atos

After six years and two kids and standing by my alcoholic fiancee even though plenty a time I wanted to leave and he begged me to stay and swore his undying love and how he would change and stupidly I believed it, he kicked myself and the kids out the house in order for his parents to come and live with him due to his father being ill with cancer. He swore to me that he just wanted to look after his father until he passed away and he said that nothing would change, we would still be a family and he would be with us most of the time anyway. I wasn't happy with the arrangement but what choice did I have? So we moved out and not even a week later, he began to act distant and disinterested. When I approached him about it, he brushed me off saying that I was being too sensitive. I doubted myself even though I felt things weren't right. He would send me little sweet messages now and again but everytime I asked him when he was coming to see the kids, he always had some excuse regarding his father as to why he could not come. Two weeks down the line, a mutual friend told me that he was cheating on me. I was devastated and I phoned him to ask for the truth and he denied and denied and denied and made me out to be crazy for suggesting such a thing. He got angry with me and said that he cannot deal with my ******** and insecurities and that his father was dying and he was busy helping him. Of course I felt guilty and I ended up apologising for being insensitive and thought that maybe our mutual friend was just trying to cause trouble. Turns out he wasn't and my alcoholic was seeing someone and he was hardly ever at home with his parents helping!! He abandoned the kids for four months and after two flings didn't work out, he came slinking like a rat back to me and begged for forgiveness. Said he loved us, missed us and he was deeply sorry. I so wanted to believe that he was sorry and I accepted him back into our lives again. I tried hard to fix the things about me that he was unhappy with as he said that the reason he cheated was because I didn't show him any affection, I was always angry and aggressive towards him, I always put the kids before him etc... I know I did become v angry and bitter and cold towards him but I had serious resentment regarding his alcoholism and what it was doing to us as a family. Anyway a month down the line, things are 'good' if u can call it that, BAM!! He starts seeing the same woman that he had met after his first cheating episode. He does it so sneakily by having myself and the kids over one night and her the next until one night he gets caught out by me overhearing a telephone convo between them which he snuck out into the garden to take. So I leave and I cut contact. The weeks come and go and I hear nothing. I meet someone else and we start seeing each other. He hears about it through friends and guess what? He starts texting me telling me that he loves me and he begs me to make it work. He says he will go to counselling, he will do whatever it takes to have his family back. New guy I met gets mad with ex alcoholic interfering and tells me to decide what I want or he's gone. I was so undecided! On one hand, I have this normal, healthy, outdoorsy motocross rider who treats me well and on the other, I have a sick alkie who is the father of my kids that I love deeply so I stall and do nothing. Well needless to say, I lost the healthy guy and allowed the alcoholic back into my life and one month later, two weeks ago to be exact, he dropped me again!! Told me that since I've been with sumone else, he cannot forgive me!! OMG! What?? I'm actually at a loss for words anymore. I realise that I'm co dependent and I'm as sick as he is but what I cannot understand is the games he feels he needs to play with my heart?? And the kids hearts too. Is this what alcoholics do to their families??

EndGameNYC

Sorry about all your pain, atos, but recognizing your massive denial and acknowledging your co-dependence is meaningless without action. You admit that you're ill, but you don't say anything about what you're doing to get healthy and protect you and your children from all this chaos and suffering.

Why does he continue to lie to you, abuse you and cheat on you? Because he can.

atos

And he has met someone else and she makes him happy apparently . For the past two weeks, he has not bothered to see the kids, phone them NOTHING because he's too busy with the new chicky! Then when I email him saying I need stuff for the kids, he tells me that I'm not getting anything for them as I won't let him see them!! I have never once said that, he just does not bother to ask for them and there aint no way that I am going to beg him to take them. As usual, he always has some reason to blame me for everything, make me feel like I'm a horrible person, worthless, ugly, unwanted etc.......

atos

I do go for counselling once a week and I do a lot of research regarding alcoholism and co dependency so I get all of that. I'm working on myself but for some reason, even though I have deleted him off bbm and what's app and facebook and only email him regarding kids etc.. This man still has the power to suck me into arguements and feel like I need to defend myself all the time. I just don't get how someone can treat his family so bad and feel nothing. I was not brought up that way. I find it hard to swallow. Maybe that's why I'm obssesing about it.

ScottFromWI

You aren't a horrible person Atos. But you won't get anywhere until you stand your ground and either get out of the relationship or set some strong ground rules.

EndGameNYC

From where do you imagine he's getting all this power?

visch1

Atos I'm sorry your going through all this hell but yes alcoholics, especially when drinking usually are very unreliable. It's the ism that alcohol seems to control in us and as a rule we, when drinking, are not a honest group. We cannot get anyone sober, only the alcoholic can for THEMSELF. Promises abound but it takes time that four letter word. I suggest that you investigate Al Anon for help with your sanity. Just because your invited to an argument does not mean you must attend. BE WELL

Dee74

I'm sorry for your situation atos.
I think its good you realise how dysfunctional this relationship is tho.

I think you know that your future lies in moving on.

I know you'll find a lot of experience and support here. Have you checked out our Family and Friends forums?

D

atos

I guess I give him that power as he knows me well and exactly what buttons to push. I need to work on that. I'm way too soft and giving in all aspects of life.

EndGameNYC

Many of us have a tremendous amount of good will and like to think of ourselves as being helpful to others. When this starts to encroach on our own individual freedom, our sanity and our way of living, the pain we suffer is a powerful message that change is necessary.

honeypig

Hi, Atos, and welcome to SR. Just wanted to let you know there's a section of the forum for friends and family of alcoholics. Here's a link Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

You might like to do some reading/posting there, too.

Again, welcome. Hope you find support here. Most folks here seem to be pretty straightforward, and while you may not always like what you hear, it's generally right on the mark...

Nuudawn

You can ask yourself "why" until you are blue in the face. Endgame said it best.."because he can". I feel for you hon as I struggle with both alcoholism and love/relationship addiction issues. It all comes from the same place in my eyes...low self esteem/worth and having an external locus of control...among other things. You need to quit this person "cold turkey". Yes, easier said than done. You will need support for that. Contact with him is similar to the cravings one has for alcohol or drugs. You're high when you're with him and things are good...and you're jonesin' when he is unavailable. It is a roller coaster that sometimes you are perfectly willing to get off..and then, well then you want back on. It's a nightmare. I feel for ya..because I suffer with it as well. My only hope is that in sobriety I will get healthier and deal with that issue or that one will aid the other.

It's tough...I know.