New to this....angry, confused and hurt
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Lincoln
Posts: 8
New to this....angry, confused and hurt
So, I have read here a lot, but never taken the step to post. Perhaps I am doing this to vent as much as I am for looking for some insight. Bare with me, this may ramble.
I started my relationship with a young lady about 4 years ago. We started seeing each other before our current marriages were over. I mistake I regret. Early I started to notice she drank.....a lot, but it was never around me in excess. I have never been a drinker much and I really didn't understand this beast. Our relationship was intense. For the first several years of our relationship, it was long distant.
I had never been with a woman who understood me so well, seemed to care for me and made me feel alive. As time went on, there were several transgressions on her part. Each time, there was tearful remorse and each time, I went back.
She eventually got her second DUI while driving up one day to see me. She was sentenced to probation and had to enter rehab. Over the next year, she was in and out of 3 different facilities. The drinking got worse. The transgressions happened again. In fact, the night before I was supposed to take she and her kids to a football game, I walked in on her with someone else. A tense situation to say the least.
By this time, she had been charged with a parole violation and was looking at 60 days in jail. She said, "I'm done. I can't do this" and entered a 30 day program. She got out, went into a 3/4 way house, found a good job and moved to where I was. Things were going well.
Then 6 months in, she relapsed. The fights began again, threats, munipulation....all of it. It was always bargaining....."If you do THIS I'll stop drinking." The bar kept getting moved. While this was going on, I went to Alanon. Frankly, it wasn't a fit for me. I later met a guy at an AA meeting when I would go with my gf. We really clicked. I asked him if he would take me through the steps because I WAS powerless over alcohol.....my gfs. Currently on step 5
I feel I have given and given and given. The bar keeps getting raised. I NEVER do enough (despite taking her kids to school, cleaning up when they get sick, cooking dinners for everyone and the list goes on) The constant comments I hear are "I don't have a partner. You are never here." To a point, she is telling the truth. I DON"T go around her when she is drinking. I WON"T have her around my kids when she is drinking. When I have my kids, I want them (she and her kids) to be around, but my kids are my priority.
She twists my words and I feel like a POS. I feel like she is pissed is she isn't the ONLY priority in my life. That the world must revolve around HER. I admit, I am far from perfect, but I like to think I am a decent guy. I have been there for her when no one else was.
Finally, two nights ago, I drew a line in the sand. She has been pressuring me to move in together and I said, "As long as you are actively using, that is not going to happen. So if you want to use, this is as good as its going to get. I want a future with you, I want to grow old with you, but I am not letting that monster in my house." Her complaint was that I didn't make her feel desired or sexy, despite the fact that 5 days prior in a drunken rage, she said, "Tomorrow I will start finding someone to replace you. Replacing you is actually quite easy." She later apologized, but those words have stung and cut to the bone. I feel like I am in a verbally abusive relationship.
Last night, I caught her in another lie. I checked her phone records and she has been texting with another guy. When I confronted her, she tried to turn it on me. When I said, "I don't trust you when you are in your alcoholic mindset" she said I was the one with control issues. I'm not sure if I have control issues or I am just going crazy out of my mind because there is no logic in any of this and I feel like I am in the twilight zone. She swore at me and hung up the phone. I proceeded to block her number.
The issue is, I feel like S**T! Logic and my head tells me run, do not pass go. I am dealing with a very sick person, who is verbally abusive and perhaps BPD. It still doesnt take away the fact that I love her, I want a future with what I know she can be and my heart hurts. 4 years of sticking by her, putting up with her crap and I am easily tossed to the side.
So, that's my story. I don't know if anyone else has had similar experience, but I'm a wreck right now. Hoping to meet with my sponsor tonight. Any thoughts, suggestions or words of wisdom are welcomed.
I started my relationship with a young lady about 4 years ago. We started seeing each other before our current marriages were over. I mistake I regret. Early I started to notice she drank.....a lot, but it was never around me in excess. I have never been a drinker much and I really didn't understand this beast. Our relationship was intense. For the first several years of our relationship, it was long distant.
I had never been with a woman who understood me so well, seemed to care for me and made me feel alive. As time went on, there were several transgressions on her part. Each time, there was tearful remorse and each time, I went back.
She eventually got her second DUI while driving up one day to see me. She was sentenced to probation and had to enter rehab. Over the next year, she was in and out of 3 different facilities. The drinking got worse. The transgressions happened again. In fact, the night before I was supposed to take she and her kids to a football game, I walked in on her with someone else. A tense situation to say the least.
By this time, she had been charged with a parole violation and was looking at 60 days in jail. She said, "I'm done. I can't do this" and entered a 30 day program. She got out, went into a 3/4 way house, found a good job and moved to where I was. Things were going well.
Then 6 months in, she relapsed. The fights began again, threats, munipulation....all of it. It was always bargaining....."If you do THIS I'll stop drinking." The bar kept getting moved. While this was going on, I went to Alanon. Frankly, it wasn't a fit for me. I later met a guy at an AA meeting when I would go with my gf. We really clicked. I asked him if he would take me through the steps because I WAS powerless over alcohol.....my gfs. Currently on step 5
I feel I have given and given and given. The bar keeps getting raised. I NEVER do enough (despite taking her kids to school, cleaning up when they get sick, cooking dinners for everyone and the list goes on) The constant comments I hear are "I don't have a partner. You are never here." To a point, she is telling the truth. I DON"T go around her when she is drinking. I WON"T have her around my kids when she is drinking. When I have my kids, I want them (she and her kids) to be around, but my kids are my priority.
She twists my words and I feel like a POS. I feel like she is pissed is she isn't the ONLY priority in my life. That the world must revolve around HER. I admit, I am far from perfect, but I like to think I am a decent guy. I have been there for her when no one else was.
Finally, two nights ago, I drew a line in the sand. She has been pressuring me to move in together and I said, "As long as you are actively using, that is not going to happen. So if you want to use, this is as good as its going to get. I want a future with you, I want to grow old with you, but I am not letting that monster in my house." Her complaint was that I didn't make her feel desired or sexy, despite the fact that 5 days prior in a drunken rage, she said, "Tomorrow I will start finding someone to replace you. Replacing you is actually quite easy." She later apologized, but those words have stung and cut to the bone. I feel like I am in a verbally abusive relationship.
Last night, I caught her in another lie. I checked her phone records and she has been texting with another guy. When I confronted her, she tried to turn it on me. When I said, "I don't trust you when you are in your alcoholic mindset" she said I was the one with control issues. I'm not sure if I have control issues or I am just going crazy out of my mind because there is no logic in any of this and I feel like I am in the twilight zone. She swore at me and hung up the phone. I proceeded to block her number.
The issue is, I feel like S**T! Logic and my head tells me run, do not pass go. I am dealing with a very sick person, who is verbally abusive and perhaps BPD. It still doesnt take away the fact that I love her, I want a future with what I know she can be and my heart hurts. 4 years of sticking by her, putting up with her crap and I am easily tossed to the side.
So, that's my story. I don't know if anyone else has had similar experience, but I'm a wreck right now. Hoping to meet with my sponsor tonight. Any thoughts, suggestions or words of wisdom are welcomed.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Scandinavia
Posts: 1,344
Welcome to SR.
I must admit I kind of come from the other side – I was drinking, so I am not sure my story will be that useful for you.
It does sound like a handful you have gotten yourself into.
I do not know whether you have looked into the friends and family section:
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Lot of experience there on being impacted by an alcoholic loved one.
Take care of yourself and the kids, it can be hard to be in relationship with someone with an addiction.
I must admit I kind of come from the other side – I was drinking, so I am not sure my story will be that useful for you.
It does sound like a handful you have gotten yourself into.
I do not know whether you have looked into the friends and family section:
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Lot of experience there on being impacted by an alcoholic loved one.
Take care of yourself and the kids, it can be hard to be in relationship with someone with an addiction.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: C.C. Ma.
Posts: 3,697
Hi. I'm sorry for your situation However you wrote, "The issue is, I feel like S**T! Logic and my head tells me run, do not pass go. I am dealing with a very sick person, who is verbally abusive and perhaps BPD. It still doesn't take away the fact that I love her, I want a future with what I know she can be and my heart hurts. 4 years of sticking by her, putting up with her crap and I am easily tossed to the side."
Your logic might be the best thing for you. In my years of observation alcoholic relationships are tough because of so many issues. This may be the best it ever is if she continues drinking and most times gets worse. JMHO. BE WELL
Your logic might be the best thing for you. In my years of observation alcoholic relationships are tough because of so many issues. This may be the best it ever is if she continues drinking and most times gets worse. JMHO. BE WELL
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: des moines ia
Posts: 362
WOW!! Your words hit me like a ton of bricks. There isn't enough room here to tell you of my experience in an alcoholic relationship.
I will say this, I was MADLY in love with another alcoholic. She made me feel just as you described. It started long distance as yours did, etc. etc. I got sober, she didn't. She passed away 2 1/2 years ago, I still miss her so much it physically hurts at times.
The best thing I did was STOP trying to control. I set my boundaries as you have. You are dealing with two things here, alcoholism and a simple human response. You push one way, she'll push the other.
From my experience I would say she loves you as much as you love her. Take her calls, If she's drunk, tell her how much you love her and HANG UP. STAND YOUR GROUND!! I won't use the term tough love because it goes way beyond that.
I spent 25 years with this lovely but sick women. I don't regret a moment!
Now, all this being said, Protect your kids! In all this mess they ARE the most important. That is the one regret I have. My two where but 6 and 8 at the beginning. They where hurt by the whole situation.
Your friend,
Ron
PS. feel free to pm me.
I will say this, I was MADLY in love with another alcoholic. She made me feel just as you described. It started long distance as yours did, etc. etc. I got sober, she didn't. She passed away 2 1/2 years ago, I still miss her so much it physically hurts at times.
The best thing I did was STOP trying to control. I set my boundaries as you have. You are dealing with two things here, alcoholism and a simple human response. You push one way, she'll push the other.
From my experience I would say she loves you as much as you love her. Take her calls, If she's drunk, tell her how much you love her and HANG UP. STAND YOUR GROUND!! I won't use the term tough love because it goes way beyond that.
I spent 25 years with this lovely but sick women. I don't regret a moment!
Now, all this being said, Protect your kids! In all this mess they ARE the most important. That is the one regret I have. My two where but 6 and 8 at the beginning. They where hurt by the whole situation.
Your friend,
Ron
PS. feel free to pm me.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,784
to SR! I'm really sorry you're in this mess of a relationship.
She certainly sounds like a sick individual to me. I don't know how you've tolerated it this long.I was in a relationship with a guy many years ago. He drank too much too often and got abusive when he drank. I finally threw him out and felt much better after doing so. I'd rather be lonely than treated badly.
Do take a look at the friends and family forum for more insight.
EndGame
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 4,677
Hi ccalhoun71.
There are worse things in life than being alone, or living without "the one."
The reasons people stay together usually have nothing at all to do with what brought them together in the first place. Long-distance relationships promote a great deal of fantasy about what the other person is and can be for us, but they also provide for truth and reason to take an unexpected holiday. Whatever else is happening, you're in an abusive relationship, a relationship that seems to have very little likelihood of improving. You've trained yourself to be content with the stale crumbs she only offers on the rare occasion. Been there, done that. Have the scars to prove it.
My question is, "What's in it for you?"
By the time someone starts checking their SO's phone activity, the ship has long ago sailed on anything good in the relationship.
While you're wasting your time and energy on this woman -- your life and your kids' lives -- you're also missing out on all that life has to offer. You and your children deserve better.
There are worse things in life than being alone, or living without "the one."
The reasons people stay together usually have nothing at all to do with what brought them together in the first place. Long-distance relationships promote a great deal of fantasy about what the other person is and can be for us, but they also provide for truth and reason to take an unexpected holiday. Whatever else is happening, you're in an abusive relationship, a relationship that seems to have very little likelihood of improving. You've trained yourself to be content with the stale crumbs she only offers on the rare occasion. Been there, done that. Have the scars to prove it.
My question is, "What's in it for you?"
By the time someone starts checking their SO's phone activity, the ship has long ago sailed on anything good in the relationship.
While you're wasting your time and energy on this woman -- your life and your kids' lives -- you're also missing out on all that life has to offer. You and your children deserve better.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,434
Originally Posted by EndGameNYC 
Hi ccalhoun71.
There are worse things in life than being alone, or living without "the one."
The reasons people stay together usually have nothing at all to do with what brought them together in the first place. Long-distance relationships promote a great deal of fantasy about what the other person is and can be for us, but they also provide for truth and reason to take an unexpected holiday. Whatever else is happening, you're in an abusive relationship, a relationship that seems to have very little likelihood of improving. You've trained yourself to be content with the stale crumbs she only offers on the rare occasion. Been there, done that. Have the scars to prove it.
My question is, "What's in it for you?"
By the time someone starts checking their SO's phone activity, the ship has long ago sailed on anything good in the relationship.
While you're wasting your time and energy on this woman -- your life and your kids' lives -- you're also missing out on all that life has to offer. You and your children deserve better.
There are worse things in life than being alone, or living without "the one."
The reasons people stay together usually have nothing at all to do with what brought them together in the first place. Long-distance relationships promote a great deal of fantasy about what the other person is and can be for us, but they also provide for truth and reason to take an unexpected holiday. Whatever else is happening, you're in an abusive relationship, a relationship that seems to have very little likelihood of improving. You've trained yourself to be content with the stale crumbs she only offers on the rare occasion. Been there, done that. Have the scars to prove it.
My question is, "What's in it for you?"
By the time someone starts checking their SO's phone activity, the ship has long ago sailed on anything good in the relationship.
While you're wasting your time and energy on this woman -- your life and your kids' lives -- you're also missing out on all that life has to offer. You and your children deserve better.
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