A to Z to get to B
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 3,359
A to Z to get to B
I feel like I am entering a new phase of my recovery. Over the past few weeks I was sabotaging my own program, subconsciously. This took the form of questioning AA by taking offense to comments from meetings then learning about other recovery programs, etc. Don't get me wrong, I believe knowledge is fantastic and challenging things is often how I get more comfortable with the answer. However, I now realize that what I was doing had a hidden agenda. The agenda was admitting I was an addict, this was pretty clear but not admitting that I was addicted to alcohol.
My bottom was not low in my opinion and this makes step 1 for me quite hard. Anyhow, last week I was almost shaken off my recovery program not by any one thing - in fact, I find when I have a difficult situation like Thanksgiving my resolve is often higher bc its like bracing for an impact. Its when out of the blue you get knocked off your feet. This happened to me and started with the 1% of my mind that maybe I am different and not an alcoholic. This questioning and what I will refer to as entail sabotaging left a crack open in my own program to blossom into a full blow obsession that I posted about.
It started with the idea of a nice glass of red wine around the fire with the christmas tree all decorated and some Harry Konick Jr playing on the sound system. Them my mind wandered to a vodka martini straight up, dry with a some olives with blue cheese. Then I started rationalizing 4 and then rationalizing adding some drugs...before I knew it my mind had rationalized jumping back on the bullet train to my persona lHell that led me here to begin with.
This is what I call going from A to Z. Many suggesting keeping things simply but I could not. For me I had to go through this process. I now know without any doubt I am an alcoholic and an addict and if I drink I know the consequences, which are not good. So I know I cannot for today, tomorrow, ever pickup a drink. It actually surprised me to lack the conscious control to feel a certain way. I ended up praying a lot (I am not religious) over the past week and this site helped too.
So today or actually last night, I start a new chapter in my recovery one that I know a bit better who I am and who I will never be.
My bottom was not low in my opinion and this makes step 1 for me quite hard. Anyhow, last week I was almost shaken off my recovery program not by any one thing - in fact, I find when I have a difficult situation like Thanksgiving my resolve is often higher bc its like bracing for an impact. Its when out of the blue you get knocked off your feet. This happened to me and started with the 1% of my mind that maybe I am different and not an alcoholic. This questioning and what I will refer to as entail sabotaging left a crack open in my own program to blossom into a full blow obsession that I posted about.
It started with the idea of a nice glass of red wine around the fire with the christmas tree all decorated and some Harry Konick Jr playing on the sound system. Them my mind wandered to a vodka martini straight up, dry with a some olives with blue cheese. Then I started rationalizing 4 and then rationalizing adding some drugs...before I knew it my mind had rationalized jumping back on the bullet train to my persona lHell that led me here to begin with.
This is what I call going from A to Z. Many suggesting keeping things simply but I could not. For me I had to go through this process. I now know without any doubt I am an alcoholic and an addict and if I drink I know the consequences, which are not good. So I know I cannot for today, tomorrow, ever pickup a drink. It actually surprised me to lack the conscious control to feel a certain way. I ended up praying a lot (I am not religious) over the past week and this site helped too.
So today or actually last night, I start a new chapter in my recovery one that I know a bit better who I am and who I will never be.
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