carcac

I would love to hear your experiences if you are living in the cocoon I am living right now.

I have a 25-year old son who is a heroin addict. We've been through a long process of recovery, mental hospital, treatment centres and at the moment he has a job. He has all sorts of debts which he is paying from his salary and we are supporting the rest.

We have a 20 year old and a 13 year old kids too and this is not the right ambient for them as sometimes he turns so violent and his words are so devilish and low.

We tell him to leave the house but he won't budge, tells us he cannot live penniless on his own. We went to the police and they told us they cannot come to correct him. We can only submit a report and we go to court. This is senseless as until this long process will finish, nobody forces him out of the house and in the meantime how are we all going to live, I cannot just imagine?

Also, in what way does the situation becomes better? He cannot improve, probably loses the job and is encouraged more to do more bad things. We cannot live under the same room with a son that we love and go to court against him and what lesson are we teaching the other kids?

In my area, it is just senseless that there are extreme choices like mental hospital, treatment centres, court, prison and nothing for transitional sober living for a person trying to straighten his life to be coached into managing the money and discourage him to keep using.

My life is in tatters and I don't want even my enemies to live a life like this!!!

Any ideas and sharing experiences would surely help me.

God Bless You All!

Raider

Your post breaks my heart. I have no experience with this so I don't have any advice. I just got out of a rehab, and they offered many sober living options. Can you google sober living for your area? These aren't prisons, you live with other men needing a place to get their feet on the ground. They are regularly urine tested, they have curfews, and chores to do. If they have one slip, they are kicked out.
At the beginning of your post, I didn't get the feeling he wanted to leave??
Someone will come along and post here who have the experience I don't have. Meanwhile I will pray for you. I'm so sorry you are living this way.

mecanix

If you go to court against your son you will be showing your other children a parent who will be respected and has firm boundaries, are you to sacrifice the happiness of these other children for the actions of one ?

You can only help someone when they are willing to help themselves, firm boundaries are sometimes needed . It doesn't mean you love them any less but it does mean you require them to love and respect you , your home and the rest of your family .

Bestwishes, m

carcac

@ Raider - thank you for your comfort - I have checked. Alas I live in an independent island there there is no transition centres like you are mentioning, if only! At this point, having a job and trying to pay his debts, he needs help to control himself actually in life and not in rehab now but alas there's no help in this around, it is such a pity! And yes, I have done everything possible but he does not want to leave - in his own way he stretches his boundaries but makes sure that we do not have anything against him that law backs me up to kick him out.

@ mecanix - well many say go to court if you are in the wrong! and most of the time it is true. Imagine parents and kid with all mixture of feelings from love to anger living under one roof and going to court against each other. I don't know at your end but here court sentences take long to start and then to end. The messages I am sending now to all my kids are that if they need help I will give them the best support for them, I have sent him for months to a mental hospital and rehabs but gave him support throughout. When I say no it is no even he gets into a tantrum, however this period yes it's no good for any of us. It is not right that there are centres for these people to help them out, it is not healthy for those living with them and also for themselves.

Thank you so much both of you for giving me support

Leana

Hi Carcac-
I sympathize and I understand to some extent. I live with an alcoholic/drug abusing adult child. We haven't been through any relapses, or resorting to kicking her out, etc as we just began this 70 days ago. We were firm from the beginning, put her in treatment and to her credit she has abided by all our rules since we found out she was using.

You are in a unique situation in that you don't have the resources where you live like we have here.

Here are 3 radical steps but considering you need to protect your other children you may have to resort to them.
1. Does he bring drugs into the house? If he does, call the police and have him arrested for possession.
2. Is there anyway that you can arrange to have the locks changed while he is gone and have his stuff packed on the front step?
3. When he gets violent call the police and have him arrested for assault or domestic violence.

I know all of these are not the best way to handle this but I think your options are limited.

least

Welcome to SR! We have a special forum here for friends and family of addicts. Take a look at it and post there if you like.


Friends and Family of Substance Abusers - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

Anna

I don't think you are giving your 20 yr old and 13 yr old the best support you can. Living in a home with violence and hateful language is not the best support for them. I think removing your addict son from your home would be the best solution for everyone, though I understand how hard it would be.

carcac

Thank you all for your lovely comments. I have done some local phone calls so I will learn all the options. He is trying so I have told him that if he begs or uses bad language or violence I will call 112 and they treat him from thereon. Alas, my life is no fantastic dream, it's like that and no use thinking about it rather make the best choices and pray for the best for all of us.

mecanix

I think you're a great mum carcac , he's lucky to have you

Bestwishes, m

carcac

I just wish to share with you what has happened. I don't know if you are acquainted with the 12 steps and the higher power. It was easy for me to accept as personally I believe in God. However, before I used to pray so things happen my way, now I know how much that was so wrong!!!!! When I hit the bottom, a small miracle always happens. This time my angel of a dog was the sacrifice to save our family. Yesterday morning we had a bitter fight and told him straight that another violent row, I call the emergency line and he'll be back to the mental hospital. He was going back to work when he came down crying with our yorkshire terrier Cora who has been living with us for 14 years. Her head was twisted and could'nt walk right. It was time for us to go to work but I made her as comfortable as possible hoping that it was only a stiff neck. But, my son who cannot control himself took leave and went home early and phoned me anxiously that something was wrong. I took leave myself and we went straight to the vet who told us that so so unfortunately she had a stroke but told us that dogs are not like humans so we can take care of her. All the family got so worried and my son took the management of our pet's medication and now he is on leave today taking care of her. It is such a great blow on us all but our angel of a dog was the miracle to get us on track again. I am writing this as I always learn my lesson, life is not what you want but how to live the life planned for you for the bigger glory. ...and the story of my life will continue... Good Day to all and God Bless