Recalling the Insanity
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Washington, DC
Posts: 987
Recalling the Insanity
Hi All, and greetings from a small West African country where I spend a lot of my life when I am not in DC or Philly.
A few things dawned on me today while I was having lunch that I thought I'd share here with my SR family.
First, when I sat down one of the waiters, who has known me for the entire two years I have worked here, tentatively asked me if I wanted my usual beer with lunch. He was tentative because the last time I was here (in April), I was also not drinking but I think he, and probably everyone else who has known me, thought that was just some fluke because no one had ever known me NOT to drink through my entire time here. When I said "no," he looked relieved, naturally prompting me to think, "My God, I wonder what he has seen of me that I don't even remember.." then, "My God, I am SO GLAD that I am not making those memories, or lack thereof for myself, anymore."
The other thing I realized was that it was really here, or while packing to come here, that I finally acknowledged the full insanity of my addiction about a year ago. Since I normally do not stay in the relatively safe (and well-stocked) capital, I was preparing for trip out to the bush. I remember looking at my bed and the dozen or so boxes of wine I was about to pack and wondering if it would be enough to get me through the six days of being in places without booze. Not enough, I eventually decided, and started pouring vodka into empty shampoo and mouthwash bottles. I was also contemplating how much I was going to need to bribe the customs officers to let me bring the wine boxes into the country...they'd been jacking the prices up of late. Probably, rightly, seeing how desperate I truly was.
It struck me then that, holy sh!t, I was obsessing on this and not paying a damn bit of attention to my upcoming work assignment, my safety, the safety of the team of ex-pats and locals I am ultimately responsible for, or really anything else except my addiction. I was taking protective and safety gear OUT of my luggage to make room for the wine. Flak jacket? Pffft. Wine made me bulletproof, did it not? I wouldn't take my anti-malaria medicine because it interacted badly with the wine and upset my stomach. Antibiotics? Sunscreen? Bug spray? Mosquito nets? Bandages? Nah, not when that space could be used for wine.
Of course, although it struck me then, I did nothing about it. I packed those dozen wine boxes and the disguised bottles of vodka and left all the other crap; i.e. the stuff that would actually save my life and the lives of others in an emergency, sitting on the bed at my house.
By the grace of God, the Universe, Buddha, Allah, or whatever higher power was watching over my dumb, addicted a$$ all those trips, my negligence never ended up hurting others. Or myself, at least not as badly as it could have.
I seemed to have escaped with just having made the lasting impression of yet another drunk, obnoxious ex-patriot in a former war zone.
At least THAT is an image and a reputation I can change. Thank goodness I have the opportunity.
Thanks for reading/listening all.
A few things dawned on me today while I was having lunch that I thought I'd share here with my SR family.
First, when I sat down one of the waiters, who has known me for the entire two years I have worked here, tentatively asked me if I wanted my usual beer with lunch. He was tentative because the last time I was here (in April), I was also not drinking but I think he, and probably everyone else who has known me, thought that was just some fluke because no one had ever known me NOT to drink through my entire time here. When I said "no," he looked relieved, naturally prompting me to think, "My God, I wonder what he has seen of me that I don't even remember.." then, "My God, I am SO GLAD that I am not making those memories, or lack thereof for myself, anymore."
The other thing I realized was that it was really here, or while packing to come here, that I finally acknowledged the full insanity of my addiction about a year ago. Since I normally do not stay in the relatively safe (and well-stocked) capital, I was preparing for trip out to the bush. I remember looking at my bed and the dozen or so boxes of wine I was about to pack and wondering if it would be enough to get me through the six days of being in places without booze. Not enough, I eventually decided, and started pouring vodka into empty shampoo and mouthwash bottles. I was also contemplating how much I was going to need to bribe the customs officers to let me bring the wine boxes into the country...they'd been jacking the prices up of late. Probably, rightly, seeing how desperate I truly was.
It struck me then that, holy sh!t, I was obsessing on this and not paying a damn bit of attention to my upcoming work assignment, my safety, the safety of the team of ex-pats and locals I am ultimately responsible for, or really anything else except my addiction. I was taking protective and safety gear OUT of my luggage to make room for the wine. Flak jacket? Pffft. Wine made me bulletproof, did it not? I wouldn't take my anti-malaria medicine because it interacted badly with the wine and upset my stomach. Antibiotics? Sunscreen? Bug spray? Mosquito nets? Bandages? Nah, not when that space could be used for wine.
Of course, although it struck me then, I did nothing about it. I packed those dozen wine boxes and the disguised bottles of vodka and left all the other crap; i.e. the stuff that would actually save my life and the lives of others in an emergency, sitting on the bed at my house.
By the grace of God, the Universe, Buddha, Allah, or whatever higher power was watching over my dumb, addicted a$$ all those trips, my negligence never ended up hurting others. Or myself, at least not as badly as it could have.
I seemed to have escaped with just having made the lasting impression of yet another drunk, obnoxious ex-patriot in a former war zone.
At least THAT is an image and a reputation I can change. Thank goodness I have the opportunity.
Thanks for reading/listening all.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: ohio
Posts: 3,615
Wow, nice post!! It is sometimes awkward and nice at the same time when you go back to an old haunt sober and surprise them.
I hope you have a very safe trip this time around. Who knows what the hp protected you from before, but glad you were protected! This time you will have your wits about you.
Once a person under my care/supervision had a massive stroke in front of me. I AMA forever grateful that it was after I sobered up. The docs said later that any delay in the person' treatment could have cost a life. If I'd been hungover, would I have caught it that fast? Doubtful.
Safe travels, pt and glad you will enjoy your sobriety as well as lighter baggage!
I hope you have a very safe trip this time around. Who knows what the hp protected you from before, but glad you were protected! This time you will have your wits about you.
Once a person under my care/supervision had a massive stroke in front of me. I AMA forever grateful that it was after I sobered up. The docs said later that any delay in the person' treatment could have cost a life. If I'd been hungover, would I have caught it that fast? Doubtful.
Safe travels, pt and glad you will enjoy your sobriety as well as lighter baggage!
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