Messed it up at 12 days...
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Florida
Posts: 281
Messed it up at 12 days...
Dang it!!! Was doing and feeling so good but i just caved at a spur of the moment yesterday at my manicure...my regular guy knows I always have a glass of chardonnay when I'm getting my nails done. I had prepared to decline when asked but he being good at what he does brought me a glass when i sat down. When he set it down I automatically, without a thought!?!, picked it up and sipped it, then, with weak thoughts, had another sip...well I let it slide from there.
Fiance came down for the weekend and we went to get oysters. He ordered us a couple of beers and I said NOTHING!?! I guess in my head I had already messed up earlier, so what the hell??
I feel like I don't want anyone to know because of the accountabilty, which I guess at this point is what I need...
...I plan to talk to my fiance today. I know he will understand and support me.
On the good note, I know how good I felt for those 12 days, body and soul. So here I am at my 2nd day 1, and that hurts a lil to type that.
Gotta go play tennis, luckily don't feel bad physically, just need to hydrate.
Will check in later, thank you all!
Fiance came down for the weekend and we went to get oysters. He ordered us a couple of beers and I said NOTHING!?! I guess in my head I had already messed up earlier, so what the hell??
I feel like I don't want anyone to know because of the accountabilty, which I guess at this point is what I need...
...I plan to talk to my fiance today. I know he will understand and support me.
On the good note, I know how good I felt for those 12 days, body and soul. So here I am at my 2nd day 1, and that hurts a lil to type that.
Gotta go play tennis, luckily don't feel bad physically, just need to hydrate.
Will check in later, thank you all!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 668
Don't beat yourself up over it. We've all had a few false starts. Stick with it.
That being said, you need your fiance's support. If he doesn't know you are trying to stay sober you'll always have situations like you describe with the oysters. Good luck.
That being said, you need your fiance's support. If he doesn't know you are trying to stay sober you'll always have situations like you describe with the oysters. Good luck.
Guest
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 1,242
12 days is great, you had a slip don't let is turn into a slide. Address the thoughts that led to it...and that chat we talked about is probably better sooner rather than later. He loves you. Let him be there for you x
Dust yourself off...and back on board. see ya in class buddy x
Dust yourself off...and back on board. see ya in class buddy x
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 345
gator, congratulations on 12 days, seems like you know what to do...don't spend any time beating yourself up, look at it in total, are you better than you were 12 days ago?
YES, you are...!
i couldn't gather, your fiancé didn't not know you were 12 days sober?
YES, you are...!
i couldn't gather, your fiancé didn't not know you were 12 days sober?
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 4,580
I hated seeing this on the thread roster Gator 
My greatest fear is that your feet may still be grasping for a foothold on that slippery slope.
That kind of ..almost dissociative ...slip almost frightens me more than an all out binge.
There is almost too much nonchalance in what occurred and in the way it occurred. I am not saying "beat" yourself up...but I am suggesting you truly absorb the severity of what happened.
My greatest fear is that your feet may still be grasping for a foothold on that slippery slope.
That kind of ..almost dissociative ...slip almost frightens me more than an all out binge.
There is almost too much nonchalance in what occurred and in the way it occurred. I am not saying "beat" yourself up...but I am suggesting you truly absorb the severity of what happened.
quat
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: terra (mostly)firma
Posts: 4,823
I'm with nuu on the nonchalance aspect.
"automatically, without a thought"? Really? I don't mean to beat yourself up, but humans rarely Do any action without a preceding thought. You had to tell your arm muscles to reach and grasp and lift ect. right?
"automatically, without a thought"? Really? I don't mean to beat yourself up, but humans rarely Do any action without a preceding thought. You had to tell your arm muscles to reach and grasp and lift ect. right?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: London (-ish)
Posts: 263
Don't worry that you had a slip up, we all have. I had a constant cycle of between 5-10 day relapses and couldn't stop myself. If you want it, you'll find a way. If you don't, you'll find an excuse. That's the way alcoholism works. I would avoid them familiar usual drinking spots until you're strong enough in mind to say no.
Sicknote
Sicknote
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Florida
Posts: 281
No sliding, but a huge wake up for me!!!!
I'm getting back on the September bus...
Nuudawn, you are exactly right and I think this proves I'm not sure I'm convinced myself that I will put down the drink for the rest of my life.
It seems to me that I am testing myself, consciously or not, to see where my drinking self stands.
In my head, I can rationalize I feel better, think better, mom better...I just need dig deep inside right now.
I'm getting back on the September bus...
Nuudawn, you are exactly right and I think this proves I'm not sure I'm convinced myself that I will put down the drink for the rest of my life.
It seems to me that I am testing myself, consciously or not, to see where my drinking self stands.
In my head, I can rationalize I feel better, think better, mom better...I just need dig deep inside right now.
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Sonoran Desert & Southeast Asia
Posts: 6,561
That has happened to me, in fact at my barber. Walked in on a Friday afternoon after a stressful week and he said it looked like I needed a beer. I walked over to the mini-fridge, fully planning to get something else, but when I saw that there was only micro-brews in there I decided not to make a big deal out of it so I grabbed one and opened it. Just like that. Then after my haircut I bought 3 on the way home and drank them that evening.
In my analysis two things happened. First, I was going to have a soda or something n/a, but once I saw there was only beer in the fridge I was embarrassed to make a scene (in my alcoholic mind). Secondly, I obviously wasn't fully committed yet. I wasn't getting regular support and I only was a week or two sober so the consequences for me weren't as large.
If that happened to me today I would have cheerfully said "can't have one dude, I quit!". And I would have been confident, and we probably would have joked about it and moved on. I find some people even compliment me on my decision. But that was then and this is now.
In my analysis two things happened. First, I was going to have a soda or something n/a, but once I saw there was only beer in the fridge I was embarrassed to make a scene (in my alcoholic mind). Secondly, I obviously wasn't fully committed yet. I wasn't getting regular support and I only was a week or two sober so the consequences for me weren't as large.
If that happened to me today I would have cheerfully said "can't have one dude, I quit!". And I would have been confident, and we probably would have joked about it and moved on. I find some people even compliment me on my decision. But that was then and this is now.
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Soberspace
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Gatorgirl, that might likely have happened to me this thursday if I was just handed a glass of sparkling wine upon entering the little celebration for my colleague's successful PhD.
I am not 100% sure I'd have the wits not to drink it.
Just "get back in class"
I am not 100% sure I'd have the wits not to drink it.
Just "get back in class"
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 4,580
Originally Posted by gatorgirl67 
No sliding, but a huge wake up for me!!!!
I'm getting back on the September bus...
Nuudawn, you are exactly right and I think this proves I'm not sure I'm convinced myself that I will put down the drink for the rest of my life.
It seems to me that I am testing myself, consciously or not, to see where my drinking self stands.
In my head, I can rationalize I feel better, think better, mom better...I just need dig deep inside right now.
I'm getting back on the September bus...
Nuudawn, you are exactly right and I think this proves I'm not sure I'm convinced myself that I will put down the drink for the rest of my life.
It seems to me that I am testing myself, consciously or not, to see where my drinking self stands.
In my head, I can rationalize I feel better, think better, mom better...I just need dig deep inside right now.
In one particular craving for a chilled glass of white wine where I was attempting to convince myself I wanted only one (really now?). I finally straighten myself up but realizing... no matter what...at a few months sober I have learned nothing about how to live my life without that one glass (or trough) of wine. I keep my sobriety by staying present...above all else.
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 7,097
I had so many periods of qutting for 1 or 2 weeks. It was only when I really wanted to be sober that I really took it seriously and gave it the attention it needed.Part of that for me was learning how to deal with unexpected situations when drinking opportunities arose. For years I never even realized I could say 'NO' to an alcoholic drink I was that used to just accepting them
As weeks go by these situations do arise but I have become more capable of dealing with them. You've just got to decide how much you want to be sober and understand you can say no. Good on you for not turning it into a binge
As weeks go by these situations do arise but I have become more capable of dealing with them. You've just got to decide how much you want to be sober and understand you can say no. Good on you for not turning it into a binge
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,445
yeah, I have to disagree GatorGirl...I think this relapse has been bubbling for a while.
recent post by you:
I'm not posting this to beat you up.
I think its vital that we get good at listening to ourselves tho, and at being totally honest with ourselves.
It's far better to realise you're vulnerable and on shaky round and head off a relapse before it happens than it is to drink again - noone knows what might happen then.
Think about this week - think about the factors that bought you back to drinking.
How could you have handled this week better?
if you can answer that, this can be your last day one
D
recent post by you:
Update...Fiance got back home from hunting trip, already had my new favorite NA drink ICE pink grapefruit. We went to dinner, he ordered a beer and I ordered water...no stress for me about that. Came home and he was exhausted, so we went to bed. No mention from him about me drinking or not drinking. I didn't bring anything up either.
So, he is coming to my house for the weekend, and my AV is whispering in my ear "See, he didn't even notice whether you drank or not, so maybe you think it's a bigger deal that it really is."
So, part of me thinks I don't want to bring it up with him, because I can get a few weeks of non-drinking under my belt and just like my AV says "I made a bigger deal that it really was". And then start back with "one glass every now and then".
But I have been on this site long enough to know how that story ends...so I'm planning to have the conversation with him and just get it out. I really feel like it will be a ton of bricks off my back, but I'm still somehow apprehensive.
Is it the AV in my head saying don't open up to him, because if you do then we can't drink anymore? Sometimes I don't know if it's my thoughts or that dang AV in my head, or maybe a little bit of both!!
Feeling strong one moment and frustrated the next...
So, he is coming to my house for the weekend, and my AV is whispering in my ear "See, he didn't even notice whether you drank or not, so maybe you think it's a bigger deal that it really is."
So, part of me thinks I don't want to bring it up with him, because I can get a few weeks of non-drinking under my belt and just like my AV says "I made a bigger deal that it really was". And then start back with "one glass every now and then".
But I have been on this site long enough to know how that story ends...so I'm planning to have the conversation with him and just get it out. I really feel like it will be a ton of bricks off my back, but I'm still somehow apprehensive.
Is it the AV in my head saying don't open up to him, because if you do then we can't drink anymore? Sometimes I don't know if it's my thoughts or that dang AV in my head, or maybe a little bit of both!!
Feeling strong one moment and frustrated the next...
I think its vital that we get good at listening to ourselves tho, and at being totally honest with ourselves.
It's far better to realise you're vulnerable and on shaky round and head off a relapse before it happens than it is to drink again - noone knows what might happen then.
Think about this week - think about the factors that bought you back to drinking.
How could you have handled this week better?
if you can answer that, this can be your last day one
D
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Florida
Posts: 281
Dee, I think you're right....I set myself up. And I failed myself. I've got a lot of soul-searching to do. I'm still here and will continue to use my SR friends to help me figure this all out. I also go see my therapist Monday, who I have seen for 20 years...she's helped me with all kinds of things throughout my life...
Thank you (with tears in my eyes),
GGirl
Thank you (with tears in my eyes),
GGirl
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: England
Posts: 329
It's good you are giving yourself a hard time. It shows that you expected more from yourself AND that you know you have more to give.you know you have it in yourself to break this habit. Don't you agree it is just a habit ie you always have a drink when you cook,watch tv,have your nails done ,etc etc. as you train your body and mind not to have a drink then that becomes the new habit .the new habit is just not drinking.
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