trying to figure life out
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Loomis, Ca
Posts: 1
trying to figure life out
Hi,
My 23 year marriage broke up about five years ago. My ex husband was not an alcoholic, and I had been lucky enough to not have emotional connections with any until the end of my marriage. I quickly met a man on line who was very kind, smart, funny, well-read and before you know it we were seeing each other on a regular basis. I noticed right away that he drank a lot of beer, but at the time I decided he was so great, I didn't care. He drank and continues to drink at least 12 beers a day. I haven't been happy in this relationship for three out of the four years we have been together. He was so great, wonderful, supportive and emotionally there for me the first six months. He said I was the woman of his dreams, and gave me a beautiful diamond ring four months after we met. We moved in together six months after we met. Each time he met one of my four adult children turned out badly either because he said something really critical to them or said really negative things to me about them after they left. My children all dislike him intensely and will have nothing to do with him. He quit his job so we could move closer to my children and my job and was unemployed for a year. He now works full time and is a very hard-worker. I think the people at his work really like him because he IS a great guy when he isn't drinking. I am the one who gets to see the mean, self-absorbed, emotionally withdrawn man in the evenings once he starts drinking. I don't know what is wrong with me and why I let him stay around. Lately in the evenings he is texting someone and it is driving me crazy to know who it is, but of course when I asked he told me I was a jealous b**** and to knock it off because that is what he hated about me. In fact, during the past three years, I have heard endlessly about all my faults and all my childrens' faults. I am working on things that might truly need fixing, but its funny how critical he can be of me, and yet nobody can ever say a critical thing about him. I am very lonely and dissatisfied and yet I can't seem to let go of him. I guess that there is this tiny hope that he will become the magical man who adored me so much three and a half years ago before real life and responsibility set in.
My 23 year marriage broke up about five years ago. My ex husband was not an alcoholic, and I had been lucky enough to not have emotional connections with any until the end of my marriage. I quickly met a man on line who was very kind, smart, funny, well-read and before you know it we were seeing each other on a regular basis. I noticed right away that he drank a lot of beer, but at the time I decided he was so great, I didn't care. He drank and continues to drink at least 12 beers a day. I haven't been happy in this relationship for three out of the four years we have been together. He was so great, wonderful, supportive and emotionally there for me the first six months. He said I was the woman of his dreams, and gave me a beautiful diamond ring four months after we met. We moved in together six months after we met. Each time he met one of my four adult children turned out badly either because he said something really critical to them or said really negative things to me about them after they left. My children all dislike him intensely and will have nothing to do with him. He quit his job so we could move closer to my children and my job and was unemployed for a year. He now works full time and is a very hard-worker. I think the people at his work really like him because he IS a great guy when he isn't drinking. I am the one who gets to see the mean, self-absorbed, emotionally withdrawn man in the evenings once he starts drinking. I don't know what is wrong with me and why I let him stay around. Lately in the evenings he is texting someone and it is driving me crazy to know who it is, but of course when I asked he told me I was a jealous b**** and to knock it off because that is what he hated about me. In fact, during the past three years, I have heard endlessly about all my faults and all my childrens' faults. I am working on things that might truly need fixing, but its funny how critical he can be of me, and yet nobody can ever say a critical thing about him. I am very lonely and dissatisfied and yet I can't seem to let go of him. I guess that there is this tiny hope that he will become the magical man who adored me so much three and a half years ago before real life and responsibility set in.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,787
Welcome to SR! 
You've got a lot on your plate. We have a special forum here for friends and family of alcoholics. Take a look and ask your questions there also for more insight.
It all depends on how much more of this you're willing to tolerate. Your 'tiny hope' that the wonderful man you met will return seems to be based on wishes. Take a good hard look at yourself and your life and see if you are happy in it. You have the power to change your life, no one else's, but you can change yours.
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
You've got a lot on your plate. We have a special forum here for friends and family of alcoholics. Take a look and ask your questions there also for more insight.It all depends on how much more of this you're willing to tolerate. Your 'tiny hope' that the wonderful man you met will return seems to be based on wishes. Take a good hard look at yourself and your life and see if you are happy in it. You have the power to change your life, no one else's, but you can change yours.
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Sorry for what brings you to our tiny corner of the internet.
Figure out why that is, maybe you won't have to figure out life. But either one is easier than trying to figure out an alcoholic.
You know what you need to do. Figure out how to do it.
Originally Posted by reve 
...I can't seem to let go of him.
You know what you need to do. Figure out how to do it.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,518
I'm sorry for your situation.
I have grown children and I know how incredibly important my relationship with them is. I can't imagine how painful it must be for you to live with someone who criticizes your grown children.
I hope that you think about stepping away from the verbal abuse and moving on. We are here to support you.
I have grown children and I know how incredibly important my relationship with them is. I can't imagine how painful it must be for you to live with someone who criticizes your grown children.
I hope that you think about stepping away from the verbal abuse and moving on. We are here to support you.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: North East, US
Posts: 2,310
I'm so sad for your situation 
I know how hard it is to build your footing in a one sided relationship. Sadly I have no advise but to tell you that you are worth so much more then you are receiving! Cyber hug 
keeping you in my prayers!
Welcome to SR! Check out the friends and family section
I know how hard it is to build your footing in a one sided relationship. Sadly I have no advise but to tell you that you are worth so much more then you are receiving! Cyber hug keeping you in my prayers!Welcome to SR! Check out the friends and family section
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