You quit - what do you tell friends and family?
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Big City
Posts: 3,895
You quit - what do you tell friends and family?
So I'm merely in Day 3 of my road away from the poison, reading and implementing RR/AVRT to the fullest. My question is this - for those of you who quit, when you are/were in a social situation where there was booze and you aren't/weren't going to drink - what did you tell the friends/colleagues that you have/had shared many a drink with in the past?
(This is a minor aspect of the RR/AVRT program but I didn't find any suggestions in Trimpey's book (or maybe I missed them). I know you aren't supposed to tell people about your Big Plan - but in terms of not drinking on a given night, what do you say?)
Assuming you have to attend a function with friends or colleagues with whom you've shared a drink (or 10) in the past, or that you are going to say no to going out with people that just last week you were getting plastered with - anyone have any advice on what you say in terms of not drinking?
I'm fine with saying, no thanks, not tonight. Or I'm getting healthy this month. Just wondered what others have used or thought of in their own recoveries. Having something prepared as to what I say every time just makes me feel even more comfortable having to deal with such situations.
Loving RR/AVRT. Thanks so much to this board for the suggestions.
Happy Sunday to all and Happy Father's Day to the rest of us.
(This is a minor aspect of the RR/AVRT program but I didn't find any suggestions in Trimpey's book (or maybe I missed them). I know you aren't supposed to tell people about your Big Plan - but in terms of not drinking on a given night, what do you say?)
Assuming you have to attend a function with friends or colleagues with whom you've shared a drink (or 10) in the past, or that you are going to say no to going out with people that just last week you were getting plastered with - anyone have any advice on what you say in terms of not drinking?
I'm fine with saying, no thanks, not tonight. Or I'm getting healthy this month. Just wondered what others have used or thought of in their own recoveries. Having something prepared as to what I say every time just makes me feel even more comfortable having to deal with such situations.
Loving RR/AVRT. Thanks so much to this board for the suggestions.
Happy Sunday to all and Happy Father's Day to the rest of us.
Sober Today
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 779
I'm on day 3 also!
I will try to avoid even being out in this setting for now, but when/if this happens I will simply say I'm not drinking tonight. If they pressed the issue, I'd probably say I'm trying to lose weight (which is true). I probably won't get into the whole alcoholic thing in a light social setting with drinking buddies, acquaintances, or colleagues.
I'm actually dreading being around my mother. I normally have to drink to be around her, and she will notice I'm not drinking and press and press the issue. I don't feel like talking to her about my alcoholism.
I will try to avoid even being out in this setting for now, but when/if this happens I will simply say I'm not drinking tonight. If they pressed the issue, I'd probably say I'm trying to lose weight (which is true). I probably won't get into the whole alcoholic thing in a light social setting with drinking buddies, acquaintances, or colleagues.
I'm actually dreading being around my mother. I normally have to drink to be around her, and she will notice I'm not drinking and press and press the issue. I don't feel like talking to her about my alcoholism.
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Big City
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Originally Posted by GreenEggsAndHam 
I'm on day 3 also!
I will try to avoid even being out in this setting for now, but when/if this happens I will simply say I'm not drinking tonight. If they pressed the issue, I'd probably say I'm trying to lose weight (which is true). I probably won't get into the whole alcoholic thing in a light social setting with drinking buddies, acquaintances, or colleagues.
I'm actually dreading being around my mother. I normally have to drink to be around her, and she will notice I'm not drinking and press and press the issue. I don't feel like talking to her about my alcoholism.
I will try to avoid even being out in this setting for now, but when/if this happens I will simply say I'm not drinking tonight. If they pressed the issue, I'd probably say I'm trying to lose weight (which is true). I probably won't get into the whole alcoholic thing in a light social setting with drinking buddies, acquaintances, or colleagues.
I'm actually dreading being around my mother. I normally have to drink to be around her, and she will notice I'm not drinking and press and press the issue. I don't feel like talking to her about my alcoholism.
I'll be thinking of you. I have the same thing with my parents and got through a full 24hrs with them Friday/Yesterday. Feel strong having done so.
Be in touch and be strong.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,513
Congratulations on Day 3!
For me, I don't offer any explanations. It's a personal decision so a 'No, thanks' is all I will offer. I didn't tell anyone when I stopped drinking because I wasn't sure I would make it. As I moved along in recovery people noticed, so nothing more needed to be said.
And, I stayed away from situations where alcohol was present for many months because it was too stressful for me.
For me, I don't offer any explanations. It's a personal decision so a 'No, thanks' is all I will offer. I didn't tell anyone when I stopped drinking because I wasn't sure I would make it. As I moved along in recovery people noticed, so nothing more needed to be said.
And, I stayed away from situations where alcohol was present for many months because it was too stressful for me.
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
I think this is one of the most common questions asked here. And it's probably one of the most unfounded fears. The vast majority of people don't really have an interest in the fact that you quit drinking. And those around you that know you have a drinking problem will be happy that you have. Worry about things that matter like your plan to stay sober. And for the very few that might ask; just say you quit or aren't drinking for health reasons. You don't owe anyone more of an explanation than that.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: England, UK
Posts: 42
personally i told everybody i knew that i was stopping drinking. luckilly most were very supportive. they all know now not to offer me alcohol and it took away the questions i thought they would ask when i started refusing drinks. its worked for me, may work for you in your situation (im currently on day 14)
TwoWorlds
TwoWorlds
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: UK
Posts: 5,678
I guess that the reason this isn't touched on much in RR is that the premise is that you are solely responsible for your actions and it shouldn't matter what other people say or think.
I'd suggest that the question itself is your AV, as is any intention to say 'not tonight' or 'I'm not drinking this month'. That suggests that you will be drinking again real soon.
If you have committed to permanent abstinence then you can just say, 'I don't drink' or 'I gave it up' or 'no thank you'.
On a more human note, I found this question agonising and I had the tendency to 'warn' people that I wouldn't be drinking. This is another reason I smell the AV here as it really doesn't bother me now, whereas in early recovery I was beside myself in social occasions around alcohol.
People really don't care if you are drinking or not. It took me a long time to accept this but people still want to associate with me sober. Most normal drinkers will not notice and others will accept it in time.
If you can't avoid social events then just practice saying 'no thanks' in your head and have a plan of escape if it gets too much. There is no reason to test yourself x
I'd suggest that the question itself is your AV, as is any intention to say 'not tonight' or 'I'm not drinking this month'. That suggests that you will be drinking again real soon.
If you have committed to permanent abstinence then you can just say, 'I don't drink' or 'I gave it up' or 'no thank you'.
On a more human note, I found this question agonising and I had the tendency to 'warn' people that I wouldn't be drinking. This is another reason I smell the AV here as it really doesn't bother me now, whereas in early recovery I was beside myself in social occasions around alcohol.
People really don't care if you are drinking or not. It took me a long time to accept this but people still want to associate with me sober. Most normal drinkers will not notice and others will accept it in time.
If you can't avoid social events then just practice saying 'no thanks' in your head and have a plan of escape if it gets too much. There is no reason to test yourself x
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Quantum superposition
Posts: 46
I just tell everyone I'm an alcoholic. But i've never really cared what people thought of me. I would tell people I'm an addict/alcoholic while chugging down a drink, or snorting a pill. If it's somebody like my boss or something where they have some kind of power over me, I'd just say no thanks, I don't feel like drinking tonight.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: UK
Posts: 2,937
I didn't/don't tell anyone.
Its my battle to fight and I will fight it how I see fit.
Most of all I will fit it quietly with no bold declarations or statements such as 'I have a huge problem'.
I think when I stopped drinking I realised that not everyone drinks like I did/do.
Some do stop at 2 drinks.
A christmas party or a house warming does not usually for others lead to a blackout with reports of me standing on the roof waving my thong in the air or other such horrific tales!
And if someone asks 'white wine?', they can just mean would you like a glass of white wine and if you reply 'no diet coke please' there are no hidden meanings or implications. Its just how conversations work!
I know I made this out to be a lot bigger deal in my head than it was.
My best to you
xx
Its my battle to fight and I will fight it how I see fit.
Most of all I will fit it quietly with no bold declarations or statements such as 'I have a huge problem'.
I think when I stopped drinking I realised that not everyone drinks like I did/do.
Some do stop at 2 drinks.
A christmas party or a house warming does not usually for others lead to a blackout with reports of me standing on the roof waving my thong in the air or other such horrific tales!
And if someone asks 'white wine?', they can just mean would you like a glass of white wine and if you reply 'no diet coke please' there are no hidden meanings or implications. Its just how conversations work!
I know I made this out to be a lot bigger deal in my head than it was.
My best to you
xx
now's the time
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 2,181
I just told people the parts of the truth that I was comfortable with at the time, and continue to practice that. My friends know about the positive stuff I'm seeking by not drinking, and my theories about how being sober is a worthwhile thing for me to try. They don't know that I consider myself an alcoholic, or the emotions that I have and had surrounding my problem. That part I consider personal.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 297
Riel: Lol. If only. When I try "I'm driving" around my extended family, I get the third degree...."what do you mean? I bought white wine just for you because I know you don't like red! You're going to be eating with us right? And here for at least a couple hours? Then a glass of wine won't hurt your ability to drive. Don't you like my wine selection? Well, I don't know much about whites, I know you take food and drink seriously...is my wine too low-brow for you?" And on, and on.
It's just a manners issue (it's rude to turn down food or drink when offered, and rude to ask for something that isn't offered), but, whew!!!
But, I agree with the other posters, most people won't notice or care if you turn down an alcoholic beverage.
Like you, I feel more comfortable when I have an excuse prepared. Except with extended family, I've had the best luck with "I'm driving," followed by "I'd rather spend my calories on dessert." I've yet to find the magic bullet, though. I agree that it's nobody's business and we shouldn't care what people think, but it's nice to be able to shut the conversation down quickly and easily.
It's just a manners issue (it's rude to turn down food or drink when offered, and rude to ask for something that isn't offered), but, whew!!!
But, I agree with the other posters, most people won't notice or care if you turn down an alcoholic beverage.
Like you, I feel more comfortable when I have an excuse prepared. Except with extended family, I've had the best luck with "I'm driving," followed by "I'd rather spend my calories on dessert." I've yet to find the magic bullet, though. I agree that it's nobody's business and we shouldn't care what people think, but it's nice to be able to shut the conversation down quickly and easily.
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 7,097
I avoided social situations early on,though some I couldn't avoid, like Christmas day. I was also very worried but soon realized that most people really don't notice or care if we drink or not.those that do get bothered by us not drinking tend to have problems themselves. Just say no thanks,I'll have water etc or I'm fine thanks. Very few will query beyond that
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,445
When I quit I told everyone - but it was not a state scret by that point anyway - I was a very public drunk.
These days, outside of those close to me who I feel need to know, I simply say no thanks.
No apology, no added essay, no explanation.
It's very rare anyone challenges me - like Scott said - 99.9 % of fiks are not really interested if I drink or not lol.
Those who are are invariably old drinking buddies who knew me when or old soaks themselves.
D
These days, outside of those close to me who I feel need to know, I simply say no thanks.
No apology, no added essay, no explanation.
It's very rare anyone challenges me - like Scott said - 99.9 % of fiks are not really interested if I drink or not lol.
Those who are are invariably old drinking buddies who knew me when or old soaks themselves.
D
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 297
I can't figure out how to link to it, but I just looked at an older thread on this topic ("Top Three Excuses").
Here's what I think is the winner from that thread:
Here's what I think is the winner from that thread:
Alcohol gives me the runs, that's my story and I'm stickin to it.
Clear Eyes Full Heart
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,272
I remember that my drinking buddies who also have issues with booze were the ones that asked about it and were the most persistent. Other people didn't seem to care.
I used "I'm trying to get healthy" a lot. "I'm too exhausted to drink" "It was kicking my ass so I'm taking a break". Actually, "I'm taking a break" was a great all purpose answer that everyone seemed to understand. I never called myself an alcoholic, except for a couple of times here on SR, and never discuss my problems with it unless it's a friend who also needs help with quitting.
If you don't make a big deal about it, neither will they for the most part.
I used "I'm trying to get healthy" a lot. "I'm too exhausted to drink" "It was kicking my ass so I'm taking a break". Actually, "I'm taking a break" was a great all purpose answer that everyone seemed to understand. I never called myself an alcoholic, except for a couple of times here on SR, and never discuss my problems with it unless it's a friend who also needs help with quitting.
If you don't make a big deal about it, neither will they for the most part.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Mid-Atlantic USA
Posts: 2,441
Originally Posted by lessgravity
but in terms of not drinking on a given night, what do you say?)
Assuming you have to attend a function with friends or colleagues with whom you've shared a drink (or 10) in the past, or that you are going to say no to going out with people that just last week you were getting plastered with - anyone have any advice on what you say in terms of not drinking?
I'm fine with saying, no thanks, not tonight. Or I'm getting healthy this month. Just wondered what others have used or thought of in their own recoveries.
Assuming you have to attend a function with friends or colleagues with whom you've shared a drink (or 10) in the past, or that you are going to say no to going out with people that just last week you were getting plastered with - anyone have any advice on what you say in terms of not drinking?
I'm fine with saying, no thanks, not tonight. Or I'm getting healthy this month. Just wondered what others have used or thought of in their own recoveries.
In your case, just saying you want to ease up on the booze for awhile should be sufficient. However, for right now, you should seriously consider staying away from any situation where you would even need to answer the question.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 6,224
It really is so freeing when you realise that all you need to say is "No thanks." Occasionally I add "I feel so much better without out it" but usually say "No thanks". The thing that really worried me was that I had to say "I'm an alcoholic" but I don't have to say that, most people aren't interested, it's far more important to me than the rest of the world.
What do you say when other people order dessert and you don't want any? "No thanks". It's the same thing on an every day level, maybe not a philosophical one, but an every day one.
What do you say when other people order dessert and you don't want any? "No thanks". It's the same thing on an every day level, maybe not a philosophical one, but an every day one.
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