YoungAndClean

Well sober recovery, it's been a long time (5 months or so) since I've been around here. I rellapsed out of the blue one day with 4-5 months clean except I was on Wellbutrin and Suboxone so I was still chemically dependent in a sense.

Anyways, that day the desire to drink a couple beers just overcame me and I ran with it. And boy did I spiral down fast. Those beers went to klonnopin prescriptions from 2 different doctors, to Adderall, to getting drunk, to cigarettes, and eventually to my drug of choice. IV heroin, dextroamphetamine, and Meth. I had quite a run these last few months. I lost all of the muscle and good looks sobriety gave me. I lost the sunlight of the spirit and my connection with Jesus. I suddenly stopped running and weight lifting. And I became a slave to heroin, spending thousands and getting ripped off but I was it's slave. I remember the first month using was great! Heroin at first makes me very energetic and "get up and live life to the fullest!" I'd go to the golf club, study, go to church, spend time with my girlfriend, and live quite normally until a few days when the dope ran out.

Then despite having suboxone it was back to Los Angeles 2 hour drive each way just to pick up from some kid who in the end admitted to stealing half of my heroin everything we picked up. Last weekend was the last time I used heroin and he took my $80 and then just made me wait hours lieing and lieing and eventually giving me a $20 bag instead. That was also the first time I bought meth because the Dexedrine stopped giving me euphoria and energy. So anyways, after I got the meth it was around midnight and he had gone home and just told me to wait for the meth guy to bring me my drugs. Once it became overly obvious I was waiting for nothing I drove to this dudes house and woke up his parents yelling "YOUR SON IS SELLING DRUGS AND OWES ME $80 dollars!!!" This was after he yelled in my face, telling me to get the f*** out of there, so I did something I can't say I've ever done.

I hit him with a fast left hook (weird since I'm right handed) to his gut and it must have hurt because the look on his face was priceless. He immedietely started screaming "F*** you GET THE F**** off my property. By then both his parents were up and I caused quite the commotion. He immeditely called 911 on me reporting an Assault, which I find ironic considering what a druggie, selfish, stealing, scumbag he is. So I lingered around the street while he was on the phone and then I took off my shirt and came at him as if to hit him in the face but just like before, his parents did not see this. He freaked and then tried to throw punches at me but I easily evaded them unscathed. His parents saw their son trying to punch me, and he kept screaming and cursing and I was calm, collected, and just kept saying, your sons a dealer, he owes me money. Once I knew the cops were on their way I debated getting in my car and driving off but I decided it was unsafe and instead spent the next 4 hours down the street hiding in somebodys bushes. I even had the sprinklers go on and got soaking wet, trying to protect my Iphone, Wallet, and Keys from getting drenched and somehow they survived although I was soaked.

It must have been 4:30am when I realized that the bright light shining on me wasn't a cop car like I thought, but just a street lamp. Commando style I crawled and crept through the bushes, around corners, and eventually to my car which I thought might have a tire lock on it or something. Luckily it didnt and I began my 2 hour drive home in fear of police and in absolute shock. I was up all night, and I kept getting texts saying how my red chrystler sebring is a p***** barbie car, and how he was stealing half my heroin the entire 3 months I would drive down their to pick up, maxing out my credit cards and even stealing from my girlfriend and family. I sold my nice 46 inch flat screen TV, my .38 special, and stole from my little sister and stepmom too, only to OD in the bathroom and wake up 45min later with no idea what had happened but all I remember is my Dad saying, "you cant drive" and my little sister who isnt little anymore (20) handing me my cooking spoon with all the heroin resin in it. That was a couple months ago and because of that my Dad was so dissapointed in me that he didn't come to my college graduation in June. Neither did my Mom and Stepdad, who I live with, because they were so upset about the rellapse and especially upset when they figured out I was back to heroin. So only my girlfriend, little sister, and stepmom came to my graduation (rightfully so, but it hurt) and that was it. Keep in mind they flew all the way to England to see my younger brother graduate, but he isn't an addict/ bad boy like me.

It took me 10 years to graduate college. And for 10 years I went from pot to almost every drug except crack. I have 0 tatoos and piercings, am white and cute, and do not look like a druggie but like all heroin runs things got really bad. I was fiending bad one day for the stuff and ended up taking way too much klonnopin, and started drinking Jim Beam around 11am and by 5:30 had had 2 more small bottles and Jimmy Walker. All the while driving to AA meetings. A woman there followed me after the last meeting, knowing I was wasted, called 911 on me and while I was sitting with my car parked, a cop walked up behind me scaring me so bad I threw up. I tried to grab my keys and take off but I was on the concrete cuffed tight, and now am being charged with a 2nd DUI + Resisting Arrest. My court hearing is Aug 8th and I'm still debating hiring a private attorney or not. My BAC came back .22, 3 times the legal limit.

Also I'm not sure if this was an empty threat or not but supposidly there is an assault warrant out for my arrest for my incident with my "backstabing unethical scumbad of a friend." and what really upsets me is, I would always give him a free bag and was nothing but generous to him. But I don't know if it was the meth or what, but he stole my $250 lacoste sweater, brand new iphone earbuds, and hundreds of dollars of H.

Also I left my sunglasses and very nice bannana republic belt at my Dads which I will never get back. On top of this my Grandmother died, and I got the 2nd DUI only 2 months after buying a beautiful cherry red sebring convertible from my girlfriend, which I now will be making payments on without being able to drive.

So here I am, coming off a month long dexedrine/meth binge, and today I saw my Doctor and asked to be put back on Suboxone, and also for a few Xanax since the meth had me seriously bugging out. I've still drank occasionally but since the DUI havent been really into it. I haven't found full time work and career and have had to paint decks, bathrooms, mow lawns, and landscape to pay the bills and all my credit card debt and what not.

So I guess I'm checking in. And to be honest I'm very angry, I'm mad at God, AA, myself, and the fact that I'm and addict. Life was so good and I truly thought I had finally found a longterm solution but I guess because I didn't have an actualy sponsor and wasn't working the steps, only going to meetings, I didn't reach out before that first beer and it led to so much trouble. I live with my parents and they are sick and tired of my addiction, my girlfriend barely kept me after I admitted all I had done including stealing like $200 dollars from her. When she first met me at college I was in the best shape of my life and mentally, emotionally, and spiritually healthy.

Now I'm an underweight zombie, sleep deprived, I lost all my muscle, havent ran or exercised in months, miss meals all the time. And yet she hasn't given up on me, and believes I can get longterm sobriety and all the promises back. So do my parents, but they think I need rehab because of how bad my disease has progressed. they may be right but I rebel and tell them, "I will loose my girlfriend if I go anywhere (her parents will forbid her to see me most likely, they dont know Im an addict), the court system kind of has me glued to this area, and also I'm in so much debt with court fines coming soon that I can't afford to work for free at some rehab."

They usually counter with, "well it'd be worth the temporary sacrifice for the long run, meaning, if I did 6 months to a year inpatient I might never have to pick up again." But I really see rehab as rock bottom and don't want to leave my car, girlfriend, comfy rent free room, privacy, etc. So I keep telling them I'll get on suboxone since it worked before and get a sponsor right away and work all 12 steps which I didn't really do before. But it scares me in AA how they say "you must go to ANY length to get sober." I mean, I know I need to get clean, and that I'm powerless over drugs, and that sobriety is such a better way to live, but I doubt I'd go to any length for that. And that really discourages me because I don't want to rebuild my life only to rellapse and loose so much again.

So I'm 28, fresh out of college (UCSB) with a degree in Communication, and have no idea what I want out of life except wife, kids, golf, a home, nice cars, and to be sober and helping others instead of so self-centered and spoiled. I'd like to be a success but I don't think I want AA anymore and have decided to go with NA instead so that I can talk freely about drugs (which I have always preffered, opiates especially) without feeling guilty and having to apologize. The AA meetings here in Solvang California are really small and mostly full of old ex-drunks and very few young people. And many of them have had drug problems too, but talking about it during meetings is discouraged.

Basically in conclusion, I'm broken down, beaten, and feel hopeless depressed and like the party is over and all the good times are behind me. Now it's work work work, and I've always been a pretty lazy unmotivated guy unless I really wanted something. I also have severe ADD which has handicapped me, not to mention I'm pretty damn stupid and slow from all the drug abuse. I've thought about suicide often because I'm just not excited for the future at all. To me it looks overwhelming and just too much work which as an addict, just 1 bad day and it's all gone again. I'm 28 but feel like I just want to retire and die soon. I'm sort of excited about having kids, but I dunno about a wife because I don't do well with commitment. I'm also proud of myself for graduating from a very difficult school (ranked #10 best public university in the USA) despite using heroin much of the time. But when I'm sober reality hits me and it's just to much and makes me want to use.

I don't know if I've hit rock bottom either, which scares me. I've also realized I'm no more unique then any bum on the street drunk off their ass, and how that could be me someday. Then you factor in the bad economy, government both federal and especially in CALI are a bunch of incompetent hypocrites, lack of good careers in my area, and the list goes on and on and on.

Is it normal to be so pessimistic and have a terrible attitude when you are on the fence with recovery and using? Also would NA be a better fit for me because I'm more of an addict then alcoholic, although I am that too. When they say go to any length to get sober, what do they mean? Because I'm an introvert and enjoy my alone time and do not want a militant sponsor making me go to meetings every single day. Basically, I feel utterly screwed. And not up to the task. I use to be a survivor and would make it out of the jams drugs got me into, but it tooks years and a lot of money and now that I look back and see that, it makes it that much harder to want to fix/improve my life. I have so much to do, yet such little motivation.

I've considered moving to the Phillipeans and just escaping life here, or move to North Carolina like I was going to before I met my girlfriend and got stuck in Cali for longer. The cost of living here (santa barbara, goleta, santa ynez) is atrocious and even with a Bachelors degree I lack discipline, strong work-ethic, impulse control, money management, and social skills. I don't feel like I'll be able to compete in todays society. But my girlfriends parents are nagging me indirectly to get a career already and now I guess the next 40-50 years will be mostly spent working, how fun. The decade of drugs, fornication, youth, and college has ended. Now at 28 I either grow up or end up at 38 just as I am now or worse. It seems like it would be an easy decision but it's not. I don't know if I'm capable of having a 9-5, M-F without the excitement and drama the drugs bring. Normal life just seems boring no matter how secure I am.

All I know is drugs, and much of my childhood memories and good times of my life I don't remember. But boy can I sure remember the bad ones, and they haunt me. When I'm sober I'm a gentlemen and people really like me and I even like me, but when I use I just become this monster of sorts. I have been self-medicating my ADD, depression, anxiety, guilt, regret, etc. for so long my coping mechanisms are only running and working out.

AND I COULD GO ON AND ON. I'm so aware of all my problems I'm literally paralyzed unless you put some meth or heroin in me, and then all of a sudden I'm getting stuff done, paying bills, cleaning my room, doing what I wish/know I should be doing, SOBER. Most nights now I sort of hope that I'll just OD in my sleep and I hate how badly it would hurt my Mom and family, but I'm just so apathetic and selfish right now that I mostly don't care.

I'm stuck being an addict/alcoholic until I die, no more beers at the 4th of July, no more false comfort and trying to use drugs for motivation and inspration to LIVE. Now I have to be like everybody else, pay my dues, and on top of that, live with an incurrable disease that wants to take everything I love and ultimately kill me. So I ask myself, is my life worth living anymore? Do I want to just call it quits and save myself the misery of a life spent going from clean to drugs, to jail, to rehab, constantly lonely even when I'm around family and friends, depressed even when I'm on the beach in Hawaii or on vacation. Do I think I can be one of the 5% that never go back to IV heroin/meth? Honestly, I don't. I'm not unique, special, or invincible anymore now that I'm 28.

I have decided to try and recover and get clean, actually get a sponsor, work all 12 steps, get back into exercise and weight lifting, treat my family and friends and girlfriend the way they deserve, reconnect with God, get a career. But I know myself, and I know that if I achieve all this I'll feel entitled to a reward, and I just don't see me calling my sponsor once I know that heroin is just a quick drive away. I have 0 willpower, and 0 impulse control. Im stubborn and a fool, and pretty stupid although I'm book smart. I have no real skills or hobbies or talents. And if it wasn't for my college degree I would officially label myself a total f***ing loser. When I do right it feels wrong, and when I do wrong its fun and feels right. Maybe my destiny is jails, instituions, and death. Statistically it should be. God doesn't want to seem to cure my addiction handicap, and AA/NA says they have a solution, but I dunno. I feel a storm on the horizon and no way of getting this monkey off my back. Sure I'm young and have so many years left to enjoy, but I'll be chained to AA/NA as a replacement for the drugs and will have to constantly talk and hear about them, when really, I just want to be done and never think/nor talk about them again. I hate the fact that I'm an addict. It's embarassing, and I hate that people in my family know it, and people in my town know it. It's been my way of life for 12 years, my formitive years 16-28 and if you asked me at 16 if one day I'd be sticking needles in my arm I wouldn't have believed it.

Now I wake up to it everyday, the shame, the financial debt, the cravings to escape reality. Why should I go on? Why even try? I'm not a strong man, I'm a scared spoiled brat who had it way to good growing up and now am freaking out. I'm freaking out because I have to face all this stuff head on and sober, and holy crap does that terrify me. I have got to humble myself and get help and support and stop wanting to control my life and be special and independent because I'll keep getting the same results. I'm a slave to this disease, and there is no cure, but it can be managed, but ugghhh what a pain in the ass, as if lifes not hard enough already.

Theres nothing in the future I'm really that excited for. I don't want to die, but don't want to live. I can't live with or without/drugs alcohol. I love God yet I can't ever obey him. I try to be a good person but being bad has always come more naturally. Why should I have hope? Why should I think a junkie/polydrug hardcore addict can actually change. I'm a realist, and my reality and future is either gonna be a miracle, or a f***ing rollercoaster of drama, disaster, and destruction.

So my fellow addicts/alcoholics, maybe some of what I've said has resonated with you in some way. Maybe you remember back to when you rellapsed and had to start Day 1 again despite feeling hopeless. And to those of you who have found the solution to this f***ing curse calling addiction.

WHAT THE HELL DO I HAVE TO ACTUALLY DO TO SURVIVE THIS DISEASE? WHAT DOES GOING TO ANY LENGTHS ACTUALLY MEAN? AND HOW DO I CHANGE MY ATTITUDE AND ACCEPT THAT THERE IS NO EASIER SOFTER WAY?
AND IF SOBRIETY AND ADULTHOOD SEEMS LIKE NOTHING BUT A TOTAL SOUL-SUCKING, 24/7 WORKING, STRESS FEST, WHY SHOULDN'T I CALL IT QUITS AT 28 AND FIND SOME WAY TO END MY LIFE WITH AS MUCH MINIMAL PAIN TO FAMILY/FRIENDS AS POSSIBLE? WHAT COULD EVER FEEL BETTER THAN HEROIN? OR AMPHETAMINES? AND LASTLY, WHY IS LONGTERM SOBRIETY SO EXTREMELY DIFFICULT, AND IS CONTINUING TO EXIST AS EITHER A RECOVERED ADDICT/OR USING ADDICT WORTH IT?

p.s. fml.

Dee74

Sounds like you're in the bind many of us found ourselves - don't really want to live the life you're leading, but you're working hard on convincing yourself that sobriety is too hard.

There's hundreds, thousands, of us here who've found recovery and stayed in it - by choice.

It's not easy, it means a lot of work and a lot of change, but honestly I think the life of an addict is harder.

Early recovery is rough - but if you really commit to change it gets easier - none of us would still be in recovery if that wasn't true - but you need to give it a decent go.

That decent go might be a year or more - but how much time have you given over to self destruction already?

you have a choice really - a chance at something where you just might find a way out., or back to more of the same...

and trust me in 5 10, 15 20 years all the bad stuff you've described above will look like the good old days YAC.

I had a choice to clean up at your age - I decided to ignore that chance and ste in in stoned self pity for the next 20 years. It's not something I'm proud of it's not not something I recommend.

you're young - you have an excellent chance of turning things around and making a great life - don't blow that with anger or fear.

reach out, find some help, and change things.

D

YoungAndClean

Dee74 I just want to thank you from the bottom of my heart. Your dedication to helping people on SR is astonishing and you ought to give yourself a nice pat on the back because I don't know how you do it, but you do.

You are so right, I agree with everything you said and see it as the truth which you've acquired from your own battle with addiction.

I have a question though, does someone at 28 have a much harder/lesser chance and finding longterm sobriety because they haven't lost their wife, home, kids, and experienced a true rock bottom. Someone told me at an AA meeting once that people under 30 RARELY stay sober because they haven't suffered enough to the point of submission to a drastically different, terrify, yet ultimately much better way of living (sobriety).

If when you were 28 someone told you what you told me, would you have changed? Would it have made any difference or was spending another 20 years living in addiction inevitable? If not, what would have had to happen to make you get sober prior to turning 30?

And thank your for the encouragement and taking the time to read my very long post, it means a lot to me. I haven't been able to tell anyone all of that and it was like a bag of bricks on my back.

Dee74

I'm no good at what ifs YAC....but 28 year old me is no model to follow.

at 28 I was immature, both arrogant and self piteous, prone to tantrums and thought nothing of the future.

But just because I was young dumb and ignorant doesn't mean you have to be to

It's a different world now to what it was in the 90s - there's a lot more awareness and a lot more support.

You have SR and AA for starters, two things I didn't have

yeah I turned out ok - if a series of mini strokes and a future of life long health problems is ok - & I know a heck of a lot of guys who didn't make it, or who didn't turn out ok.

you can write a different ending to your story, man

D

YoungAndClean

Your humility is admirable Dee. I really admire people who 'shoot from the hip' and really say it like it is.

So what I'm taking away from all you said is. The most important thing is support? Right? That beating a serious drug/alcohol addiction will take full-hearted involvement in SR, AA, and anything that else that encourages health and sobriety.

I truly hope to God I can change my life around before I'm 30 because I've had enough of this crap. It stopped being fun so many years ago, and I've been fighting to get sober for years but keep rellapsing.

I need to figure out why. I think maybe I didnt humble myself enough in AA and tried to appear like I had sobriety down and was on top of my game. I struggle with pride and allowing people to see me vulnerable and my weaknesses. Also I didn't take direction and tried to work my own program which was essentially not the AA program.

This time around I'm going to NA and will be teachable, obedient, reliable, and dedicated like it was a job. I can't be so apathetic, I have got to really get behind this sobriety thing because half-assing it and doing the bare minimum (and some success) is why, I think, I rellapsed.

It's a simple program, I owe it to myself to work it thoroughly and correctly and after that if I rellapse then I'll find another approach, but as of now I truly believe AA/NA can and does work, and I'm curious what made all the difference whether it be the steps, or getting a sponsor, or getting a sponsee. What made the program work for some and not for others. Attitude? Faith? It's probley too multifaceted to answer I just do not want to ever have to put myself through another hellish rellapse. EVER.

It worries me, most of the people at the AA meetings I attend are 40-70 years old. Maybe its just me but the younger you are the more of a disadvantage you have towards success within the program. This may or may not be true, but it has concerned me, because if where I'm at right now isn't rock bottom, oh man, I dread finding it out in the future.

One last thing. I wish I were just an alcoholic. I'm not though, I'm a polydrug user who has done nearly every drug except crack and a few rare ones. I'm also an ex- IV user. So I'd be lieing if I weren't afraid having gone so deep, my chances of recovering are near impossible Isn't there some statistic that says IV heroin users have a 95% rellapse rate in their first year?

Those kind of odds are beyond terrifying and discouraging but I don't want to try to recover if I don't have the faith that I can be healed ya know? I have to believe that I can change and live the rest of my life sober if I do the same thing as the other winners in the program have.

tgirl

visch1

I often think of the questions posted above and conclude that it doesn't matter so often. I also learned the hard way before the internet was heard of. Fortunately AA was/is around and is my life ring to this day, along with reading these posts for a up to the minute remember when. AS time went by I learned " I was immature, both arrogant and self piteous, prone to tantrums and thought nothing of the future." Dees quote. I was told that alcohol really is the tip of the problem and the underlying reasons needed repair, my actions and reactions to FEELINGS! Fear is probably the #1 reason I drank to excess. Fear of getting well I suppose slowed me and others from getting into REAL recovery which started with honesty with myself and a big desire not to feel again of being sick and tired of being sick and tired. BE WELL

visch1

As a footnote. In my short time around this forum Dee overwhelms me with so many short profound responses. I believe he would be, if not already, a great therapist for the sick and suffering. The negative on that it's a quick burn out way of life if my trying to help is any example frustration wise. Then the people that recover are a huge joy to behold and worth a lot of frustrations. BE WELL

Dee74

I knew if I gave this a decent go, that recovery was my best chance.

without recovery tho, I had no hope of change and no hope of achieving any of my dreams goals or ambitions.

Those are the only odds that matter I think, YAC

D

YoungAndClean

Well guys things took a turn for the worst. My girlfriend of 5 months dumped me Tuesday and I've been unable to get out of bed and have been to 2 psychiatrists and 1 doctor in one weeks time and despite the meds they gave me to numb the pain. I am so heart broken.

She knew all my deepest secrets and battles with addiction and when she jumped ship it hurt so bad, and also today I got in a bad fight with my parents about how they aren't giving me enough time to grieve. I truly loved this girl. So I have court in 2 weeks, and then by the end of August I have to find a new place to live.

Drugs have cost me yet another thing, the girl of my dreams. Now all I have is a car I love and the bare necessity's, which I should be thankful for, but I don't know where or what I'm going to do. I have ZERO motivation towards recovery, and I really am tempted to just take off to somewhere far away, or just commit suicide. I'm not trying to cry wolf or scare anyone, but I'm 28 and have been fighting this battle for so many years and have lost so much, yet I would rather get more pills then give AA/NA a legitimate try. What is wrong with me? Why is my attititude so horrible?

I am the most cynical and hopelessly depressed person I swear. I'm not at all excited for the future because all I see is more suffering, work, and pain. I know you guys are going to tell me that I'm the master of my destiny, but right now I feel like a puppet, a slave. And I'm rebeling against rehab, rebeling against outpatient, just angry with God and why I had to be an addict. Thanks for letting me vent.

ananias

I read on here that you don't hit rock bottom until you stop digging. Are you ready to yet?

You sounded like you really liked the person that you were when you were clean. You can be him again. You have seen where you can go and that's only a start. You can get there again. Vent away my friend but eventually you are gonna have to do something. Climb out or keep digging and eventually bury yourself.

You can do it.

Mistical

Don't give up! You are going through so much right now and I'm sure it seems like their is no light at the end of the tunnel but you can turn things around for yourself! Don't talk so badly about yourself! Obviously if you have a college degree you are in fact a smart guy and you should be proud of yourself! Like everyone says take things one day at a time or minute by minute! I know thinking about long term future sobriety always makes me want to just say f*** it so I no longer think about being sober forever I think about being sober today! I don't know what heroin addiction is like but I know a lot about Meth addiction and rember how much anger I had about the whole situation! I was mad at myself, my parents, and was mad as hell at God. I prayed constantly for the thought of using to leave my mind! Honestly took a couple of years but eventually the thoughts.came less often! I haven't used since may 2003 & if I can beat that I can definitely beat alcohol! Your not alone in your battle! Everyone here is more then willing to support you! Dont give up your worth the fight!.

YoungAndClean

I can't live with drugs, I can't live without them. I feel like I need them to manage all the problems brought on by the drugs/alcohol in the first place!

This certainly was not how I saw the summer after graduating college going. But I can't seem to bring myself to function. The bills are getting higher and higher and I'll have very productive days and days where I sit in bed all day long. Whoever asked me if I've hit rock bottom, my answer is yes. Now if I could muster up the courage to believe that AA/NA works and recovery is possible for a polydrug +alcoholic like myself, then maybe I could get the sober me back, because I was a million times happier.

I am having such a hard time getting back into the recovery mindset, I'm still turning to pills to numb out my problems or make them more manageable because getting sober on top of all the drama, legal problems, heart ache, just seems like I'll break in half. I know using is only a temporary solution but I can't shake the fact that I need the ADD medication, anxiety medication, depression medication.

Should I just focus on not drinking and doing anything illegal to start? I'm an extreme guy, for example, tommorow I set my alarm for 5:30am, and then told myself I'm going to run 30 min to the 6am sickies AA meeting. Try to start a routine. But the problem is if I don't follow through I get extremely depressed and just sulk and sulk and sulk.

I know I can get my life back and clean things up, aka, stop digging deeper. It's just getting that motivation to jump that has been so difficult since my last rellapse. I guess I'm tired of the inconsistency in every area of my life. I'm tired of working half the week only to spend the second half in bed feeling like a failure, weak man, and worthless addict.

In case it isn't obvious, I'm overwhelmed and it's all my fault! I don't want to keep screwing up but it just keeps happening because I keep flip-flopping, somedays recovery works, otherdays it won't as I am a hopeless cause. I'm very depressed and am having such a hard time ever thinking I can get 4 months of sobriety again. I see the light at the end of the tunnel, but it sure is dim.

Dee74

YAC when all else fails - do something I reckon

whether it's see your Dr or a counsellor, or going back to AA/NA, or rehab...whatever....but doing nothing is only going to make things worse...much much worse.

D

YoungAndClean

Thanks my plan is to stay so busy that I don't have time to feel depressed and think about my life problems. Also going to AA/NA, try to get a healthy routine going also. Thanks for allowing me to vent guys, Ive been really hurting since Tuesday when my GF dumped me.

Viperidae

YoungandClean, I am no recovery expert, but there a few things I can tell you as a 43 year old man who has very similar thoughts.

Please, please take care of yourself. You are not going to die, so forget it.

1. Putting in the time now WILL pay off. If you have the option to check in to a place for a good long stay, it would not be time wasted. 28 is young, I know you said that, but I don't think you really know how young it is. All you know is now. If you put in 3-6 months inpatient, and another 6 in AA, you would only be 29 or 30 and could basically do whatever you want with your life. Or a year in NA, whatever it is, do the work now. You said you wanted to help people. At 30 start an MSW degree and at 32 years old, go out and do it. That is still young.

2. YOU DO NOT HAVE TO LIVE THE TRADITIONAL LIFE THAT MOST PEOPLE DO. Chained to a cubical and eating TV dinners in front of Survivor every day, answering to a family you don't like and dealing with all kinds of ridiculous expectations and stress. To hell with that. You obviously do not want that at all. Maybe thats why you're always wasted.

Heck, after a couple of years sober and an Masters of Social Work you could be in the Peace Corps in Costa Rica, on the beach, and never come back. Helping people. Or teaching scuba diving in Thailand. My friend got sober and is actually a Dive Master in Thailand. $5000 for 6 months of training and lodging, and he got a job. Or anything else you can possibly think of. Sure being a movie star is far fetched, but there are plenty of interesting, fun, nontraditional jobs, that you can simply move towards and get. And you sound a lot smarter than most of the people that have good jobs!!

At 28 you have a ton of time to get there. I drank through my 20's and 30's avoiding the traditional life and being the bad boy, and now I REALLY feel screwed. I just hid and drank and smoked pot. I did get an education from 34-41 at one of the best schools there is, while drunk, but the last 2 years have been an utter waste. Don't be like me. I now have 0 work experience and I'm getting old.

I live in CT where the cost of living is also utterly obscene. I want to leave and I am not cut out for the 9-5 BS.

Maybe you're a spoiled brat, but so are a lot of other people, and it doesn't make you bad. You are not a bad person. You are the person you like when you get sober. I am trying to learn that myself.

I know this is sensitive right now, and I'm sorry about your girl, but you might need to be only about you for a long while. If you get a sponsor that is a Nazi, dump them and get someone else. Shop around. A person like you is not going to take kindly to a control freak, I can tell.

Take the time now, it WILL be worth it. Thats my 2 cents. Good luck, you sound like a smart good guy.

EndGameNYC

Hey there, YAC.

Many of us live so much and so long in despair, we feel helpless to live any other way. Or we're too frightened to live differently.

The psych meds you're taking are severely compromised by your drinking and use of other drugs, but that's not the worst of it for you. Your daily life is a living hell. And you can't see any way out. I'm with you there, as that's how I lived during my three-year relapse after twenty five years without a drink. I needed to drink myself to near-death to stop. Near the end, it was a labor for me to walk from my bedroom to the bathroom -- an exhausting and intimidating thirty feet.

I didn't intend to stop drinking; I expected to die from my drinking, and I was extremely disappointed whenever I regained consciousness from my daily blackouts, only to find that I was still alive.

My "bottom" was that I could no longer function without regular supervision. Even after I detoxed, I still wanted to drink. I just didn't have the means or the motivation to continue. I forced myself to live in the dreary world of a recovering alcoholic, anticipating a time when I would get back on my feet and renew my relationship with alcohol. I was so stubborn that I stayed in recovery long enough to see the light at the end of my tunnel, and this time the light wasn't an oncoming train.

If you can find a way to give yourself as much compassion as you'd give to someone else who's suffering so deeply, then that's a start.

I wish I had more to offer. It took me several months to actually want to get better, and part of me is still surprised that I did. One thing that helped me a great deal was to accept tender-loving care from other people. It may not have saved my life, but it did help to repair my soul.

Soberpotamus

Such powerful shares already, and great advice!

All I can add to this is my own personal experience. And to make a long story short, I'll share with you that I first got sober at age 27. Stayed sober for over a year. Tried again at 30, very briefly, again in my early 30's, and finally got sober this April, age 36.

When I first got sober at age 27, I'd yet to experience the death of anyone close to me. Unfortunately, my dear grandmother died when I was 28. It devastated me. I was closer to her than I was to my alcoholic mom. My grandmother was like my mom. Then, I lost my mom at age 33... she finally died from complications of a prescription drug overdose. Basically, she'd succumbed to her addictions after years of abuse.

All this to say... you never ever know what life is gonna throw at you. And it seems it throws the worst of it at you at the most inconvenient times!! That's how it was for me.

So, if you can get sober now... by all means, do it. And do it quickly, do it with sincerity, and fight for your sobriety... educate yourself... get support. Do whatever it takes! This is my best advice. Because life is all about change. And change, for addicts, is not usually a good thing. So, if you have any means at all of achieving sobriety in your 20's, I HIGHLY recommend it. Took me 9 years to finally "get it"!! And I'm a smart girl Lol. So... it's not about intelligence either, apparently. Haha.

David10

You talk a lot about committing suicide as an easy way out for you and your family. Wrong on both counts, suicide can be a very brutal way to die and is emotionally devastating to the people you leave behind so don't do it. Stop putting so much pressure on yourself and stay with recovery. Best of luck.

Soberpotamus

Agreed. And I hope the OP isn't seriously considering it. I know we all have thoughts like these running through our minds sometimes... but I'm speaking from a place of helplessness to stop my mother from her supposed suicide by overdose. My mom's death was ruled a suicide, based on multiple prior attempts. She ended up having to be taken off life support, after surviving two months in an induced coma-like state... she'd developed ARDS after inhaling the vomit from the stuff they give you to empty your stomach contents of the drugs. I was the one who had to give the ok to take her off life support.

Please realize that when you consider suicide, you are potentially giving those you love a guaranteed hell on earth existence, as they are left to make sense of it all.