PinotNOmore

I am horribly angry today. I am angry at all the time I have lost due to drinking and/or recovering from drinking. I am angry that I didn't do something more when I first suspected something was going on, and now it seems that much harder! I am angry at my mind for repeatedly tricking me into thinking that a drink or two wouldn't hurt, because it always does! I am angry that I can't fix this as easily as I thought I could. I'm angry that this is who I am and I'm also very angry that I have not put more time and effort into becoming who I want to be. I have had twice as many sober days then drinking days this month, and that seriously means nothing when I think about it. Until I can be completely sober, I am still a failure. :-(

P.s. sorry for being such a downer. I am just so frustrated and my normally peppy, happy demeanor sufferers for days after drinking!

malcolmsloan

Pino, I could have written that word for word about a week or two ago. The past can feel like such a beast. But all we can do is be a bit better today. I know it's hard. I get all choked up and almost lock up when I think about the past, the wasted time, the tremendous diversion from who I really am and want to be. But we can change. What's that old quote/cliché, something about how we all have struggles, it's how we react to them that counts. Now, today, is our time to start reacting better, being better people. Try not to beat yourself up, bud. I did that for a long time, and it almost led me back to the booze.

I also found it helpful to kind of let myself be pissed, kind of ride it out like a craving, not fighting it, not irritating it more. It will pass. You'll feel better soon.

Nonsensical

My AV loves it when I am angry. Depriving that little thief of my anger puts a smile on my face all day. I highly recommend it.

Feel better soon!

foolsgold66

You're just a work in progress. We all are. Now may be the perfect opportunity to completely let go of alcohol.

doggonecarl

I agree with Nonsensical. Anger, especially when directed at our past drinking and failures to get sober, is a recovery killer. You can't change the past, but by staying sober today you can change tomorrow.

Toffee1

I am sorry you feel so down at the moment. Bearing in mind we cannot change the past, what positive constructive thing are you going to do from now in order to become the person you want to be? If you try to do one positive improvement in your life per day then it won't take long for you to feel and be better. Sermon over! Best of luck

1newcreation

Was up Pin
Sry to hear bout loosing all that time you had worked for; as regards to calling yourself a failure just remember that as a man thinks in his heart so he is(prov23:7)
Change how you see yourself and you'll make progress and feel better bout yourself, not only in sobriety but life in general
Best wishes

awuh1

Pinot, look at the last post you made prior to starting this thread. Those people can help. Go back! EVERYDAY for awhile. Changeup what you're doin.

All the best to you.

Mizzuno

This is not who you are Pinot. This drinking does not define who you are as a person, or who you will become. You get to define yourself. Alcoholism is never cured. Never. Having a reprieve away from the madness is all that can be asked for. Sometimes it takes many many times to get it right. My attempts were many and I have made it farther each time. Just keep plugging away at this. Keep it in your head that you will stop and be free from Alcohol. I know you can do this. You are not a failure. This type of thinking will only keep you in a place that will allow you to throw in the towel and drink. So, one foot in front of the other. Give it another go. Don't ever give up.

Dee74

Hey Pinot
I was angry too - but it's futile being angry at something you can't change...

if it helps at all I've done more in my 7 years sober than I ever did in 20 years drinkin'.

I'm sure you'll be able to look back and say the same Pinot

D

ReadyAtLast

Anger is a resentment and as I've got sober I've learnt that resentments are the biggest reason for drinking again.

Forgive yourself. Accept what has been is gone and cannot be undone.Concentrate your energies and emotions in the present and look to now. Or course we learn from past bad behaviour -that's good but don't let it eat you up with resentment towards yourself. Acceptance really is the key .

jdooner

Pinot - I am somewhat early in recovery but feel like the past few months have been like years. It helped me when I compared the death of my drinking and drugging to the 5 stages of grief:

1) Denial
2) Anger
3) Bargaining
4) Depression
5) Acceptance

I finally achieved acceptance two weeks ago, which is +3 months into this process. I don't regret anything I have done. Sounds crazy from an alcoholic/addict that was activated over 20 years ago. Well, if I did not have all my experiences, good and bad I would not have the wisdom that I have now. I grew up with a mother that always envied others - the grass was always greener - did nothing but hurt herself.

Perhaps it took me way to long but I now know who I am and like that person I have become.

ScottFromWI

Of all the things you list Pinot, the one I quoted above is the only one you can change. All the rest are in the past, and as others have mentioned dwelling on them will help no one, especially you.

I think you also need to clearly define to yourself who you want to be. Do you want to continue moderation? Or do you want to achieve full sobriety? It's good that you've had more sober days than drinking days this month, but as you most likely know alcoholism is progressive. If you continue to try and moderate vs quitting for good, you will eventually go back to drinking more often, it's just a fact of the disease and unavoidable.

You've dabbled in AVRT readings and been to an AA meeting, which were great ideas. Do you think perhaps you could commit to one or the other ( or both ) and dive in on a daily basis? That might be what you need to get over this hump.

I wish you the best and hope you can find the strength to finally put your foot down and tackle this thing for good.

MythOfSisyphus

It's really difficult to accept the finality of quitting, PinotNOmore. But as you found out you just spin your wheels until you do. Each painful stumble is a lesson though. You don't have to drink; all the good stuff comes when you realize that. Eventually you come to understand -no, internalize- the fact that quitting isn't depriving you of anything, it's giving you something.

PinotNOmore

Thank you everyone! I know anger can be a very dangerous emotion! after I posted I made it to in a meeting and ironically the topic was progress verses perfection!

For the first time I said out loud that I am an alcoholic. Scary but somewhat liberating. hearing other stories of progress was so inspirational. I feel much better than this morning, but I realize I've got a lot of work to do.

ScottFromWI

Glad to hear all of that Pinot, all very positive signs that you are moving forward. Admitting to ourselves that we have the problem is the absolute foundation of everything else, so you are well on your way once that's out there.

foolsgold66

It is serious, but it is also just a problem. Everybody has problems. They don't define us unless we let them. You simply cannot walk when you are kicking your own ass about the past. Yeah, you have to grit your teeth and be serious about changing, but you need to smile through it as much as you can.

MythOfSisyphus

Years ago I heard a comedian say the worst thing about being an atheist is feeling grateful and having no one to thank. I always found that funny but years later I think he got it wrong; the worst thing is being angry and having no one to be mad at. Anger is natural but in heavy doses it's toxic. Anger is a something we have to deal with when we have addiction problems. Anger at being addicted, anger that we can't drink normally, anger that everyone else can.

GimmeAnudder1

Pinot, let me give you a quote... "We each have within us the greatest power of all; the power of choice".

When you think about it, we cannot control what happened in the past, or what life is going to throw at us in the future. We also can't control what others may do or say. What we do have absolute control over is how we choose to react to those things. I try to live by this idea. I fail sometimes, but I succeed a lot of times.

I've always believed that there is one person and one person who will ALWAYS have your back.... and that is you. So hey, don't be too hard on yourself.Just keep plugging away at it.