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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Denver, CO
Posts: 236
Help
Just a warning, this is going to be a long post. My partner and I have been together a total of 7 years. We were together the first time for about 6 months and we broke up because I couldn't deal with his alcoholism. We didn't speak for over two years. During that time he moved on and dated someone else and eventually bought a house with them. The subsequently broke up and because of what I do for a living, my ex needed my help in dealing with their home and what to do with it now that they weren't together. During that time period we discovered that we still had feelings for each other and decided to resume our relationship. He hadn't stopped drinking mind you, I just decided that it didn't matter and it was something that would change. Stupid me.
We eventually moved in together and got married. His drinking has continued and ebbed and flowed, getting worse at times and better at times. He is truly everything I have ever wanted in a man besides his drinking. When he is drunk he isn't violent or mean, he just kind of sits quietly and sips his drinks. He doesn't necessarily miss work or avoid social engagements, I suppose what he could be called is a high functioning alcoholic. He drinks every single day up to a half liter of vodka a day. I can count the number of days this year he has been sober on one hand.
By this point you may be asking yourself "what the heck is your problem?". Well the problem is I've been lying to myself. He's not that functional. He had a work schedule that was pretty flexible so he could sleep in pretty much as late as he wanted and stay up as late as he wanted. We don't go anywhere unless he can drink there. I do mean no where. When he drinks he becomes detached and unwilling to even acknowledge me. I've spent years asleep and unable/unwilling to acknowledge what was really going on. It wasn't until a couple of weeks ago that we were out with a friend and said friend asked me what was going on. Why was my husband so drunk, why is he always drunk when we hang out? Well those are perfectly good questions. I had honestly not even noticed how much he had drunk that day until we got the bill for the afternoons food and drink. Our bill was, to say the least, quite huge. Earlier in the day I had asked to leave and go home soon, I have a back injury that makes sitting or standing for a long time painful and uncomfortable. My husband said no, that he was having fun...blah, blah, blah.
We have had conversations in the past about his drinking, most of the time I get reminded that I knew who I was marrying and, well, deal with it cause it aint changing. I accepted this, all of it, the emotional abuse, the knowledge that it won't change because he is perfectly happy doing what he is doing. It wasn't until I started reading posts on this blog and realized all the various ways I was enabling his behavior, covering for him with friends, making sure he has his vodka available at all times because he is unbearable without it, ignoring his behavior and accepting his emotional abuses. Like I said, I was asleep. That's the best way I can put it.
Long story, slightly long. My conundrum is, now that I'm awake again, I don't want to go back to sleep this time, I don't want to leave him because at the end of the day I love him more than I could ever have imagined I could love another person. What do I do to stay awake, and still deal with his drinking? I know, nothing I say or do will change him, I've tried pleading, begging, threatening to leave, left, told him that we won't have children until he gets sober (we do plan to adopt at some point), it lessens for a while then get's worse and worse over a matter of days or weeks. Are there stories out there of people who have stayed with their alcoholic spouse/significant other, and the situation turned out good? Where they became and stayed sober and they stayed the sweet, wonderful person you fell in love with? I have to admit, all the stories I've read on here so far tell me no, but I'm hoping there are. I just need to learn to cope, not enable him anymore, and be supportive of him until he makes the decision to become sober. Tell me your thoughts. Am I fooling myself?
We eventually moved in together and got married. His drinking has continued and ebbed and flowed, getting worse at times and better at times. He is truly everything I have ever wanted in a man besides his drinking. When he is drunk he isn't violent or mean, he just kind of sits quietly and sips his drinks. He doesn't necessarily miss work or avoid social engagements, I suppose what he could be called is a high functioning alcoholic. He drinks every single day up to a half liter of vodka a day. I can count the number of days this year he has been sober on one hand.
By this point you may be asking yourself "what the heck is your problem?". Well the problem is I've been lying to myself. He's not that functional. He had a work schedule that was pretty flexible so he could sleep in pretty much as late as he wanted and stay up as late as he wanted. We don't go anywhere unless he can drink there. I do mean no where. When he drinks he becomes detached and unwilling to even acknowledge me. I've spent years asleep and unable/unwilling to acknowledge what was really going on. It wasn't until a couple of weeks ago that we were out with a friend and said friend asked me what was going on. Why was my husband so drunk, why is he always drunk when we hang out? Well those are perfectly good questions. I had honestly not even noticed how much he had drunk that day until we got the bill for the afternoons food and drink. Our bill was, to say the least, quite huge. Earlier in the day I had asked to leave and go home soon, I have a back injury that makes sitting or standing for a long time painful and uncomfortable. My husband said no, that he was having fun...blah, blah, blah.
We have had conversations in the past about his drinking, most of the time I get reminded that I knew who I was marrying and, well, deal with it cause it aint changing. I accepted this, all of it, the emotional abuse, the knowledge that it won't change because he is perfectly happy doing what he is doing. It wasn't until I started reading posts on this blog and realized all the various ways I was enabling his behavior, covering for him with friends, making sure he has his vodka available at all times because he is unbearable without it, ignoring his behavior and accepting his emotional abuses. Like I said, I was asleep. That's the best way I can put it.
Long story, slightly long. My conundrum is, now that I'm awake again, I don't want to go back to sleep this time, I don't want to leave him because at the end of the day I love him more than I could ever have imagined I could love another person. What do I do to stay awake, and still deal with his drinking? I know, nothing I say or do will change him, I've tried pleading, begging, threatening to leave, left, told him that we won't have children until he gets sober (we do plan to adopt at some point), it lessens for a while then get's worse and worse over a matter of days or weeks. Are there stories out there of people who have stayed with their alcoholic spouse/significant other, and the situation turned out good? Where they became and stayed sober and they stayed the sweet, wonderful person you fell in love with? I have to admit, all the stories I've read on here so far tell me no, but I'm hoping there are. I just need to learn to cope, not enable him anymore, and be supportive of him until he makes the decision to become sober. Tell me your thoughts. Am I fooling myself?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Denver, CO
Posts: 236
I forgot to get into detail about the job situation. He claimed that his work stress caused him to need a drink to relax. Admittedly he had a stressful job so I understood his need to relax. We had the means to allow him to quit his job and pursue a new career. He now blames the stress of school on why he needs to drink. Basically, he doesn't deal with stress well. Now he is about done with school and will have a job where he can work from home. I fear this will only increase the problem at this point.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Bronx NY
Posts: 19
Originally Posted by fedupbeyondall 
What do I do to stay awake, and still deal with his drinking?
Originally Posted by fedupbeyondall
He claimed that his work stress caused him to need a drink to relax
Try the Friends and Family of Alcoholics Forums for better insight.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Ohio
Posts: 25
Welcome to SR.
I do not know how to answer this politely.
I was with a very abusive drinker for 15 years. I tried to help him but he did not want it. He didn't want my help, he didn't want to help himself. Eleven years later he is still doing what he was doing when I was with him, drinking as well as graduated to stronger drugs.
This is the critical point. Your husband has to want change for himself.
My brother is an alcoholic as well. My family had an intervention for him but he said he didn't have a problem and now 25 years later he sits alone in his barn every night and drinks himself away while his wife and two sons are twenty feet away, sitting there watching movies. It is so sad. My brother is never going to quit because he does not want to. He does not think he even has a problem.
It sounds like your making excuses for his drinking.
I feel stupid offering up advice when I myself am fighting an addiction.
If you are willing to watch this for the rest of your life, then stay.
It does not sound like from your post that he has any intentions of quitting as of yet.
I also would not recommend bringing children into the mix, they will receive emotional abuse and more just like you are. That's not fair.
I wouldn't say it if you would have said he wants help.
You can lead a horse to water but you can not make them drink.
You can not change anyone.
You can help someone who WANTS it.
I do think you are fooling yourself, yes. I'm sorry.
Maybe you could attend some meetings intended for family members so you can learn about his disease and how you can protect yourself, your own sanity, safety and harvest knowledge.
I do not know how to answer this politely.
I was with a very abusive drinker for 15 years. I tried to help him but he did not want it. He didn't want my help, he didn't want to help himself. Eleven years later he is still doing what he was doing when I was with him, drinking as well as graduated to stronger drugs.
This is the critical point. Your husband has to want change for himself.
My brother is an alcoholic as well. My family had an intervention for him but he said he didn't have a problem and now 25 years later he sits alone in his barn every night and drinks himself away while his wife and two sons are twenty feet away, sitting there watching movies. It is so sad. My brother is never going to quit because he does not want to. He does not think he even has a problem.
It sounds like your making excuses for his drinking.
I feel stupid offering up advice when I myself am fighting an addiction.
If you are willing to watch this for the rest of your life, then stay.
It does not sound like from your post that he has any intentions of quitting as of yet.
I also would not recommend bringing children into the mix, they will receive emotional abuse and more just like you are. That's not fair.
I wouldn't say it if you would have said he wants help.
You can lead a horse to water but you can not make them drink.
You can not change anyone.
You can help someone who WANTS it.
I do think you are fooling yourself, yes. I'm sorry.
Maybe you could attend some meetings intended for family members so you can learn about his disease and how you can protect yourself, your own sanity, safety and harvest knowledge.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Denver, CO
Posts: 236
You're right. I am fooling myself. There will be no children until there is sobriety. For a minimum of a year. But, likely, I won't even be married to him anymore anyways. I think I've already decided what I need to do, now I just need the courage to do it.
Nothing is impossible!
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: EAGAN
Posts: 792
Originally Posted by fedupbeyondall
Just a warning, this is going to be a long post. My partner and I have been together a total of 7 years. We were together the first time for about 6 months and we broke up because I couldn't deal with his alcoholism. We didn't speak for over two years. During that time he moved on and dated someone else and eventually bought a house with them. The subsequently broke up and because of what I do for a living, my ex needed my help in dealing with their home and what to do with it now that they weren't together. During that time period we discovered that we still had feelings for each other and decided to resume our relationship. He hadn't stopped drinking mind you, I just decided that it didn't matter and it was something that would change. Stupid me.
We eventually moved in together and got married. His drinking has continued and ebbed and flowed, getting worse at times and better at times. He is truly everything I have ever wanted in a man besides his drinking. When he is drunk he isn't violent or mean, he just kind of sits quietly and sips his drinks. He doesn't necessarily miss work or avoid social engagements, I suppose what he could be called is a high functioning alcoholic. He drinks every single day up to a half liter of vodka a day. I can count the number of days this year he has been sober on one hand.
By this point you may be asking yourself "what the heck is your problem?". Well the problem is I've been lying to myself. He's not that functional. He had a work schedule that was pretty flexible so he could sleep in pretty much as late as he wanted and stay up as late as he wanted. We don't go anywhere unless he can drink there. I do mean no where. When he drinks he becomes detached and unwilling to even acknowledge me. I've spent years asleep and unable/unwilling to acknowledge what was really going on. It wasn't until a couple of weeks ago that we were out with a friend and said friend asked me what was going on. Why was my husband so drunk, why is he always drunk when we hang out? Well those are perfectly good questions. I had honestly not even noticed how much he had drunk that day until we got the bill for the afternoons food and drink. Our bill was, to say the least, quite huge. Earlier in the day I had asked to leave and go home soon, I have a back injury that makes sitting or standing for a long time painful and uncomfortable. My husband said no, that he was having fun...blah, blah, blah.
We have had conversations in the past about his drinking, most of the time I get reminded that I knew who I was marrying and, well, deal with it cause it aint changing. I accepted this, all of it, the emotional abuse, the knowledge that it won't change because he is perfectly happy doing what he is doing. It wasn't until I started reading posts on this blog and realized all the various ways I was enabling his behavior, covering for him with friends, making sure he has his vodka available at all times because he is unbearable without it, ignoring his behavior and accepting his emotional abuses. Like I said, I was asleep. That's the best way I can put it.
Long story, slightly long. My conundrum is, now that I'm awake again, I don't want to go back to sleep this time, I don't want to leave him because at the end of the day I love him more than I could ever have imagined I could love another person. What do I do to stay awake, and still deal with his drinking? I know, nothing I say or do will change him, I've tried pleading, begging, threatening to leave, left, told him that we won't have children until he gets sober (we do plan to adopt at some point), it lessens for a while then get's worse and worse over a matter of days or weeks. Are there stories out there of people who have stayed with their alcoholic spouse/significant other, and the situation turned out good? Where they became and stayed sober and they stayed the sweet, wonderful person you fell in love with? I have to admit, all the stories I've read on here so far tell me no, but I'm hoping there are. I just need to learn to cope, not enable him anymore, and be supportive of him until he makes the decision to become sober. Tell me your thoughts. Am I fooling myself?
We eventually moved in together and got married. His drinking has continued and ebbed and flowed, getting worse at times and better at times. He is truly everything I have ever wanted in a man besides his drinking. When he is drunk he isn't violent or mean, he just kind of sits quietly and sips his drinks. He doesn't necessarily miss work or avoid social engagements, I suppose what he could be called is a high functioning alcoholic. He drinks every single day up to a half liter of vodka a day. I can count the number of days this year he has been sober on one hand.
By this point you may be asking yourself "what the heck is your problem?". Well the problem is I've been lying to myself. He's not that functional. He had a work schedule that was pretty flexible so he could sleep in pretty much as late as he wanted and stay up as late as he wanted. We don't go anywhere unless he can drink there. I do mean no where. When he drinks he becomes detached and unwilling to even acknowledge me. I've spent years asleep and unable/unwilling to acknowledge what was really going on. It wasn't until a couple of weeks ago that we were out with a friend and said friend asked me what was going on. Why was my husband so drunk, why is he always drunk when we hang out? Well those are perfectly good questions. I had honestly not even noticed how much he had drunk that day until we got the bill for the afternoons food and drink. Our bill was, to say the least, quite huge. Earlier in the day I had asked to leave and go home soon, I have a back injury that makes sitting or standing for a long time painful and uncomfortable. My husband said no, that he was having fun...blah, blah, blah.
We have had conversations in the past about his drinking, most of the time I get reminded that I knew who I was marrying and, well, deal with it cause it aint changing. I accepted this, all of it, the emotional abuse, the knowledge that it won't change because he is perfectly happy doing what he is doing. It wasn't until I started reading posts on this blog and realized all the various ways I was enabling his behavior, covering for him with friends, making sure he has his vodka available at all times because he is unbearable without it, ignoring his behavior and accepting his emotional abuses. Like I said, I was asleep. That's the best way I can put it.
Long story, slightly long. My conundrum is, now that I'm awake again, I don't want to go back to sleep this time, I don't want to leave him because at the end of the day I love him more than I could ever have imagined I could love another person. What do I do to stay awake, and still deal with his drinking? I know, nothing I say or do will change him, I've tried pleading, begging, threatening to leave, left, told him that we won't have children until he gets sober (we do plan to adopt at some point), it lessens for a while then get's worse and worse over a matter of days or weeks. Are there stories out there of people who have stayed with their alcoholic spouse/significant other, and the situation turned out good? Where they became and stayed sober and they stayed the sweet, wonderful person you fell in love with? I have to admit, all the stories I've read on here so far tell me no, but I'm hoping there are. I just need to learn to cope, not enable him anymore, and be supportive of him until he makes the decision to become sober. Tell me your thoughts. Am I fooling myself?
If you stay, then expect things to always stay as they are, or most likely continue to get worse and worse. He will only change when and if he wants to, so you can go on your own way, or sit in the pit with him. Its so easy for people to lose themselves in the process of dealing with an addict. They become addicted to helping the addict, and time passes with no changes being made at all. Before you know it, you are old and sad, thinking of the life you wished you had lived. That choice is yours, but I can tell you now, it wont be a life you will enjoy.
now's the time
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 2,181
My heart breaks for you... I think it's really apt that you chose to describe yourself as "awake". I've been on both sides of these relationships and I can tell you that he's chosen to be asleep. That's a life choice and it's as final to a relationship as deciding to take a job on the other side of the world. You can follow him, or you can stay. It sounds like you want to be awake... so as you say, I think you know what that means. Big hugs to you.
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Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Sorry for what brings you here.
I'm married. A drunk and drug addict for 35 years, sober for three. I, and many other wonderful, recoverying alcoholics here on SR are proof that the situation can turn around. Are we the minority? Sometimes I think so.
But as you said yourself, your husband will have to want sobriety as much as you want it for him. Maybe more. Until he decides he has a problem, it will just continue to get worse.
Focus on the person you can help--yourself.
Originally Posted by fedupbeyondall
Are there stories out there of people who have stayed with their alcoholic spouse/significant other, and the situation turned out good? Where they became and stayed sober and they stayed the sweet, wonderful person you fell in love with?
But as you said yourself, your husband will have to want sobriety as much as you want it for him. Maybe more. Until he decides he has a problem, it will just continue to get worse.
Focus on the person you can help--yourself.
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