Colibri

i just discovered that 2 days ago my partner was doing cocaine after finding the empty bag in her pocket. We have been together just over 2 months and I must admit I was warned she did coke by someone so I confronted her and she said she did it 2 weeks before we met and she doesnt buy anymore but if someone invites her she would have done it. I was upfront and said that I never had anyone in my life that did it family or partners and I wont tolerate it. I love her but I dont know what to do and I dont know if Im strong enough to walk away. The whole day yesterday she cried like a little girl begging me for a chance and It broke my heart. Obviously I feel like I cant trust her anymore and I dont want to babysit anyone as I just started a new job and dont need this now. yes she asked me to take her bank card and I could check her bag when I wanted. She said shes not an addict and can stop anytime. I dont know how to watch her, she has offered to go for the hair test and I understand it can detect for up to 3 months, she also said she will go every week to get checked. Please advise me. Help!

EndGameNYC

Placing a partner under surveillance is never a good way to start a relationship. You can set boundaries and limits together, agreeing on the consequences for failing to respect them.

You already have a job. You don't need to be monitoring her behaviors in your free time. If she continues to use, which would likely be out of view, it will eventually become clear that she's broken the contract.

soberhawk

Hi Colibri,

Welcome to SR.

You should probably try to post in the Friends and family section also, there are a lot of people with a lot of experience there.

There are a lot of red flags in what you write and I do understand why you are worried, I would also be that.

Colibri

thank you for the response. i know I dont feel I want to watch her every move. We have talked today and since yesterday she does seem very sorry and has promised to do itagain she wants to go to church and have a great relationship. im sure anyone reading this probably thinks aw thats so typical. The thing is I dont know if its recreational or she is an addict, what I do know is that after reading signs of a user is she does always have a stuffy and runny nose but assures me its alergiies and uses nasal spray. i feel so stupid and dont know what to do next, I love her and besides the drugs thing she is a wonderful girl. She seems suicidal yesterday after I walked out and when I returned she spent the whole day crying and begging for another chance. another thing is Ive introduced her to my few but nice quality friends but the two or three friends of hers Ive met are also do cocaine. infact the night before the morning I found the empty bag in her pocket one of her friends were in my house and he was the one that gave it to her, these small group never seem to have money and are always broke. i have a circle of friends that do not do drugs so Im thinking we can influence her positively. she said she will not socialize with him again but they work together so my fear is that they are doing it at work. any advice is welcome. thanks.

soberhawk

Colibri,

I can tell you what I see as red flags in what you write.

If you do not have a problem with a substance and are addicted to it, why would you break down and cry and want someone to check on you and control you. Her reaction would make me think – Ok you are really struggling with that substance and I can see it is hard and inflicting a lot of pain. I am not judging her – and I am sure she is not a bad person – but I would see her as struggling.

I do hope I am not insulting you – but your reaction is kind of a Savior – you sense she is in pain and want to save her and make her feel right. It is a very decent human reaction – you even worrie about what choices she makes when you are not there.

Do you want to start a relationship this way?

You could be looking at a long and painful journey.

If she is able to stop using cocain she will be able to stop using it without your help – you can not make any difference here.

Eleni58

Only two months into the relationship and all these issues already. . . sorry but I see nothing but heartache for you if you stay with her. Trust me--things will get worse. You don't need this stress in your life and you can do better. Sounds like you want to be her saviour and only she can save herself

Dee74

if you see this as a long term relationship Colibri, maybe NarAnon - or something like it - would be good for you?

About Nar-Anon | Nar-Anon Family Groups

D

Anna

I'm sorry, Colibri but to start off a relationship that is SO not built on trust, just seems like a bad idea. It sounds like you want to fix her and that's not a good situation for either of you. If she is not an addict, it sounds like she is hugely overreacting.