Melbell

Hi everyone, well don't really know where to begin. I have struggled with alcoholism for the past 10+ years. I am a 40 year old female, have 2 beautiful kids (7 & 9), a great husband who I have been separated for just over a year (because I chose alcohol over our marriage which I regret daily), a nice house, a good job. All sounds great and good. I went into AA for the first time about 6.5 years ago. Got a few months, relapsed went back in for a couple of months, relapsed again and then had 2 straight years of sobriety. I was working the steps, had a sponsor and just after 2 years went out again. I have been struggling BIG time the past few years. My husband was very supportive and I actually ended up going to rehab for 30 days in the summer of 2011. He found out I cheated on him and was still going to stay with me but I needed to be sober and I chose booze.

I have been drinking daily since last May when I left him. I wake up and go to work everyday and take care of my kids (when I have them 50% of the time) but am still drinking. I am broke all of the time cause I spend so much on booze and my mom helps me out in that aspect (financially). I know 40 years old and mom helping me out. Pathetic. I have been dating a guy for the past 9 months who is also an alcholic and was actually in AA for a few months but thinks its a cult. I have actually told him I need some space for the past 3 weeks and haven't seen him. All we do together is drink and then end up fighting bad a lot of the time. He does love me a lot though. I want my marriage back and my husband tells me I have to stop drinking totally and yet there is part of me that thinks I can control it. I wake up every morning feeling like crap and say "not gonna drink today" but I always do. Im at such a loss. I feel AA is one of the only things that will keep me sober but I am embarassed to go back (I have been in and out sooooo many times).

I just want to live a happy life and I am NOT happy right now. Im surviving that is it - not living. Just scared to take that step. Scared of failing....AGAIN. Scared of living a life without booze.

I'm sorry this is so long. Just don't know where to turn because I'm not honest to anyone about how much I am drinking.

Thanks for reading and any advice would be appreciated.

Dee74

Hi Melbell

there's no doubt that embracing a sober live is a leap of faith...it's leaving behind the familiar, whoever crappy that familiar is, and heading into the unknown....

the thing is tho - you're not alone - there's lots of us here who've done this and can tell you how wonderful that decision was

I reconnected with a me I'd forgotten about - an untainted me, a me I thought I'd lost.
I love who I am now and I love my life.

That's a pretty good payoff
D

360shoes

Hi Melbell,
I have no big words of wisdom but I know what it feels like to be unhappy. That's what finally pushed me over. I was so miserable I just wanted some peace. I figured I'd worry about happy later. So I promised myself I would endure whatever came but no matter what, I would not drink.

Some days easy, some not so much but they started piling up. Not only did I find my peace but I actually got happy. The good kind. The kind that comes from being a-okay with just being me.

I'm glad you are here and hope you find what you need. You deserve it.

Amy2011

If you think AA will help go back. AA helped me get sober. Most people I have met in AA have struggled at some point with sobriety. Don't worry about what others may or may not think. Just keep coming back. Good luck.

erfra7

hi melbell go back to AA no matter how many times people come back just one day at the time or hour at the time.
I know it can be done 79 days I being working on my sobriety and is wonderful and so not wonderful road ... I love myself again...
good luck

LiveLikeGold6

Like others have said never feel embarrassed about a relapse. Alcoholism is our deal and relapses are common so no one will judge. I've had 9 months 2 different times and have been struggling for the past year. Today is day 1 for me and I won't give up so please you don't