Losing
EndGame
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 4,677
Originally Posted by Acheleus 
Nothing matters to me right now, and i feel like I will never find something I can love and that makes me happy. I hate teaching, and I hate school right now, and I hate the people in my program because they all can drink and are not alcoholics like me. Being alone in this apartment is driving me crazy, and I am so embarrassed about being a drunken idiot and sharing things about my family with people in my program who will talk about me behind my back about my mom being in prison and then on disability, or my dad losing everything he owned, or my grandparents and one of my aunts killing themselves. I don't know what to do and I just want to leave this place because I am so embarrassed. Tonight I just want to go to a club and dance, drink beer, and talk to people. I'm tired of isolating and feeling like a crazy person who has no friends and no hope. I'm probably going to the hospital if I keep having these panic attacks. I keep pulling my hair out too. How in the hell can people be so calm and just live? I worry every second and I always have, I am sick of it. 
Seems that no matter what road we take, we end up in the same place. Disconnecting from AA is probably not a good idea, as Nuudawn suggested. I'm also not hearing about how you're doing in therapy; just updates on your world and the people in it closing in on you.
You're in a terrible place. The reality you've constructed is like being locked in a haunted house, with new ghosts and old. It's scary enough walking through a haunted house with people who care about you; doing it alone is a nightmare. As others have done, I would challenge your perceptions of people and what you imagine they think/feel/say about you. It's futile to reject someone who offers you bread when you're hungry because you imagine people are innately bad, and that the person making the offering is only interested in making you sicker.
All the good support you've gotten here seems not to have helped. Raise your hand, approach someone in AA you think you might trust, but for god's sakes, you have to begin trusting someone.
On the psych meds...Our bodies' first contact with meds usually manifests as side effects, indicating that our central nervous system is adapting to the change. They are often temporary, and/or wane in intensity with time. I too have noticed that you seem much worse when off the meds than otherwise.
Nothing is impossible!
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: EAGAN
Posts: 792
Originally Posted by Acheleus
I feel like I am fading away. The medications for anxiety and depression made me feel forgetful and foggy-headed, so I am not taking them anymore. I will go to a GP and not a shrink and try to get something for anxiety that is not psych med. Sometimes I feel like I need to go to the hospital, I just feel so sick of being an alcoholic and my life is over. Every second today has been painful and I don't know what to do, I tried talking to my dad but I don't think he likes talking about this kind of stuff. At least when I drank I could feel happy for a few hours. I might just go have a cigarette and see if that makes me feel better. I just don't want to hate my life anymore. Sorry to complain but I feel like I need to go back home or leave school. But I can't give up. It's just so dark today and I guess it is because I quit the medication. Nothing matters to me right now, and i feel like I will never find something I can love and that makes me happy. I hate teaching, and I hate school right now, and I hate the people in my program because they all can drink and are not alcoholics like me. Being alone in this apartment is driving me crazy, and I am so embarrassed about being a drunken idiot and sharing things about my family with people in my program who will talk about me behind my back about my mom being in prison and then on disability, or my dad losing everything he owned, or my grandparents and one of my aunts killing themselves. I don't know what to do and I just want to leave this place because I am so embarrassed. Tonight I just want to go to a club and dance, drink beer, and talk to people. I'm tired of isolating and feeling like a crazy person who has no friends and no hope. I'm probably going to the hospital if I keep having these panic attacks. I keep pulling my hair out too. How in the hell can people be so calm and just live? I worry every second and I always have, I am sick of it.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 1,920
Sorry for being so off. I will take the meds and wait to see a doctor. I really do not know why I make things up in my head. Thank you for rational words. I am tired of being mean to me, I want to care about me and feel calm.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Clifton
Posts: 243
They LOVE you in AA. We newcomers keep the older members going, we r the reason they meet... Because we r newcomers today but tomorrow that next person becomes a newcomer. Stay strong ... I am praying for you tonight.
Faith and reason
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: London
Posts: 941
Glad that you're seeking out a GP to see, Ach. Give the meds time to start working this time. Discuss with your doctor what you can do to feel better during the adjustment period for the meds.
Like others have said, you're projecting. There is no way under the sun we can know for sure what people think of us unless they tell us. If you want a meeting with younger people, try to find one by going to as many different meetings as you can get to. It's actually quite interesting to try out different types of meeting.
My first two attempts at recovery ended with me drinking because I wasn't prepared to put recovery above everything else. It was only when I realised that I would lose all those things anyway if I didn't make recovery my priority that I was able to give sobriety a real chance and actually start enjoying it. At 58 days, I'm so glad I'm making the choice to put sobriety first. It positively affects everything else in my life I was worried about neglecting.
Set the timer on your phone for 10 minutes and read for those ten minutes. When those ten minutes are up, you'll probably want to carry on reading anyway.
Originally Posted by Acheleus
No they are all old and they look at me like I do not belong there.
Originally Posted by Acheleus
I can't do this recovery stuff and be in grad school at the same time. Grad school takes up all of my time, and I feel like I am losing my mind. I will go back to meetings, but godamn I hate being who I am I just want to be a normal person. I will try not to think that everyone hates me.
Originally Posted by Acheleus
Trying to read for class but I have so much to read.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 480
I'll add my .02 Ach:
1. If the meeting you went to really is all old people, go to different ones (if you'll notice, that's plural) and keep going. In one area I lived, a newcomer would be surrounded after a meeting, ushered along out to coffee, etc. Not so where I live now. I had to keep going, I had to share what was going on, I got a phone list, etc. There actually was a meeting with 4 old cowboys who really did exude hostility, lol - they clearly did not want me there. So, I don't know if your discomfort at that meeting is real or perceived but if the feeling stays after several meetings ('several' meaning at least FIVE), then try another one. Try all kinds. Try BB studies, Back 2 Basics (now my 2 favs), beginner meetings, etc.
2. If you can, get some AA tapes. I can't tell you how many times, already, I've been in a funk and listening to these folks is not only inspirational, but helps me to know I'm not alone, bizarre, beyond help, etc. You can also listen to many on YouTube; one of my favorites is Bob D - here's one: Bob D. - AA Speaker - 12-Step Recovery Part 1 (Unmanagable life, Steps 2 and 3) - YouTube
3. Get some freaking support. I mean this very seriously. We humans are tribal, herd animals. We are not meant to go it alone; we're not wired to go it alone. Isolation goes against our very hard-wiring. Going it alone, in and of itself, would cause anxiety, agitation, depression, disorientation (you can see this happen in zoos with herd animals when they're forced to 'go it alone' - and they're just hanging out, they don't have the stresses that you and I have in this world - they go nuts; the social wiring is that much of an imperative). GET. SUPPORT. NOW. Counselor, AA meetings...the more the better. You can't get TOO MUCH. Your thinking will NOT change without support and tools to make it change.
4. And speaking of thinking: I know it's scary to be getting older, feeling like you're not getting better (had some very similar fears most of my life), but at 28 your brain is still pretty 'plastic' (as in neuroplasticity) - still very open to change. But you MUST get some support and tools to make that change occur.
5. I am extremely sensitive to medications and when the p-doc would start me out on even the lowest therapeutic dose, the side effects would slay me. We ended up having to start at 1/2 or even 1/4 of the therapeutic dose and very slowly increase it, if we did at all (I'm still on 3/4 of the lowest therapeutic dose on a medication - and it works). I'm not saying this'll work for you, not medical advice, just something you and your doc might consider.
HTH, Ach - something's gotta change here. And if nothing changes, well, nothing changes. Capice? Unfortunately, even when I feel like I'm in a powerless spin, it requires some action on my part to make a change (along with, hopefully, some divine orchestration assistance). I well remember feeling that paralyzing panic and feeling unable to do the things I needed to do to get support, but you've already made inroads toward that end, just keep going (to meetings, to the doc).
1. If the meeting you went to really is all old people, go to different ones (if you'll notice, that's plural) and keep going. In one area I lived, a newcomer would be surrounded after a meeting, ushered along out to coffee, etc. Not so where I live now. I had to keep going, I had to share what was going on, I got a phone list, etc. There actually was a meeting with 4 old cowboys who really did exude hostility, lol - they clearly did not want me there. So, I don't know if your discomfort at that meeting is real or perceived but if the feeling stays after several meetings ('several' meaning at least FIVE), then try another one. Try all kinds. Try BB studies, Back 2 Basics (now my 2 favs), beginner meetings, etc.
2. If you can, get some AA tapes. I can't tell you how many times, already, I've been in a funk and listening to these folks is not only inspirational, but helps me to know I'm not alone, bizarre, beyond help, etc. You can also listen to many on YouTube; one of my favorites is Bob D - here's one: Bob D. - AA Speaker - 12-Step Recovery Part 1 (Unmanagable life, Steps 2 and 3) - YouTube
3. Get some freaking support. I mean this very seriously. We humans are tribal, herd animals. We are not meant to go it alone; we're not wired to go it alone. Isolation goes against our very hard-wiring. Going it alone, in and of itself, would cause anxiety, agitation, depression, disorientation (you can see this happen in zoos with herd animals when they're forced to 'go it alone' - and they're just hanging out, they don't have the stresses that you and I have in this world - they go nuts; the social wiring is that much of an imperative). GET. SUPPORT. NOW. Counselor, AA meetings...the more the better. You can't get TOO MUCH. Your thinking will NOT change without support and tools to make it change.
4. And speaking of thinking: I know it's scary to be getting older, feeling like you're not getting better (had some very similar fears most of my life), but at 28 your brain is still pretty 'plastic' (as in neuroplasticity) - still very open to change. But you MUST get some support and tools to make that change occur.
5. I am extremely sensitive to medications and when the p-doc would start me out on even the lowest therapeutic dose, the side effects would slay me. We ended up having to start at 1/2 or even 1/4 of the therapeutic dose and very slowly increase it, if we did at all (I'm still on 3/4 of the lowest therapeutic dose on a medication - and it works). I'm not saying this'll work for you, not medical advice, just something you and your doc might consider.
HTH, Ach - something's gotta change here. And if nothing changes, well, nothing changes. Capice? Unfortunately, even when I feel like I'm in a powerless spin, it requires some action on my part to make a change (along with, hopefully, some divine orchestration assistance). I well remember feeling that paralyzing panic and feeling unable to do the things I needed to do to get support, but you've already made inroads toward that end, just keep going (to meetings, to the doc).
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 4,580
Crikey..sometimes I look back at my 20's and wonder how I survived. I have often referred to them as my "self loathing years". For me, my 20's where when my head hammered at me the hardest. Despite having accomplished some pretty great things in that decade, nothing I did was good enough and my self conciousness was at its most lethal.
So many people here have said so many truths here. We ARE relational people. And you must fight your "isolating" harder Ache. On one hand you crave deep emotional connection and then in the next breath ..you will say things like "I'm going to go live in the woods" . Like Dylan said...go to meetings..go to many.
I am reminded of the movie "Fight Club". Remember how the character kept going to "12 step meetings" simply to find kindness and connection? He wasn't alcoholic or drug addicted or an overeater..he just kept faking it..JUST to combat lonelieness. And then he discovers another woman doing the same thing?
Alone in your head is an enemy Acheleus. Read in libraries or coffee shops maybe? Go to meetings all over the place. Fight to find people rather than be alone. And please ..stay on the med's ..stay with sobriety...stay with AA...stay with SR
Just STAY....
So many people here have said so many truths here. We ARE relational people. And you must fight your "isolating" harder Ache. On one hand you crave deep emotional connection and then in the next breath ..you will say things like "I'm going to go live in the woods" . Like Dylan said...go to meetings..go to many.
I am reminded of the movie "Fight Club". Remember how the character kept going to "12 step meetings" simply to find kindness and connection? He wasn't alcoholic or drug addicted or an overeater..he just kept faking it..JUST to combat lonelieness. And then he discovers another woman doing the same thing?
Alone in your head is an enemy Acheleus. Read in libraries or coffee shops maybe? Go to meetings all over the place. Fight to find people rather than be alone. And please ..stay on the med's ..stay with sobriety...stay with AA...stay with SR
Just STAY....
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: London
Posts: 43
Hi Acheleus
If you have only just gone on the meds it's probably them making you feel like this. I have suffered from anxiety & panic for 6 years and have been on meds all that time. At first the side effects are awful, make you feel up and down also increase depression and anxiety but they do usually take about 6 weeks to kick in almost fully, mine did anyways.
You are so strong dealing with this and staying sober, you are fantastic hun. I do feel for you as the rising panic feeling is horrendous! Therapy really helped me especially CBT.
Luv & hugs
Jackie xx
If you have only just gone on the meds it's probably them making you feel like this. I have suffered from anxiety & panic for 6 years and have been on meds all that time. At first the side effects are awful, make you feel up and down also increase depression and anxiety but they do usually take about 6 weeks to kick in almost fully, mine did anyways.
You are so strong dealing with this and staying sober, you are fantastic hun. I do feel for you as the rising panic feeling is horrendous! Therapy really helped me especially CBT.
Luv & hugs
Jackie xx
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 1,920
I am taking the meds, although I think they make me worse, but what do I know. Today I woke up and I have to head off to class, but I thought how wonderful it would be to just work and not have school. Maybe I am just burned out and tired, I have been in this program one year with only the month of July off, and even then I couldn't relax because I have so many requirements and paper work due. Tonight after class(SIX HOURS WORTH!!) I will come home and play some game or something and try to prepare for my classes on Wednesday. But I will take some ME time and not worry about what other people think or what is due, or how much work I have to finish. I will just try and forget about that for a while and relax, nothing is worth my sanity and sobriety.
Do I sound more reasonable now? Maybe the meds do help me see less black and white and more gray. I can be happy. Thank you guys.
Do I sound more reasonable now? Maybe the meds do help me see less black and white and more gray. I can be happy. Thank you guys.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 1,634
Hi Acheleus -
You sound much better.
Just wanted to say that I'm in grad school too. The workload used to trigger my anxiety too. My anxiety is a lot less now that I've stopped drinking, but the first few weeks were a challenge mentally.
What helped me the most was going for a walk when I would start to get the overwhelmed feeling - with so much book and mental activity, the physical movement and getting air to the lungs, freshly oxygenated blood to the brain seems to work particularly well.
You sound much better.
Just wanted to say that I'm in grad school too. The workload used to trigger my anxiety too. My anxiety is a lot less now that I've stopped drinking, but the first few weeks were a challenge mentally.
What helped me the most was going for a walk when I would start to get the overwhelmed feeling - with so much book and mental activity, the physical movement and getting air to the lungs, freshly oxygenated blood to the brain seems to work particularly well.
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