Shakota

When I first joined, I had explained that since I was over using my pain mgmt medications I desperately needed and wanted to get it back under control and to only take it as prescribed. In the last 4 days I have been trying really hard to only take the 4 pills I am supposed to take but its seems like since day 1 everything has been against me. I have had spinal headaches that have left me in a fetal position bawling my eyes out so my husband gave me extra medication, then I fell and pulled the muscles in my arm all the way up to my neck which caused the disks in my neck and down my spine to flare up, so extra pain medication. So, it seemed like no matter how hard I tried and how excited I got towards the end of the day thinking I was going to reach my goal, at the last minute the pain would kick my butt and remind me that it was the ruler of my life and not me...that it was here to control me and I was never going to win. When my head would hit the pillow at night finally at around 5 or 6 am, I would cry myself to sleep, so disappointed in myself and so frustrated that I was stuck in this sick cycle of pain and medications, of self hate and loathing. It was all so destructive, and yet, each morning I wake up and live a lie, I lie for my son....I don't want him to know. I have always tried to shield him from seeing the pain I am in and he has never been aware of my over usage, he knows I am on pain medication and that it makes me loopy, and that is all that he needs to know.

Yesterday I struggled with another spinal headache and I did everything I could to keep from doubling up on pain meds. I used ice and heat, hot showers and baths. I meditated and did deep breathing exercises along with stretches. As the end of the day neared and I still had a pill in my bottle and the pain was significantly less my stomach was tight with excitement but a part of me was still afraid to get too excited afraid that I would still fail. Finally at about 10:30 pm I took my 4th pill of the night....when my husband got home I did a little happy dance in the kitchen.....

I HAD FINALLY REACHED MY GOAL!!!!



Yup, I did it, I managed to finally do what I had said I was going to do, take my prescribed amount. Now I know it isn't much, most would say it isn't a big deal, nothing to get excited about. But its a small victory and I am willing to take any wins I can get right now. Maybe with this its means next time I can maybe only take 3 then maybe I can get to where I only have to take 1 to 2 a day if my pain level will allow it because at that point its not about my addiction it is about my pain level. But for now, I am just going to try to stick to taking 4 a day, I did it once so now I know that I can do it!

Thanks for letting me share

snipe

Congratulations! It clearly took a lot of grit and determination for you to do that.

p.s. I love the sound of the name Shakota. Is it Native American?

Shakota

Thank you Snipe! It really did, but if I have one thing, its determination!

Shakota is actually a name I just made up one day when I was 15...I had hoped to name my daughter Shakota if I had ever had a baby girl. I have a nephew named Dakota and I loved the way "kota" sounded and wanted to try and find a more "feminine" version I guess, and Shakota popped into my head. Well, since I never got my little girl, I took on the name Shakota for everything from the online games I play to just my online identity. So, thank you, I really love the name as well...in fact I didn't know this until recently but here in Oklahoma we have a town named Checotah which is pronounced the same as my name Shakota and it is Native American.

Dee74

way to go Shakota

D

Shakota

Thank you Dee! I know its silly and doesn't mean much, that it isn't a big deal. I mean I only did what I was supposed to be doing all along right? Taking 4 pills instead of 10-15 pills right? But I guess its a start.

Hevyn

It is not silly Shakota. You have every reason to be proud of this! You are strong.

Shakota

Thanks Hevyn! I am proud, small victories are important too

yukonm

I am really proud of you and you should also be proud. NEVER downplay a victory. We are very quick to kick ourselves when we don't succeed and don't value our successes like we should.
Congratulations!!! YOU MET YOUR GOAL!!

Shakota

Thank M, Your encouragement and belief in me really helped me make it. You have been here with me from day one holding my hand every step of the way and I really appreciate it. Now only the rest of my life to go....piece of cake right?