Hi Everyone, Here's My First Post...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 3
Hi Everyone, Here's My First Post...
So. Here I am two days before my nephew's third birthday, and this forum is the only place I can find to vent... I found out in August, when my sister gave birth to her 2nd child, my niece, that she had been using percocet, oxycontin, and suboxone for about the last year and a half. Yes, she was using while pregnant. She didn't seek prenatal care until month #5. She said she didn't realize she was pregnant... Hm.
I am her older sister, and my husband and I have since taken her, her toddler son, and her newborn daughter, into our home. DYFS and the courts are involved and I have to supervise her 24/7. Her addict boyfriend who I believe is the one who was controlling/managing her drug use (the genius) is not here. He is still using.
I believe she is clean. She doesn't go anywhere without me or my husband, and she is less lazy and withdrawn than she was at first when they came here. But I guess my questions would be...
What can I do to build her self-worth back up? The boyfriend has been tearing her down for years...
What can I do to get her to be more involved with her kids than I am? I do a lot of things I should probably be leaving as her responsibilities, but she doesn't get out of bed until ten a.m. and I get up at 5:30... So laundry/dishes/breakfast are done by the time she gets up...
I want to get her to talk to me, to trust me, but I don't know how. She seems emotionless all the time. She's got to be full of anger toward her boyfriend for having not kept promises and the fact that he hasn't seen his kids in almost a month and that he lied to her and that he didn't attend his son's birthday party, right???
Anyone who has any input... Please. I am running low on sanity
Thanks!
I am her older sister, and my husband and I have since taken her, her toddler son, and her newborn daughter, into our home. DYFS and the courts are involved and I have to supervise her 24/7. Her addict boyfriend who I believe is the one who was controlling/managing her drug use (the genius) is not here. He is still using.
I believe she is clean. She doesn't go anywhere without me or my husband, and she is less lazy and withdrawn than she was at first when they came here. But I guess my questions would be...
What can I do to build her self-worth back up? The boyfriend has been tearing her down for years...
What can I do to get her to be more involved with her kids than I am? I do a lot of things I should probably be leaving as her responsibilities, but she doesn't get out of bed until ten a.m. and I get up at 5:30... So laundry/dishes/breakfast are done by the time she gets up...
I want to get her to talk to me, to trust me, but I don't know how. She seems emotionless all the time. She's got to be full of anger toward her boyfriend for having not kept promises and the fact that he hasn't seen his kids in almost a month and that he lied to her and that he didn't attend his son's birthday party, right???
Anyone who has any input... Please. I am running low on sanity
Thanks!
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,517
I'm sorry for your situation.
It's good that you are taking care of the children, but it concerns me a lot that your sister has no interest. It seems that, perhaps, she is taking advantage of the situation to not get the help she needs. It's great that she is not using drugs, but is she recovering? That is not something you can do for her, or even help her with very much. You can't build up her self-esteem. Those are things she has to learn to do for herself. She needs to make the decision to be a mother to her children and to take responsibility for her life.
To be honest, I don't think I would allow her to continue to live in my home if she is taking no steps to get well and be responsible. I understand that you want and need to care for the children, but I think that your sister needs to be on her own and to find her way.
It's good that you are taking care of the children, but it concerns me a lot that your sister has no interest. It seems that, perhaps, she is taking advantage of the situation to not get the help she needs. It's great that she is not using drugs, but is she recovering? That is not something you can do for her, or even help her with very much. You can't build up her self-esteem. Those are things she has to learn to do for herself. She needs to make the decision to be a mother to her children and to take responsibility for her life.
To be honest, I don't think I would allow her to continue to live in my home if she is taking no steps to get well and be responsible. I understand that you want and need to care for the children, but I think that your sister needs to be on her own and to find her way.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 3
OK... Thank you both for your replies... My sister is doing the things she needs to do when she is awake, just in case that was a little unclear... She is following all of the recommendations of the DYFS workers and court orders. Her outpatient doesn't begin until October 15... She does have the appointments.
She has interest but seems emotionless a lot of the time, I guess a better way to put it is that at first she was worried about her boyfriend more than she was worried about her daughter still being at hospital or the toll this is taking on her family (our family). She is not reacting the way I did when my son's father started using and ultimately lost his rights to our son in the end. Maybe the situation with the father of my son makes me less tolerant of her boyfriend and the way he totally disregards his children, I don't know.
I have had all this inside my head since this all came to light (she had been avoiding the family for quite some time, but before that we were very close). I haven't been able to talk to anyone, and since I can't leave her alone with the kids, it would be difficult to go to meetings.
I also have my son and my husband has four kids from his first marriage, so it is difficult to not clean my house or wait for her to do it, as I am trying to keep the environment the same as what our kids are used to...
OK now I feel like I am rambling...
She has interest but seems emotionless a lot of the time, I guess a better way to put it is that at first she was worried about her boyfriend more than she was worried about her daughter still being at hospital or the toll this is taking on her family (our family). She is not reacting the way I did when my son's father started using and ultimately lost his rights to our son in the end. Maybe the situation with the father of my son makes me less tolerant of her boyfriend and the way he totally disregards his children, I don't know.
I have had all this inside my head since this all came to light (she had been avoiding the family for quite some time, but before that we were very close). I haven't been able to talk to anyone, and since I can't leave her alone with the kids, it would be difficult to go to meetings.
I also have my son and my husband has four kids from his first marriage, so it is difficult to not clean my house or wait for her to do it, as I am trying to keep the environment the same as what our kids are used to...
OK now I feel like I am rambling...
Member
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Ireland
Posts: 1,641
Ramble away.
Meantime, check out the "Friends and family forums".
There is an alcohol one and a substance abuse one.
They are very wise, having been through a lot themselves and are tough but full of good advice, should you choose to post there.
Thank God that you were there to take them in.
Meantime, check out the "Friends and family forums".
There is an alcohol one and a substance abuse one.
They are very wise, having been through a lot themselves and are tough but full of good advice, should you choose to post there.
Thank God that you were there to take them in.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,517
Originally Posted by JustTrying2Help 
.. My sister is doing the things she needs to do when she is awake,)
But, the mother of a toddler and an infant, cannot sleep till 10AM. It's irresponsible and impossible to do, if you are caring for your children. I know it's hard to hear, but I don't think you are doing your sister any favors but allowing her to do that.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,785
I agree with Anna. Your sister needs to start doing more at your home to help out, especially taking care of her own kids. No more sleeping til ten am. Make her get up when you do. If she's not working she has no reason to not help out around the house.
In the meantime, visit our friends and family forum for more insight.
Friends and Family of Substance Abusers - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
In the meantime, visit our friends and family forum for more insight.
Friends and Family of Substance Abusers - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 3
Just A Quick Update...
Hi everyone!
Thank you all so much for the responses. I don't know how to quote people, or would... I looked into meetings in my area and there are meetings weekly at a church near my house. Should I ask her to go as well, or wait until her Outpatient starts and let them guide her? That's one thing I haven't got the answer to...
I woke her up this morning when her three year old woke up... She wasn't angry or anything, and she jumped right in to changing him and getting him breakfast, so thanks for that suggestion. I guess I knew I had to get her up, just felt guilty because her baby is only 7 weeks old and I didn't want her to feel too overwhelmed/exhausted... But your comments on it definitely got me to see my own "wrongness" (? lol)...
Her boyfriend is still using, he came here under the influence yesterday to bring my nephew presents for his birthday. She says it is the suboxone but I am going to research that and see the facts myself, when I finish writing this. I don't believe that he should be here like that handling a three year old and an infant, so when I can I will call their court-appointed lawyer (the kids' lawyer) and see their opinion.
Anyway, again I want to thank you guys for your support and input... It's very helpful and I have read quite a few of the other threads. Any newcomers to this site should feel very welcome. I know I am grateful I found it.
Good luck everyone!!!
Thank you all so much for the responses. I don't know how to quote people, or would... I looked into meetings in my area and there are meetings weekly at a church near my house. Should I ask her to go as well, or wait until her Outpatient starts and let them guide her? That's one thing I haven't got the answer to...
I woke her up this morning when her three year old woke up... She wasn't angry or anything, and she jumped right in to changing him and getting him breakfast, so thanks for that suggestion. I guess I knew I had to get her up, just felt guilty because her baby is only 7 weeks old and I didn't want her to feel too overwhelmed/exhausted... But your comments on it definitely got me to see my own "wrongness" (? lol)...
Her boyfriend is still using, he came here under the influence yesterday to bring my nephew presents for his birthday. She says it is the suboxone but I am going to research that and see the facts myself, when I finish writing this. I don't believe that he should be here like that handling a three year old and an infant, so when I can I will call their court-appointed lawyer (the kids' lawyer) and see their opinion.
Anyway, again I want to thank you guys for your support and input... It's very helpful and I have read quite a few of the other threads. Any newcomers to this site should feel very welcome. I know I am grateful I found it.
Good luck everyone!!!
Recovering ostrich
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Tampa Bay, Florida
Posts: 2,551
Welcome! That's very kind if you to take care if her and her children, not everyone would it be in a place to do so.
My opinion, and that is all that it is, she should be in NA or some other recovery program on top of the outpatient program. She should also be getting up with her children to care for them. How to go about doing that, I am not sure. That's a tough conversation to have but a necessary one.
Welcome again and good luck.
My opinion, and that is all that it is, she should be in NA or some other recovery program on top of the outpatient program. She should also be getting up with her children to care for them. How to go about doing that, I am not sure. That's a tough conversation to have but a necessary one.
Welcome again and good luck.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,517
Originally Posted by JustTrying2Help
I looked into meetings in my area and there are meetings weekly at a church near my house. Should I ask her to go as well, or wait until her Outpatient starts and let them guide her? That's one thing I haven't got the answer to...
I'm glad you got her up this morning.
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