niijikwe

Hello! I am a 42 year old female.

Im not an every day drinker, but I binge drank every friday and saturday. Usually never slept on Sunday night because I couldnt.

Started out adding another day to drink, Tuesday.. but that switched around, and if there was a holiday weekend then drinking went on.

I live with an alcoholic. He has been an alcoholic for 30 years or so.

I do not know if I am technically an alcoholic, but I know I abuse alcohol and its a big problem for me.

I didnt start drinking until I met the alcoholic I live with, about 3 1/2 years ago. Ive slowly built up over time until now I drink averagely 3 days a week.

I had never known an alcoholic before, so I didnt know what an issue it is. Which is REALLY dumb because I have a bachelors degree in human services.

He is very very functional-- and that is OH so misleading. He has a good job, never misses work, has had the same job for 16-18 years or so. He's very active ad responsible about errands and tasks and stuff.

Over time I feel like I was stripped of almost my whole self. He has these certain personality traits/ ways he screwed with my mind that crept up on me like I was a frog in a pot waiting to boil. Before I really knew the impact-- I was in deep.


Im looking forward being able to talk about how living with an alcoholic has changed me. because it leads to the next thing---> Im also looking for support with quitting drinking.

I have given him an ultimatum, he quits or me and my kids need to leave. We really dont belong sitting around in an alcoholic lifestyle anymore. So-- chances are I will be moving next month, because its doubtful that he'll quit.

Tomorrow will be a trigger day since I didnt drink saturday. Tuesday might feel even more triggery. I havent made it a whole week in over a year...... probably 2 years.

pinkgate

niijikwe, you will find a lot of information and support here at SR. I know I did.

DisplacedGRITS

Welcome, Niijikwe! Yeah, you're probably right about that ultimatum. He has to come to want sobriety on his own to really quit. Congrats on noticing that your drinking has become out of control for you. We all have different points where we realize that. You don't have to be a daily drinker for it to become a problem. I've found a ton of support here and and AA. You've got to do what's right for you and your children. Keep coming around here and find the solution!

niijikwe

Thank you guys! I am STILL looking around here.

I feel like I know quit a bit of info already.. Ive done research for the last year, looked up drugs my BF could get from his dr to help him quit drinking ( he got librium to help with withdrawal and another one that starts with N, cant remember the name, its suppose to stop cravings), researched my panic attacks on hang over days.. Ive researched several different things. Its time to actually quit and leave the lifestyle and have some support. I didnt think I would ever put up with something like this, let alone actually participate.

Obladi

Niijikwe, welcome.

I started my journey much like you. Overdoing it on the weekend crept into a sometimes weeknight drink which led to multiple drinks... and much of this was to cope with being uncomfortable in the place I was in. I wasn't coping - I was numbing, throwing up the blinders and enduring.

You are on the right path with your plans and you are right to not delay any more. Following up on your word is the best chance you can give everyone. The kids deserve it, you deserve it, and he deserves to be expected to face up to his own stuff. If I could give you any advice, it would be to remain compassionate but firm. Then act.

It sounds like you are already resolved, I just wanted to back you up on this.

Oh. And don't drink. It's too easy to fall back into old habits when we fall back into old habits.

visch1

Hi. I understand your situation and pray for your recovery. Being in AA for some years it's a fact that one has to be honest with themselves and want to stop drinking for themselves, not the job, kids, wife and many of the reasons we often pick. True these reasons can offer an enticement but usually not a long term one. In my case I drank harder when my wife left with the children, until AA took ahold. Alanon may be a path for you to take to help with your situation as it helps many. At times it's referred to as the black belt fellowship.:rotfxko BE WELL

niijikwe

Thank you all! Its an all out war day here. Im not drinking and I dont really feel like it... he's aware now that I am serious and will be moving. He chose alcohol already today, so...

In the meantime he is threatening me with any thing he can think of.
Yesterday he chose to shred me to pieces because I dared ask when he was getting my sons bedroom door on. Its been off for 2 months. Its clear I have no voice here. I am not respected. I cant simply ask when a door will be put on without offending him.

So later, the game is ON, right? He is on the lookout for ANY way he can tear me to pieces.
I mention casually, "I think I will weed the raspberry bushes today."
Well.. I didnt. So later he casually and calmly says, with a sneer and rolling his eyes, " I THOUGHT you mentioned you'd be going out to the garden today.. you couldnt even do that..." "Your fat ass couldnt even do that"

"You refuse to control your kids"

"Do you REALLLY think you have common sense? you might have some book smarts because you have a degree, but you know THAT isnt worth the powder to blow it to hell... I mean... you're not even working right now. " <sneer>

"Dont you uhhh.... think you should start working and pay your own bills?"
(he asks me NOT to work 99% of the time, unless he wants to use it against me)

"My next GF willl have some actual appreciation for all the stuff I buy her. She'll TAKE CARE OF IT" ( ftr- I pay the whole house payment, buy all the food, pay for everything for me and the kids. He pays bills and all car expenses, including mine. He buys me NOTHING. )

"You f**king trash everything you own." (This is not true. If I have 1 mcdonalds cup sitting in my cup holder and NOTHING else in the car, he will take the cup out and throw it on the lawn just to be an ass)

Anyways- all day yesterday was like that.
All day today is the same. He is telling me I cant use the car etc..

niijikwe

Oh, and I have a place to look at tonight!

apophylite

good luck on your journey, things can only get better from here!

Louise82

Only going by what you say here but this sounds like emotional abuse to me so it's a positive that you've got a place to look at because, as the others have said, the ultimatum looks like it was the right thing to do.

niijikwe

that place called right after i posted that-- the place has been rented by someone now. oh well. i will find somewhere.

Louise82

I'm sure you will. Good luck with the search!

Hevyn

Welcome niijikwe. Glad to have you join us.

I'm sorry for the circumstances you find yourself in, but it's good you're recognizing what needs to be done. Also good that you're taking a look at what drinking is doing to your life. You might want to check out our Friends & Family Forum too - many there are dealing with a similar situation.

Leshar

Hi, n, so sorry you are having to deal with this terrible situation.
Do you feel safe to remain where you are? Might your bf escalate?
Any temporary housing arrangements you might have available?
This kind of emotional and verbal abuse may compromise your efforts at sobriety.
Take care!

niijikwe

Leshar, Thanks for your response!


I would say his emotional abuse is exactly what started me drinking.

Well-- that and the dynamics of this whole situation of mine and my fears.

What's transpired is: I have kids and was a poor single mother. Poor , but decent values, a worthwhile person, working on a bachelors degree and looking forward to 'moving up in the world'

I met my alcoholic boyfriend in Nov of 2009. He owns a cute little house, big yard, nice truck, nice little car. He has a decent job, seemingly stable, pays his bills, does any home maintenance right away, etc etc.

I thought this really was that 'moving up' that I was looking forward too.

I didnt know initially that he was an alcoholic because I had no experience in recognizing the signs. Example: we never went on late dates because he had to be home to drink by 7 or so I later put together. He brought booze every time he stayed overnight at my house.. I didnt think twice about it because when you arent "a drinker" like I wasnt then... you can drink once in two years or once every other weekend if enough weddings or special parties come up.... you dont count drinking days or frequency. Its not really on your radar. So... bringing booze over once a week? it took me a good month or two to start connecting signs.

My car broke down and I started driving his car and he drove the truck.
By spring we planned and planted a garden, at his house.
Shortly after I was staying at his house during the day so my 2 year old could play outside in his fenced in yard ( verses my duplex with no yard and right next to the street)
I started staying all weekend. He has always been good at hiding when he drinks vodka in the garage so I still didnt think he drank everyday.

In August of 2010 I moved in.
Shortly after he started tearing my entire soul down to nothing.
"Can you lose some weight..?"
One time some song comes on with lyrics something like "Cute little woman of mine" . He looked at me drunkenly sneering with one eye open and chuckled his arrogant jerk-y laugh. He was laughing at how much I was not that.
One time he supposedly 'complimented' me with "Ive never loved a chubby chic before".
When he walks into the room im in he looks down to my stomache and then up to my eyes, same way a man checks out a ladys boobs... but he's mocking me silently.

I have spent 3 years feeling literally ashamed to have my body within his sight. I obsess constantly over how fat and gross I look.
I use to have such fun doing girly things- painting my nails, doing my hair, wearing something cute, getting ready for dates and just... yk? feeling cute and sexy?
I honestly cant remember what it feels like now. I feel shame constantly. I have serious depressive symptoms in this area. But I DO have hope. I want to feel happy and in love again. Adored. Cute, sexy, getting ready for dates and spending time shopping for clothes and accessories. For 3 years I have felt like I have no right to do that. I am WELL outside the boundary lines of what 'cute' people can do. In his opinion.


Anyways, aside from that... I had moved in now. I was using his car, I finished my schooling and he begged me to not get a job, so I am jobless. Circumstances had all changed to make me feel like my kids were use to living somewhat 'middle class' now and leaving him means so many things: getting a job, finding a way to buy a car, having to find babysitters, etc etc. I can get rent assistance and food support, so really... its NOT as big of a jump as I think?

P.S. not one ounce of me will miss HIM. I have felt like I was trading this for that in many different ways. Thats the only reason I stayed.

niijikwe

adding-- I dont think his emotional abuse will compromise my sobriety. I am fully aware of all the dynamics going on now... we've been down 100 different paths in fixing stuff.

I started counselling for me, we started relationship counselling (done now), Ive resesarched online, talked to friends, spent hours putting 2 and 2 together, joined SR, called and found AA and am willing / looking forward to going........ Im well on my way of leaving it all behind.

I dont believe *I* am so bad anymore. I believe his emotional abuse and every day boozing speaks toward what kind of screwed up individual he is, and my wisdom in escaping such dysfunction and having the will power to give up booze and a financially easier life so as to regain healthiness speaks toward mine!

Louise82

That's great that you're taking those positive actions towards sobriety. Although he may not compromise your sobriety, the sooner you find a new place, the easier it'll be to maintain your sobriety. When you're getting sober, your home is like your 'safe place', like a cocoon. Your current home is obviously nothing like this at the moment, so the sooner you find a home where you can be comfortable and focus on your sobriety, the better.

niijikwe

Night 4 and I dont feel any craving. I looked at a house today, not sure about it yet.

Alcoholic BF has been drinking everyday.