Aabbccdd112233

Hello, I am not an alcoholic, but my brother who is now 20 is. He started drinking when he was 14. At 16 he got a DUI and crashed his friends car into another woman's car totaling both cars. This happened at 5PM, not even at night. My father had to higher a lawyer for him, pay for two new cars for my brother's friend and the woman he hit. Luckily, the woman did not sue. She could have ruined our family. My brother showed no remorse after the accident. My brother was working a job where he paid over $13,000 a year, which I say is pretty good for a high school student. He has not paid my father back 1 cent. My brother didn't even pay his court fees so my dad had to pay $3,000 up front. He barely graduated high school. My parents had to talk to the administrators to let him walk. It's not even that he isn't smart. His IQ is slightly above average. After graduation my dad paid for his community college. My brother stopped going to his classes saying that he "was above community college" My dad told him that if he wanted to transfer he would have to prove himself at community college. The next semester, my brother yet again stopped going to classes. He would not help around the house, just lay around all day then go out with his friends sometimes not coming home for three days and not letting anyone where he was. He has stolen my parents credit cards and withdrawn over $500 from my parents account and $300 my dad had been saving in coins for us for Christmas. My brother blamed my sister and I and said we stole it. He has crashed my mom's car and said that someone hit him in a parking lot. He has crashed his own car twice now. Most recently he totaled his car and received a DUI. He told my parents it was for reckless driving, I checked on iCHAT (I am student teaching so I have had to give background checks) and it showed a DUI and a warrant for his arrest. When my parents got the letter he STILL lied even when the letter for the DUI charges were right there.
He has drank ALL of our alcohol in the house. Our bar in the basement has been completely cleared out. When I say cleared out I mean over 20 fifths my parents have collected from visiting Europe before we were born. He even drank a fifth that was very sentimental to my dad (his mom gave it to him as a gift before she died). My sister got an autographed wine bottle from one of her favorite celebrity wine makers and she came home to find it missing. When asked, he blamed my sister and I on the missing fifths of alcohol and beer. They have found bottles of fifths just laying in plain sight in his car (not even in the truck, but just laying in the back seat) along with mouth wash.

The worst is he continues to lie and blame my sisters on what he is doing. He says that we have parties and drink all the alcohol all the time. My sister and I are over 21 so if we want to drink we go out to the bar. We don't need to steal our parents. I had to receive numerous calls from my parents demanding us to come clean. He has even gone so far to lie to my dad and tell him that I was a drug addict and was constantly smoking pot every day. Flat out lies. I am a teacher. If I do drink, I drink a glass of wine once in a while when my girlfriends are all in town together. Anyone who knows a teacher's workload would no we don't have time for that. My dad went to my sister and asked if I was and she couldn't believe that he would say that. When my sister confronted him lying he said that he did it because he said that "well dad thinks she's s some princess"

And the way he talks to us is even worse, he threatens to kill my sister and I, tells us he will punch us, push us into walls, and calls us names (B****, C***) He will end up screaming. It scares me. He will scream at my parents too and say even nastier things. My parents don't expect much from him (bring his clothes to the laundry room, clean his room) He doesn't have a job, doesn't go to school. He isn't expected much and my dad says we have to be careful because my brother is "fragile" He was kicked out...for only two days. My dad says he is scared he will do something rash if we kick him out.

Most recently he got into a fight with my dad and punched a hole in our wall. He went to my grandparents and told them my dad beat him, leaving out his part and about his alcoholism. My parents told my grandparents about it and my brother was told he could not stay there. He came to pick up some clothes and I let him in and he started screaming at me to get out of his way.

My sister still lives at home and says that it's hell living there. Everything, every argument is about my brother. She says my parents are constantly worrying, fighting, and dealing with my brother. We are both at the point that we want nothing to do with him. As of right now he is kicked out, but I fear it is only a matter of time before my parents cave in again because they are scared he may do something rash. I am supposed to be moving home after my student teaching is over, but I honestly don't know if I can handle living there or dealing with him.

My parents have paid for outpatient treatment for him and he has supposedly gone to AA meetings. He told us he was 41 days clean, yet when he went up north with my dad, my dad phone 6 beers in his duffle bag from when we were up north last time.

I don't believe anything he says anymore and he honestly scares me. He is very manipulative and angry. He always ends up playing the victim afterwards. Once he told us all that he was contimplating suicide after we found more bottles, then 10 minutes later he was laughing on the phone with his friend and then went to the park. Sober or not he is not the same brother I knew as a child. I don't know what to do. He is destroying my family, my parents marriage, and my dad cries all the time (he has never been one to cry, only at his parents' funerals). I am scared that my parents will continue to enable him and this hell will keep going.

It may seem harsh, but I am at the point I that I don't even want a relationship with him. I have told him that if he goes to a long term facility, I will support him, but I cannot have him in my life this way.

Please help.

Dee74

Welcome aabbccdd

I'm sorry for your situation - maybe not having a relationship with him is the wisest course for now?

I'm glad to see you've posted in our Family and Friends forum - you'll find a lot of support there too

D

Jeni26

Hi and welcome to SR. I'm so sorry for all that you're going through. Your post made me think of my brother and how lost he is too. Mine is 46 years old, an alcoholic and drug addict who still lives at home with my parents. His addiction means he lies, cheats and manipulates others. I think my parents are more than a little afraid of him, and of what he is capable of.

What has helped me is learning to let go. As he's my younger brother I always felt a bit responsible for trying to change things. My parents thought I could do that for him too and they would phone me asking me to get involved. Unlike you, I did develop alcoholism and I needed time and space to address that.

But I had to walk away. I had to recognise there was absolutely nothing I could do to change or control the situation. It is heartbreaking to watch someone you love systematically destroy their own lives, but it's important you don't get dragged down by it.

The day my brother comes to ME and asks for help will be the happiest day of my life, but until then I will wait and love him from a distance.

Best wishes to you x