sbrchk

I have been going at this now for a little over 5 mo. The first couple weeks were very very weird, I felt physically weird. After a couple mo. I started feeling really good with a few bad days in between. I made it thru a couple holidays, vacation etc. feeling pretty good about myself. I have friends that drink. My husband drinks but not what he used to and is very supportive to me. I have gone with him to our old hangout just to be around people. I did ok, no urge to drink, just a little bored with the whole thing. My friends have been verbally supportive telling me everything I want to hear....you're strong, your doing great, you are so much better sober, etc etc. ...............OK, my question or my problem I'm having lately is people/friends (i'm wondering about that)...constantly telling me they need to cut down, or they need to quit, or they don't drink as much with me, or we can hang out and drink coffee, or so on.... heard more if's, shoulds, gotta's than I care to hear. What do I care? Really I don't want to hear it at all. I'm sick of it. It's not a game, it's not a bunch of words just to throw around. This **** is hard. Ugh! What do I do with these comments? I don't want to be rude, or seem uncaring but it's so much talk... talk talk talk. I don't care what they do. I know what I have to do that's all I know. ....here's the good part - yesterday I'm on fb and I see a post from a friend of mine who has told me to always call if I'm having a bad day or don't know how to handle something, that she is so proud of me, that she worries about me drinking again.... well she posts these 2 jokes... one about going in the kitchen to cook w/ wine and forgetting what she's doing there, and the other that she'll drink on the weekends and nobody should tell her different, she doesn't need that negativity in her life..??????? WHat???? Now that I'm reading this it all seems petty but I cried ALL DAY LONG.... it really hurt. I don't get it. I feel very alone at this point. I love people but I've found it really hard to keep good friends... I don't call much or hang out much and always find a reason that I'm busy. I've often thought that if people really knew me, really deep down, that they'd just keep on walking... but I am really feeling different about myself. Its a very very slow process and I'm by no means even close but each day that I wake up sober I love who I am becoming. My network of people just seems to be diminishing... not that it was too big in the first place. Now, if you asked people, they would tell you I'm very outgoing, seem confident, well put=together type of person. Ha, if they knew Well I could go on and on. I was just searching for some experience with this sort of thing....anybody out there lose all of their friends and have to start all over?? Well take care, thanks for reading....my mumbo jumbo... Peace

zoey09

No words of wisdom from me as I'm new at this as well, congrats on 5 months!
My group of friends has diminished since high school, and now I'm just left with drinking buddies, and I'm distancing myself from them as well....
Just wanted to let u know your not alone with the whole lack of friends situation : )

sbrchk

thank you... I appreciate it, how long do you have?

Mizzuno

This seems to be a common theme when people sober up. All of the "friends" have left. This may not be a bad thing when you think about it. I mean, it is not fun to always be engaged in an alcoholic drunk state. For alcoholics this is a serious issue.
I do not have any friends since I moved last year. I left everyone behind. Now that I am here, I really do not hear from my "friends" all that much. So, you are not alone. I just noticed the common theme here.
I agree, this is hard work. It is worth it though.

LadyinBC

Well congrats on 5 months!

Yup I only have 2 friends left and that's it! All the others, nothing in common with them except for drinking and complaining about work.

Do you really think her posts were referring to you? Sometimes I do tend to get over sensitive and then realize that it really isn't all about me LOL.

You will find that you do distance yourself from people that aren't good for you the more you work on yourself. I know I did. I don't need tons of friends. I'm perfectly happy with my little family and the few friends I do have. These are the people that will cherish you and support you and grow with you. Those are the types of people I surround myself with.

sbrchk

ty mizzuno.... yes, it is def worth it, thanks for reading and good luck to you in your new location... i'm sure it will work as it is supposed to .... a friend

Diva76

Hello!

First, allow me to say Congratulations! I am really happy to hear that you have chosen sobriety....
As to your question, I think your friends are noticing the changes you have made (for the better, by the way!) and this is forcing them to evaluate themselves....
So, it "could be" that they too know deep down inside that drinking is a problem for them, but...they either don't want to do anything about it or they think their incapable of doing anything about it...
I think the if's, should and gotta's give them the illusion that they are doing something about it, but this is really just nothing more than denial in disguise....
Since you're truly doing the work, I can certainly understand why you've had enough of their quacking already.....

What do you do with these comments?
I would strongly suggest that you detach your feelings from them....This way, these words won't have the same hold on you....
And, you can simply say....when someone says, "they need to cut down..."
Oh?
And, then move the conversation along...(preferably to another topic...) You get the idea....

"here's the good part - yesterday I'm on fb and I see a post from a friend of mine who has told me to always call if I'm having a bad day or don't know how to handle something, that she is so proud of me, that she worries about me drinking again.... well she posts these 2 jokes... one about going in the kitchen to cook w/ wine and forgetting what she's doing there, and the other that she'll drink on the weekends and nobody should tell her different, she doesn't need that negativity in her life..???????"

Ok, maybe this would seem petty to someone who doesn't have a drinking problem, but due to your circumstances I don't think it's unreasonable at all that this would hurt your feelings.....
Regarding this friend, perhaps they just "weren't thinking" But, as a neutral
3rd party here, I think that posting those jokes on your page was highly inappropriate......

I'm not an alcoholic, but I have a history of "food issues" and if someone posted a joke about binge eating and I was early in recovery, I'm sure it would upset me....
It might upset me now, but not nearly with the same intensity....

Be kind to yourself.....I suspect that you've been numbing your feelings for years with alcohol, (I did this with food) so now you're actually "feeling" your feelings....Hey, at least you worked your way through it without picking up again...
I see this as a positive!


"I've often thought that if people really knew me, really deep down, that they'd just keep on walking... but I am really feeling different about myself."

This comment breaks my heart.....I highly doubt that people would keep on walking.....This comment reminds me of my axbf. He also had issues with low self-esteem....Thank you for sharing so honestly....Today I was struggling with some old resentments I have towards him regarding how things ended between us, but your comment is something I needed to hear. Thank you for humbling me.....
"Its a very very slow process and I'm by no means even close but each day that I wake up sober I love who I am becoming."
Now THAT'S more like it.....Good for you!

Regarding your question about your social circle.....
I have known many recovering alcoholics who quickly learned who their friends REALLY are once they made the choice to stop drinking.....
And, many of them told me that they virtually had no friends left once they left the bar scene....

Would you be willing to consider this a blessing? Drinking buddies are well, drinking buddies.....
I suspect that as you continue with your recovery work, these "friends" that you mentioned in your post may not have the same appeal as they once did...
In fact, now that I think about, it seems like you're already disenchanted with them.....

Are there any hobbies or activities that got set aside while you were still active?
If so, maybe you can return to some of those activities and establish healthier friendships along the way....

Good luck!

Linda

Bruce292

The conclusion I've reached is that us humans are a strange bunch. I have friends who are still using and drinking. I have friends who are sober. The friends who are still using are slowly becoming more distant with the exception of one friend who has asked me to help her with her sobriety. I guess. for me, it's a matter of deciding who I am, where I'm going, and those I want to be with in my life. Has it been easy? No. Will it get easier? I hope so. I've learned that I can't change people. If they're going to use I can't change that. I can only change from within. I hope that made sense.

Thank you for posting.

lillyknitting

I don't really, really believe non-drinkers & drinkers mix. Think about it. What do people go to the pub/bar for? I will only go out now if I know I'm not tempted to drink. The whole scenario bores me now. Friends etc sitting drinking, getting drunk is a total bore to watch & be with. My advice: get knitting,!!!

Diva76

Omg!!!!

Thank you soooo much for posting this...
I don't drink, because I don't like it....
And, I too find it boring....

Heh...

Maybe there's nothing wrong with me after all!

And, btw, when I broke up with my alcoholic ex,
I took up sewing

Linda

Nuudawn

If being honest, I too have felt that way many, many time. I have friends...seem to be well liked in my world...BUT

I feel like a fraud..a lot. I feel like people have bought some sort of bullsh*t I wasn't even selling.

Thank you for your honesty.

sickntired78

Facebook is the devil. That is my only contribution here, lol. One big drama pot waiting to be stirred. I was on for one month and ended up getting in verbal confrontations with a friend because of things posted about or related to me that were not true. Never again. My advice? Delete facebook immediately and never look back.

pinkgate

I have been thinking through similar things myself. I don't have firm conclusions, just tentative ones.

Friends and drinking buddies are not the same thing. I knew that even when I was drinking but a lot of buddies don't get it. Instead, they're frequently trying to make themselves feel better about the lack of meaningful relationships in their life by constantly calling you their friend when you were only a drinking buddy.

People posting things like that on your facebook page (or sending emails) is all about them and really not about you. And they're not thinking about you, either, and they don't know what it's like to be you, no matter what you've shared with them. They don't know what it's like to be in your shoes and to have given up drinking and working on sobriety, so they have no idea (and never wil) that posting things like that would offend you. If you, for a second, put your alcoholic face on, you'd find their posts amusing probably like you once did. But now you are taking things seriously whereas before you didn't. They are still in relationship with the alcoholic you. You changed the relationship dynamic on them (you had to) but they probably don't know how to do it any differently.

Most people don't know I've quit so people make comment to me about drinking including jokes. I just respond a little more reserved than I used to but I give a "ha" or an "oh?" and leave it at that. It's my journey, I can't expect them to be on it with me.

sbrchk

Wow, so many great replies ...most which were in my head anyway but so nice to hear from someone going thru the same thing, a sober perspective. Im in a mych better place today. I guess I was taken off guard. I knew deep down that these were drinking buddies...I actually avoided friends who didnt drink as much as me. Ha. As far as fb, only reason I hold onto it us I have family all over the pkace I like to tt. Um thinking I might post something ti get their emails and ve done with it. Low self esteem...if were being honest stems back to childhood sexual abuse. Today im ok with that...I have my days obviously but ill not let those sick people be a part of who I am becoming...a strong, sober survivor. I have lots of work to do and lots of new interests to explore. P.s. linda...crochet some awesome hats thank you to each and every one of you ♥

Diva76

You are absolutely FABULOUS!!!!
I can tell already that you are going to create some really meaningful friendships as you continue healing
I know it!!!!

PeppyGirl

Hey there,

You are doing FANTASTIC! Congrats on 5 months. That is so awesome!

I think this friend thing is normal. Try not to let it get you too down and keep working on your recovery. That is the most important thing . It probably helps to know that you are not alone.

I am 2 months sober and have been going through some of those similar things. My best friend knows that I am in recovery and frankly I think it makes her uncomfortable for a few reasons. 1.) She does not want to be a cause of a potential relapse 2.) She now feels uncomfortable socializing with me when she is drinking and I am not and 3.) it is making her re-assess the drinking habits of those around her (some drink way too much). It has come to the point now where she and her husband socialize with another drinking couple every weekend where they used to socialize with my husband and I. I am still ok in that she and I still talk every day, it's just that our night socializing has changed. I guess I can't expect to make this major change for myself and not expect other ramifications. Hope that helps.

Again, congrats. 5 months is awesome!!! Hugs, PG

Diva76

Congratulations on choosing sobriety!
Isn't it amazing that your friends place alcohol as a pre-requisite for which couple they will dine with on the weekends?
No worries, you will meet plenty of other couples who do not have that requirement and will be delighted to be sharing a meal with you and not the bottle....

All the best,



Linda

sbrchk

Congrats on 2 mo. PG im seeing the bigger pic and yes I have that couple in my life as well! It's all good.... I like waking up ea day sober..ahhhhh. thanks again Linda...I appreciate your wisdom