So sad
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Canada. About as far south as you can get
Posts: 4,768
Originally Posted by noexcuse 
I've been in AA and am terrified to take that walk of shame through the doors again, almost to the point that I'd rather find different meetings where no one knows me. Is that a cop out?
If you've been around AA for any length of time you have seen folks like yourself have to "return". They are greeted with open arms and back on the beam in no time.
The problem is only your FEAR. Fear of something that will never happen.
Call someone you know from the meetings and ask them to accompany you back into the Rooms.
You know the answer is in AA. You know it. It's spelled out in HOW IT WORKS.
You can do it !!
My sponsor told me in the beginning that I should go to meetings to see what happens to people who don't go to meetings. He was right.
Call a buddy, get back in the AA groove and embrace it with both hands.
"Half measures availed us nothing" ......
All the best.
Bob R
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Northern Michigan
Posts: 34
Welcome. I hope you find friends here as I did nine days ago. Just knowing others are going thru or have gone thru the same turmoil has brought me to the verge of tears/joy many times. Don't beat yourself up, you are better than this, you can change this. You obviously love and adore your children. It's been a little over a week and I feel better mentally than I have in years. Over the last week I was not hung over at sporting events or reading my child a bedtime story tipsy. For years I had a list of things if that I wanted for me and my family. Sure I functioned, took them to school, sports, vacas, they had nice bdays and holidays but all the while the "dark angel" in my head was scheming/making excuses for her next fix. One last note, please please please never get in the car while intoxicated, put whatever precautions you must in place. Your kids, family, friends and especially YOU matter!!! I truly hope you hop on board the party train, no alcohol, no excuses, no judgement, plenty of fun, might hit a few curves, get bouncy at times but the destination, Soberville will be worth it. Forgive me I watched to much Thomas The Tank Engine with my boys!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 206
Wow, Dee, amazing quote. I've spent so much time feeling guilty, apologizing, playing the victim and all that time I was creating my own chaos. I'm going to be gentle on myself this time. My biggest hope is that, over time, I can learn to love and forgive myself and, in turn, treat others the same.
I have constantly been a 'worst case scenario' type of person, and it has often prevented me from reaching out for help. I have almost always been wrong and found that people are generally very caring and supportive. That has definitely been the case here on SR. Big hugs to all of you.
I have constantly been a 'worst case scenario' type of person, and it has often prevented me from reaching out for help. I have almost always been wrong and found that people are generally very caring and supportive. That has definitely been the case here on SR. Big hugs to all of you.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Albuquerque NM
Posts: 147
Hi noexcuse.
Just reading your story I can vouch that I have a lot in common with you. I too have an ignition interlock, drank like a madman yesterday, played cards with a friend (don't remember any of it), called my work drunk (not sure what I rambled about to a co-worker on the other line), don't remember ordering the half eaten pizza sitting in the fridge and so forth.
Just know that we need support for each other and I keep returning to this forum every bad hangover hoping to read some assurance that life is good and spectacular when I quit for a while.
And the kiddos will benefit from not having a drunk mum too!
Just reading your story I can vouch that I have a lot in common with you. I too have an ignition interlock, drank like a madman yesterday, played cards with a friend (don't remember any of it), called my work drunk (not sure what I rambled about to a co-worker on the other line), don't remember ordering the half eaten pizza sitting in the fridge and so forth.
Just know that we need support for each other and I keep returning to this forum every bad hangover hoping to read some assurance that life is good and spectacular when I quit for a while.
And the kiddos will benefit from not having a drunk mum too!
Sober Today
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 779
Oh goodness, I feel what you are going through as a mom myself!
Please go back to AA if you felt it helped. Many people there have relapsed, are back on track, and have so much to share with others about what they could have done differently, etc. and no one judges them. We are all in the same boat - do not be ashamed.
Please go back to AA if you felt it helped. Many people there have relapsed, are back on track, and have so much to share with others about what they could have done differently, etc. and no one judges them. We are all in the same boat - do not be ashamed.
Nothing is impossible!
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: EAGAN
Posts: 792
Originally Posted by noexcuse
I haven't posted in a long time. Because I've been drunk. This weekend was no different. I have at least 7 bruises, no idea how I got any of them, and one of them is HUGE. I had three voicemails from Saturday afternoon, two from my neighbor and one from my husband asking me where I was and to please call and/or text to let them know I was OK.
I have no idea what those texts were about. Did I go somewhere? Did I drive??? I have a breathylyzer in my car, so if I left to go somewhere, that means I took my husband's car...totally wasted, and totally illegally. If I would have gotten pulled over, I would have gone to jail. That's if I even took the car - I have no idea where I was or what I was doing.
I found out this morning that I got in a huge fight with my neighbor, too. No idea why. My husband thinks it was because she said something about my drinking, and I, of course, will defend my drinking with all my might.
I made it to work today. Turned on my computer. And there, on my wallpaper, were my beautiful, smiling, happy kids. And I started to cry. I want to be in the moment with them. I want to play with them, read with them, teach them, be the best mom I can be for them. They are getting older every day, and if I don't stop RIGHT NOW, they will know me as a drunk that was never present for them. My beautiful daughter, her gentle kisses and kind heart..... My beautiful son with his glowing compliments and daredevil antics..... I am so in love with them and I have a terrible way of showing it. Making dinner, cleaning the house, teaching them to ride a bike, arranging playdates does not a good mom make. Being present, appreciating them, treating them with love and kindness, that's a good mom. My heart aches right now.
There is no more alcohol in my house. I don't know how to do things sober, but I am damn sure going to figure it out. Everyone is worried about me, and I don't want that anymore.
Thanks for reading this impossibly long post. I really needed to get this ache out of me.
I have no idea what those texts were about. Did I go somewhere? Did I drive??? I have a breathylyzer in my car, so if I left to go somewhere, that means I took my husband's car...totally wasted, and totally illegally. If I would have gotten pulled over, I would have gone to jail. That's if I even took the car - I have no idea where I was or what I was doing.
I found out this morning that I got in a huge fight with my neighbor, too. No idea why. My husband thinks it was because she said something about my drinking, and I, of course, will defend my drinking with all my might.
I made it to work today. Turned on my computer. And there, on my wallpaper, were my beautiful, smiling, happy kids. And I started to cry. I want to be in the moment with them. I want to play with them, read with them, teach them, be the best mom I can be for them. They are getting older every day, and if I don't stop RIGHT NOW, they will know me as a drunk that was never present for them. My beautiful daughter, her gentle kisses and kind heart..... My beautiful son with his glowing compliments and daredevil antics..... I am so in love with them and I have a terrible way of showing it. Making dinner, cleaning the house, teaching them to ride a bike, arranging playdates does not a good mom make. Being present, appreciating them, treating them with love and kindness, that's a good mom. My heart aches right now.
There is no more alcohol in my house. I don't know how to do things sober, but I am damn sure going to figure it out. Everyone is worried about me, and I don't want that anymore.
Thanks for reading this impossibly long post. I really needed to get this ache out of me.
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