Day 2, This **** sucks.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Redlands, California
Posts: 8
Day 2, This **** sucks.
In my first post, I forgot to mention that I am starting a business with "Baby Daddy". Basically, the way that it works for us, since he is more knowledgeable in the filed than I am, he does the leg work and I supply the funds. With any business, our starting costs have more than doubled what they were budgeted to be. While I try to tell myself it's all going to pay off, my life isn't as comfortable as I had planned it to be, which causes me a great deal of anxiety. Budget is not in his vocabulary, which is one of the other reasons we did not work out. However, in this business venture, we have accepted our roles. This week is a very important week for us as we are approaching our deadline.
The two year old, is acting her age and has been doing so for the last month. Normally, she's a very sweet, mild tempered gift from whomever your God is, but lately, she has been demon spawned out of the depths of hell. Today, the offspring and I spent the day with my best friend and her six, yes six, children. (I smell sex addiction. JK) Normally, when the kid acts up, BF can take her and she'll mellow out. She threw a tantrum in the store, kicked my best friend and whined just about anything. I know this is how they act and I remember this, however, I will not have a bratty, disrespectful child and I know if I don't set the boundaries now, I might as well just take her to the jail house myself. I needed to go to work today, so I can continue to keep our business and myself afloat, but being this stressed out, I did not want to go to a bar feeling this way. I called "Baby Daddy", let's name him Richard, or for short, Dick, (Ha! JK.) to take her early so I can unwind. He blew up on me to say the least. The end result was me not going to work, for the "bigger picture", and quite honestly, I shouldn't go in the mood that I am in. However, the anxiety of missing the money is still hovering.
I've also been eating all day. This worries me, as my weight is something that I need to keep level not only for myself but my job. As much as no one likes to admit, we live in a shallow world, and in my industry, my paycheck depends mostly on my "great personality" and being darn, good looking. Not, only that, I feel happier when I look in the mirror and like what I see. That was another benefit I enjoyed about drinking and binge drinking. I could control my appetite by drinking and then lose 10 pounds during a binge and keep it off for a few months. Horrible, I know. Remember, this is a judgement free zone. LOL! I'm going to control this by working out longer, as I won't be hungover and not push as hard.
Lastly, I came home for the first time since Saturday. Just the thought of having to really the face the music was enough to cause even more anxiety. As I am writing, this post I feel more relived and Dick, I mean BD even called to apologize and we are meeting for dinner later. Not to worry, I have already accustomed myself to not drinking during dinner with him as I have "supposedly" been sober.
Thanks, for reading my novel and it truly feels amazing to get all of this off my chest. It's also amazing that she-devil is asleep because I was under the impression that the devil never sleeps.
***I hope you understand the sarcasm. I love my baby***
The two year old, is acting her age and has been doing so for the last month. Normally, she's a very sweet, mild tempered gift from whomever your God is, but lately, she has been demon spawned out of the depths of hell. Today, the offspring and I spent the day with my best friend and her six, yes six, children. (I smell sex addiction. JK) Normally, when the kid acts up, BF can take her and she'll mellow out. She threw a tantrum in the store, kicked my best friend and whined just about anything. I know this is how they act and I remember this, however, I will not have a bratty, disrespectful child and I know if I don't set the boundaries now, I might as well just take her to the jail house myself. I needed to go to work today, so I can continue to keep our business and myself afloat, but being this stressed out, I did not want to go to a bar feeling this way. I called "Baby Daddy", let's name him Richard, or for short, Dick, (Ha! JK.) to take her early so I can unwind. He blew up on me to say the least. The end result was me not going to work, for the "bigger picture", and quite honestly, I shouldn't go in the mood that I am in. However, the anxiety of missing the money is still hovering.
I've also been eating all day. This worries me, as my weight is something that I need to keep level not only for myself but my job. As much as no one likes to admit, we live in a shallow world, and in my industry, my paycheck depends mostly on my "great personality" and being darn, good looking. Not, only that, I feel happier when I look in the mirror and like what I see. That was another benefit I enjoyed about drinking and binge drinking. I could control my appetite by drinking and then lose 10 pounds during a binge and keep it off for a few months. Horrible, I know. Remember, this is a judgement free zone. LOL! I'm going to control this by working out longer, as I won't be hungover and not push as hard.
Lastly, I came home for the first time since Saturday. Just the thought of having to really the face the music was enough to cause even more anxiety. As I am writing, this post I feel more relived and Dick, I mean BD even called to apologize and we are meeting for dinner later. Not to worry, I have already accustomed myself to not drinking during dinner with him as I have "supposedly" been sober.
Thanks, for reading my novel and it truly feels amazing to get all of this off my chest. It's also amazing that she-devil is asleep because I was under the impression that the devil never sleeps.
***I hope you understand the sarcasm. I love my baby***
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Redlands, California
Posts: 8
Yes, I am aware. I helped raise two that weren't mine in my teenage years. Which is why I never wanted one. Apparently, subconsciously, I had her to save me. I probably would be dead or close to it, if I didn't have her to hold onto. While I am no where close to recovered, I've come a long way from the height of my alcoholism. I drank a liter of vodka a day before.
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 7,097
You sounds like you've a lot of pressure in your life
Maybe break things down and concentrate on each bit at a time.
2 year olds can be difficult.Maybe she just wants your attention. For me drinking made my tolerance levels,anxiety and stress so much worse. You'll probably find by getting sober you'll find it easier to deal with your daughter. By being sober you'll be present and a better parent.
Your body will be out of whack in the early weeks, Listen to what it needs, food wise. Nothing is more important than your sobriety.
If your bf is no good at budgeting and bad with money do be careful about injecting funds into his business. Is it money you can afford to lose? If it's causing you extra banxiety maybe put it off for a fewmonths till you're more secure in your sobriety
Maybe break things down and concentrate on each bit at a time.
2 year olds can be difficult.Maybe she just wants your attention. For me drinking made my tolerance levels,anxiety and stress so much worse. You'll probably find by getting sober you'll find it easier to deal with your daughter. By being sober you'll be present and a better parent.
Your body will be out of whack in the early weeks, Listen to what it needs, food wise. Nothing is more important than your sobriety.
If your bf is no good at budgeting and bad with money do be careful about injecting funds into his business. Is it money you can afford to lose? If it's causing you extra banxiety maybe put it off for a fewmonths till you're more secure in your sobriety
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Long Beach, CA
Posts: 705
Dealing with a two year old so early in your sobriety has got to be rough. I had "Irish Triplets", 3 son's in 3 years, and it was pretty hard. Keep up your great sense of humor...it will help lots. Deep breaths and plenty of Disney Princesses. It'll get better soon.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Redlands, California
Posts: 8
I do have a lot of pressure but at the same time I am happier with the challenges expect when I bite off more than I can chew, which I tend to do often. I guess I just want to be super woman. I had a life where I was taken care of and didn't have a care in the world. I was more miserable then than I am now. However, I wasn't an alcoholic then. Gotta figure that one out I guess.
Alcohol at first helped. Having a glass of wine relaxed me and made me more patient. It started with two and then after she went to sleep the rest of the bottle. Then, because I had spread myself so thin with my obligations, working became my release and my time for myself. Then came more drinking and more money. Eventually, it came to the point where I would make excuses as to why I couldn't get the baby after work so I could continue the party. I am 25 but a believer in if you make the choice you must deal with the result. I don't believe in part time parenting, but here I am doing it which is why I need to stop.
I have always been very ambitious and already took three years off partying and being a serious alcoholic order to "act my age". Once I took everything on, I finally feel like I'm myself again after that super rough period and becoming a mom. I had an identity crisis. I was supposed to be a corporate power woman and here I was knee deep in poop, talking about butt cream with other moms who only identified themselves through their children. I'm now ok being known as her mom, but my own independence is still a large portion of my happiness. Which that's what I thought my drinking would do for me.
She loves Barney not the princesses. Watching that show on repeat alone requires a drink.
Alcohol at first helped. Having a glass of wine relaxed me and made me more patient. It started with two and then after she went to sleep the rest of the bottle. Then, because I had spread myself so thin with my obligations, working became my release and my time for myself. Then came more drinking and more money. Eventually, it came to the point where I would make excuses as to why I couldn't get the baby after work so I could continue the party. I am 25 but a believer in if you make the choice you must deal with the result. I don't believe in part time parenting, but here I am doing it which is why I need to stop.
I have always been very ambitious and already took three years off partying and being a serious alcoholic order to "act my age". Once I took everything on, I finally feel like I'm myself again after that super rough period and becoming a mom. I had an identity crisis. I was supposed to be a corporate power woman and here I was knee deep in poop, talking about butt cream with other moms who only identified themselves through their children. I'm now ok being known as her mom, but my own independence is still a large portion of my happiness. Which that's what I thought my drinking would do for me.
She loves Barney not the princesses. Watching that show on repeat alone requires a drink.
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