, drug overdose and murder. How I am still here I don't know, but I believe God has spared me for a reason and maybe that reason is to show the ugly and raw truth of addiction with my experiences to those who are still in the euphoric and care free phases. It is not like they depict in the movies, it is not glorious- it is evil, insidious and deceptive. And you will keep going back for more.
Anyway, that is my story and I am glad to be alive today. I want a new life, a life that is wholesome, and of a higher frequency and I want to make amends for the harm I have inflicted upon others and my own family. I don't know where to start, but that's why I am posting this here. I apologize for the length of this post but I really needed to get this off my chest, I am in no way glorifying these experiences but they did happen and I need to acknowledge that. it was painful for me to write.
I am ready to turn the page into a new chapter of life, one of love and forgiveness recovery, and be the father I never was. He is seven now and needs me in his life badly. I will never go back to that hell that many of you are all too familiar with, the seemingly never ending, self perpetuating cycle of hell that is addiction.
Peace, serenity and love to you all; and have a great and replenishing new year.
Chaz
[warning- some dark content- in no way am I attempting to glorify drug use. I am sharing my experience to attempt show the truth of addiction, the horrors and deceptive nature of drug and alcohol abuse, and also to get a lot of it off of my chest. this disease is not all sunshine and butterflies of recovery, but take all I say with a grain of salt.]
My story: I am new to sobriety but definitely not new to the concept of twelve steps and living a sober lifestyle. In fact I have been "getting sober" since I was a young teen; I have been in and out of court appointed rehabs and AA/NA meetings since I was 14 (25 now) and have had literature drilled into my brain. But I didn't want it then, the drug lifestyle was still new and exciting; the older kids I saw smoking blunts and drinking bottles I looked up to, and they weren't square and boring like the kids who didn't use.. That's who I aspired to, the kids who didn't have curfews and skateboarded through town selling weed and breaking and stealing **** out of cars. Those were my role models..
I got my first marijuana charge in 8th grade, followed by another shortly. I stopped caring about school and did absolutely no school work, it was all so superficial to me and a waste of time. I only went to prevent me from getting charged with truancy and sent to Juvi, which I eventually did anyway. My days at school consisted of sleeping, tagging my tests and state exams with graffiti and marking "A" all the way down the line, and spending time in the ISS hall where I would cut lines of Ritalin and do graffiti. I was barely fourteen.
Fast forward past 8th grade is when the addiction took off. I was smoking crystal meth by fifteen and drinking whatever I could steal or get my hands on. I cleared out every pharmacy in the vicinity of dextromethorphan containing cough syrups, and had already been in three rehab facilities (kicked out of two for using in the bathroom and off premises). I spent five months in a locked juvenile correctional facility and was introduced to the inner city culture. I made friends with African American and Hmong troubled youth, they were tattooed and had been shot at, spoke with a cool slang had cool handshakes.. Here I was a suburban white kid and knew nothing of gang culture so it fascinated me. After I was released I tried emulating that and selling marijuana but never could make much of a profit because I kept smoking it all. I did a few more stints in rehabs and Juvi, and violated my probation so many times (due to drinking in school) that they eventually sent me back for another five months.
Fast forward to age seventeen- I was kicked out of my high school and sent to the Area Learning Center, where there was no homework and they gave us smoke breaks between classes. I didn't last long there either, and went to jail again for a drug related PV. My step mother had enough of me and did not want me back, at all. The only other option was to send me to New Mexico, with my mom. She declined and would not take me. So my own family didn't want me because of my actions and behavior, but I had to go somewhere. My dad called a good friend of his and got me a job working in a warehouse, put a first month and a security payment on an apartment and said there you go.. He also contacted an Army recruiter, they were more than willing to accept me I just needed to keep my nose clean until I was off probation. A new lease on life and all was set in my favor, i just needed to stay clean and out of trouble.. I was waiting to ship to boot camp while living in my own place, driving my own car and working a job while my peers were completing their junior year in high school. I was stoked on it, but looking back it's almost as if I was being rewarded for my bad behavior, I didn't earn any of it and I had to learn the hard way..
Seven months later, instead of doing what was right and cleaning up my act, I had become fairly big mushroom and coke dealer in my area of the Twin Cities, trashed the apartment to the point where it was unrecognizable and got my first DUI after almost killing myself and three people. By the grace of God I survived but my dreams of joining the Army and getting out of that life by enlisting were shattered and set back for at least another few years. I also impregnated my girlfriend, at age seventeen, who continued to use drugs and alcohol while holding my son. The result, my son Travis is mildly autistic but is one of the most beautiful and smart kids I have ever seen considering the circumstances- he also does not come off as autistic and fits in and plays well with other kids.. this was a huge event in my life and one of the main reasons I am here today wanting sobriety more than ever- to re unite with my son.
Toward the end of my stint in the apartment, I began using the drugs in my supply and to make up the difference, I would set up deals and rob the would be buyers. This was not getting me any reputation or credibility as a dealer and I was only making more and more enemies. Looking back, my friends who were initially in on the "operation" we had going were slipping away, and more shady and low vibe people were joining my circle.
I would get visits from the police and investigators, and was constantly paranoid that I was being watched or set up. After being monitored by the police for a period of time they finally got me on of four felony counts- two of my runners had kidnapped a kid with a gun who owed us approximately 600 dollars and he was quick to tell police I was the source dealer. A call I made to the kid demanding money was traced back to my phone and even though I was not present at the incident I was implicated in all the offenses. They raided the house as I was getting out of the shower and just like that my house of cards crashed down on me. this time it was serious- a gun was involved and with my record I was going to be certified as an adult. I was facing prison.
I remember having some kind of sense of calm in the jail cell awaiting my court date, praying a lot and accepting that I was going to St Cloud prison for four years at age seventeen. I would not last a day in that place but I couldn't think about that! the certification hearing gave the PA the green light to charge me as an adult- so all I could do was pray, pray, and pray. Keeping me in the bull pen waiting for my hearing was a bit more nerve racking. I for once got scared and wanted to break down and felt the walls closing in on me, and asked God for one more chance to make things right.. Well, it wouldn't be the last time I cried to God but he sure did listen.
Going out before the Judge I was notified 3 of the felony counts were dropped due to lack of evidence and that I was no longer being charged as an adult- because they couldn't tie me to the other charges the most they could give me was 8 months in a 18-21 serious offender facility, a kind of last resort for juvenile offenders. I was so happy and overjoyed I could cry and the kids in the bull pen could not understand why I was happy about 8 months locked up.. It was the best words I had ever heard and cracked a huge smile when the judge gave me the punishment..
I did the time, came to understand a lot about myself and read a lot. They had us working out vigorously for 3 hours a day so I got fit, read encyclopedias and got stoked to be a father.. Travis was born December 13th 2006, and I was released four months later. Unfortunately my girlfriend had cheated on me and broke up with me during my time in jail, and got pregnant by another dude. So it goes, but I was pretty broken up about it at the time and when I got out it was only a matter of time before I began using again. I started up the crystal meth once more, and heavy drinking.. God had answered my prayers and help me avert prison, but once I was in the clear I turned my back on Him again.. I was back in the **** harder and and heavier than I was before, only this time I wasn't under surveillance or probation.
That changed quickly, when I was strung out on blow one night and turned on my partner who demanded money I fronted him to get my drugs. I had not slept for two days and responded by nearly beating the life out of my own friend and, according to his report to the police, was grabbing a knife from the kitchen and walking toward him when he ran out the door to find help. I ransacked the house for money and drugs, took what I could and was just leaving as the sirens were getting close. I showed up at my ex girlfriends apartment drunk and high on coke, no shirt, and severely bleeding legs from running from the police through thorn bushes in the woods. Her boyfriend gave me a ride to Minneapolis where I would link up with a cell mate from my previous stint in lock up, I was now on the run and had nothing to lose. so I came up on some money and started selling crack and cocaine with my new room mate and drug partner. This partnership was short lived and little did I know my arrogance and disregard for others was catching up with me. I was moments away from hitting bottom.
Being on run and selling drugs lasted for a few months and life was good. Girls, parties and drug runs between the cities was thrilling to me and being on run made me feel untouchable like I was giving the system the finger. I got a new SUV under the table and for a moment thought I was on top of the world.. That was very short lived though. soon I was robbing people again, stealing from the supply, stealing money and causing resentment in my partner. He was hustling and I was partying and womanizing, always drunk or on some kind of stimulant. I thought I was invincible when in reality I was addicted and delusional.
It all ended one night in St. Paul when I was drunk and hyped up and punched the wrong guy, who was not in a gang himself but was affiliated with them. I arrogantly thought I was going to be okay and didn't leave the scene, and eight of them came through the door and beat me close to a coma. It felt like time stopped. I knew all I could do was try to protect my face. I was bleeding, bloody and broken as they were leaving, but through my delusional and drug induced psychosis and arrogance I went outside to chase after them. Dumbest mistake. I was beaten more and my jaw was stomped to pieces. My partner came too late wielding an axe scaring the hell out of already frightened and crying girls. In my half conscious stupor and rage, I pointed at a random kid, a black guy who was not a part of the incident at all and was there with two of his female friends. but somehow, in that state of insanity I felt deserved to be axed in retaliation to me getting jumped by unrelated people. This is the darkness and the insanity of drugs and alcohol.
He got away, but his two female companions were hiding behind a dumpster. For a brief moment I felt the horror and the shame of what we were doing, how ****** up and wrong it was holding an axe to a crying woman's neck as we robbed them. Sirens were coming and we left the scene. Waking up hungover the next day with a broken face and these scenes of pure evil running through my mind was, let's just say I would not wish it on anyone.
42 days I went without medical attention, knowing that if I turned myself in I would go to prison. 42 days of the worst agony and physical pain I have ever felt, and my wound soon became infected and face grew twice as large and disfigured. I still continued to drink, use amphetamines and MDMA. As the days went by, I knew that if I didn't get it treated I would die, so I left state for New Mexico and had My jaw wired shut and the infection scraped out. I was given a bottle of codeine for pain to last me a month which I consumed in one night. I went back asking for more and was given Vicodin which I consumed in a few days and overdosed, and almost died from suffocation throwing up in a greyhound bathroom with a wired shut jaw. It was miserable and pathetic.
But I kept using.
This was five years ago, and by that time I was only twenty years old. I discovered snowboarding and downhill longboarding which may have saved my life, but still struggled with active addiction over the next years and was going through an 8 ball of cocaine a night, drinking cheap tequila and trying to find a serenity and escape that simply wasn't there. I was knocking on satans doorstep and would be up for days, hearing voices and re living haunting memories of the past. If only I went to a meeting and surrendered to my addiction sooner...
There are many more ups and downs that have occurred since that time, but due to the extreme length of this post and the dark nature of my experiences I feel that I have said enough. I am here now, living, breathing and alive. Many of my friends and acquaintances have died from suicide, drug overdose and murder. How I am still here I don't know, but I believe God has spared me for a reason and maybe that reason is to show the ugly and raw truth of addiction with my experiences to those who are still in the euphoric and care free phases. It is not like they depict in the movies, it is not glorious- it is evil, insidious and deceptive. And you will keep going back for more.
Anyway, that is my story and I am glad to be alive today. I want a new life, a life that is wholesome, and of a higher frequency and I want to make amends for the harm I have inflicted upon others and my own family. I don't know where to start, but that's why I am posting this here. I apologize for the length of this post but I really needed to get this off my chest, I am in no way glorifying these experiences but they did happen and I need to acknowledge that. it was painful for me to write.
I am ready to turn the page into a new chapter of life, one of love and forgiveness recovery, and be the father I never was. He is seven now and needs me in his life badly. I will never go back to that hell that many of you are all too familiar with, the seemingly never ending, self perpetuating cycle of hell that is addiction.
Peace, serenity and love to you all; and have a great and replenishing new year.
Chaz
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,915
Wow...what a story. Thank you for sharing, sectownkid. I'm sorry to hear about all you have gone through, but glad that you came out the other side in a better place. I hope you and your son can find a relationship. Addiction really sucks.
to SR! I'm glad you found us and joined the family. 
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: State of Acceptance
Posts: 756
Welcome sectownkid! Glad you stumbled upon us!! 
You have a remarkable story and you can help so many people if you freely share it. Stay clean and sober. You will be a positive role-model to many and I am sure you will save many lives. My best to you!
You have a remarkable story and you can help so many people if you freely share it. Stay clean and sober. You will be a positive role-model to many and I am sure you will save many lives. My best to you!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
"but I believe God has spared me for a reason and maybe that reason is to show the ugly and raw truth of addiction with my experiences to those who are still in the euphoric and care free phases."
yep.....
Thank you for having the courage to share your story.
It's a gift to me, because it gives me another piece of evidence of how bad it can get, and why I don't want to go there.
yep.....
Thank you for having the courage to share your story.
It's a gift to me, because it gives me another piece of evidence of how bad it can get, and why I don't want to go there.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Sacramento, Ca
Posts: 24
Chaz, The unfortunate truth is; your story is one that many addicts have traveled. I know from my experiences, and those of the group I belong to that, we have all done things, bad things, to ourselves and others. My bet is, it wasn't really you, it was who you became and you can become yourself again. Just know you can be a Phoenix and be reborn from the ashes. The best thing I ever did was to join a recovery group. I found great value, acceptance and support, in the beginning, by being with those who had experienced similar hardships. I wish you the best and be strong!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Alaska
Posts: 30
Thanks you all very much for your kind and inspiring words. I read every reply and each one gives me confidence that I can finally close the book on this chapter. It is long overdue.
I have completely quit cocaine and amphetamines. The depersonalization, derealization and psychosis of sleep deprivation and amphetamine withdrawal is over. The weeks in that state were probably the closest to hell I have ever been. I was absolutely mindfucked and insane, thought my mind was being controlled by an alien computer on the far side of the moon or something. So thankfully that part is over and done with..
Unfortunately I have only made a nine day streak of no alcohol in the past month before relapsing.. I am trying to kick alcohol for good, and I have dramatically cut down the frequency and amount of usage. I really hope I can do this there's no other option left on the table except complete abstinence. Only then can I start rebuilding my life.
Until then, whenever that is, I am stuck in a mental and spiritual limbo and self medicating. It still severely impairs me and I have no idea why I do it. I feel great when I'm sober, alert, alive and most importantly I am SANE when I'm sober.. so why do I always pick the sunniest days to relapse and go back to not giving a ****? What the **** is wrong with me?
I think I may already know the answer to that question, but it's good to put everything into perspective. Thanks for your replies and reading what I have to say. It means a lot.
CT
I have completely quit cocaine and amphetamines. The depersonalization, derealization and psychosis of sleep deprivation and amphetamine withdrawal is over. The weeks in that state were probably the closest to hell I have ever been. I was absolutely mindfucked and insane, thought my mind was being controlled by an alien computer on the far side of the moon or something. So thankfully that part is over and done with..
Unfortunately I have only made a nine day streak of no alcohol in the past month before relapsing.. I am trying to kick alcohol for good, and I have dramatically cut down the frequency and amount of usage. I really hope I can do this there's no other option left on the table except complete abstinence. Only then can I start rebuilding my life.
Until then, whenever that is, I am stuck in a mental and spiritual limbo and self medicating. It still severely impairs me and I have no idea why I do it. I feel great when I'm sober, alert, alive and most importantly I am SANE when I'm sober.. so why do I always pick the sunniest days to relapse and go back to not giving a ****? What the **** is wrong with me?
I think I may already know the answer to that question, but it's good to put everything into perspective. Thanks for your replies and reading what I have to say. It means a lot.
CT
Last edited by sectownkid; 02-04-2014 at 03:17 PM. Reason: Typo
as a sober contributor
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: California
Posts: 1,312
Thanks for sharing
I am so glad that you have given up the drugs, Chaz. I've been there and lost my brother to drug addiction and just barely escaped with my life.
You CAN win your battle with alcohol. Keep trying and never give up!
Hopefully, soon you will be able to have a good relationship with your son and give him the help he will need to succeed in life.
Don't hesitate to reach out for help here when you need it.
You CAN win your battle with alcohol. Keep trying and never give up!
Hopefully, soon you will be able to have a good relationship with your son and give him the help he will need to succeed in life.
Don't hesitate to reach out for help here when you need it.
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