DrSober

So here's the story. I'm currently on day 43 of sobriety, I'm attending 2-3 Lifering meetings per week (plus chat meetings), posting here, and have met with a psychologist once (will see him again next week). I think all things considered I'm doing OK.

I did two weeks inpatient and two weeks outpatient at a local treatment center. All completely voluntary. My inpatient counselor and I agreed on this plan, I had it in written form in my hand when I started outpatient.

My "evening outpatient counselor" was OK. Both counselors have the downside of being almost exclusively 12-step-facilitation based, but I did all of my assignments, came to all groups on time, and currently I feel very comfortable with where I am at this stage.

Here's the problem. I have two small children and a demanding job. My workplace had no idea that when I got "sick" that I was in an inpatient drug treatment program. I had to miss a very big chunk of work and actually take several days of unpaid leave to do it. Also, my wife (who works) had to take over childcare entirely while I was gone and there's no question it was very stressful to her and to us.

So, I very much counted on the fact that my inpatient counselors plan for me was to discharge four weeks after my admission was in force.

The problem was the moment I reminded my outpatient counselor of this plan he almost immediately started hemming and hawing. He said things like, "we've barely scratched the surface," and encouraged me to continue in this outpatient program. I made sure that I made a point of sitting down with him on a couple of different occasions, thinking I was engaging in a negotiation and discussion with him, and I told him that I agree - I have a lot more work to do, yes, we have just "scratched the surface," but I have a demanding job, they need me back, and my wife is under increasing stress with me being gone large portions of the day four days per week.

He didn't really give me any more specifics and let me know exactly what was so critical about me continuing beyond the originally-agreed-upon discharge date (e.g., what changed? have I gone downhill in some big way? is there some forseeable risk to my recovery because I haven't "scratched the surface" further with him? what?), just that he wanted me to stay longer. OK. I told him I really couldn't, and he said OK, and then in my final meeting with him he encouraged me to come back to the program and take advantage of their continuing care program (which are groups offered to alumni in the evenings on an a la carte basis). I said I would try, and discussed it with my wife later.

After talking with my wife about it, it seemed like I didn't probably have tons of time to attend continuing care meetings at this program, for the same reasons that I couldn't interminably continue evening outpatient meetings - I have two small children, a demanding job, my wife works, and frankly, having all of these connections to a conventional sober lifestyle are really important to my recovery. My wife an I agreed on me just attending local Lifering meetings when I could - which I am happy with and so is she.

Well, here's what happened. I got a call about three weeks after I left the program entirely (under what I thought were good circumstances) and was out of the blue informed on my answering machine that I was "not allowed" to return to continuing care at the program because I left earlier than he recommended I do. Ohhhhhhh kay.

So now, I'm struggling with feelings of resentment and anger. Bad feelings for someone in early recovery to deal with. Nothing's really changed, of course. I'm still going to my Lifering meetings, I'm still going to post here, I'm still going to do therapy, I am *NOT* going to let this drag me down.

But the fact is, I feel hurt. My wife said, "you probably are feeling that your integrity is being maligned." Exactly it - I thought I have handled my recovery like a champ for the first time in my life and this certified drug counselor apparently arbitrarily decides to **** on my accomplishments.

I tried calling him back a couple of nights ago (he asked me to call him, OK). I got him on the phone and he said he was busy and would call me back that evening. He never called back. I called him again. He hasn't called back in two days. WHAT THE F**K?

So I'm not sure what I should do here - should I try and have a dialogue with this guy further? If he continues to not call me back and maybe even avoid me, should I try and escalate the matter? Does it really matter....? I don't have the *time* to go to those evening outpatient meetings anyways, except possibly once in a blue moon.

I just called him back and my voicemail message was a bit more curt than I wanted to. But I'm annoyed he didn't call me back (when he said he would!). I'm angry at this guy's lack of communication, and I'm pissed at being "maligned." I don't get this guy.

I mean, let's get this straight - so, I tell him that if I get further treatment at this particular frequency and intensity, it might hurt my recovery by virtue of stressing my marriage and job further. What I can *tolerate* and might make use of is further (continuing care) treatment at a lower frequency and intensity (along with my regular meetings and therapy I do myself).

No, instead, the logical response is, 'if you don't do it our way, you get no help at all.' Right. That makes f**king tons of sense. Idiot.

Anyways thanks for listening. Supportive comments appreciated.

Grungehead

You can only be "maligned" if you give yourself permission to be "maligned". Reread your post again. You wanted to end the rehab sessions 4 weeks after you were discharged from inpatient (as agreed with your IP councilor). Your OP councilor wanted you to stay longer. Since you did all of this voluntarily it was your choice to begin with. You chose to leave for your own reasons which is fine. The only hang up I see is that they won't allow you to use the aftercare program, and by what you said it sounds like you wouldn't have much time for them anyway.

So the way I see it you have a resentment for getting what you wanted in the first place, which was ending the rehab sessions. If you really want continuing care I bet you can find a program like that at other rehab centers. You say "supportive comments appreciated" LOL. I'm sorry it doesn't work that way. That is basically like saying "comments that agree with me only".

ClearLight

I know I had to shop around for therapists and groups.

Hopefully this program isn't the only game in town for you. If it was me I would find another place and/or therapist.

DrSober

I agree... and like you said, I don't really want continuing care. So far, I'm pretty happy with what I'm doing.


Well, I guess it doesn't... but you did OK. Did you think I wouldn't find your above comments supportive?

I guess what I'm sensitive to is the possible "your discharging early was the addict talking" or something ridonkulous like that. I know that I'm focusing probably too much on my being right and this counselor being wrong.

I just talked with my wife about it again. She said, "look, you know you're right, and you know he's wrong.... and did you really want to do this continuing care anyways?" She also told me that focusing on how wrong someone else is (regardless of how objectively wrong they are) is a great way to ignore one's own s**t. So, there we are.

I guess I'm just looking for someone to tell me that I'm making a tempest in teapot to my own detriment.

Mirage74

Man, thanks for posting this! I'm in an outpatient program right now, and had a big blowup with my counselors yesterday. I told one counselor, in private, that I wanted to change groups. She told the other counselor, who got angry and called me out in front of the group and started yelling at me. My point is, just because they are alcohol counselors doesn't mean they are great at what they do or automatically know what's best for you. You have to do what's best for you. Can you go over his head and explain the situation to his supervisor? If they are preventing you from coming back when you've done everything you've said you'd do, something is screwy. It sounds to me like you handled it the right way, and should talk to someone else there about that counselor.

Grungehead

Actually I wasn't sure if you would or not.

I'm glad you did. Sometimes I can be "very direct", I guess because that method works best on me.

I do care though and I'm glad you shared your feelings. That is what is great about this place, it's a place where you can vent your feelings to other people who understand and/or have been in the same exact situation you are in. I didn't do inpatient but I have been in outpatient rehab twice before. I had that feeling of them resisting when I was ready to cut the umbilical cord. It's an awkward time in sobriety because I didn't know whether or not to trust my instincts that it was time to work my own program without their help.

christin1225

I think that venting here and to your wife are great first strategies.

If you still feel that you're harboring resentments, perhaps you can write the counselor (and it wouldn't be such a bad idea to copy his supervisor). I find that I'm calmer and can present my points more clearly in writing.

And... I think that it's TOTALLY okay to request "agree with me only" replies. If you get a lot of views but no replies... well... you seem smart enough to eventually get the message. I am a firm believer that there are times that we are too emotionally raw to receive negative feedback. I've been pushed too far and, instead of pushing back, I've retreated (sometimes right back into a bottle of pills).

Honestly, there are times when Thumper's daddy was right, "If you can't say something nice, don't say nothing at all." Toughlove can harm or help. It's really hard to tell which it will be when you're seeing only an avatar. I trust that you know where you're at emotionally much better than I ever could from my computer screen.

All the best to you and to your young family!

DrSober

I'm tempted to not actually pursue this anymore at all - primarily based on the conversation I just had with my wife. What would it gain me? Very little other than perhaps a fleeting sense of satisfaction over being right. What would it cost me? Probably a lot of stress facing down a defensive counselor, time lost, etc.

cleaninLI

Dr,
I agree with mirage, just because they are drug counselors, doesn't mean they are doing their job right. If I were you, I would let it go. In life we need to choose our battles. Since you aren't interested in attending the evening groups anyways. I realize its the principal that counts, but as long as you know you are doing the right thing in your recovery, you can let her attitude slide. It's her issue, perhaps need to control, not yours. Congratulations on your recovery!

Carlotta

Remember too that they are used to people who are not ready to recover (some of them mandated) who lie, cheat and manipulate. It's one of those professions where it s easy to come in as a wide eyed, bushy tailed newcomer and burn out and become blase within a few years.

Grungehead

I'm not going to hijack DrSober's thread, but I do agree with this to a point. Sometimes not telling someone the truth is the same as enabling them, but if in doubt we should err on the side of compassion.

Mirage74

Yea, if you want to let it go, do that. I just wouldnt appreciate them telling me I wasn't allowed back when you haven't done anything wrong. Who knows if you'll need them again in the future. But if you're fine with it, sure, let it go.

DrSober

Yeah, I'm not sure what it matters, realistically. I have at least a half-dozen Lifering meetings I can attend in my immediate area in any given week, plus gobs of online support, plus a wife in recovery who provides good (increasingly well-bounded) support as well. Continuing care meetings are difficult, logistically, to actually attend at all.

I think I may write that letter if he doesn't end up calling back (and cc his supervisor) and then make a point of just moving on after that.

Mizzuno

I have not read all the responses, only your first post. So, I would like to say that please know your recovery is not based on this mans opinion of what you should do. If you can not afford the time, due to life, then do what you can do. This does not mean that you are going to fail in anyway shape or from. When I first approached recovery, I was a sponge and let every one dictate what I thought was best for my life. This was not helpful for me. You are not using, and that is the point of all of this.
You have to live your life. I am sorry that this man can not keep his word with you, and call you back. It sounds like this man is controlling? Am I wrong in this?

Mirage74

Yea, after reading this, I think the letter may be the best option, if you do decide to do something. Write it well, mail it, let it go..

visch1

Hi. I'm pretty direct as I over the years heard so much BS coming from new comers who "have it together in their mind" Many people thing if they are "sober" they are OK. I'll bet that counselor has tried to help hundreds see the light involving the continued work needed and us know it alls reject that idea. "Both counselors have the downside of being almost exclusively 12-step-facilitation based" So that's bad because that fellowship works for millions but the great I AM is an exception because I have all the answers. When I came to AA I was told to take the cotton out of my ears, put it in my mouth and sit up front and listen as you have nothing to contribute. No not soft and cuddly but 100% right on. Many new comers don't understand the severity of this disease and how it's waiting to take us out in a heart beat. Look at all the relapses remembering there is no guarantee we can come back. The #1 priority is repairing our minds and body which in many cases were badly damaged. ALL other things are situations that take second place. I rejected that too until I was faced with being dead within 6 months or less if I continued my alcohol induced path. BE WELL

DrSober

I'm not sure how much of what you're saying is a response to me? And are you saying I should give my counselor a break or something? Why?

Re your comment:

I don't think you're in denial about your recovery and addiction because you don't subscribe to the Lifering approach, so I would expect the same kind of consideration would be offered to those of us working an active program that specifically doesn't include 12-step approaches, of which there are many of us (probably in the millions at this point as well). Apparently I'm being misunderstood - I wasn't making a generalized criticism of 12-step approaches. I just know that they aren't for me, and fortunately, I have very valid alternatives available, so I'm using them (Lifering, therapy).

Anyways, all of this - including the fact that I'm in early recovery - is aside from the fact that my counselor hasn't been returning my calls, or communicating with me properly. Still boils down to the question of whether I should do something about it, let it go, or do something in between.

Thanks for everyone's contributions!

Mirage74

Visch, gonna have to disagree with you there. Newcomers do have something to contribute. Just because someone has a lot of time doesn't mean they have all the answers either. If someone starts bossing me around, telling me to sit down and shut up, I'm out. Newcomers remind old timers what it was like. Old timers teach them how to get sober. Sobriety is not taught by preaching, but by example. JMO

DrSober

I shouldn't have included that sentence where I talked about my counselors being exclusively 12-step facilitation based as being a "downside." The fact is, it was a downside but it didn't in the end make that much difference (my inpatient counselor - who also happened to be the senior counselor in the program with 30 years experience - was generally pretty awesome) and really is irrelevant to the post I made above. I go to meetings, I do therapy, I'm committed to sobriety. I'm not going to knock anyone else's use of 12-step, I'm just saying that the only way I'm going to be able to do this sobriety thing over the long haul, FOR ME - is to avoid the 12-step stuff. Oil goes great in salad dressing but mixes terribly with water. That doesn't mean oil is an awful additive that doesn't enliven millions of people's salad dressings every evening around the world, that just means oil isn't necessarily something to be indiscriminately thrown into every meal.

visch1

Well if it works for you long term that's good for you. I've seen a lot of people from other recovery methods come to AA and assume many from AA going to other methods of recovery. The problem with this disease is it lies to us in so many ways just about always. I know the fellowship has a decent longevity record which I say is 20 years and know a good # with 40+ years. ALL one day at a time. Whatever method it involves honesty, not picking up the first drink, and being prepared for a lot of personal work. BE WELL