Redwoodgirl

So he walked out on an intervention 7 months ago and has now created a new life with new social connections, a girlfriend, etc. Since he left I have realized (through break-thrus of my own denial and also some evidence) that he actually had some of this new life in place over the past 1-2 years. He has had SA problems for years, but became a very different person when he crossed the line into opiate addiction. No conscience or morals whatsoever. So my question is, is this "pulling a geographic", what? Where is this likely to go for him. With no accountability, I expect death...

bigsombrero

Who is "he"? Is this your father? Husband? Brother? Son? Ex-boyfriend?

Redwoodgirl

Sorry, it's my husband of 22 years.

Mizzuno

What's this pulling a geographic? And, what is SA?

ScottFromWI

I'd agree, not sure exactly what you are asking here.

DrSober

Usually refers to Sexual Addiction.

Louise82

"Pulling a geographic" is moving to a new area/city/country to try and escape from/"cure" your alcoholism/addiction.

Redwoodgirl, I'm sorry for all you've been through. I've never been through anything like it so I have no idea how much it must have hurt to put all that effort into an intervention only for him to walk out on you, his 22 year marriage and a chance for recovery.

Are you asking what he's thinking or what will happen next? We can't tell you whether he's pulling a geographic or what's going on in his head or what will become of him.

Threshold

I think of the movie "Catch Me if You Can"

a guy went from place to place pretending to be a Dr, Lawyer...whatever. A con man. But wherever he went, underneath it all, he was on the run.

I didn't pull my geographic to outrun my demons...but I sure have noticed that they came right along with me. No matter where I go...I am either on the run or accepting that here they still are, in denial, or in acknowledgment.

I have no idea what's going on in his head, and if or when he will decide to address his addictions. As painful as it is to have to watch from the sidelines, and perhaps more painful if it looks as though he's thriving...in the end you can choose to NOT tune in to his program.

A new location, job, or lover doesn't magically fix anything...good for folks on BOTH sides of the addiction issue to realize. Because sometimes people who shed their lives of their addict try the same things to address THEIR issues, and get similarly disappointing results.

Addressing reality appears to be where it's at. grrrrr...

I'm am glad YOU are here, working on YOUR thing, because THAT will yield positive results in your life! hugs

Redwoodgirl

SA=substance abuse

Yes, I guess I am wondering what he's doing/thinking...It is hard to accept that he would choose addiction over his life to the point where he would be content to create a new one...

bigsombrero

So you are married to this man. I would think perhaps this might not last, considering the circumstances. I wonder why you are interested in how to categorize his absence - how does this help you? It sounds like he is not worth the effort, and whether or not he is "pulling a geographic" or just being a jerk, it probably doesn't matter. Sounds like you should be done with this guy and move on. I know that is not easy - AT ALL - but if you haven't started working on your own issues yet, it's probably time to do that. Best thing to do is to cut the dead weight and start there.

Redwoodgirl

Threshold,
Why did you pull your geographic?

FeenixxRising

For an addict, it's not a hard decision. That's what addiction does. It may be time for you to let him go and work on your life.

Threshold

Got laid off, couldn't find a local job, found a seasonal job at a National Park across the country from where I lived.

I had gotten into recovery six months earlier...admittantly with mixed results but I was faithfully attending meetings and working a program.

While I was away, hubby of 25 yrs said not to come back. He preferred life without me.

I hadn't thought that moving away was going to fix my life, but I admit I was surprised that it didn't make more of a difference than it did.

That was a real affirmation though, that the issues were NOT the outside conditions of my life, but my inside conditions, which actually ended up giving me MORE motivation to work recovery. Clearly changing the outside situations wasn't going to help, so double up efforts on the inside.

The next shocker was that working on the inside situation didn't fix up the outside situation, meaning that getting and staying sober and working a solid recovery program and feeling like I was growing as a person...didn't mean that my life situation was going to get rosy.

I ended up homeless, unemployed, and getting most of my few remaining valuables stolen. Well...hmph.

Ain't life a doozy?

And the surprises just a keep on coming!

still and all, it's better than being an active addict/alcoholic...because for me that was just a reign of terror.

sugarbear1

wherever I go, there I am.... no matter how many times I re-make myself on the outside, my insides will still crumble.....

maybe focus on you and your recovery? Have you read Codependent No More? Worked the 12 steps of Al Anon or Naranon?

I wish you well on your recovery from him!

FreeDance

Redwoodgirl,

My heart goes out to you. I have a heroin addict in my life (now in recovery -- Thank GOD!!).

It sounds like he may have created this new life in order to carve out a new way to use. I don't know much about opiates in pill form, but I imagine it would at least be difficult to function well. Once it's heroin (which people go to because it's cheaper), they can not lead normal lives. Overdoses happen with either form, although I imagine (don't know) that pills are a little more predictable -- they don't always know what's in their heroin.

I learned to "detach with love." You can't do anything to help him; you can only help yourself. Take care of yourself, find the support you need for yourself.... Maybe you need to make a new life, too.

Is there a Nar-Anon meeting near you? If so, I HIGHLY recommend it.

Hang in there.

Redwoodgirl

The hardest part has been getting his wedding ring from the guy in recovery whose house he let husband stay in for a few months. He just left his ring in a drawer at this guy's house...

visch1

Dee74

Hi redwoodgirl - welcome

I'm sorry for your situation. I think regardless of what you call it, and regardless of right and wrong, he's made the decision to move on.

I think the healthy response to that is to move on yourself?

You'll find a lot of experience support and understanding here, and in our Family and Friends forums too

by the way, I merged your two threads - it may have been a little unclear to other members what the context was....it's best to stick to one thread per topic....don't worry about the length of your thread...we can go to 500 posts

D