Lifeisforliving

Whereas once I wanted to "fix" myself so that I could drink normally again, I've now completely surrendered to the fact that that is not going to be my journey - thank goodness!! It was such an exhausting existence. I couldn't be more relieved and shared sh!tless at the same time!!

I spent the weekend grieving my former self or the person I thought I was. You know the one, right? The casually chic and hip gal who lived life with a wine glass in her hand. Maybe you were her. Well dressed, well-groomed, "perfect" mom w/"perfect" kids, always buying the best of everything - never wanting for anything. My life seemed "perfect" on the outside and oh how I used to get off on perpetuating that myth. Now I HATE that word. Perfect. Blech!!

In reality I was secretly drinking myself into oblivion every, single night. I was never present for my children, always planning out my next drink. Rushing them off from here to there just so that I could drink in solitude "to get away from all the pressures of life." Pressures?!?! What pressures?! Please!!

No one knew or saw my struggles. The panic attacks so bad I thought I would die from a heart attack or stroke. The calling in "sick" to work but really just hungover. The times I secretly snuck away during concerts or sporting events to chug as many beers as I could instead of going to the bathroom like I told my friends and family. The amount of money I spent on booze and the lengths I went to hide it. Good grief the money spent. No one knew that this perfect mom, church-going, God-fearing, community volunteer and example that many looked up to was a drunk. No one except for me. Thankfully me knowing eventually became enough.

Now that life is gone. And I praise whatever higher power is up there or out there for that!! Today I'm ready to begin discovering the REAL me. The one that has been forgotten for the past 21 years. The one that slowly started slipping away after that first taste of California wine cooler all those years ago. Who is she? What could she have become? I want her back. And with grace, patience and all of your support and help I'm going to get her and get to know her all over again.

I'm so thankful to be here. Sober and ready to do the work it takes to keep me that way.

Dee74

sounds great Life

D

Tiptree

You post was just what I needed tonight to help me remember why I quit 80 days ago. Was feeling a little down and thinking how nice a glass of wine would be. But of course one glass would just fuel my desire for more. I would finish that glass then the bottle and probably call in sick with a hangover. So thank you for sharing and remember that You are not alone. I may be feeling that urge tonight but all in all I am so much happier sober, and I'm discovering that when I feel good and am liking myself more , good things happen. So it is really great what you are doing and just hang in there!

ZeldaFan

What a wonderful post! Thank you for sharing!

It's amazing as the months go by how I continue to change and get to know myself again. It's exciting and scary at the same time but so rewarding. When I think about how much trouble it was to drink and try to hide it I'm just relieved to have it behind me now.

Let's keep down this path to getting to know who we really are and great job on your new sober lifestyle!

Kaneda8888

Hey Life

It sounds to me as if you've had a moment of clarity. That's very healthy. Well done and go find the real you ! I am sure it will be an enthralling journey.

Best of luck and stay connected !

Lifeisforliving

And thank you, Tiptree, for reminding me that even though it can be a struggle at times, it only gets better from here.

Sobriety is my only hope (like Obi Wan ) and a catapult to bigger & better things in my life.

Lifeisforliving

Right there with you, Zelda. The charade was exhausting - I'm so relieved that it's over. I appreciate your support.

newme2day

Thanks for posting life. Your story sounds so similar to mine. I am happy to be sober now and really enjoying my kids. Rock on!

LDT

Awesome post, Lifeisforliving ......I was that gal as well. I'm coming up on a year now, and I can assure you that it does get easier. You'll love your new life. Good luck on your journey.

Zencat

Lifeisforliving, your enthusiasm for life beyond the influence of addiction in inspiring.

Thankyou for sharing your experience.

Thepatman

Sounds like a great plan! You can do this. The "surrender" part is really critical I think.
In the past I always had that litle voice saying I could go back to normal drinking.
I was sober and happy, but always waited for the perfect excuse to go back.

Lifeisforliving

It's comforting to me when I see myself in someone else's story. Thanks's for the reminder that when I get sober everyone benefits.

Lifeisforliving

I think there are many of us out here, LDT. I was in Junior League with a lot of us - misery loves company I assume.

Lifeisforliving

Surrender is the key, yes Patman. Here I am! Waving my white flag!! See me?!

alphaomega

What a beautiful and inspirational post !!! Thank you. You sound a lot like me...

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...night-lot.html

Be well.

LadyBlue0527

Excellent post Lifeisforliving! The day that I did the same and really meant it, it felt like someone had lifted a ton of bricks off of me. No more waiting, no more planning, no more remorse about what I said or did the night before. It's one of the most amazing feelings that I have ever felt.

So glad that you're here!

Lifeisforliving

Thank you so much, Alpha. This might sound strange, but your post linked above is one of my most treasured on SR. Even before you referenced it here. It should be mandatory reading for every newcomer...everyone who wonders, "Am I?"

The way you are able to take me back to every feeling, every thought, every smell I experienced while an active addict? It's terrifyingly beautiful. And I mean that in the best way possible.

Thank you so much for being here - right beside me every step of the way.

Lifeisforliving

It's an odd feeling this relief, Lady. I still find myself looking over my shoulder from time-to-time, scared I'll see that beast on my tail. Thanks to all of you here, I know I've got the tools to defeat it.

awuh1

Very nice post Lifeisforliving.

About that word ‘perfect’. I like to think of my troubles with alcohol as the imperfection. It’s like a crack in a piece of glass which has allowed something important to get in. Something which could not reach me before.

I think you’re on your way to finding it.