I decided to get sober, SO is treating me worse then when I was drinking.
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: New Hampshire
Posts: 377
I decided to get sober, SO is treating me worse then when I was drinking.
No, this isn't a woe is me post, I deserve his anger, but WOW, I wasn't expecting him to be this harsh. I admitted I needed help, now he is treating me like garbage! He said I should go to rehab for 30 days and my addiction healed. WHAT???!!!??! I have been going to AA everyday and he doesn't want me to go, he thinks I am replacing one addiction for another. UMMM, I think 1 hour out of my day is better than drinking myself to a stuper and spending 4-5 hours a day a drunk mess.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
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Think of all the pain and anguish we cause as alcoholics. There is bound to be resentment in return, whether it's "fair" or not. For one thing when we are drunk and we don't notice it. We also cannot expect a magic want to wave and somehow undo it all - it takes time to restore others confidence in us after all the lies we told to ourselves and everyone else.
Be humble, be honest, and above all don't drink - it will get better.
Be humble, be honest, and above all don't drink - it will get better.
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Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
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He may have a right to be angry, but if he thinks 30 days in a rehab will cure addiction, he knows nothing about alcoholism.
Perhaps he could benefit from alanon. That will give him something to focus on rather than your recovery, which is yours, not his.
Perhaps he could benefit from alanon. That will give him something to focus on rather than your recovery, which is yours, not his.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 3,777
There may be more to this than is being let out by him. Try to find some time to talk, letting out all the fears, hurts, expectations....He may be really hurt and needs some time to process. I would continue with AA. One hour is not much time considering how much time we have spent actively engaged in drinking.
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Join Date: May 2013
Location: Johannesburg
Posts: 203
I don't know all the details so I may be completely off, but I'll share an experience of mine.
My ex-husband is an addict. His addiction caused many marital and financial problems and I thought if only he'd stop everything would be fine. But one of the hardest things I went through was when he did get clean.
Until then, I had been the grown-up, I sorted out the problems, kept the household going, paid the bills, was the only parent, etc. When he began to fulfil his responsibilities I was in a panic because I didn't think I had any value anymore, I had lost my identity as the martyr and saviour and the whole dynamic of the relationship changed.
So I made things difficult for him, partly because I was angry and didn't trust that his sobriety would last, but also because I wanted to retain my position of superiority. It was not done consciously, it took me many years to realise I had been feeling and acting this way.
Perhaps your husband is feeling somewhat insecure and isn't sure why?
My ex-husband is an addict. His addiction caused many marital and financial problems and I thought if only he'd stop everything would be fine. But one of the hardest things I went through was when he did get clean.
Until then, I had been the grown-up, I sorted out the problems, kept the household going, paid the bills, was the only parent, etc. When he began to fulfil his responsibilities I was in a panic because I didn't think I had any value anymore, I had lost my identity as the martyr and saviour and the whole dynamic of the relationship changed.
So I made things difficult for him, partly because I was angry and didn't trust that his sobriety would last, but also because I wanted to retain my position of superiority. It was not done consciously, it took me many years to realise I had been feeling and acting this way.
Perhaps your husband is feeling somewhat insecure and isn't sure why?
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 480
Anchorbird, a lot of good responses that might be on the mark. I'll also add that my wife, like most folks I suppose, believed the problem was one of weakness and an attempt to escape from reality. From her viewpoint it seemed something like, "Look, I have to face life head on, you jerk, why the eff do YOU get to escape all the time?"
Upon reading the book Under the Influence (excerpts can be found here: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...influence.html ) my understanding of alcoholism began to change. Eventually, she learned more about it, as well (also attends Al-Anon), and that made a big difference for her. The angry judgment started to fade.
But, again, other elements may be in play such as what others have suggested: the displacement of the non-alcoholic's position, the delayed anger that they waited to express until it felt safe(r), the testing to see if the alcoholic can tolerate the discomfort of the non-alcoholics rage, disappointment, etc., without getting drunk.
My wife was hoping I'd just quit and be done with it. That this is a maintenance-type thing came as a big disappointment...to both of us, I think.
HTH - you're not alone and it can get better. If he'd be willing to read the excerpts on alcoholism (link above), go to Al-Anon, etc., it'd be great. And if he isn't, that's okay - you can still stay sober. And sometimes they come around a bit later on some of this stuff
Upon reading the book Under the Influence (excerpts can be found here: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...influence.html ) my understanding of alcoholism began to change. Eventually, she learned more about it, as well (also attends Al-Anon), and that made a big difference for her. The angry judgment started to fade.
But, again, other elements may be in play such as what others have suggested: the displacement of the non-alcoholic's position, the delayed anger that they waited to express until it felt safe(r), the testing to see if the alcoholic can tolerate the discomfort of the non-alcoholics rage, disappointment, etc., without getting drunk.
My wife was hoping I'd just quit and be done with it. That this is a maintenance-type thing came as a big disappointment...to both of us, I think.
HTH - you're not alone and it can get better. If he'd be willing to read the excerpts on alcoholism (link above), go to Al-Anon, etc., it'd be great. And if he isn't, that's okay - you can still stay sober. And sometimes they come around a bit later on some of this stuff
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Eastern Us
Posts: 1,366
Let him be angry. Keep doing what you need to do to save your life.
We cause a lot of damage in our relationships. It takes a lot of time to heal. Staying sober is the best thing that you can do at this point.
Relax, breathe, take a walk, give him space . . . or perhaps a hug if he'll let you. You are getting better day by day.
We cause a lot of damage in our relationships. It takes a lot of time to heal. Staying sober is the best thing that you can do at this point.
Relax, breathe, take a walk, give him space . . . or perhaps a hug if he'll let you. You are getting better day by day.
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