"The beast" won yesterday.... I'm winning today.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: State of Acceptance
Posts: 756
Originally Posted by alphaomega 
I feel you ACH. My take on this won't be well received. I'm ok with that.
Relapse, for me, was most definitely a part of my sobriety journey. I wish to hell it wasn't, and I'm damn glad I came out on the other side. This sh!t can kill you. Fast and hard. And by the grace of some force I still am not sure how to label, I'm free of cravings at the moment. And that is a blessing that I can't quite quantify. But.......
When I first started to realize that I needed help a few years ago, I went to AA. I was white knuckling so bad through that 85 days I could barely function. All I thought about, constantly was drinking. With a vengeance that was unprecedented.
The next time I tried to get sober, I would say the cravings were about half as bad. With knowledge, comes power. And I realized that I was starting to really like my sober days. Just not enough as my wasted ones. So I vascillated back and forth for a while.
Then came the realization that I no longer had hangovers but straight up withdrawals. Another "AH HA" moment for me. Prior to that, I thought I just liked to party and couldn't handle it quite a good as I did in my youth.
But like my passion for wearing MC hammer pants, that ship had sailed. Another enlightenment.
My last little jaunt into chemical oblivion almost killed me. Apparently I hadn't gotten the memo that alcohol actually MAKES YOU DEPRESSED AND ANXIOUS. And all of a sudden, it dawned on me, "Hey. Num nuts. The world ain't kicking your ass. You are !" And, all of a sudden, it was like a thousand suns descended on me and SHWA BAM, I finally, FINALLY, FINALLY FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS FLAKING HOLY, understood.
I guess we are slow learners. Or maybe I was in profound denial, or hadn't suffered enough, or wasn't ill, or sad, or anxious enough. Yet.
If you got 97 days under your belt, you know damn well how freaking awesome it is on the other side.
And you reminded yourself how it feels to be poisoned. At your own hand. And that you NEVER, EVER, EVER, EVER have to feel this way again.
Welcome home.
Relapse, for me, was most definitely a part of my sobriety journey. I wish to hell it wasn't, and I'm damn glad I came out on the other side. This sh!t can kill you. Fast and hard. And by the grace of some force I still am not sure how to label, I'm free of cravings at the moment. And that is a blessing that I can't quite quantify. But.......
When I first started to realize that I needed help a few years ago, I went to AA. I was white knuckling so bad through that 85 days I could barely function. All I thought about, constantly was drinking. With a vengeance that was unprecedented.
The next time I tried to get sober, I would say the cravings were about half as bad. With knowledge, comes power. And I realized that I was starting to really like my sober days. Just not enough as my wasted ones. So I vascillated back and forth for a while.
Then came the realization that I no longer had hangovers but straight up withdrawals. Another "AH HA" moment for me. Prior to that, I thought I just liked to party and couldn't handle it quite a good as I did in my youth.
But like my passion for wearing MC hammer pants, that ship had sailed. Another enlightenment.
My last little jaunt into chemical oblivion almost killed me. Apparently I hadn't gotten the memo that alcohol actually MAKES YOU DEPRESSED AND ANXIOUS. And all of a sudden, it dawned on me, "Hey. Num nuts. The world ain't kicking your ass. You are !" And, all of a sudden, it was like a thousand suns descended on me and SHWA BAM, I finally, FINALLY, FINALLY FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS FLAKING HOLY, understood.
I guess we are slow learners. Or maybe I was in profound denial, or hadn't suffered enough, or wasn't ill, or sad, or anxious enough. Yet.
If you got 97 days under your belt, you know damn well how freaking awesome it is on the other side.
And you reminded yourself how it feels to be poisoned. At your own hand. And that you NEVER, EVER, EVER, EVER have to feel this way again.
Welcome home.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Northeast, US
Posts: 1,052
Originally Posted by EndGameNYC
Well said. It seems that lately many folks are commenting that relapse is a part of recovery, and that when we do relapse, we just pick up and move on as though nothing happened. This is a very dangerous game.
Instead of using the euphemism 'relapse', I prefer to describe it for what it is.
I wanted to drink, so I drank. Is there another explanation that makes sense to me? No. I gave into my cravings because I allowed my irrational, untreated alcoholic thinking to convince me that it will be okay to have one or two drinks, to take a sobriety holiday, to calm my nerves...Knowing that in the past, my drinking destroyed everything good in my life. Unsound thinking cannot help fix unsound thinking.
I don't mean this to be critical, but a relapse isn't a hall pass, or a "Get out of jail free" card. "Oh well...That wasn't so bad. I guess I can do this every now and again." When we move on from a relapse without reflecting on what got us there in the first place, and then don't take the appropriate actions to defend ourselves against future relapse events, then we are doomed to repeat our mistakes.
Instead of using the euphemism 'relapse', I prefer to describe it for what it is.
I wanted to drink, so I drank. Is there another explanation that makes sense to me? No. I gave into my cravings because I allowed my irrational, untreated alcoholic thinking to convince me that it will be okay to have one or two drinks, to take a sobriety holiday, to calm my nerves...Knowing that in the past, my drinking destroyed everything good in my life. Unsound thinking cannot help fix unsound thinking.
I don't mean this to be critical, but a relapse isn't a hall pass, or a "Get out of jail free" card. "Oh well...That wasn't so bad. I guess I can do this every now and again." When we move on from a relapse without reflecting on what got us there in the first place, and then don't take the appropriate actions to defend ourselves against future relapse events, then we are doomed to repeat our mistakes.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Omaha, Nebraska
Posts: 196
Originally Posted by Mags1
also mad with myself that I can't be like other people and drink 'Sensibly?' as I do not know when to stop drinking until I flake out.:
Mags I was thinking about what you wrote about other peoples ability to drink sensibly. I had the same feeling until I really started to look at the people I know that drink. The vast majority drink too much, they just don't see it and it doesn't seem to bother them. I know many people that have DUI's and drink until drunk at least once or twice a week with occational weeknights thrown in. I think they have a problem or are well on their way... The others, like my wife will drink 1 or two drinks on occation maybe 4 or 5 times a year. That's sensible. But, I bet if you could snap your fingers and all alcohol just disapeared forever, they wouldn't care. So...sobriety is really sensible, because those that drink sensibley prefer it to intoxication. That's my looney rational anyway.
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