howpl

My daughter is going into college and knows that her mother was an alcoholic, who is now in her 27th year of recovery. My daughter is being medicated, and in therapy, for depression, but lets us know very little about her issues. I think I know, but our relationship is such that she will not discuss them with me in particular, and her mother is from the keep-quiet school of social interaction. I am afraid she will seek to self-medicate with alcohol or drugs, though there are no signs she has done so yet. I read recently that coas have a one in two chance of becoming alcoholics themselves, Having done OK with our now 24 year old son, who has excellent coping abilities, I am now more fearful about my daughter. I have googled the Internet up and down and can find no answer to my question, so here I am, posting. What do I tell my daughter at this crucial stage in her life, knowing that in addition to the social pressure and her own coping shortcoming, there is a powerful hereditary component? At 18, she has never seen my wife drunk. It is all theoretical to her. And, despite my own compromised ability to accept the surliness of teenage girls (which is legendary) -- I can't control my own hurt and anger (though I am in therapy, too, talking too much of the time about her -- I am apparently the one left to do the talking. Assuming she can hear me, what should I say?

Dee74

Hi howpl - welcome
I'm not a parent, and my parents were not alcoholics, so I have little to contribute here.

I do believe tho that what we do matters far more than what we say. Regardless of what our relationship is with our folks, we do take our cues from them.

You say your son has turned out ok - what makes you think your daughter is different, apart from fear?

D

least

I think if you talked to her in a gentle caring way it should be ok. I mean, don't nag or get upset, just tell her your concerns. I hope your two can have a good conversation.

wolfpackfan45

My son is 22 and in college He's suffered from depression, panic disorder, and anxiety disorder since high school. My husband's twin brother is an alcoholic, but we didn't know it until recently as he has hidden it well from us over the years. I wish we had known sooner. My son left for college a normal teen with his mental health issues well under control (or so we thought). He's now a recovering alcoholic at 22. The last year was hell on us. It never entered my mind that he'd develop an alcohol problem. If it had, I would've talked to him honestly and openly, especially concerning his uncle (had we known). If I were you I'd calmly and honestly talk to your daughter about the risks. I'd also explain that if she feels her depression issues are escalating she needs to let you know. My son tired to hide his from us and self medicated. Just be honest with her and save her the heartbreak of what we've had to go though.

howpl

Wow, wolfpackfan45, that's really rough. But I don't think you can be expected to guess that your brother had a problem, since he hid it so well. Even if had hadn't hid it well, I'm not sure it would even occur to me to follow the hereditary link. I'm glad your son is getting help. That when my marriage became possible. My problem, though, is not in being honest and tactful (though she might disagree). It is in knowing WHAT to say. I have basically told her that her mother has this history. That she will have many opportunities to drink. And that she has to be very careful. I told her she has to "monitor" herself. And to watch out for Denial. It doesn't seem enough, though, but I can't tell her absolutely under no circumstances should she partake. Her brother has not developed a problem. But her brother was not diagnosed with depression. That is why I worry about her. She is fragile in a way he never was.