andiamo

Well my husband just got done at least partialy confronting me..I can barly see my eyes are so swelled up right now! Just so you all know this is a first for him at least in me he hasn't heard ill get better over and over again this is the first time. But his family has delt with this so much this is a MAJOR issue for him. He told me you knew how I felt about this, how much I despise this. How could you not come to me and tell me before it got out of hand. When something could have been done about it. How could you not tell me for 3 years, you lied to me you hid it from me. everyone told me you had a problem and I told them no she dosn't. Now you expect me to look those same people in the face knowing I look like a gulable idiot. your the last person I expected it from.. do I even know who you are...what parts were the real you and what wasn't. Im so Pi**ed at you, you make me sick. I did not sign on for this and now Im supposed to change my whole life?! How am I ever supposed to trust a word you say.

anyways alot more of that alot more! and ending in I don't know if I can do this. I don't know what to do you totally F** everything up.

and alot more of I don't know I just don't know.

Anyways he had to leave and there will be more to come later tonight any advice? wow Im feeling sooo miserable right now I don't know what to do what to say....Help!

dotcom

hey andiamo,

im sorry for the pain you are going through. theres no words that can really comfort you right now im sure. sometimes we have to just take responsibility for our crap and begin heading in the right direction ... soon our actions begin saying the things we cannot get accross.

hugs,

dot

Chy

Well he really did make it about him now didn't he? Nuf said!

Chy

Okay sorry, that was tacky. But it really pisses me off when people guilt and shame us when we're already at the bottom like road kill. Kick me more when I'm down syndrome.

Sure he may be upset, and perhaps he feel's justified in his harsh words. We do a lot of harm either knowingly or not in our relationships, he's in shock now, but he's going to have to understand this type of reaction is not helping, and perhaps he can vent his frustration in an Al-Anon meeting. Let him cool off and nudge him towards reading either or both: "Under the Influence" and The Big Book for Alcoholics Anonymous, perhaps he'll better understand. If he comes from a family where this disease is prevelant, perhaps he needs to consider a source of recovery for him to. But that, he has to decide for himself. In the meantime, you did the right thing, dont' regret it. Move on, work on you, find support in your area.

Silverback

Andiamo

I am so sorry for your pain--and I am so happy you are here and sharing it with others. I have to say I cant tell you what will make it better---I can tell you what will make it worse---so just dont use---OK
Just keep coming back and keep talking, You can do it!!

Peace and Hope

KelKel

Andiamo
Sorry you are hurting right now. You just need to take baby steps and remember to put you and your sobriety first.
Hopefully your husband will be more reasonable after he has had some time to cool down and think things over. Just go slow and try to stay in the moment,
you have taken a huge step towards recovery and are fragile right now, you need support.

Keep posting and sharing, we are here for you...

Gabe

Hey andiamo,
I'm an Anon and I lived on the other side of this fence.
I said some pretty angry and ugly things to my ex when I realized that he was dabbling in his addiction again.
When I did that, I wasn't thinking about what a struggle he was going through and how hard things were for him. All I could think about was how his problem was affecting me.
Selfish? You bet.
Insensitive, oh yeah.
But as much as he was locked up in his addiction problem, I was locked up in my reaction to it. And I felt like everything he had done was intentional and to hurt me and our kids.
I wasn't understanding that it was the disease that had come between us.
Your husband is feeling mad and hurt and betrayed.
You're feeling lost and like you need to be understood.
I hope you two can somehow break down the walls that this disease builds and come to an understanding about where to go from here.
Sending some light your way,
Gabe

Anna

Hi Andi,

Omigod, I'm so sorry for what you've had to go through. And, he really did make it about himself didn't he? I know how absolutely miserable you feel. I remember that so well, it's so hard to deal with so much on top of what you're already going through. There were times when I wondered if my husband would ever be able to trust me again. It seems that the lies about drinking become lies about everything. But, it worked out and I think it will for you too. It takes time and there's no way around that. Right now, your husband feels betrayed and confused, but I think once he settles down, he'll be supportive. Especially when he sees how hard you are trying. Try to keep communicating with him and try to focus on not drinking. Keep posting and let us know how you're doing.

Love, Anna

saltH20

looks like we're in similar boats. read my thread, i almost lost cuz of this kind of touph love. it just doesn't sit well w/ me.
hang in there.

mackat

andi
i'm mack- an alcoholic
i have 8 years of sobriety- all because of AA [my way, not th only way, i've heard]
i will post to you what i posted to salth-
number one: do you have aproblem w/ booze?
#2: if so what are YOU doing about it?
#3: does not matter diddley what a good guy i figured i was. the world- ALL of 'em, rightfully judged me by what my actions were...
#4: many of us [me] drank until there was absolutely no hope of salvaging our relationships. that was part of me reaching my bottom. you do not HAVE to do that.
mackat

2dayzmuse

Words of wisdom well spoken!!!!


Talia

Little Missy

Great comments everyone!

Hugs,
Missy

Dan

Yep. It's what I've experienced too. By the time my wife was done with me, I was ready to crawl back in the gutter. I'm so grateful I was able to shovel what was left of me off the floor and go to a meeting. There, I found people that were willing to love me while I learned to love myself again. I found a recovery program in AA, and a way to live a complete life. I don't crawl anymore, for anyone. I have made amends to my wife and family by living sober. Living amends. She and I have both accepted that there are some things that wil never be changed. She has also sought the help of other women in Al-Anon. She is working a program for life too. We do the best we can, one day at a time, to deal with the wounds we have inflicted on eachother. I hope the same comes to pass for you.

sherbear5104

Don't beat yourself up, you have enough pain to deal with. I'm sorry to hear he was so mean, but Gabe said, he feels angry betrayed and hurt. Hopefully, he will cool off and you two can work it out. Like Dan said, when we get sober, we become a lioving amends for the hurt we've caused. I hope you have a better day today.

Sherry

andiamo

Sorry I didn't get back sooner Iv'e been quite an emotional wreck! I started reading then crying had to walk away..anyways Ive been trying to scrape the pieces of myself off the ground all day. I knew I would have to deal with the damage. It was just hard and like Chy said I felt like he was kicking a dead horse. I swear I just wanted to crawl in a hole and die. Im so emotionally draind right now. after he left I got the oh I need a drink feeling something to numb the pain..but not a drop!! I was really hoping he could see my side of it. When he asked me what do you want me to do, what I really wanted to say was stand by my side support me I need you. I know at this point he would have just laughed. In his eyes Im a lying decitful b**ch (his words) who he can never trust again. that hurt in part cuz I know I did wrong but this has never happed before its not like ive promised over and over again this is a first. I know he feels betrayed and confused and I feel the the most terrible person in the world for doing something so hurtful and cruel and idiotic. I question myself how could I have done this. I know part of his not being able to understand is due to the fact that his sister has been with a guy for 17 years who has promised over and over to no avail and that is who he chose to confide in. him and her said something about getting rid of him and me and they had a good laugh about it. I dont know Im just miserable right now. Im trying to take steps for him to see Im working and for him to trust again. I cleaned out the "drinking" area really good today so he dosn't have to walk in that room and see hurt but maybe he'll see a fresh start. Thank you for all your support God know's I need it now! Ill keep you updated ! STILL SOBER !

KelKel

Congratulations on staying sober Andiamo...
That was a a tough test, and you did it.
Thank you for sharing and please don't forget that we are here for you.
Have you thought about a recovery group?
Look forward to hearing how you are doing,no matter what.

minnie

Hon, have you told him all of this? I am the girlfriend of an alcoholic and one of the biggest battles I've had to face is the fact that he could not bring himself to even think about the damage that he'd done, let alone acknowledge it to me. All I wanted was some emotional honesty. I needed to know that he was truly sorry for the lies and the deceit. Also, it was only when he looked me in the eye and said "stand by my side, support me, I need you", that I really knew he was serious this time. Try it. What have you got to lose?

I've been where he is and I know just how difficult it is for both of you. Please be honest with him even if it hurts. If you can't bring yourself to do it face to face, then write him a letter.

Have you had a read through some of the posts on the Al-Anon forum? It might help you to understand where he's coming from.

Hang in there. Well done for not drinking. And keep coming back here.

Hugs and kisses

Minnie

larry g

ANDIAMO-----
Tough spot you are in...........
As someone who has bumped along both sides of the recovery fence, allow me to say two things:
Number one----please think of yourself first for today. Don't drink or use for YOU. Sobriety is most important for YOU..... Addiction, sadly, is progressive. It will not get better for YOU unless YOU take matters into your own hands. Keep coming back here. Find people like you in search of change in their lives. Recovery is a bit softer when we are not alone. There are many, many of us in just the spot you're in.
Let him/them worry about their own recovery.
You might leave some Al-anon literature around and allow him to make his choices.


Number two----stay sober for you!!!!! BUT, remember him.... He may get angry. Perhaps even rightly so. If he does, you don't have to participate. Also, YOU DO NOT HAVE TO DRINK OR USE "AT HIM OR HIS ANGER"
YET.... try to understand and allow him to have his feelings and fears.... Just my thoughts from someone who cares about you and your sobriety, and also who is an alcoholic and an Al-anon---- I would say (personal feelings), it is much harder to watch someone you love killing themselves than it is to kill your own self.....
Please be gentle with yourself----try to understand where he is coming from----let him choose his own recovery or not----
First and foremost, SAVE YOUR OWN A$$!!!!!
You are important to us!!!!
Your experience, strength, and hope are tools I use in my recovery----both sides.
larry
GOOD JOB FOR TODAY...CONGRATS!!!!!!!

Suckerpunched

ANDIAMO-I know exactly how you feel, I was there just last Friday with my Hubby! The difference between me and you is I have apologized over and over, repeated, apologized over and over, etc..... Each time I screw up I let my hubby down just a little bit more! Be very careful at this point! Don't make the same mistakes I have made in the past and am still desperately trying to not make ever again! Sure, I managed to stay sober for a few days at a time "prooving to my husband I don't have a problem" as the sober days go on, my husband forgives me and the trust starts to rebuild but then something happens, too much confidence I guess, I start sneaking drinks again, in my head I think I can handle it, what generally happens is that I go way overboard and obviously he sees it, how can he not when I'm passing out or acting the way a drunk acts! I again apologize, feel like scum of the earth for the next several days, beat myself up over and over, and for what????
I screwed up bad last week, stayed sober all week, Friday night came and I rationalized that I was "good" all week, a few beers won't hurt! After a couple I had an urge to drive to the liquor store to get something with a "kick". I lied to my husband, told him I needed to take a drive to wind down. I drove to the store and purchased a cheap bottle of Vodka, pulled over and drank nearly half the bottle before returning home! I have never done this before and God willing, I never will again! My hubby smelled it on my breath and went in search of the flask! He found it too! Surprisingly he didn't beat me up with harsh words the next morning like he normally does, instead he said "You're gonna do what you're gonna do" I can't scare it out of you, beat it out of you, rationalize it out of you, it's up to you now! I just have to decide if I can put up with your drinking or not!
Things have been ok since, but I notice little signs of my husband smelling my breath, analyzing my actions in the evenings to determine if I have snuck a drink, etc... This is my own doing, I can't really blame him, I've lied to him so many times in the past that he still doesn't fully trust me! I accept that and own it! Last night he made a statement to me "the proof is in the actions" and he's right! It's going to take ALOT of time to rebuild his trust, so please don't make the same mistakes I've made! If you are going to drink, drink, in front of him don't hide or sneak, it can be a marriage breaker!

Dan

Yes, and yes again! Great insight.