Acheleus

Well I have noticed a problem with staying sober, and it involves not being able to trust myself. I know I cannot drink, my body cannot handle alcohol, yet I proceed to go awhile without drinking and then BAM! I am drunk, bothering people, hurting myself, etc. Now the problem is that I feel weak and pathetic because I keep falling off the straight and narrow path. What part of me keeps me going out and drinking? I feel like I do not know myself, if that makes sense. So now I am just hiding in my room because I feel so humiliated and embarrassed about being drunk. I am just ready to go join a monastery if that is what it takes for me to remain sober.

MeSoSober

You don't just BAM get drunk, right? I mean no one does. What happens before the BAM? A thought, a situation, an event? Have you tried to identify what keeps you from staying stopped?

pinkdog

For me, being able to forgive yourself is key. The drinking life is appealing in the early stages of sobriety. But, as you get further away from it, it is not so much. Keep going. Be on your own side. A sober life is much happier. Keep going, dear. It takes sober time.

Anna

I agree that I don't think it's just BAM and you get drunk. When that was happening to me, I realized that I had been 'tuned out' to my feelings and on auto pilot. I needed to be more conscious of my feelings and what was happening in my mind, body and soul each day.

Acheleus

It almost feels unconscious. Like I just find myself drinking and I know it is bad. It does not make any sense. I guess I feel lost most of the time. I really want sobriety and I am not going any where near alcohol. A voice inside keeps telling me I will fail, but I am hoping some medicine I got for depression will allow me to be calm and take things day by day.

Nuudawn

Sweetie..you DON'T know yourself..that's what sobriety is about...figuring your self out. To whom do you feel guilty? Who did you hurt? Yup, you...but relapse is something to learn from not twist about and torture yourself over. Shake it off...you're still here...still trying. Don't dwell on it. Start again and start piling up those sober moments.

silentrun

I know what you mean about the autopilot. I had a slip 3 months ago after 3 months into recovery. I kind of dismissed it at the time because it ended up in me becoming physically ill. Now I have to go back and try to figure out what I did wrong. It felt like my brain shut down. There is more there though because I had to go buy it, get soda, drive home, mix a drink, and drink it. I still can't figure it how it happened but I will. In the mean time I am thinking of getting some sort of talizman. It happened 3 months ago but now I feel like and idiot over it. It happens to a lot of us.

Acheleus

That does make sense ND-I do not know who the hell I am. Maybe I will start walking again tonight. The most important thing I tell myself is I am not giving up, ever. My life is valuable and I will learn from my mistakes.

TorontoGuy28

Aside from not picking up that drink, what else are you doing to stay sober ?

Isaiah

The temptation to drink is one that can overwhelm and override our better judgment, especially if we're stressed, tired, depressed, sick, etc.

My first sponsor had a phrase he used to say whenever someone (especially me!) started to question cravings, slips, uncontrollable thoughts, etc. Wise words, he used to answer, "Why? Because you're an alcoholic!" Sometimes I think it is better not to question why we drink, but to look at the patterns that get us to that first drink and develop a sort of mindfulness to let our better, sober judgment not be overrun by the compulsion to drink.

Do you have any recovery tools or a program you've been using?

Eleni58

If a voice inside of you keeps telling you that you will fail...you WILL fail. You have to think positive thoughts. Negative thoughts = negative actions.

IWillWin

Ach - don't beat yourself up or try to figure it out. We are alcoholics. We want to drink. For most of us, all the time. It takes practice to turn off auto pilot and fly by instrument. We are all learning. I know I am. And I also know that one day it could be me so I read here all the time to learn from others.

It happened. It's over. Move forward and if you know what lead to it great, don't do it again. But also realize you may never know - it could just be because you are an alcoholic and you drank because you wanted to. This sober living is all about NOT drinking when we want to, which like I said is pretty much all the time, so it is common for most of us also to fall victim to our nature. Changing our thought patterns takes time and patience - two things I don't have a lot of but I try every day. It's been working for 11 months.

Keep it moving!!! I know you can do this.

Acheleus

I am seeing a counselor and a doctor for depression but the medicine and therapy just make me feel worse. I want to go to meetings and get a sponsor. Right now on this medicine I do not want to get out of bed, so I need to quit taking it. I feel scared all the time about ending up dead or homeless. I am not taking the medicine anymore.

Nuudawn

I really think AA is the right decision for you Acheleus. Sometimes the med's are wrong...that's the crappy tedious thing about them, sometimes we have try try different ones. But hey, I think the AA idea is AWESOME.

Soberpotamus

Nuudawn has a good point, sometimes the docs really do get the meds wrong. But, I guess it's about weighing out the pros and cons too... is it helping more than hurting? Because there always seems to be side effects of some sort. Only you and the doc can make that call.

And as for AA and getting around others... it really does sound like it would help you. At least making the effort, getting out and around others... it does help to put things into perspective sometimes. As odd and unsettling as it can feel, to be vulnerable... and believe me, I know that feeling well. Maybe just once a week, or couple times a week at first. That's what I did. Just a few meetings per week. Now I'm doing one meeting per week and it seems to be just enough for me.

I hope you are ok. Thinking about you Hang in there. You are worth it. You know it. Just keep trying different things until you find what works, cause I really do believe there's a set of things or recovery behaviors that you can piece together that will work for you!

trikyriky

Hi friend

How are you today ?

Tr