Thank God I NEVER have to drink again
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 4,580
Well hello Tracy without an "e"...I am Tracey with an "e" lol. I remember years ago returning to a club I had been too before, the bartender said "well hello Tracey with an "e"! I was like "huh..how you know my name, and so specifically to boot?". Ya, that's the way I had introduced myself to him on a previous visit..which I had absolutely NO recollection of. Lovely. I digress....
I remember that mindshift...and ah, what a relief. I couldn't believe I had ingested troughs of poison in lieu of just freakin' dealing..ya know? That shift carried me through for a good long bout in sobriety.
Your post is timely as I have been fighting some craves of late and I believe it was just yesterday that I thought to myself "hey where did your fear of poison go anyway??".
A glass of wine chased me all damn day yesterday...like a yappy dog nipping at my heels. At one point I had myself convinced that I was going to go get me one as soon as I left work. On the drive home..this is the train of thought that helped me out at lot.
"Well, you have the God given right to choose to drink right now. You are free to make that choice. Do not think you can't because you have permission. You can go have a drink right now. Is that the choice you want to make right now? You could also go home and have a cup of that lovely Kava tea and watch some bad television."
I chose the latter. For me, I actually found relief in my right to choose. I literally felt myself decompress.
Right now..at almost 5 months I have to embrace uncertainty with my sobriety as my footing has been a bit weak lately. I know I have the right to choose but a good life is built on good choices. That's my motto of late : )
I remember that mindshift...and ah, what a relief. I couldn't believe I had ingested troughs of poison in lieu of just freakin' dealing..ya know? That shift carried me through for a good long bout in sobriety.
Your post is timely as I have been fighting some craves of late and I believe it was just yesterday that I thought to myself "hey where did your fear of poison go anyway??".
A glass of wine chased me all damn day yesterday...like a yappy dog nipping at my heels. At one point I had myself convinced that I was going to go get me one as soon as I left work. On the drive home..this is the train of thought that helped me out at lot.
"Well, you have the God given right to choose to drink right now. You are free to make that choice. Do not think you can't because you have permission. You can go have a drink right now. Is that the choice you want to make right now? You could also go home and have a cup of that lovely Kava tea and watch some bad television."
I chose the latter. For me, I actually found relief in my right to choose. I literally felt myself decompress.
Right now..at almost 5 months I have to embrace uncertainty with my sobriety as my footing has been a bit weak lately. I know I have the right to choose but a good life is built on good choices. That's my motto of late : )
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Christchurch
Posts: 451
Hi Tracy,
My name is Pippa and I am an alcoholic
I crossed that chemical line after 20 years of heavy drinking. Went out for drinks and had about 3 glasses of wine. It ended with me being treated for withdrawal at work ( I am a nurse). No one knew, they do now. I love your posts they help me.
My name is Pippa and I am an alcoholic
I crossed that chemical line after 20 years of heavy drinking. Went out for drinks and had about 3 glasses of wine. It ended with me being treated for withdrawal at work ( I am a nurse). No one knew, they do now. I love your posts they help me.
quat
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: terra (mostly)firma
Posts: 4,823
I like that train of tought
"Badges?!.. badges?.. we don't need no stinkin badges"
Sometimes our thinking can be focused on the permission and then making a decision based on either acquiring or not the 'permission'. When really everyone at everytime has the right, the permission, it's actually not an issue. But if you focus on it as if it were, there seems to be two choices one to do something to get it or act self-justifiably and say eff it .
When really the only two choices are to either drink or not, there is no permission needed, stay focused on the only real choices, the permission aspect is just a dodge, mental gymnastics thatends in choosing drinking.
"Badges?!.. badges?.. we don't need no stinkin badges"
Sometimes our thinking can be focused on the permission and then making a decision based on either acquiring or not the 'permission'. When really everyone at everytime has the right, the permission, it's actually not an issue. But if you focus on it as if it were, there seems to be two choices one to do something to get it or act self-justifiably and say eff it .
When really the only two choices are to either drink or not, there is no permission needed, stay focused on the only real choices, the permission aspect is just a dodge, mental gymnastics thatends in choosing drinking.
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 4,580
Originally Posted by dwtbd 
there is no permission needed, stay focused on the only real choices, the permission aspect is just a dodge, mental gymnastics thatends in choosing drinking.
I give myself permission to have a lousy time at a social event if I have to or permission to be cranky about doing housework I don't want to do.
It's about the feelings rather than choices. For me I am "allowed" to feel any way I want about a choice. It's the freedom of choice I need to maintain for me. But that's just me. Call it mental gymnastics or dodging..(which is kinda judgey dude). I call it my choice : )
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Washington, DC
Posts: 987
AO (((Tracy))), awesome post per usual.
Yes, when I finally resigned myself to the fact that I can never, ever drink again, it was like a stone being taken off of my back. I also had a hard time with the "Never? Never, ever, never?" thing. But just mentally making it an impossibility helped. I also have been dogged since right before I quit with an overwhelming feeling that my next time is going to be my last in some form or another. I know that sounds hokey but I don't mess with intuition. I don't know whether it means my demise or the demise of someone else but that awful sense of foreboding is usually enough to scare me silly.
It's poison, plain and simple. Poison to our bodies, minds, and, maybe most importantly, poison to our souls.
Love ya lots, Tracy (and of course also tickled to find out that one of my other very favorite people here---Nuu--- is named Tracey too...with an "e"
so it all makes sense in some weird cosmic sort of way...)
Thanks as always for your posts,
Patricia
Yes, when I finally resigned myself to the fact that I can never, ever drink again, it was like a stone being taken off of my back. I also had a hard time with the "Never? Never, ever, never?" thing. But just mentally making it an impossibility helped. I also have been dogged since right before I quit with an overwhelming feeling that my next time is going to be my last in some form or another. I know that sounds hokey but I don't mess with intuition. I don't know whether it means my demise or the demise of someone else but that awful sense of foreboding is usually enough to scare me silly.
It's poison, plain and simple. Poison to our bodies, minds, and, maybe most importantly, poison to our souls.
Love ya lots, Tracy (and of course also tickled to find out that one of my other very favorite people here---Nuu--- is named Tracey too...with an "e"
so it all makes sense in some weird cosmic sort of way...)Thanks as always for your posts,
Patricia
Its a cold and its a broken hallelujah.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 2,887
Pain is a profound motivator.
So is fear.
I used to be afraid of what my life would look like if I couldn't do it with the perceived release of a drink.
Now that I know what I know, the thought of drinking through ANYTHING elicits the response of...
Good God, why would I purposely make myself ill and have any realistic conception as to how that might benefit me in any way, shape or form ?
How about this. How about next time I have a dilemma and I think that throwing my body and brain for a loop will help, how about I go lick a shopping cart and see how well that works ?
So is fear.
I used to be afraid of what my life would look like if I couldn't do it with the perceived release of a drink.
Now that I know what I know, the thought of drinking through ANYTHING elicits the response of...
Good God, why would I purposely make myself ill and have any realistic conception as to how that might benefit me in any way, shape or form ?
How about this. How about next time I have a dilemma and I think that throwing my body and brain for a loop will help, how about I go lick a shopping cart and see how well that works ?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 2,805
Originally Posted by Ptcapote
AO (((Tracy))), awesome post per usual.
Yes, when I finally resigned myself to the fact that I can never, ever drink again, it was like a stone being taken off of my back. I also had a hard time with the "Never? Never, ever, never?" thing. But just mentally making it an impossibility helped. I also have been dogged since right before I quit with an overwhelming feeling that my next time is going to be my last in some form or another. I know that sounds hokey but I don't mess with intuition. I don't know whether it means my demise or the demise of someone else but that awful sense of foreboding is usually enough to scare me silly.
It's poison, plain and simple. Poison to our bodies, minds, and, maybe most importantly, poison to our souls.
Love ya lots, Tracy (and of course also tickled to find out that one of my other very favorite people here---Nuu--- is named Tracey too...with an "e" so it all makes sense in some weird cosmic sort of way...)
Thanks as always for your posts,
Patricia
Yes, when I finally resigned myself to the fact that I can never, ever drink again, it was like a stone being taken off of my back. I also had a hard time with the "Never? Never, ever, never?" thing. But just mentally making it an impossibility helped. I also have been dogged since right before I quit with an overwhelming feeling that my next time is going to be my last in some form or another. I know that sounds hokey but I don't mess with intuition. I don't know whether it means my demise or the demise of someone else but that awful sense of foreboding is usually enough to scare me silly.
It's poison, plain and simple. Poison to our bodies, minds, and, maybe most importantly, poison to our souls.
Love ya lots, Tracy (and of course also tickled to find out that one of my other very favorite people here---Nuu--- is named Tracey too...with an "e"
so it all makes sense in some weird cosmic sort of way...)Thanks as always for your posts,
Patricia
Tracy (AO), as usual your beautiful honesty and frank posts have brought out so many other useful ideas and inspirational posts from others on this board. I am in awe of you right now.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 3,359
AO seems like you are on a really good path. I am truly thrilled for you. Congrats.
I find for me things come in waves. What I am trying to better grasp is the feelings and causation of what trips me up. What I keep coming back to is my ego. When its bruised by not being accepted, shuned or the like, as well as when I am in peacock mode and feeling full of myself. Despite knowing full well the consequences of my actions when I feel this way I trigger urges. I have remained strong through these by wokring my little system and talking things out with my sponsor and family.
I find for me things come in waves. What I am trying to better grasp is the feelings and causation of what trips me up. What I keep coming back to is my ego. When its bruised by not being accepted, shuned or the like, as well as when I am in peacock mode and feeling full of myself. Despite knowing full well the consequences of my actions when I feel this way I trigger urges. I have remained strong through these by wokring my little system and talking things out with my sponsor and family.
quat
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: terra (mostly)firma
Posts: 4,823
Originally Posted by Nuudawn
I don't think I follow dwtb or perhaps agree is the right word. The psyche will rebel against its own self with the word "can't". What do you mean I can't??? That is what I mean about permission. There is no "can't". I can. I have a lot of little conversations in managing my self and sometimes it's important..for me...to give myself "permissions" in order to exhale and simply make a choice.
I give myself permission to have a lousy time at a social event if I have to or permission to be cranky about doing housework I don't want to do.
It's about the feelings rather than choices. For me I am "allowed" to feel any way I want about a choice. It's the freedom of choice I need to maintain for me. But that's just me. Call it mental gymnastics or dodging..(which is kinda judgey dude). I call it my choice : )
I give myself permission to have a lousy time at a social event if I have to or permission to be cranky about doing housework I don't want to do.
It's about the feelings rather than choices. For me I am "allowed" to feel any way I want about a choice. It's the freedom of choice I need to maintain for me. But that's just me. Call it mental gymnastics or dodging..(which is kinda judgey dude). I call it my choice : )
What I meant to comment on was that making drinking conditional is what can trip people up. Everyone is free to do whatever they wish, there is always 'permission' to drink, in that there is no permission needed. Making 'permission' part of the equation means , to me, that drinking is not in question. Seeking permission to drink by good deeds or some assurance of not overinduldging , or just saying 'eff it' either way , it seems, that the choice of drinking has been made, or at the least not being considered anything other than the eventual outcome. This is the kind of thinking I think trips people up, I know in the past it did me.
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 4,580
Originally Posted by dwtbd
I am not that articulate and I think we may have been talking past each other, my bad.
What I meant to comment on was that making drinking conditional is what can trip people up. Everyone is free to do whatever they wish, there is always 'permission' to drink, in that there is no permission needed. Making 'permission' part of the equation means , to me, that drinking is not in question. Seeking permission to drink by good deeds or some assurance of not overinduldging , or just saying 'eff it' either way , it seems, that the choice of drinking has been made, or at the least not being considered anything other than the eventual outcome. This is the kind of thinking I think trips people up, I know in the past it did me.
What I meant to comment on was that making drinking conditional is what can trip people up. Everyone is free to do whatever they wish, there is always 'permission' to drink, in that there is no permission needed. Making 'permission' part of the equation means , to me, that drinking is not in question. Seeking permission to drink by good deeds or some assurance of not overinduldging , or just saying 'eff it' either way , it seems, that the choice of drinking has been made, or at the least not being considered anything other than the eventual outcome. This is the kind of thinking I think trips people up, I know in the past it did me.
The choice is black and white really..not drink or drink (and acquiescing to the latter opens ourselves up to vulnerability and uncertainty we just don't have if we don't).
For me, I just found relief in overriding the "can't" that was screaming in my brain and allowing myself the freedom of ..yes, you actually can if you want to..it's your right...go ahead crazy lady....maybe it will be one and done...but is it wise? Uh..no.
Sorry to hijack your thread AO! You know me...can't contain the verbal bats in the belfry.
voices ca**y
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: St. Paul Minnesota
Posts: 4,360
Originally Posted by alphaomega
Something profound happened during my last slip.
Chemically, I had crossed a line. And I knew with ONE MORE DRINK, I would be no longer flirting with a couple bottles of wine a night, I would be drinking around the clock, all day, every day.
Chemically, I had crossed a line. And I knew with ONE MORE DRINK, I would be no longer flirting with a couple bottles of wine a night, I would be drinking around the clock, all day, every day.
quat
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: terra (mostly)firma
Posts: 4,823
A month or two before I quit , I told my wife that I just needed to a handle on my drinking. Honestly saying how I did not, could not become " that guy" , the guy who drinks in the morning because he has to, the guy who would ruin his life and his family's just to keep drinking.
And then I turned that corner and from what I think those corners can't be unturned. The progression can't be rolled back or reset. The corners are inevitable ,taking or turning them is not,thank god .
And then I turned that corner and from what I think those corners can't be unturned. The progression can't be rolled back or reset. The corners are inevitable ,taking or turning them is not,thank god .
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
