ClearWaters

Today is the 10th Nov, i'm 22 years old and I had my last drink sometime last night before marching off in to the center of town with a hopeless need for alcohol, the 22 units in white cider i'd gulped down not being enough to knock me out. It was the end of a two day binge. This time last week, I had just come off a three day binge and with the stunned fury against myself of having once again drunk, drunk even though I had promised myself to never again drink. Thinking I had to do something positive, to gauge the seriousness of my problem and not deny it with transparent resolutions and faith in self sufficiency, i for the hundredth time walked through the doors of an AA meeting. The pattern of my relationship with AA consists in realizing I have an issue with alcohol and going with the intention of committing, of fully giving myself to the programme and from there on reaping the rewards of a sober life. However, after a very short time and due to conflicting issues with the AA ethos i always leave in the belief that I will have the strength to remain sober alone, even though being aware that this hasn't worked in the past. The point is, every time i have tried to remain sober and failed the pattern is so uncannily similar. Despite this, each time with the same resolution I think, hope and believe that this time I will have the strength alone, that it is merely a matter off willpower and discipline. Then, having gone to about 3 meetings in 3 days, and beginning to feel slightly better it was on the Tuesday of this week that, I suppose my pride and arrogance in some sense having returned, I made the decision to drink again in favor of an AA meeting. I could say that it was because I had a stressful day, that I was lonely or worried about things, and while they all may be true do not really explain why I went back on my intention of a week ago. Life is challenging and hard for everyone but not everyone has to go on a crazy bender, they seem to be able to deal with and accepts events in a way that i seem to have a problem with. Perhaps the best explanation, for drinking again is that, when making my noble and virtuous promises of sobriety, i never quite appreciate and remember the full gravity of how alluring alcohol becomes for me. The best way I can explain it is that when the basic pleasure seeking part of my brain starts to stir up with thoughts and images of alcohol, there is absolutely nothing which can appease it but alcohol. The thought of not drinking becomes painful. Even though knowing that to drink again would be mad, week, have terrible consequences and cause me depths of pain, none of this makes drinking any less desirable.
However, it can not go on. After a drinking spree, worse than the pain of the hangover, the guilt, the anxiety and paranoia is the awful feeling of deja vu. That I have again submitted to drinking, and in doing so have cemented this prison of destructive behavior which is stopping me from progressing with my life in any way. More than anything I want to be free of alcohol, to be concentrating on other things and not constantly having to deal with a hangover and making the same intentions which have become something of a joke.
Perhaps my problem is that I have never really got step 1 in the 12 step sense, in that I have have never really accepted the fact that I'm an alcoholic. Primarily this is because I have never really understood it. ''why can't i stop drinking? It is not a logical notion to think that someone is utterly incapable of stopping to drink, if the desire is strong enough" are the sort of feelings i would have, and which would allow me the defiance to sweeps aside any concessions of alcoholism. However, having gone to many meetings and having heard various times of the concept of rock bottom, the idea that your drinking has to hurt enough before you can really accept a higher power based solution, I really do not want to have to let my drinking get worse before i can get better. For many people, rock bottom is death, so how does one ascertain and measure the extent of damage needed to be done in a drinking career in order for someone to be able to change.
I am going back to an AA meeting tonight although realize that I cannot make any intentions of it being different this time, I cannot speak too soon and say it will be at this point that my life changed and where I saw the light. I can only hope. Certainly, I have seen the effect and transformations it has worked in people's lives and that is the most inspiring thing, the reason i keep going back. So, with that in mind, I want to make it work for me, for it to become important and meaningful and to fulfill me, to alleviate the desire to drink and the darkness within which alcohol temporarily anesthetized, to be a force for change.

HeadLump

Welcome to SR, ClearWaters You've made a great first step in joining here. You'll find a whole load of support, wisdom and experience

lorelei

clear, take it one day at a time x

freefer

..."there is absolutely nothing which can appease it but alcohol...." I am learning to preface this with.... I never learned another way than alcohol to appease it.... I lived dramatically in my head this way also... when I was 22 !... and now at here at 52... I hope you choose to explore other ways and save your self 30 yrs of jails, institutions.... and perhaps a very undignified death... Grateful I found a pen and paper to make a Gratitude list with, learned how to ride the bike I have, used the gym membership I pay for, tried out the pots and pans i purchased... as well as the vacuum, iron, cleaning supplies, kayak, hiking gear, garden tools, assisting of friends that are/were dying from this disease.... got a home group, made coffee, chaired meetings, gave back.... those are some of the "absolutely somethings" I do to appease my overly dramatic thinking these days... hope you are on the mend... as the original post was in 2013 ?

Dee74

Welcome to SR freefer

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BixBees505

I loved your post, freefer!

PurpleKnight

Welcome to the Forum Freefer!!

Soberwolf

Welcome