13unluckyforsom

What were you hoping to gain from this post? Now most of us have looked and read the post in question but Im struggling to see how this is of any value to you - us or the person who said this.

If anything I find this slightly childish in the sense that you obviously feel hurt by what was said to you - you obviously want to say something about it but yet you chose to not reply to the person in question on the thread you are talking about but you choose to 'call out' this poster on a whole thread dedicated to them and what they said to you... I don't see how this is helpful to you, the other person or us... Sorry I just don't know what result you expect to get from this...

I think the adult response here is to speak to the person in question and say 'listen I was upset when you said x,y,z I don't think it was fair' or whatever you feel about what was said say it to them and maybe - more than likely actually that person will have some explanation for why they said what they did or they will explain how they meant for you to take it etc etc this right here - it's not going to solve your issue because your issue isn't with anyone here who has replied. So far. Lol.

soberhawk

I do not think you are right unluckyforsome.

I have not read the post in question and I do not find it important.

I think trikyriky is making a more general point.

13unluckyforsom

How can 'calling the poster out' and then quoting parts of what they said be described as general?

Dee74

I haven't been here and I'm not going to look back at particular threads. Too much to catch up on - in any case it's clear to me Riky is speaking generally.

I think,unless things have changed a lot in a week, everyone here has the same aim - to see everyone else sober and clean.

There may be different approaches, there maybe human frailties like fear or frustration or irritation that may impact on someones reply...but it's good always to remember - this is SR - we're a community and a family.

I find it best to try and draft my responses and read posts in that spirit

Like others have said - if there are any problems with other posters or other posts - do consider use of the ignore function, or do consider reporting the post if you think it breaks the rules.

we have well over 100 thousand members and maybe a couple of dozen forum staff all up.

We need your help to sort out stuff.

Someone said to me yesterday they never report stuff cos they're not a teenager - I hope that's a minority view - this is your community too, guys.

D

soberhawk

I did understand it that way maybe I am just not curious enough.

LuLu13

I get more upset when someone with limited sobriety time gets judgmental and holier than thou. If someone with a month, two, or even a year gets self righteous I find it incredulous. If, however, someone with years of sobriety under their belt gets tough I believe it carries more weight. Scare tactics work for some but not all, have to know your audience which is tough on a message board.

tootsl1

I try very hard to be as positive as I can in my responses on a thread. I also 'own' what I say, rather than just tell some one what I feel they ought to do. In one situation however it was pointed out by a later poster, that my words could be ( and in his case certainly were) misconstrued. I responded by apologising immediately for any perceived offence and also pm'd the original writer, as I had no wish to frighten him from the site. I know how fragile our egos are, I also know how easily- without body language and tone of voice as indicators- our words can be misconstrued. We are not professional counsellors here, and some will have their own agendas, I feel, we all should consider what we write before we press send. There have been instances I have deleted a long post, having decided after all it was not in the best interest of the intended. I have also recognised that sometimes, I do not have the necessary patience with a particular poster and withdraw from the thread.

ScottFromWI

I would argue that being judgmental or "holier than thou" is never OK, even if someone has 100 years of sobriety.

And it's very possible to give someone some "tough love" or give them a nudge without being judgmental, belittling or calling them out.

I'd also argue that it's just as dangerous to keep the kid gloves on all day and let someone continually relapse as it is to saying something they don't want to hear.

Dee74

I've removed some personal responses.

These threads are not platforms for personal disagreements. Thanks.

D

Nuudawn

Agreed Midnight. I am of the opinion that abusive, belittling, judgmental and critical comments say much more about the person dishing them then the person receiving them.

In emotional sobriety (which is my continuous and arduous intent that may take many years), I hope to eventually stand strong as an oak neither wounded by the words of broken others nor inflated to arrogance by strokes of praise.

I too did not see the thread in question.

silentrun

I am so impressed by the people on here who relapse and have the stones to come on here and be honest about it. Give yourself credit for that. That takes a lot more guts then sharing a success (equally important though) I think we do have to be careful with our words in that situation. Besides the OP there are probably lurkers in a similar situation too afraid to post. I know in my early days I was an emotional mess and even the "thanks" button could send me over the edge. (I am finally so over the thanks button)
So Riky your posts are probably helping a lot of people that you don't even know about. Keep it up. I went back and found that post. You got a lot of support and that one post was rough. That guy has a "my story" on here. You should read it and you might be able to understand him some. Congrats on your day 3.

LadyBlue0527

Hi trikyriky,

Message boards and text messages are sometimes hard to read. There's nothing sitting there in front of you but words. You have no tone, no inflection, no body language, nothing that tells you exactly where that person is in their own heads at that the moment. That, in turn, leaves it up for you to interpret it in any manner that you wish.

I've come to find that in many instances how I deal with posts on relapses, success, or anything in general when I'm reading words has a lot to do with where my own head is on any given day. I've posted things and then reread them days later and was boggled, coming to realize that I didn't quite deliver the message in the way that I intended. I've had arguments start between my husband and I over text messages that were read in an incompletely incorrect way.

It's possible that the person that posted to you might have had a bad day. If they weren't then they were pretty raw if it states what you said.

It's really too bad that some people don't realize when they're not in the right frame of mind and just not post. I don't find anything wrong with calling someone out, I've done it. However, I've tried to chose my words carefully.

It should never be forgotten that regardless of how many relapses someone has they are still here and they're still trying. If they truly didn't want to quit they just wouldn't be here at all. In the same respect if relapses are consistent it should be expected that there are going to be questions such as what the plan is. What will be done next time so that it doesn't happen again?

This board would be rendered somewhat useless if all relapse post replies were nothing more than "that's ok, just try again". That helps no one.

I'm glad that you're here and hope that you realize that there are a large percentage of people who care very much and want to see you succeed!

Dee74

Lets keep things general, folks,

If discussion focuses particularly on another thread, I'll have to shut this one down because that's not the way we do things here.

D

Br00ksie

Agreed! I have both given and received tough love on this site. When I feel myself cringing or getting defensive at someone's response to my post, I look read it several more times until I have come to terms with what about the post bothered me, which is usually associated with a revelation of some truth that I knew but hadn't faced or sufficiently processed. People on SR want the best for you, and sound advice can't always be sugar-coated.

wakko

There is nothing anyone can say that will make drink or not drink because that is my choice and my choice alone. I do believe that when something gets my knickers in a knot I need to get honest with myself because usually if it hurts it is because it is an area of my life I do not want to look at.

The hard facts are untreated alcoholism usually ends in dead either dlrectly or indirectly. I have a sense.of urgency because I have lost far too many. I have been told if someone wants to get sober it is hard to say anything wrong but if they are not ready you can not say anything right

Fandy

Riky, I wish you the best at being clean and sober this evening and tomorrow.

you can see what is going one here (lots of different little opinions), take a step back and focus on yourself....4 days coming up is a great start, and I hope you can stay with us.....Have you talked to Impurrfect (Amy) she is clean for 6.5 YEARS from crack and just had a dream about smoking it last night, she posted about it. she is a wealth of knowledge and has a terrific attitude.

I'll "see" you in the am for coffee, have a peaceful sane night.