FeenixxRising

Thanks for your post Courage2. I'm having a very similar issue with AA. Good lord, the platitudes and clichés make me crazy. If one more AA member tells me "I'm too smart for my own good", I may break out into a screaming fit. I have a hard time interacting with people who talk in slogans and clichés instead of actually thinking.

However, like you, AA has helped me with my early sobriety; and there are some great people in the meetings. But I'm having a hard time accepting that I need "to turn my will and my life over to the care of God".

So I'm at a crossroad.

I wish I could give you some solid advice, but since I'm also in AA limbo, I can't. But #2 may not be a bad choice.

wiscsober

For myself, and I've done this, I thought of what needs changing in AA/NA/Alanon instead of what needs changing in me.

Hell I was so arrogant as to modify the steps to my liking.

Today I ask myself what can I bring to the table...
how can I help other alcoholics....
instead of how I am to be understood...or what I want.

I must ask myself....why quit something that is working?

LadyBlue0527

Whatever your path is two things are pretty consistent.

You have to do whatever it is that helps you maintain sobriety and to be happy about it so that life is worth living.

Whatever you decide it must be based on absolute honesty with yourself.

ReadyAtLast

This is one of the best things I have ever read on SR.

Quinne

I've had a couple of occasions where i've "cracked it" over drunkalogues, the language, etc.

Are there other meetings you can attend that are different formats? Discussion groups, big book studies, step studies, etc? I know it helps me keep moving when i've hit a stale spot

I was on step 4/5 for 4-5 months, due to the fashion/frequency my sponsor and I worked through them. I had extreme anger, grief and numbness, but upon finishing step 5, I could see the world more clearly, felt more connected with my HP and others, etc. It felt incredible

Could you perhaps run the feelings you're experiencing by your sponsor and a couple of other members before making a decision?

Xx

BackToSquareOne

Why can't you take a vacation from it for a while and see how you do. You may miss it and want to go back or decide it's just not your cup of tea. No real right or wrong to either decision.

courage2

I really appreciate everyone's replies. And that this thread didn’t degenerate into a feud. I know enough about my AV’s tricks that I’m not making any moves without talking to other people in the program and outside, in SR and in the nonvirtual world.

A few specific comments: For those who said to keep working the steps, I’m trying. Honestly, I am. My sponsor wants me to be “thorough”. She was an English teacher

For those who suggest different meetings/different formats, I’ve been to meetings of 15 different groups that I can think of offhand, most of them multiple times. I have a home group and like it, and I’ve been to beginners, open, closed, women’s & step meetings. I’ve been to meetings in San Francisco. I’m being really strategic about meetings lately, but it’s not the meetings –and it’s not the people. It’s the program.

RAL asked Honestly, I don’t know. If I didn’t worry that might be true, I’d stop going in a heartbeat.

RAL also says: "as though you want to stop AA but have perhaps been told/ingrained into you that if you stop going you WILL relapse. This is not necessarily the case." (Thanks for the vote of confidence, RAL)

AA Limbo should be a new nightclub – a lot of us can hang out there and not drink!

ReadyAtLast

I have every confidence in you courage. You have done, and are still doing, so well in not drinking. You have come such a long way. Maybe look at your posts from several months ago when every day you thought about drinking.But you didn't drink.

You have come so far and, despite your thread, I do believe you are in a much much better place than you once were even 3 months ago. It is easy to forget how bad we once were. Have confidence in YOU that you will not drink

Razorback

Courage, you might look into SMART Recovery (smartrecovery.org). I'm not sure whether you're in NYC or SF, but there are meetings every day in both cities. You can keep up your AA schedule and just check it out. In fact, a lot of people I've met in SMART do both AA and SMART, especially since there are so many more AA meetings. In addition, AA includes your own sponsor, while SMART (which has a trained facilitator at each meeting) does not...although you can certainly pair up with someone you met at a meeting.

SMART (Self Management Addiction Recovery Training) is a free, abstinence-based, non-12 step program revolving around Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. Its philosophy is accepting of AA -- there seems to occasionally be a misunderstanding or skepticism about that -- or anything else that can help a member. The focus is on getting better by using whatever works. I know several people who regularly attend AA but get extra help at SMART by working through the organization's extensive workbook of psychological exercises.

I know so many people, including my brother, whom AA has helped. But SMART is just a better fit for me. However, I do attend one AA meeting every once in awhile that's specifically for professional musicians, of which I'm one.

There are some other secular programs, including:
Women for Sobriety
SOS (Secular Organization for Sobriety)
Lifering

And some online options:

cryingoutnow.com

And you could supplement everything by searching iTunes for podcasts to download, like The Bubble Hour. There are also meditations and guided hypnosis podcasts in 12-step and non-12-step flavors. I find listening to podcasts as I'm falling asleep or exercising gives an extra layer of support.

At least in LA, there are a few intensive outpatient programs -- UCLA's "Matrix" is popular and is 12-step, I think.

jdooner

Courage2 - I do therapy once a week and AA 2x per week and then 1x with my sponsor we are going through the book. It was the therapy side and looking at my childhood and why I developed the way that I did that caused my miracle to happen. So while I like AA and am grateful for what it is given me, sometimes another perspective can be very useful - sort of like loosing something and then someone else looks and says its right in front of you - just need another sets of eyes.

Good luck.

MarcLacroix

As it is with many things in life, Recovery does require effort.
It is well worth it though.
Do it and find out for yourself... Go Boldly

Marc

littlefish

Well I use AA because it's the most available program where I'm at. I think there's a smart meeting somewhere, or a Rational, but AA is close, convenient and I am not bothered by the rhetoric or it being faith based.
But, I also don't think that AA is for everyone. You've been in AA a good while, and if you still don't feel comfortable, why not try something else? As someone else pointed out, you are in a location where there are probably plenty of AA alternatives.
I have used various programs simultaneously: an outpatient program, and an addictions therapist while in AA. It was all good.

courage2

Again, wow! Thanks for the suggestions for resources. I don't know if it's PAWS or if I'm just stupid, but I get myself in these mental mazes and can't think straight. You people have helped me a lot to realize that there are other options and I don't have to follow a particular program.

Once again the folks on SR save my sanity!