Acheleus

So I have figured out that one thing that triggers my drinking is being envious of other who have things I do not have, or who have worked hard to have things and I get mad at myself for being a lazy drunk for so many years. So I taught today and now I am eating lunch, I have some reading to do later, and I will try to watch some television and relax. Yesterday I felt scared and alone, I called my dad today, but he seems to be scared or nervous when I tell him how bad I am feeling. So, I am working on just existing today and not worrying about being an alcoholic, or a lazy person--I am just happy to be sober today, and I am happy to be able to have a roof over my head and a paying job. So thanks to everyone on SR and I hope you all are feeling good in your journey to sobriety. I'm seeing my doctor on Thursday and a new doctor on Friday, so I hope to get some help with my anxiety, which has been through the roof recently. Tonight I just want to give myself the time to be by myself and focus on what I can do to get to where I want to be, so I do not have to be jealous of other people anymore. I just want to be happy with me, and I am ready to work on improving my self. Not drinking is just one part of my plan for self-improvement and self-care. Today I am thinking about how important it is for me to like myself, and to accept myself for who I am. Counting days sober is too nerve wracking for me and I get all caught up in the time, so I am just focusing on not drinking today, and tomorrow I will focus on not drinking. Maybe I will take a walk tonight. Even though I don't have any friends I have no one to blame but myself and my drinking, because I push people away when I sense someone trying to get close to me. These crying spells have come over me late at night over the past few days, but I am trying to just accept how alone I feel and try to find ways to get close to people.

Flying4Life

Good for you! Accepting yourself as you are is very important. I am also working on just being sober instead of obsessing over it all the time. Best wishes!

Raider

Acheleus - you're not alone. You have all of us. Keep posting.

Acheleus

Thank you guys.

Tonight I hope to get some sleep, I just stayed awake and ran through horrible things that might happen to me. I'm 27 years old, soon to be 28, and I just feel like I am one thousand years old, I don't relate to people my age, and I look so much older. I'm trying to forget about this and wait for long term sobriety to maybe help with my appearance. Everywhere I go I feel humiliated and terrified of what people think of me, and I just want to start over, I guess, or move on and feel content. I'm so tired and sleepy so maybe I just need to get some sleep and start on a normal sleeping schedule instead of being tired all the time from not getting enough sleep.

I'm thinking I have messed up something inside of me that will never get better, and I have a part of me that is bent on self-destruction and being hopeless. All I want is to have one day during which I don't feel scared that I am going to drop dead or lose my mind. My fear and anxiety are really hurting me now, and I just want to lock myself away so I can't get any alcohol. Maybe I should move to a dry county.

Lightning Bug

You are SO WORTH the effort you are making on your journey. Amazing changes are coming and you should feel awesome that you are the driving force behind it. Be kind to yourself. Accept the feelings that are are engulfing you right now because they will make you stronger. They will help you to become well.

Acheleus

Thank you. I just don't want to feel scared any longer. All I can do is cry and feel alone, I just need a good kick in the butt! I'm awfully tired and hope I can get a whole night's worth of sleep. Stress from school and work is hurting me, but I am trying to deal with it.

Lightning Bug

What are you the most scared of? What keeps you up at night?

Acheleus

Getting older and uglier. Being alone and never getting married or having a family. Not being to find a job or finish school. Frightened that I will never find and do what I want to do, and not something that I think will impress someone else.

Being physically sick and living with cancer, cirrhosis, gout, diabetes. I'm even scared to go into the grocery store because I am alone and feel like I cannot take care of my self.

Lots of student loans I will not be able to repay. Never seeing my mother again since I quit talking to her because she was an addict/alcoholic and abusive. My dad, who is 74, dying and leaving me totally alone because I do not know anyone else in my family, and I try to establish contact with them but they don't like me because mother is crazy. Epileptic and other bad stuff.

Succumbing to suicide like my grandparents did and one of aunts. Trying to figure out if I feel this way when I am young, how is it going to be better when I am older? Teaching really makes me miserable, and young people (18-19) are strange. Alcohol has kicked my butt up and down the block, and I am tired of tangling with it, I want to surrender--but I am afraid it will eat me alive.

Not being able to find a higher power and get some spiritual connection with the universe.

Being crazy with my mother, not having the guts to turn myself into a writer by trying to write for a newspaper, teach creative writing, etc. Being afraid to take a stand and do something for myself.

And on and on and on...

Lightning Bug

You have a big list, but it is not unmanageable. Consider what in your list can be worked on right now. You can't control dying or strange teenagers. So, what can you control right now?

You can work to make yourself physically better. By working with your doctors and following their guidance, you can build your body back up so that you are strong enough to face life.

You can work on your current emotional and spiritual states. Have you seen a mental health professional, psychiatrist, or therapist? You can work with medication, behavioral therapies, or have one-on-one counseling sessions to work through you issues with your Mother.

You can work on your financial situation by building budgets to make sure you will be able to afford your student loans while maintaining an appropriate standard of living.

Fears are harder to overcome, but by accomplishing things in your sphere of control, you can start to feel safer in your life because you are making progress.

Think of yourself like a pie. There are slices to you that you can take out and work on. Physical. Emotional. Spiritual. Financial. Academic. Employment. You can do it slowly so that you do it in a non-threatening manner. Work on the things that you have control over, turn the rest over to your higher power.

Acheleus

Yes I have tried meds but they make me worse and I cannot think on them, and I have bad side effects. I have tried celexa and wellbutrin recently. Years ago I tried fluoxetine and lexapro. All of the them make me feel strange, and I cannot function on them. Maybe I can go for a walk tonight and that will help me feel better. I'm not sure why I feel so overwhelmed, I just do not trust anyone in the world and I feel totally alone. All I want to do is go to sleep and not wake up to this life I hate and everyday is painful. But I can't complain anymore, I have to do something. Maybe a walk is the best thing I can do right now.

Acheleus

I just feel so crazy and I guess it is because I have not slept in a day, and I don't want to feel psychotic anymore. Why is my anxiety so bad? Why do I have to be alone all the time and why can't I function like a normal person? All I want is a quiet place in my head but it is awful in there. I'm getting to the point where I don't care about anything else except getting sober. **** school and everything else, I just wish I had the family and time and support to devote myself to recovery. I'm overwhelmed with everything at school/work and it makes me miserable. Going to try and sleep.

foolsgold66

Ach, how long have you had a problem with alcohol? Have you always felt this messed up, since you were a young person, or is it more recent? It really seems to me that you need to take some pressure off yourself and get some help with your mental state.

Dee74

The problem with that is that there's no room for resolution - we were drunks and we did waste years and no amount of mental energy can change that

We're not like that now tho - and we really can make a future that we're proud to live.

I'm glad to see you're thinking about it along similar lines Ach

D

Acheleus

I have always had depression and anxiety, it runs in my family. Both sides are alcoholic/mentally ill. School is putting a lot of pressure on me, I just started teaching for the first time and it is very draining, takes up a lot of time, and is kind of scary too. I'm going to try and sleep. The stress level is too high for me, and I really don't know what to do to help myself. Not drinking is at least giving me a shot at thinking clearly after a while. I'm just all messed up and have no one to talk to, don't really know where to turn. Trying to just watch tv and relax, but I cannot enjoy myself. Part of me just wants to drop out of school and get a regular job so I don't have to deal with the pressure of grad school.

ScottFromWI

A "regular" job will have just as much stress as Grad school Ach, most likely more stress. At some point you need to learn to deal with stress rather than just wanting to escape. You also mentioned in this thread that you have no friends or no one to talk to. What about everyone here? What about your doctor? What about counselors at your school?

Bottom line, and we've been here before, you have absolutely got to get off the self-pity train. You also mentioned that the meds you've been given didnt work. Did you quit taking them again? I certainly hope not without consulting your doctor.

Acheleus

Thanks Scott. Going to sleep and going to make a to do list in the morning.

ScottFromWI

Sound like a great idea Ach. Things will look better in the morning, and making a list always helped me too. We want you to get better - help us help you and have a good night.

BigShoe

Thinking good thoughts for you. Peace

happyhour

ach, we all think we are losing our minds, going crazy sometimes. one of the biggest things for me, and why i am thankful for SR, is that others feel the same way as me, and you and we are not alone.

when, i struggle the most is when i am alone, isolated, in my head and thinking ... "i'm the only one who thinks and feels this way" but, that is just not true. you're just honest about it. tomorrow will be better, something about a new day brings perspective.

EndGameNYC

I don't see any room in there to live your own life. That's what seems most terrifying to you. You seem to be living other people's past lives. And as long as you keep alive the ghosts of your past, there's little that will satisfy you in the present. So just do another Acheleus makeover, and take it on the road...landing in yet another strange and lonely town, being preoccupied with a new group of "cruel, greedy animals," all of whom devote their precious time to insulting you, both in your presence, and when you're not around.

Your dark life seems like a black hole, creating a rift in space-time. The negative gravitational pull is so powerful that not even light itself can escape, or survive once inside.

None of us gives up fear easily or without a fight. If we let go of our fear, then we're faced with the terrifying prospect of nothingness taking it's place. Better fear than an eternal emptiness that's even empty of emptiness; and even a schitty boat is good in a storm.

We stare into the abyss and the abyss ignores us. Being untethered from a painful reality, one in which we experience swings of ambivalence, fear and despair, always sets us loose, but rarely sets us free. All our beliefs, our planning, our good work...it all seems to mean nothing in the end, with the final thief, death, waiting in the wings to extinguish any sense of meaning in our lives.

Life is cruel. Letting go of fear is terrifying. But it also allows us to accept ambiguity, the arch-nemesis of making good plans and doing things "the right way." Only when we let go of our fear are we able to first accept ambiguity, and then embrace it. After all, the only meaning in our lives is the meaning we either create or discover. We can't get it on Amazon, from a job, a lover, a style of life, or from the accumulation of achievements and good deeds.

You've gotten a tremendous amount of help and support here, as well as several very good suggestions. You ask for help, but you seem incapable of accepting it when it's so freely given. It seems that it's time you started worker harder on creating a better life for yourself than we have.