Acheleus

So I have become scared of alcohol and the voice inside me that tells me to drink. I am also scared of failing in school, not being able to get a job, and ending up homeless. I think of where to go in town where there are big dumpsters behind grocery stores. And I think of bridges I can sleep under if it rains. In other words, I feel hopeless, and this bleak outlook takes me to a dark place. Sometimes I wonder how I have ended up looking so tired and sad, like I have beaten myself up. When I moved to go to school last year I felt so confident and excited, but now I have made no friends, all I have time for is work and school, and I feel like my life is passing me by. All I want is long term recovery so I can heal, but somehow I keep letting myself down. I am really dying on the inside and no one in my life even asks me if I am ok. But maybe they do not see how I am screaming inside for companionship and acceptance. I do not want to drink, and I thank the universe that I do not have cravings, but everyone in this town drinks and when someone invites me somewhere alcohol is always in the picture. So, I have deleted all the numbers in my phone and I have decided to just stay in the library, at work, and my apartment. But I keep feeling worse, and I do not think I can take medication. I just cried today and asked out loud what is wrong with me, why do I worry all the time, why can't appreciate what I have and how much life I have ahead of me? I just feel like I am falling into a black hole.

And I am even scared of alcohol commercials. I just do not want to be paralyzed by fear any longer.

ZoeM

Hey... breathe in ....breathe out... Firstly, education is never wasted and you have forever in sobriety, to build new friendships and relationships
With regards to 'becoming homeless', well even from here I can help with that, as I have friends in NC who run a fantastic shelter (ok, so they're a bit religious, but hey), so EVEN if the worse came to the worst and that is highly unlikely, then I, or others on here, could help.

You can breathe OUT now

StevenT

All I have to say is read my story - you can find in in my blog, under my name on the left hand side. I found myself in what you said, you might find yourself in my story.

I'm no longer where I was, and you can be too.

llastchance8

Hello Acheleus,

You mentioned that you do not have cravings and you thanked Universe for that. However, you want comanionship and you want to feel being accepted. You also fear alcohol commercials. So it is the enviroment causing for triggers. All of these will not change, if you just remain in library and apartment. It is like gravity.. The further we go away from earth the gravitational force gets more strong and will pull us down with more power.. I feel the best way is not to fight it and not try to swim against th current. It is better to swim across the current. Means, you need to find some hobbies, intrests, activities whichever you like.. It may lead you to the environment and circle of friends where booze is not present. However, there is a possibility that alcohol will still be around for whatever hobby you choose. But if you make the hobby as passion for life, it will override all the fears and you will not even notice ,if thousands of gallons of alcohol is around you.. I have been through this and it helped me.. Try it out.. Wish you best of luck.

Acheleus

That makes sense. I can practice flowing with the "enemy." Maybe stress from work is bothering me. I never get enough sleep, I think that is a problem.

13unluckyforsom

You really need to find a method to help you relax - I hear so much anxiety in your posts - what are you studying at school?

Acheleus

I am in graduate school in the humanities. Tons of reading, presenting, teaching, trying to write articles, ridiculous competition. I have no time for myself. So I think school is really hurting me psychologically. Before I came to school I was working outside, not drinking, and feeling happy. Now I just feel inadequate if I take time to myself to watch a movie or something. My depression and anxiety have skyrocketed since being in school, and I feel so bad about myself. Most of my problem is grad school. But I have to print out 42 copies of a paper assignment for my students, grade a bunch of quizzes, and do laundry and read between six in the morning and one in the afternoon, then I have to teach for two hours, then go to class for two hours. Then I have to start writing a paper on Thurs. I just want to relax and not worry about failure. And two people have to observe me teach. Dreading that. I just get drunk to forget about how bad it feels to be evaluated all the time, and to shut off my brain. I just want a regular 9 to 5 job, and I want to go back home. The only family I have is my dad and he does not understand what all this is like.


But I did not drink today, and I am proud of myself.

ZoeM

How about writing down everything that you need to do in a day, and then dividing it up into manageable chunks? eg 1pm -2pm = mark assignments ; 2pm-3pm have a break.. etc
I find that helps if I have loads to do and am spinning in circles trying to fit it all in.

james872

I think this fear can be your friend. It will keep you sober. Over time it will probably reach a more useful level. I'd be happy to have it be there as heavily as it is to make an impression. Eventually it'll be a useful fear at the right intensity.

Some fears are useful and necessary.

As for what your life's like now. That will change. You'll see that once you live sober for a longer time, you'll make new friends that match with the sober you. You'll find new hobbies, activities. Life gets easier and more fun.

It's a process. What you're going through is part of it. It gets better and good, great even, eventually.

soberclover

I know you have a busy schedule right now...however, what are you doing for counseling/talk therapy? IMHO you need to be talking to a psychiatrist about medication...not your GP. Not that GPs can't be wonderful people but a psychiatrist has further knowledge about mental health issues/addiction and the latest and greatest on medications. It took me a few tries before I found a medication that worked for me. Every 5 years or so I generally have to try something different as it seems to stop working. Your words of fading away and dying on the inside are dark. You are doing some awesome awesome awesome work on your sobriety. For many of us we also have to do some work to address our mental health issues. This is going to work out.

Acheleus

Well I am going to start a new hobby of collecting old game systems. Not really sure why. I am going to see the psychistrist next week. I am taking buspar and wellbutrin, but they make me feel strange.

Ptcapote

Hey Ach, sorry you're feeling bad again. I agree with Zoe and a few of the others about taking one thing at a time and not snowballing everything into one panic-inducing chunk of life. I was also a master at allowing my mind to go racing ahead and envisioning scenarios like you laid out above and doing the "OMG, OMG, OMG," thing ad infinitum. Part of it was the vicious depression/anxiety spiral that, untreated and treated sporadically, was just getting worse. Throw some alcohol on that pyre and I could work myself into a full blown panic attack.

Here's the thing: You have got to give the antidepressants/antianxiety meds some time to work. I know you know this but it can take up to six weeks for that stuff to regulate in your system. Stopping and starting it is about as beneficial as stopping and starting any other drug...i.e. not at all. Of course if it is making you feel so depressed or anxious that you feel like hurting yourself you need to get to your Doc ASAP. I am also on Wellbutrin and it made me feel kind of strange for about a month and then it evened out and now, honestly, it has made a world of difference in my life. Stopping drinking has too, of course.

Also, are you exercising? I know how lame that question sounds but getting some physical activity going will take you out of your head and break that nasty cycle of awfulizing. Finally, and I don't mean to sound all crunchy and hippy on ya, have you thought about flipping some of those thoughts into ones of gratitude? My therapist suggested that to me in the beginning and I was like, "Yeah, OK, you live in my head with all the awful things that could happen..." and then I realized she was right. I DID have a roof over my head, I DID have something to eat that night, I DID have my health...like that. I started small because I was too enmeshed in my own drama to do much more but I am telling you, it is a magic practice. It counterbalances all the awfulizing and helps bring a modicum of perspective and some positivity to the darkness.

Anyway, long post and I am sorry for that but I worry because you don't seem to be breaking free from this depression/anxiety loop you're in. I think making a committment to stay on meds long enough to really see if they work for you or not is key. As is SoberClover's suggestion about getting a psychiatrist trained in this rather than a GP.

Thinking of you, Ach. You're one of my favorite people here and it kills me to know you're hurting. It's going to be OK though...it will. Please post later and let us know how it's going.

((Huge Hug)))

Acheleus

Going off to teach later and then to a long class. The meds make my head foggy and grad school is hard enough as it is. I will keep taking them and ask my shrink what to do about my symptoms. I just want to stay in bed all the time and I will make myself walk tonight.

ZoeM

You can do it Acheleus - we're all behind ya

hayley86

I am sorry you are having such a tough time. Everything must seem very overwhelming. Stay strong.......you are doing great with your sobriety. Things will get better.

Acheleus

At school and about to teach. I hate it here, I dread coming here everyday. I have wasted two years of my life in this stupid place. I hate the people here and God I just want to go home but I cannot leave until Seven. Why do I keep doing things that make me miserable, like drinking? I hate ******* college towns with all the bars and stupid kids. Man I do not know why I hate coming to this building every day. I should have an office but this horrible person always takes up my space. Maybe instead of drinking I can take roxys or demerol or something else to deal with all this misery. Not sure why I cannot ever be in a good mood. And I took the meds over the past days but they only make me feel worse so I am going to a regular doctor to get something for anxiety that will work. In undergrad I was given Ativan, something that actually helped.

Acheleus

I may just let the students go early so I can go hide somewhere before my long stupid class. I just hate all this work and I do not know how to teach, I cannot even think straight I have no business teaching other people. I just want to do something that I like, and I want to be able to work for myself one day. Maybe I need to just grow up or either drop out and do something that makes me happy. All I want is a drug that will make me numb. I do not think the psych meds help, I think they make me worse.

ScottFromWI

That may not be far from the Truth Ach. At some point you do need to take some responsibility for all of your self hate and self pity. There is no magic drug or treatment plan that will magically make everything better, in fact most illicit drugs will make everything worse, alcohol included.

Perhaps you should consult with the doctor that gave you the meds in the first place and let him/her know why you quit taking them. They may be able to explain why they initially make you feel out of sorts.

Bottom line on all this though is nothing will help you until you stop hating yourself and feeling sorry for yourself.

FourSeasons

Dear Acheleus, you have mentioned many times in many posts that you wish you could do something that you like and something that makes you happy. Do you know what that something is? Perhaps it is not teaching or grad school and that is okay. But if it is not that then what is it?

Acheleus

Sorry. I will try to help myself. Class was not that bad. I always make things out to be worse than they are, and I need to eat breakfast and lunch and get on a sleep schedule.

Thank you Scott.