I hate what I do, but it is all I know.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: PA
Posts: 1
I hate what I do, but it is all I know.
There is no escape. Or it feels that way. So much so, that clarifying it as a feeling and not as a fact causes me great anxiety and discomfort, which only further feeds the idea that there is no escape.
Just a few days ago, I decided that I must seek out some outside help, different help from that which I've sought out before, i.e., therapist, family. Not any of these relationships have aided me (in ways that have yielded lasting results) with my drug habit and my abuse.
For a long time now, I have been trying to nail down a definitive reason or motivation for my incessant drug use. Years of postulating as to what this very specific reason is has left me feeling enraged and alone.
I was abused by a man who I thought was a friend, an adult, a guardian of sorts, but still, a friend. I trusted him, perhaps even loved him, in some way. As it turned out, he had ulterior motives and I did not see them. Neither did my parents. They failed to see his intentions as well. And it is with these two inept individuals that I am still living today. My feelings toward them (depending on the setting) exist in a constantly shifting range, from gratitude to pure distain.
There are things, meaning activities/investments, that I will be pursuing in the near future, but I have felt this before. This sense that I am ready to move on. But then I find myself, in just two or three steps, back in a mindset that wants, more than anything, to be eradicated.
Perhaps I should have posted on an abuse support site, but regardless, my habit is implicit in preventing me from moving on.
Please, help, someone.
Just a few days ago, I decided that I must seek out some outside help, different help from that which I've sought out before, i.e., therapist, family. Not any of these relationships have aided me (in ways that have yielded lasting results) with my drug habit and my abuse.
For a long time now, I have been trying to nail down a definitive reason or motivation for my incessant drug use. Years of postulating as to what this very specific reason is has left me feeling enraged and alone.
I was abused by a man who I thought was a friend, an adult, a guardian of sorts, but still, a friend. I trusted him, perhaps even loved him, in some way. As it turned out, he had ulterior motives and I did not see them. Neither did my parents. They failed to see his intentions as well. And it is with these two inept individuals that I am still living today. My feelings toward them (depending on the setting) exist in a constantly shifting range, from gratitude to pure distain.
There are things, meaning activities/investments, that I will be pursuing in the near future, but I have felt this before. This sense that I am ready to move on. But then I find myself, in just two or three steps, back in a mindset that wants, more than anything, to be eradicated.
Perhaps I should have posted on an abuse support site, but regardless, my habit is implicit in preventing me from moving on.
Please, help, someone.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,445
Welcome IamDecider 
I think many of us start drinking to try and cope with either physical or psychological trauma.
sometimes the roots of those traumas can be pretty deep, so I'm glad you're lookingh professional help.
My underlying reasons were different, but I found I had to address both the reasons for my drinking and the drinking itself in order to be happy again
It's not a quick process but it has definitely been rewarding for me - I hope for you too
Drinking was all I knew how to do too - but I found new better coping strategies.
Having a place to reach out was a definite advantage - I'm glad you've found us too
D
I think many of us start drinking to try and cope with either physical or psychological trauma.
sometimes the roots of those traumas can be pretty deep, so I'm glad you're lookingh professional help.
My underlying reasons were different, but I found I had to address both the reasons for my drinking and the drinking itself in order to be happy again
It's not a quick process but it has definitely been rewarding for me - I hope for you too
Drinking was all I knew how to do too - but I found new better coping strategies.
Having a place to reach out was a definite advantage - I'm glad you've found us too
D
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 1,090
Hi IamDecider. Dee makes some great observations here.
I don't know the pain of your abuse but I know the pain of mine and I can empathize with wanting to escape or eradicate the pain. Thing is, the drugs (or alcohol in my case) only ended up making things so much worse for me.
I'm sorry you're going through this but I am glad you found SR.
I don't know the pain of your abuse but I know the pain of mine and I can empathize with wanting to escape or eradicate the pain. Thing is, the drugs (or alcohol in my case) only ended up making things so much worse for me.
I'm sorry you're going through this but I am glad you found SR.
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