Toomutch

15 years ago I put $100,000 down on a nice home for my husband and children. Had a good job and always owned my cars. I must be so stupid because throughout the years the house ended up with a 2nd mortgage, me signing on it like a fool. My husband had a thriving small business and I figured everything was fine and dandy. Long story short we are in the middle of a bankruptsy, foreclosure and a divorce. Actually the bankruptsy attorney advised I don't file for the divorce until after the last trial of the bankruptsy. Shortly before I left my husband he convinced me to refinance my car in which I only had 2 payments left and I now owe more on the car than it's worth so I have decided to let it go in the bankrupsy. I feel so cheated, he never let me see anything to do with bills and finances. I am such a fool. At one time I had so much and now I have nothing to my name.

I don't know if this stress contributed to my drinking again or not, but I am constantly having panic attacks. For one I am living with my boyfriend before I am even divorced which is very disappointing to God. It feels right to me though. I feel so guilty that I quit going to church and bible study months ago.

I guess I'm feeling very sorry for myself and guilty for the way I'm living. The alcohol took that panic away during the day and I depended on it for that.

Now that I have decided to never pick up again my heart is beating out of my chest.

All the things that I have lost are material it still hurts.

lommey

A bit like me .I lost home and husband Don't care about house but rally upset that h wouldn't support me but guess hed had enough. Think we both need to put our faith in a hp and pray that he'll Look after us because I certainly couldn't manage my life. xx

interimrecovery

Wow toomutch, I feel the pain your feeling. I too have lost everything job, cars, house, fiance.....all to my addiction and because ive lost everything when i am sober i constantly beat up on myself. I am currently feeling those feelings so i dont have much advice but i do have empathy and am right there with you. I guarentee though that many many many people on here have similar stories and have made it through it and replaced all material items and have a quality life today without alchohol.

good luck ...

Threshold

Hugs. I relate. Life just keeps coming. Drinking didn't fix anything, so on we go.

Don't let guilt drive you away from faith or community. You might find answers and support there than you never dreamed possible.

I hope you also find answers and support here on SR.

Fdm

I hope things turn up for you soon. You could use a streak of good fortune, it seems.

digdug

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with all of this. The bankruptcy stuff will work its way out. Just do what the lawyer suggests.

You will have an opportunity for fresh start. Newly sober and newly financially independent. You've learned a valuable lesson not to trust others with your financial well being.

The panic attacks/anxiety are a common symptom of quitting alcohol, especially if you're constantly on and off the wagon. But I'd definitely talk to a doctor about the panic attacks. I have them too and they can be debilitating. You might want to avoid taking any benzos if offered. Just as hard to quit and just as fatal a withdrawal.

And finally, I don't know about your god, but my higher power would care way more about you staying sober than living with your bf before your divorce is final. Keep your chin up and I'll be thinking/praying for you.

warrens

Seems like you are making progress, TM. I used to be on my knees with panic and pain and self loathing. The cycle of dependency can extend beyond our drink, but to others who enable our helplessness. Sounds like you are beginning to accept some important stuff.

You can and will find that you haven't lost anything, but gained everything. I know, I know. I have heard literally hundreds and hundreds and hundreds in your same (or worse) situation tell of their joy that it is all sorted out. I am one of those people.

Careful however, blaming our drinking on bad times, stress, others, etc can be very dangerous. I know. I relapsed when life was GOOD, thinking that now with everything in a groove, that I could drink normally. Sound familiar?

I don't recommend relapse, but in my case it erased all doubts that I am a powerless alcoholic, regardless of cars, homes, etc.

Life is now beyond what I could have imagined. It's taken years, but the wreckage is cleared. Life is simpler, more spiritual, and my joy comes from within, not as a result of things external.

It WILL get better if you let it.

Friend Warren

Toomutch

This may sound awful but I haven't missed my husband at all since I left him. He controlled to the point that he would do all the grocery shopping to keep me in the house. Every aspect of my life was controlled by him. Looking back I can't believe I stayed in it for so long, most of the time sober. Like I said I miss the material things more than I miss him.

ScottFromWI

You are doing what you need to do to survive with your living arrangements. You are also working towards sobriety with what you have. And I might as you are surving both..you are still sober and still have a place to live with someone who cares for you.

Thinking about the past jeapordizes both of those things. Think about what you can do today to keep what you have, and build a good future. Dwelling in it will just take you right back.

wpainterw

Toomuch:
It's true that you have lost everything. But you've gained the most important thing of all. The road to sobriety. If you keep on that road I guarantee you that perhaps a year, perhaps more than that, you will look back and these troubles of yours will appear in the distant past. You will be happy. Your life is ahead of you. I think of the Italian poet Dante who began his great poem:

Midway in this our mortal life
I found me in a gloomy wood- astray
Gone from the path direct and e'en to tell
It were no easy task, how savage wild
That forest, how robust and rough its growth,
Which to remember only, my dismay
Renews, in bitterness not far from death.


Dante is speaking of his troubles. But he emerged from that wood and
found happiness. You will too. Just stay on the path and you will see.

All the best to you.

W.

Alysheba

Love, hope and prayers to those of us who have lost so much to this disease along with the panic and horror it leaves us with once we've put down the booze and DOCs. I love this site because we get to read and share how people rebuild and we know that it's possible. xxoo to all of us! Keep the hope. From what I see there is another side. Can't come fast enough but as they say, God's time, not my time.

least

You've got so much on your plate right now all I can do is give you a


Whatever you do, stay sober. Drinking won't help anything, it will only make it worse.

Raider

Oh I'm sorry. That is very sad. But yea!! On your sobriety.
All the other stuff, though horribly painful, can be replaced.

Toomutch, go back to Church. JESUS will welcome you with open arms. Prayers to you!

Anna

TM, I believe that everything happens for a reason. This might not be what you chose as an outcome, but this is where you are meant to be right now. You can rebuild your life.

EndGameNYC

Why would you miss someone who treats you as though you're one of his personal belongings? Good riddance. And good for you for hanging in there.

JaylaaKent

I'm in the same boat toomutch. I lost my "things" as well this year (not due to my drinking) - It caused me to relapse as well. Then I realized they are just that "things". Sounds like you were unhappily married anyways and financially struggling (or you wouldn't have filed for bankruptcy)? Why can't you be yourself - or the woman you want to be and go to bible study while you live with your boyfriend? People I know who believe in Jesus Christ and a God believe in love and forgiveness. You need to do that for yourself as well. It's ok - you WILL get through this. I finally realized I didn't "die" after losing my marriage, home, and filing for bankruptcy. In fact - a year later - I am wondering why I wasted away my life drinking the past year because of it. I feel so free and relieved and am starting a new life - and engaged to my "boyfriend" whom I met shortly after I divorced and supported me through 8 months of recovery/restoration. Best of luck you can do it.

MythOfSisyphus

No matter how much we love possessions they're just material things. I won't say they're of no consequence, but they come and go with little lasting impact on our happiness. Your emotional and mental health is so much more important. And it depends on getting sober and staying sober. Once you've fixed that broken part of yourself the possessions will accumulate again if you so desire them. Work on yourself and your sobriety first.

WritingFromLife

TM--I think you are judging yourself (and your living arrangements) way more than God is. Go back to church if that is what makes your spirit happy!

Mizzuno

I believe that God wants you to be happy. I am not sure whether God cares if you live with your boyfriend or not. (In my opinion) There are far too many things that we need to process, and finding love should not be a negative. Material things come and go, but your life, and the life that you are meant to create and live does not. Carry on and be Happy!

tomsteve

something I was told when I said I lost so much when drinking:
"ya didn't lose it. ya chose alcohol over everything else and gave it away. accept accountability for it. it will help." found that to be true for me.


".... For one I am living with my boyfriend before I am even divorced which is very disappointing to God. It feels right to me though. I feel so guilty that I quit going to church and bible study months ago.

I guess I'm feeling very sorry for myself and guilty for the way I'm living."

seems a good thing God is in your heart. id suggest stop lisening tot he whispers of satan tellin ya its better to be pleasing to men that pleasing to God, get back to church, confess your sins, and start livin faithfully again. all that anxiety,worry, and fear will leave when ya get right with God.