Day 31 Check In\ Finally My Story (Lengthy)
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Day 31 Check In\ Finally My Story (Lengthy)
Yea still alive and sober evem though I just wanna crawl under a rock w\ some beers ... Been a Harsh reality the past month and keeps getting harsher 
But So most know where I am coming from here ya go; Me in a Post :p
I was 13 when I had my first drink & of course smoke; Pot and a few other things as well :p But I never latched on to anything like I did the Smoke & Booze .. It was summer vaca from Middle school and being board "bad boys" a friend and I; stole a bottle of Vodka from his Mom and preceded to "enjoy it" Honestly, can't remember a thing from that night but that has nothing to do w\ how wasted we got .. The reason for my short term memory loss; well 1 of the major reasons is coming up .. So from then on we would get beers or booze; depending if we had the money to buy it or snatch the parents :p Every weekend w\ out fail ... But soon it started to take a hold on me more and would have my own "private" parties .. This continued on & off until I was 16; then that is where the "fun" really begin :p It was at this point that we were a "group" now girls guys hangin' on the weekends for the most part .. In fields, wood, the "cool" parents house and partying .. Smoking drinking Bong Hits; lines at times .. Several million "trips" that year as well.(LSD,Mushrooms,Peyote,) After a short while we started cutting more and more then normal and partying; that's when the "Man"(school admin) realized "the problem" parents and house we would all goto and called the "man" on us one day ... Needless to say they never caught a single person since we knew the area better then they did; but my friend was home liget, He was "sick" so he had to answer the door, his parents were notified of all the open beers and little bit of pot that day and he was forced out of high school at that point .. Well a few weeks after that & finding a new "goto" place another friend decided Screw this school stuff & he quit .. and you guessed it a few weeks after that; I was approached by school admin and requested leave\quit or face expulsion. If expelled I could never return to the school system again if I "woke up" one day .. So I quit .. Our group kept hanging a little less people cause some needed that school "thing" for some reason :p So alright you guys get the point; I started way early and way fast .. My 16th Summer I was involved in an "accident" meaning we drunkenly rolled a 78 Camero on it's hood; that was "borrowed" by the way .. Attempted to make it look stolen; shatered windows and was gonna blow it up as well; when we saw the blue lights; we Ran I ran the wrong way jumped a guard rail took a step that wasn't there; fell 40+ feet into a stream .. Ended up in a 38 hour coma; came out of it had to learn how to write all over again read and so on ... Well I faced charges too since I was the only one "caught" but I screwed my short term memory up for good that night . Incident 1 of being told I had a problem .. Yet I ignored it cause I was having "fun" Once out of the hopsital and all I was on "lock-down" w\ my parents .. But my boys snuck me some LSD Booze whatever I wanted ... So I decided to give this school "thing" another shot; but b\c of when I quit and when I decided to go back; I would graduate 2 years behind all my friends .. Well I stuck with it .. got through that and was then 18
legal age to go to jail .. 18 summer after some dead shows I decided to pay a visit to the beach to an Old Friends house (mr vodka's parents had a place there) Had a serious quantity of LSD on me; Planning to eat it really lol But was broke needed beer money so He tried to sell it to someone on the board walk; Yep an Under cover cop .. W\ me telling him the whole time not to trust these people they don't "feel" right ... Well he didn't listen ended up facing 25 to life for manufacturing and distributing LSD .. Ohhh on top of that state charge; the feds were thinking of charging me ... After all is said and done I served 12 weeks 3 hours and 23 minutes (no short term memory prob there lol) Incident 2 again I was told I "had a problem" and again I blew it off .. Did the east coast tour w\ the Dead on and off all the way to RFK '95 ... Then Jerry Passed and I almost quickly started to realize WTF am I going to do now ??? Can't get a Job by saying yea I sold Water & LSD At Dead shows .. Well I became a hermit .. Then that was when my agoraphobia kicked in .. When I stopped drinking; or so I rationalized to myself so I could get the nerve up to go out of my parents place .. So now we are a 24 yo living w\ his parents no real skills for work nor any desire to work or become part of society .. This is longer and sadder then I thought it was gonna be so Will post part 2-3 later if anyone wants to hear all the way threw to Now at 42 :p 
But So most know where I am coming from here ya go; Me in a Post :pI was 13 when I had my first drink & of course smoke; Pot and a few other things as well :p But I never latched on to anything like I did the Smoke & Booze .. It was summer vaca from Middle school and being board "bad boys" a friend and I; stole a bottle of Vodka from his Mom and preceded to "enjoy it" Honestly, can't remember a thing from that night but that has nothing to do w\ how wasted we got .. The reason for my short term memory loss; well 1 of the major reasons is coming up .. So from then on we would get beers or booze; depending if we had the money to buy it or snatch the parents :p Every weekend w\ out fail ... But soon it started to take a hold on me more and would have my own "private" parties .. This continued on & off until I was 16; then that is where the "fun" really begin :p It was at this point that we were a "group" now girls guys hangin' on the weekends for the most part .. In fields, wood, the "cool" parents house and partying .. Smoking drinking Bong Hits; lines at times .. Several million "trips" that year as well.(LSD,Mushrooms,Peyote,) After a short while we started cutting more and more then normal and partying; that's when the "Man"(school admin) realized "the problem" parents and house we would all goto and called the "man" on us one day ... Needless to say they never caught a single person since we knew the area better then they did; but my friend was home liget, He was "sick" so he had to answer the door, his parents were notified of all the open beers and little bit of pot that day and he was forced out of high school at that point .. Well a few weeks after that & finding a new "goto" place another friend decided Screw this school stuff & he quit .. and you guessed it a few weeks after that; I was approached by school admin and requested leave\quit or face expulsion. If expelled I could never return to the school system again if I "woke up" one day .. So I quit .. Our group kept hanging a little less people cause some needed that school "thing" for some reason :p So alright you guys get the point; I started way early and way fast .. My 16th Summer I was involved in an "accident" meaning we drunkenly rolled a 78 Camero on it's hood; that was "borrowed" by the way .. Attempted to make it look stolen; shatered windows and was gonna blow it up as well; when we saw the blue lights; we Ran I ran the wrong way jumped a guard rail took a step that wasn't there; fell 40+ feet into a stream .. Ended up in a 38 hour coma; came out of it had to learn how to write all over again read and so on ... Well I faced charges too since I was the only one "caught" but I screwed my short term memory up for good that night . Incident 1 of being told I had a problem .. Yet I ignored it cause I was having "fun" Once out of the hopsital and all I was on "lock-down" w\ my parents .. But my boys snuck me some LSD Booze whatever I wanted ... So I decided to give this school "thing" another shot; but b\c of when I quit and when I decided to go back; I would graduate 2 years behind all my friends .. Well I stuck with it .. got through that and was then 18
legal age to go to jail .. 18 summer after some dead shows I decided to pay a visit to the beach to an Old Friends house (mr vodka's parents had a place there) Had a serious quantity of LSD on me; Planning to eat it really lol But was broke needed beer money so He tried to sell it to someone on the board walk; Yep an Under cover cop .. W\ me telling him the whole time not to trust these people they don't "feel" right ... Well he didn't listen ended up facing 25 to life for manufacturing and distributing LSD .. Ohhh on top of that state charge; the feds were thinking of charging me ... After all is said and done I served 12 weeks 3 hours and 23 minutes (no short term memory prob there lol) Incident 2 again I was told I "had a problem" and again I blew it off .. Did the east coast tour w\ the Dead on and off all the way to RFK '95 ... Then Jerry Passed and I almost quickly started to realize WTF am I going to do now ??? Can't get a Job by saying yea I sold Water & LSD At Dead shows .. Well I became a hermit .. Then that was when my agoraphobia kicked in .. When I stopped drinking; or so I rationalized to myself so I could get the nerve up to go out of my parents place .. So now we are a 24 yo living w\ his parents no real skills for work nor any desire to work or become part of society .. This is longer and sadder then I thought it was gonna be so Will post part 2-3 later if anyone wants to hear all the way threw to Now at 42 :p 
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Thanx; Can't promise anything on 2-3 yet .. Well I was just trying to explain why the pain and other things I have stated in other post I never shared; and it just came out of my fingers lol First time I reread it :p I didn't graduate till I was 20 .. But turned 18 when I was back in HS .. Seemed strange when I reread it .. lol
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Congrats on 31 days, August!
I think it's a big step that you've shared your story. It was challenging but you did it. And see - nothing bad happened)
When you share you pain with others, it becomes easier.
I am looking forward to parts 2 and 3 as well.
Take care.
I think it's a big step that you've shared your story. It was challenging but you did it. And see - nothing bad happened)
When you share you pain with others, it becomes easier.
I am looking forward to parts 2 and 3 as well.
Take care.
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Thanks for sharing AW. While your story sounds pretty bad at times, it could have been written by a lot of us here. Hopefully getting it all "out there" will help you move forward with your life and your newfound sobriety. 31 days is a great accomplishment, you should be very proud.
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Thanx Guys; Actually Yea Scott, been helping some ... Part 2
24 w\ the rents and really not willing to be anywhere but in my lil "world" Didn't drink much cause Dad was an alcoholic; Surprise :p He just quit Decades before .. But I did know before I took that first swig of Vodka .. One day an old Buddy of mine showed up at my parents around 98 Said he heard I still lived there and wanted to say Hey and hang out since he hadn't seen me in years .. Well I couldn't say no to getting a chance to make an old Bro happy LOL So we went out for Beers and wings .. Well that started a land slide of a Binge that lasted well into a month .. 5/7 days I was lit .. Or should I say I was drunk 5/7 and on all kinds of downers the other 2 to avoid the anxiety and shakes and all .
In the middle of one of my Binges my parents some how got word to me; memory is shot; so no clue how I heard .. But I heard my Grandmother was sick .. Well I of course I had to see her she was 78 or so .. I sobered up at my Boys place and took some Valium Then went to her place .. My Aunts Uncles Cousins all coming and going while Mom and an Aunt took care of her and said she won't go to the hospital .. After a little chatting between the uncles and rest of us we convinced her to go b\c it was more then a stomach flu ..
She went and this "stomach" flu she was diagnosed w\ 3 weeks earlier (which I was too drunk to hear about) turned out to be in operable stomach cancer The hospital said there was nothing they could do for her at that age and we better find a Hospice for her cause she only has a couple of weeks at most .. I was devastated; so devastated that I had to call my boys up of course .. told my Mom "page" me; remember them things LOL When they have her settled .. Well she paged me .. I let it be; I was too drunk shooting pool to show up at a place like that .. 2 more days to get me "level' enough to go .. When I got there they told me straight that any day now .. Asked if I would like to see her; I said will she even know; and nahh she had no clue at that point .. It had already taken it's toll on her mind too .. Next thing I know I was out tearing up w\ a few ( I have 32) of my cousins having a smoke and Mom rushed out and said IT's TIME .. more tears ... Will do the final part in a few
24 w\ the rents and really not willing to be anywhere but in my lil "world" Didn't drink much cause Dad was an alcoholic; Surprise :p He just quit Decades before .. But I did know before I took that first swig of Vodka .. One day an old Buddy of mine showed up at my parents around 98 Said he heard I still lived there and wanted to say Hey and hang out since he hadn't seen me in years .. Well I couldn't say no to getting a chance to make an old Bro happy LOL So we went out for Beers and wings .. Well that started a land slide of a Binge that lasted well into a month .. 5/7 days I was lit .. Or should I say I was drunk 5/7 and on all kinds of downers the other 2 to avoid the anxiety and shakes and all .
In the middle of one of my Binges my parents some how got word to me; memory is shot; so no clue how I heard .. But I heard my Grandmother was sick .. Well I of course I had to see her she was 78 or so .. I sobered up at my Boys place and took some Valium Then went to her place .. My Aunts Uncles Cousins all coming and going while Mom and an Aunt took care of her and said she won't go to the hospital .. After a little chatting between the uncles and rest of us we convinced her to go b\c it was more then a stomach flu ..
She went and this "stomach" flu she was diagnosed w\ 3 weeks earlier (which I was too drunk to hear about) turned out to be in operable stomach cancer
The hospital said there was nothing they could do for her at that age and we better find a Hospice for her cause she only has a couple of weeks at most .. I was devastated; so devastated that I had to call my boys up of course .. told my Mom "page" me; remember them things LOL When they have her settled .. Well she paged me .. I let it be; I was too drunk shooting pool to show up at a place like that .. 2 more days to get me "level' enough to go .. When I got there they told me straight that any day now .. Asked if I would like to see her; I said will she even know; and nahh she had no clue at that point .. It had already taken it's toll on her mind too .. Next thing I know I was out tearing up w\ a few ( I have 32) of my cousins having a smoke and Mom rushed out and said IT's TIME .. more tears ... Will do the final part in a few Member
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Wow! Holy smokes. A good deal of that could have been my life. I was in high school in the early 70s and obtaining hallucinogens was all too easy. LSD, DMT, DOM, LSA, etc, etc, etc. I'm amazed I came out of that era of my life in one piece. I don't regret a single day of seeing the Dead though. Some of my best memories. So many wonderful, strangely responsible, people (I'm not implying that you regret life with the Dead ... quite the contrary). Life is a learning process I guess.
Comes a time when the blind-man takes your hand, says don't you see?
Always loved that lyric.
Hang in there man!
Comes a time when the blind-man takes your hand, says don't you see?
Always loved that lyric.
Hang in there man!
Nothing is impossible!
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: EAGAN
Posts: 792
Originally Posted by AugustWest11 
Yea still alive and sober evem though I just wanna crawl under a rock w\ some beers ... Been a Harsh reality the past month and keeps getting harsher But So most know where I am coming from here ya go; Me in a Post :p
I was 13 when I had my first drink & of course smoke; Pot and a few other things as well :p But I never latched on to anything like I did the Smoke & Booze .. It was summer vaca from Middle school and being board "bad boys" a friend and I; stole a bottle of Vodka from his Mom and preceded to "enjoy it" Honestly, can't remember a thing from that night but that has nothing to do w\ how wasted we got .. The reason for my short term memory loss; well 1 of the major reasons is coming up .. So from then on we would get beers or booze; depending if we had the money to buy it or snatch the parents :p Every weekend w\ out fail ... But soon it started to take a hold on me more and would have my own "private" parties .. This continued on & off until I was 16; then that is where the "fun" really begin :p It was at this point that we were a "group" now girls guys hangin' on the weekends for the most part .. In fields, wood, the "cool" parents house and partying .. Smoking drinking Bong Hits; lines at times .. Several million "trips" that year as well.(LSD,Mushrooms,Peyote,) After a short while we started cutting more and more then normal and partying; that's when the "Man"(school admin) realized "the problem" parents and house we would all goto and called the "man" on us one day ... Needless to say they never caught a single person since we knew the area better then they did; but my friend was home liget, He was "sick" so he had to answer the door, his parents were notified of all the open beers and little bit of pot that day and he was forced out of high school at that point .. Well a few weeks after that & finding a new "goto" place another friend decided Screw this school stuff & he quit .. and you guessed it a few weeks after that; I was approached by school admin and requested leave\quit or face expulsion. If expelled I could never return to the school system again if I "woke up" one day .. So I quit .. Our group kept hanging a little less people cause some needed that school "thing" for some reason :p So alright you guys get the point; I started way early and way fast .. My 16th Summer I was involved in an "accident" meaning we drunkenly rolled a 78 Camero on it's hood; that was "borrowed" by the way .. Attempted to make it look stolen; shatered windows and was gonna blow it up as well; when we saw the blue lights; we Ran I ran the wrong way jumped a guard rail took a step that wasn't there; fell 40+ feet into a stream .. Ended up in a 38 hour coma; came out of it had to learn how to write all over again read and so on ... Well I faced charges too since I was the only one "caught" but I screwed my short term memory up for good that night . Incident 1 of being told I had a problem .. Yet I ignored it cause I was having "fun" Once out of the hopsital and all I was on "lock-down" w\ my parents .. But my boys snuck me some LSD Booze whatever I wanted ... So I decided to give this school "thing" another shot; but b\c of when I quit and when I decided to go back; I would graduate 2 years behind all my friends .. Well I stuck with it .. got through that and was then 18 legal age to go to jail .. 18 summer after some dead shows I decided to pay a visit to the beach to an Old Friends house (mr vodka's parents had a place there) Had a serious quantity of LSD on me; Planning to eat it really lol But was broke needed beer money so He tried to sell it to someone on the board walk; Yep an Under cover cop .. W\ me telling him the whole time not to trust these people they don't "feel" right ... Well he didn't listen ended up facing 25 to life for manufacturing and distributing LSD .. Ohhh on top of that state charge; the feds were thinking of charging me ... After all is said and done I served 12 weeks 3 hours and 23 minutes (no short term memory prob there lol) Incident 2 again I was told I "had a problem" and again I blew it off .. Did the east coast tour w\ the Dead on and off all the way to RFK '95 ... Then Jerry Passed and I almost quickly started to realize WTF am I going to do now ??? Can't get a Job by saying yea I sold Water & LSD At Dead shows .. Well I became a hermit .. Then that was when my agoraphobia kicked in .. When I stopped drinking; or so I rationalized to myself so I could get the nerve up to go out of my parents place .. So now we are a 24 yo living w\ his parents no real skills for work nor any desire to work or become part of society .. This is longer and sadder then I thought it was gonna be so Will post part 2-3 later if anyone wants to hear all the way threw to Now at 42 :p
But So most know where I am coming from here ya go; Me in a Post :pI was 13 when I had my first drink & of course smoke; Pot and a few other things as well :p But I never latched on to anything like I did the Smoke & Booze .. It was summer vaca from Middle school and being board "bad boys" a friend and I; stole a bottle of Vodka from his Mom and preceded to "enjoy it" Honestly, can't remember a thing from that night but that has nothing to do w\ how wasted we got .. The reason for my short term memory loss; well 1 of the major reasons is coming up .. So from then on we would get beers or booze; depending if we had the money to buy it or snatch the parents :p Every weekend w\ out fail ... But soon it started to take a hold on me more and would have my own "private" parties .. This continued on & off until I was 16; then that is where the "fun" really begin :p It was at this point that we were a "group" now girls guys hangin' on the weekends for the most part .. In fields, wood, the "cool" parents house and partying .. Smoking drinking Bong Hits; lines at times .. Several million "trips" that year as well.(LSD,Mushrooms,Peyote,) After a short while we started cutting more and more then normal and partying; that's when the "Man"(school admin) realized "the problem" parents and house we would all goto and called the "man" on us one day ... Needless to say they never caught a single person since we knew the area better then they did; but my friend was home liget, He was "sick" so he had to answer the door, his parents were notified of all the open beers and little bit of pot that day and he was forced out of high school at that point .. Well a few weeks after that & finding a new "goto" place another friend decided Screw this school stuff & he quit .. and you guessed it a few weeks after that; I was approached by school admin and requested leave\quit or face expulsion. If expelled I could never return to the school system again if I "woke up" one day .. So I quit .. Our group kept hanging a little less people cause some needed that school "thing" for some reason :p So alright you guys get the point; I started way early and way fast .. My 16th Summer I was involved in an "accident" meaning we drunkenly rolled a 78 Camero on it's hood; that was "borrowed" by the way .. Attempted to make it look stolen; shatered windows and was gonna blow it up as well; when we saw the blue lights; we Ran I ran the wrong way jumped a guard rail took a step that wasn't there; fell 40+ feet into a stream .. Ended up in a 38 hour coma; came out of it had to learn how to write all over again read and so on ... Well I faced charges too since I was the only one "caught" but I screwed my short term memory up for good that night . Incident 1 of being told I had a problem .. Yet I ignored it cause I was having "fun" Once out of the hopsital and all I was on "lock-down" w\ my parents .. But my boys snuck me some LSD Booze whatever I wanted ... So I decided to give this school "thing" another shot; but b\c of when I quit and when I decided to go back; I would graduate 2 years behind all my friends .. Well I stuck with it .. got through that and was then 18
legal age to go to jail .. 18 summer after some dead shows I decided to pay a visit to the beach to an Old Friends house (mr vodka's parents had a place there) Had a serious quantity of LSD on me; Planning to eat it really lol But was broke needed beer money so He tried to sell it to someone on the board walk; Yep an Under cover cop .. W\ me telling him the whole time not to trust these people they don't "feel" right ... Well he didn't listen ended up facing 25 to life for manufacturing and distributing LSD .. Ohhh on top of that state charge; the feds were thinking of charging me ... After all is said and done I served 12 weeks 3 hours and 23 minutes (no short term memory prob there lol) Incident 2 again I was told I "had a problem" and again I blew it off .. Did the east coast tour w\ the Dead on and off all the way to RFK '95 ... Then Jerry Passed and I almost quickly started to realize WTF am I going to do now ??? Can't get a Job by saying yea I sold Water & LSD At Dead shows .. Well I became a hermit .. Then that was when my agoraphobia kicked in .. When I stopped drinking; or so I rationalized to myself so I could get the nerve up to go out of my parents place .. So now we are a 24 yo living w\ his parents no real skills for work nor any desire to work or become part of society .. This is longer and sadder then I thought it was gonna be so Will post part 2-3 later if anyone wants to hear all the way threw to Now at 42 :p Keep going, its therapeutic to let it all out and just be done with it. Remember, those things are your past and do not reflect on who you are as a person. Keep going on the sobriety too, I have been following your posts since you started.
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Don't regret a single Day 
Was probably one of the "soberest" times of my life .. I never drank much at shows especially when I was driving .
Was probably one of the "soberest" times of my life .. I never drank much at shows especially when I was driving .
Originally Posted by Bruce292
I don't regret a single day of seeing the Dead though. Some of my best memories. So many wonderful, strangely responsible, people (I'm not implying that you regret life with the Dead ... quite the contrary). Life is a learning process I guess.
Comes a time when the blind-man takes your hand, says don't you see?
Always loved that lyric.
Hang in there man!
Comes a time when the blind-man takes your hand, says don't you see?
Always loved that lyric.
Hang in there man!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Boston, MA.
Posts: 1,756
"final?? Part 3" So there I was standing in the Hospice room w\ allot of my relatives literally watching my grand mother take her last breath I have to say; it was one of the hardest most down right scariest things I have ever done .. So of course after all was said and done; a few my cousins, uncles, and aunts wanted to go for a drink ... well we went cried drank, Like good Irish Catholics ... Handled the services and all; I was Pall Barer cause my old brother was too emotional to handle it since he was very close to her . After we buried her; we went out for a drink again .. That led me into a 7 day straight binge. Then somehow my Mom got word to me again she needed my help to "clear" out my grandmothers apartment w\ some other Aunts .. I was SO not into that; but I did it ..
Cleaning out the apartment of all the memories and such was weighing heavy on me & my hangover but I handled it; still had a couple Valium left . As I was reading poetry we didn't know my Grandmother wrote; I swear I heard her voice ask me, "What are you doing w\ your life ??" That hit home; in a bad way .. After that I literally had no contact w\ anyone no friends no body .. I sat at my Mom's house teaching myself about PC's .. Then building my first one .. I didn't drink for the most part .. I mean Once every month maybe I would sneak something. But for the most part I just played w\ my PC parts and on the internet .. Again not sure of the details, my memory sucks :p But an old sober friend sent me an email invited me to a "chat room" .. I figured well why not if I can't handle face to face then PC to PC might work ..
So this part can be cut short; I ended up meeting my ex gf in the "room" We "dated" for 8years long distance.. Me flying to see her her flying to see me ..
So 2008 I come up for a visit & she informs me that if I can find a job while I am there; she wants me to move in .. Scared as hell cause at 37 years old I have not really had to "fend" for myself or even do any shopping let alone live w\ someone other then my parents .. I found a job, and the decision was made .. I moved here; a few months after that I got a week off we drove down to my folks picked up my stuff and BAM I am living in boston.. I know no one but her and her family & I am good w\ that since I planned to spend my life w\ her ..Had a beer here & there w\ dinner but never got drunk & very rarely even buzzed .. About 2 years after that something changed at work; my Boss, only other "friend" here got fired for stealing Cigs. *sigh* well that did something to me & b\c of that it affected her as well .. She started to build "walls" and that got to me .. So I started drinking after work again (I work nights so 8am when the Packie opens I was there) Pretty much hiding it from her the whole time Since she worked days I had the whole day to myself to get drunk clean up and so on .. Well long story short we got a house & my two cats and I thought everything was fine.. Mean while she was hating life cause she knew. as much as I thought I "hid" things from her she knew.. I did something stupid(which I am just gonna say I was caught email "flirting" w\ someone from California :p) So she buried that for another year and I kept drinking thinking I was getting away w\ something .. Mean while my back was getting worse from the work I do and that just brought more troubles ..
So now; this is where I am at NOW ... She finally said we are over & she wants me to make arrangements to move out... (this was about 2 months ago) I said I will; but had a scheduled trip to my home town to see my folks already planned; she knew and understood that .. So last month I fly in and one of my Boys calls me and asks what I was doing; I said I just landed I haven't even unpacked ... He said I will be at your parents house in 10 minutes .. Well That started a week melt down It was ugly .. One flight I tried to catch back here; a TSA guy asked me if I had been drinking; I hadn't least not that day yet .. He handed me some tick tacs and pointed to some benches and said you better sleep over there a bit cause They won't let you on the plane .. I freaked lost it ended up calling my cousin .. She ended up "smacking" me around and get me sober to come back "home" .. Ohh did I mention I had NO contact w\ my Ex at all .. No I left that big important fact out. I got so wasted the whole time I was too embarrassed to even call or facebook her to tell her I was even alive I get to the airport turn my phone on to say I am on my way; I got 2 voice mails from her; both stating I should stay down there ( Well I knew if I did that I would surely be dead w\ in a year. Not to mention I was still under the "impression" I could fix it .. What a joke that was.. So 33 days ago my plane landed; I started to get the shakes so I bought a pint to steady myself for what I was walking in to.. I knew it ..
I got "home" she was asleep;so I slept on the couch .. Woke up to her glaring at me and her\our Dog licking my face all happy I was back ... I said morning; can we please talk that night cause I was tired.. Well she came home we talked; well I talked broke down and finally said I am an Alcoholic and when all was said and done, again I thought everything was Ok & I could fix it .. Until the other day when I was sent an email and realized nahh not happening .. So now I am 32 days sober, here in Boston no friends no place to live and no desire to go back to my home town .. I would be dead in a year or less probably. Between the depression of losing her, the dog, my 2 cats and house; I am sure I would drink myself to death . So now she is helping me find a place or a way for me to stay up here . She is an angel and I am hoping at the very least I can mend our friendship again .. Not to mention see my "boys" (my 2 cats) up here on occasion ..
I have to say; it was one of the hardest most down right scariest things I have ever done .. So of course after all was said and done; a few my cousins, uncles, and aunts wanted to go for a drink ... well we went cried drank, Like good Irish Catholics ... Handled the services and all; I was Pall Barer cause my old brother was too emotional to handle it since he was very close to her . After we buried her; we went out for a drink again .. That led me into a 7 day straight binge. Then somehow my Mom got word to me again she needed my help to "clear" out my grandmothers apartment w\ some other Aunts .. I was SO not into that; but I did it ..Cleaning out the apartment of all the memories and such was weighing heavy on me & my hangover but I handled it; still had a couple Valium left . As I was reading poetry we didn't know my Grandmother wrote; I swear I heard her voice ask me, "What are you doing w\ your life ??" That hit home; in a bad way .. After that I literally had no contact w\ anyone no friends no body .. I sat at my Mom's house teaching myself about PC's .. Then building my first one .. I didn't drink for the most part .. I mean Once every month maybe I would sneak something. But for the most part I just played w\ my PC parts and on the internet .. Again not sure of the details, my memory sucks :p But an old sober friend sent me an email invited me to a "chat room" .. I figured well why not if I can't handle face to face then PC to PC might work ..
So this part can be cut short; I ended up meeting my ex gf in the "room" We "dated" for 8years long distance.. Me flying to see her her flying to see me ..
So 2008 I come up for a visit & she informs me that if I can find a job while I am there; she wants me to move in .. Scared as hell cause at 37 years old I have not really had to "fend" for myself or even do any shopping let alone live w\ someone other then my parents .. I found a job, and the decision was made .. I moved here; a few months after that I got a week off we drove down to my folks picked up my stuff and BAM I am living in boston.. I know no one but her and her family & I am good w\ that since I planned to spend my life w\ her ..Had a beer here & there w\ dinner but never got drunk & very rarely even buzzed .. About 2 years after that something changed at work; my Boss, only other "friend" here got fired for stealing Cigs. *sigh* well that did something to me & b\c of that it affected her as well .. She started to build "walls" and that got to me .. So I started drinking after work again (I work nights so 8am when the Packie opens I was there) Pretty much hiding it from her the whole time Since she worked days I had the whole day to myself to get drunk clean up and so on .. Well long story short we got a house & my two cats and I thought everything was fine.. Mean while she was hating life cause she knew. as much as I thought I "hid" things from her she knew.. I did something stupid(which I am just gonna say I was caught email "flirting" w\ someone from California :p) So she buried that for another year and I kept drinking thinking I was getting away w\ something .. Mean while my back was getting worse from the work I do and that just brought more troubles ..
So now; this is where I am at NOW ... She finally said we are over & she wants me to make arrangements to move out... (this was about 2 months ago) I said I will; but had a scheduled trip to my home town to see my folks already planned; she knew and understood that .. So last month I fly in and one of my Boys calls me and asks what I was doing; I said I just landed I haven't even unpacked ... He said I will be at your parents house in 10 minutes .. Well That started a week melt down
It was ugly .. One flight I tried to catch back here; a TSA guy asked me if I had been drinking; I hadn't least not that day yet .. He handed me some tick tacs and pointed to some benches and said you better sleep over there a bit cause They won't let you on the plane .. I freaked lost it ended up calling my cousin .. She ended up "smacking" me around and get me sober to come back "home" .. Ohh did I mention I had NO contact w\ my Ex at all .. No I left that big important fact out. I got so wasted the whole time I was too embarrassed to even call or facebook her to tell her I was even alive I get to the airport turn my phone on to say I am on my way; I got 2 voice mails from her; both stating I should stay down there ( Well I knew if I did that I would surely be dead w\ in a year. Not to mention I was still under the "impression" I could fix it .. What a joke that was.. So 33 days ago my plane landed; I started to get the shakes so I bought a pint to steady myself for what I was walking in to.. I knew it ..I got "home" she was asleep;so I slept on the couch .. Woke up to her glaring at me and her\our Dog licking my face all happy I was back ... I said morning; can we please talk that night cause I was tired.. Well she came home we talked; well I talked broke down and finally said I am an Alcoholic and when all was said and done, again I thought everything was Ok & I could fix it .. Until the other day when I was sent an email and realized nahh not happening .. So now I am 32 days sober, here in Boston no friends no place to live and no desire to go back to my home town .. I would be dead in a year or less probably. Between the depression of losing her, the dog, my 2 cats and house; I am sure I would drink myself to death . So now she is helping me find a place or a way for me to stay up here . She is an angel and I am hoping at the very least I can mend our friendship again .. Not to mention see my "boys" (my 2 cats) up here on occasion ..
Faith and reason
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: London
Posts: 941
Congrats on 31 days and thanks for sharing your story, AW. Opening up like that is so brave. I'm sorry for what you're going through at the moment but I'm glad that you're sober and that you're ex is helping you find a place to stay.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Central America/Florida USA
Posts: 4,064
Good for you getting this all out. In my experience, I found that helpful. Sometimes it's good to just get everything on the table and be honest about your life, and it appears you've found that to be a good outlet.
The best part about doing that, in my experience, is that afterwards we can put it all under the rug. Sure memories will always be with us, but we can't do anything about it now. You're not 13 and running to hide from the school cops anymore, you're not 18 and doing LSD and following the Dead, you're not in jail and you're not involved with criminals.
But that's in the past. Do you know those old athletes who always talk about the "good old days" when they played football in high school? And they say "yeah, I could have had any girl I wanted, all the cheerleaders etc". It's kind of sad, really - isn't it?
You're a 42 year-old man with 31 days of sobriety under your belt. That is who you are NOW. You've laid out your past, and hopefully that will help you move on and start living in the PRESENT. That's all we can do, right? You have a long life ahead of you, and while the immediate next steps might be hard, there is a bright future ahead. Put those days of running around under the boardwalk behind you. Put those days of working for the cigarette thief behind you. Put your grandmother's death behind you.
Move forward. You can become the man you always knew you could be.
The best part about doing that, in my experience, is that afterwards we can put it all under the rug. Sure memories will always be with us, but we can't do anything about it now. You're not 13 and running to hide from the school cops anymore, you're not 18 and doing LSD and following the Dead, you're not in jail and you're not involved with criminals.
But that's in the past. Do you know those old athletes who always talk about the "good old days" when they played football in high school? And they say "yeah, I could have had any girl I wanted, all the cheerleaders etc". It's kind of sad, really - isn't it?
You're a 42 year-old man with 31 days of sobriety under your belt. That is who you are NOW. You've laid out your past, and hopefully that will help you move on and start living in the PRESENT. That's all we can do, right? You have a long life ahead of you, and while the immediate next steps might be hard, there is a bright future ahead. Put those days of running around under the boardwalk behind you. Put those days of working for the cigarette thief behind you. Put your grandmother's death behind you.
Move forward. You can become the man you always knew you could be.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Boston, MA.
Posts: 1,756
Originally Posted by bigsombrero
But that's in the past. Do you know those old athletes who always talk about the "good old days" when they played football in high school? And they say "yeah, I could have had any girl I wanted, all the cheerleaders etc". It's kind of sad, really - isn't it?
You're a 42 year-old man with 31 days of sobriety under your belt. That is who you are NOW. You've laid out your past, and hopefully that will help you move on and start living in the PRESENT. That's all we can do, right? You have a long life ahead of you, and while the immediate next steps might be hard, there is a bright future ahead. Put those days of running around under the boardwalk behind you. Put those days of working for the cigarette thief behind you. Put your grandmother's death behind you.
Move forward. You can become the man you always knew you could be.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Central America/Florida USA
Posts: 4,064
It's not sad. It's awesome that you have finally got to that place where you can realize it, and step out of that hole.
I used to run around with drugs, alcohol, LSD, weed, coke, shrooms, you name it. But all that stuff doesn't define me. Only I can define myself.
And that's not who you are, either. Stop identifying with that druggie Dead follower. That is not you. Be yourself. You have control over this - your past does not.
I used to run around with drugs, alcohol, LSD, weed, coke, shrooms, you name it. But all that stuff doesn't define me. Only I can define myself.
And that's not who you are, either. Stop identifying with that druggie Dead follower. That is not you. Be yourself. You have control over this - your past does not.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Boston, MA.
Posts: 1,756
Originally Posted by bigsombrero
That is not you. Be yourself. You have control over this - your past does not.
Sober since October
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: In the world in my eyes...Somewhere I've never been before...
Posts: 7,355
Hi, August.
Thanks for sharing the other parts of your story. BTW, you are far ahead of me here - I haven't posted mine yet)
I think, 42 is a great age to start a new life - still young, but not fool any more.
It's scary to let go the past, but it's necessary to move on.
Maybe, you don't have much at the moment, but “It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything.”
If you are brave enough to share your story here, you'll find some courage to deal with life. Life is cruel sometimes, but what can we do with it but to bite the bullet and make our way.
The Sun is drifting to the West.
To take a break from it's day duty.
Today you have - just do your best.
To ditch blue mood and see some beauty.
To see just mud, or stars' reflection
It's up to us what to dwell on.
Cast off for good your ghosts collection.
And just let go what is gone.
Just in two weeks there will be August.
With summer wrapping up its season.
Clean off your life depressing rust.
And smile at life for no reason.
Take care)
Thanks for sharing the other parts of your story. BTW, you are far ahead of me here - I haven't posted mine yet)
I think, 42 is a great age to start a new life - still young, but not fool any more.
It's scary to let go the past, but it's necessary to move on.
Maybe, you don't have much at the moment, but “It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything.”
If you are brave enough to share your story here, you'll find some courage to deal with life. Life is cruel sometimes, but what can we do with it but to bite the bullet and make our way.
The Sun is drifting to the West.
To take a break from it's day duty.
Today you have - just do your best.
To ditch blue mood and see some beauty.
To see just mud, or stars' reflection
It's up to us what to dwell on.
Cast off for good your ghosts collection.
And just let go what is gone.
Just in two weeks there will be August.
With summer wrapping up its season.
Clean off your life depressing rust.
And smile at life for no reason.
Take care)
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