Louise82

Sorry, I know this post is too long but I just like SR so much that I wanted to be completely honest with you guys. Maybe it will help me to be honest in other areas of my life.

Day 1 for the millionth time this year. I've been drinking for pretty much the whole of the last 6 weeks, after nearly 2 months of not drinking. My first "day one" this year was 6th January. Since then I've had 3 periods of not drinking, only to drink again.

This past 2 weeks, I've been on holiday with my mum and some other family members, which is why I haven't been posting on here, drunkenly or otherwise. I drank for the entire holiday. It was awful. One day my mum said to me, "I don't think you'll ever be able to stop drinking."

I get why she said that - so far I've provided no evidence that I can stay stopped; despite my multiple attempts to stop this year, there I was on holiday, drinking again. So my head can understand her logic, but my heart is broken. When your own mother gives up on you, it's a bitter pill to swallow.

So here I am, back home and back on day 1. This time I'm going to commit to my program of recovery instead of doing it half-heartedly. As people say, there's a difference between being around AA and being in AA. Even though I have a sponsor and had started doing the steps, I hardly ever contacted her and was only doing the steps because I thought it was the "done" thing and I wanted to be able to say I was doing them whenever someone asked me.

So I'm going to get a new sponsor because I've wasted enough of my current sponsor's time this year when she could have been helping people more willing and committed than I was. I'm going to do the steps wholeheartedly instead of putting in an half-assed effort. I finally understand why I personally need to do the steps to have the personality change I need to stay sober. I'm going to do 90 meetings in 90 days. I know it's not an AA edict or anything but I feel that I personally need to go at least 1 meeting a day for the time being. I'm going to 2 back-to-back ones this evening.

I'm going to come on SR every day and reply to as many newcomers' threads as I can. Before my holiday I was coming on here most days but I was mainly lurking and only replying to threads when I felt like it.

If you've gotten this far, thanks for reading!

Mirage74

Glad you're trying to quit again! I know how you feel, I really don't know if I can quit drinking either. I'm on day 13, and all I can really do right now is try to stay sober today. Good luck

Louise82

Day 13 is fantastic Mirage - congratulations! It doesn't matter how many times we have to get up and try again as long as we keep trying. Yeah, I'm just trying to take it one day at a time as well.

Nonsensical

I have a problem with the syntax - it isn't accurate. Everyone is able to stop drinking.

Would it have made a difference if she had said, "I don't think you are ever going to stop drinking." ? Only you can say.

Good luck on your journey! You CAN do this!

ScottFromWI

Glad to hear that you are redoubling your efforts Louise. Many of us have been through long periods of attempted quitting and attempted moderation. You hit the nail on the head though - The success of your recovery method ( regardless of which one you choose ) is only as good as your committment to it.

And in a sense, the title of your thread "I don't think you'll ever be able to stop drinking." is also true. If you don't think you will ever stop, you probably won't. But you can change your thinking - and you can quit. Anyone can quit - and there are zero exceptions to that rule. The only reason that you cannot quit is because you choose not to.

I wish you the best of luck, and that's great that you are going to be on SR a lot too - it really helped me. Let us know how we can help!

360shoes

If it were me, and my Mom said that to me, I would just take it as what I've been doing doesn't seem to be working so well. She was just saying what she saw.

Sounds to me like you are doing just what you should be doing! Trying again and approaching it with a new attitude and view. Good for you!

I don't think people give up on us. They just have to protect themselves from the pain too.

Don't you give up Louise.
(((Hug)))

Pamel

Interesting "sign-off"line: "The most valuable thing I possess is my last unbroken promise."

...and I should add that my worst enemy is me: I think more than the drink I like the drama. Sad to say...

Louise82

Wow, I hadn't given much thought to her choice of words, but you're right. I think it's the "not able" that gets to me and makes me think she's giving up on me. She believes I can't do it. Yeah, if she'd said "I don't think you are ever going to stop drinking." then maybe I'd have taken it better - because let's face it, at the time she said it, I hadn't stopped drinking even though I kept saying that I would. She would have been just saying what she saw.

Anyway, you're absolutely right - everyone is able to stop drinking and I CAN do this (especially with the help of bacon)!

Soberpotamus

My mother in law said something similar to my husband. She said: it's only going to get worse. This was said not even a year into our relationship, and so it's made me resentful towards her. I don't speak to her anymore. It pretty much makes my fists ball up ready to punch her in the face...

There's nothing that gets to me more than people being flat out wrong because of their misguided opinions... And pessimism. Also I see it as her last attempt to somehow get him to leave the relationship but I'm not sure so I haven't accused her of that.

Sounds like you are planning to do 90 in 90 and the steps to try to convince yourself you mean it? I think it works the other way around...

Sent from my iPhone using SoberRecovery

Mizzuno

My sister told me once, during one of my bouts of sobriety, " I know you will drink again!"
Its not very supportive, and it hurts. I am not speaking with here now. I am 4 months sober this time around.
This alcoholic business, when we are fully engaged, is very hard to leave behind. Keep giving it all that you have. Do not give up on yourself. You can do this.

Louise82

I'm really sorry about what happened with your MIL.

I don't have to convince myself I really mean it but I feel like doing 90 in 90 to help me stay convinced, if that makes sense. What I mean is that I read somewhere that it takes 3 months to change your thinking/behaviour, which is why people or rehab places or whoever started recommending going to a meeting every day for 3 months. If I do this daily recovery action, I won't forget why I'm in recovery, which has been my downfall in the past.

As for the steps, yes, when I was doing them before I think I was doing it to prove to myself that I was all up in this AA thing and really serious about recovery blah, blah, blah. But now, after all my returns to drinking since I've been around AA, I can see what my triggers were. I personally drank because of the type of person I am and the flawed way in which I both take action and react to things. I want to not just stop drinking but to change the way I behave and the way I think, because the way I behave and think sucks and just makes me deeply unhappy, with or without drink. So I'm doing the steps because I keep hearing about how they bring about a "psychic change" and I want a change in my psyche.

Iwanttobebetter

good for you for trying again! never give up. i know it's very painful to hear that from your own mom but you can move forward from this and do better. do it for yourself! i have a very troubled relationship with my mom and she hasn't been there for me emotionally my entire adult life. i've had to let it go and realize she doesn't have the capacity to be there for me because of her own stuff. it has nothing to do with me. i'm not comparing our mom since i don't know anything about yours. just saying you can still do well, despite what anyone, even your mom, thinks. sorry for the rambling. best of luck.

sober4myboys

I have a year now in July and my husband still said this to me the other day. He said, " This phase will pass and you will drink eventually." How nice of him!!

You CAN do it. I had a million false starts, but if you keep trying it will eventually stick.

MeSoSober

Earlier this year, my mom wanted me to move home for a year or so, reasoning that I would have a place to stay rent-free where I would be supervised and where drinking would not be tolerated. As I recall, she told me that she and my brother had agreed that as long as I stayed where I am, by myself, that I wouldn't/couldn't/whatever quit.

I remember thinking, "Oh yeah? I'll show YOU." I have a little over three months sober now. Still have a long, long, long way to go, but I figure three months is a pretty respectable start.

I completely understand why what your mother said was upsetting to you. I'm just trying to show how you can also turn her words into a huge motivator.

As for all of your Day 1s this year -- keep in mind that you only have to STAY stopped once. Just once.

And last but least, I thank you for posting here today. Because what you said inspired me to respond, and that has in turn helped ME to re-commit, in some small way, to my own sobriety. So YOU have helped ME to stay sober today. So thank you.

Soberpotamus

Yeah I've read it can take anywhere from 18 days to 6 months... I think studies show different amounts of time... and this probably varies according to personality traits, type of habits, etc.

Well I hope it works for you this time. You sound like you are ready to make a change. If the psychic change thing doesn't work perfectly, just don't get discouraged... hang in there. I personally don't believe that recovery works just the same for everyone. But continuing to try, not giving up... trying new things... can't go wrong with that.

Lionhearted1

I read it takes 3 months for the synapses to re map themselves. All I know is I can't get 3 months sober...

I have heard it all before my partner has told me many times I won't ever be able to stay stopped, I guess it's time to prove people wrong...

Good luck and great post.

Anna

I'm glad you're back and not giving up. There is always hope!

Carlotta

Welcome back to recovery Louise. I am not big on cliches but here we go anyway
It works if you work it.
Recovery and getting to a place where we feel content and balanced is hard work but if you commit to it for yourself (and not for your mom or whomever) and work your behind off, you can do it.

Soberpotamus

I've heard something similar... that the amygdala does much of its repair in the first 90 days. That's why I really celebrated my 90 day mark.

Fallow

I can relate to people not believing in me. Its hard to tell if they want to drag me down or what. That's ok though. Actions speak louder than words.

I have had numerous people tell me I couldn't stay sober. Even my own wife and sponsor. But this time is different. This time I'm doing this for me. What other people think is none of my concern.

And I always laugh to myself about it...sometimes I literally stay sober out of spite. Its not my preferred method but when all else fails I will absolutely succeed just to prove the naysayers wrong. Turns out they are helping me succeed after all. They just don't know about it .

Don't let em see ya sweat. You can do this.